Songs That Hurt

songs that hurt

songs that hurt

I’m genuinely horrible at articulating my thoughts (if you can’t tell already). If someone asks me how I’m feeling, it takes way too long for me to get to the point.

So, a lot of the times I turn to other forms of media to express myself. It’s why I’m a graphic designer.

Anyways, I’ve found my weird small voice in your songs. I’ve seen my anxiety, my fears, my failures, everything. It’s all there.

Now, I’m gonna go off on some tangents on the next few pages, but you’ve just gotta stick with me. None of this will make any sense to you maybe, but I feel these pieces I’ve made need something to accompany them.

I’m sorry if it gets off topic. I’m a mess.

I Want It All hits different. I’m so all or nothing when it comes to relationships.

Either I want to be with this person or I don’t. There’s no uncertainty... well unless there is. I’ve become really uneasy in relationships. I’m anxious, scared, and nervous. I’m terrified to say or do anything because I wanna be with this person so bad. I’d rather stand still and let time pass before I do anything in fear that that would be the last straw. I’m too careful. I’m too uneasy. I let the idea of someone leaving me drive every word I speak or action I take.

I listen to this song when I need patience.

Sometimes it feels like I’ll never heal.

Sometimes the things you want don’t ever come around. Sometimes, I get sick of waiting. I wish healing didn’t take so long.

It feels like some days I’ll never get over things. I’ll always remember the rejection and pain. I’ll always have scars that will haunt me. I’ll never forget these moments, but I’m still here and I’ll learn to live with them.

I blame myself for a lot of the losses in my life. When friends drift apart or relationships end, I’m usually the first to find myself at fault. Going from talking to someone every day to never speaking another word to them is terrifying. I build people up in my mind and let myself believe that I won’t get hurt or left behind again. I pour myself into people expecting the same.

I want to be able to talk to someone and not be scared that the next thing I say might be the last. I want to be brave and speak my mind. I want to be able to go and do things without worrying about everyone staring at me. I had a friend recently point out all the times they caught someone staring at me. I don’t know if it was good for me or not because the number was very high and now I’m hyper aware.

Out of my graduating class, I was one of 3 people who moved from our hometown to go to college. Even now, just a weekend back home is so mundane. The thought of spending my time trapped in my small southern town is terrifying. I want to go do something bigger. I want to see everything I can. I wish the only thing holding me back wasn’t me. That’s why I always try to remind myself that I’ll never know if I don’t try.

I don’t know when to stop. I’ll do anything to keep a person in my life - even if it’s something I don’t want to do. I will put myself aside to make others happy. I’ll stay up late, drive too far, and make poor choices for those I love. I’m a mess, but sometimes it pays off. It’s rare that you find someone who recognizes that. It’s more rare you find someone who returns it. I also never realized that I do this until my friends pointed it out thanks to Heart Eyes.

17 year old me couldn’t wait to grow up and see how much she’d changed. She couldn’t wait to see where she was in 5 years...

10 years... and so on. She was young and cautious and terrified of the future. I like to think she’d be proud of 21 year old me so far. I mean, I’m pretty proud of myself currently, but I know I’m far from the end.

This song was released the day of my grandfather’s funeral. It was a weird moment I’ll always remember, where I was out in the car listening to the radio before the funeral started. I didn’t want the song to end because I knew that meant I had to face a lot of realities: like the first death in my immediate family that I’d been old enough to understand the weight of. It made me realize that there’s no point to worrying about so many small things every day. So, I cut my hair off and I ended my crumbling relationship and started new. I didn’t feel like the same person I was before. I don’t think I am anymore.

I did that dumb thing you’re not supposed to do and fell in love with my best friend.

In the movies it always works out, but in real life it’s ruined the friendships every single time without fail. So, I kept it secret... until one day I didn’t, and it subsequently fell apart. I panicked more than I ever had (so much so that it warranted an ER visit) over this lost friend and I still do. I can’t remember a day in the past 3 months where I haven’t thought about that night and all the things I could’ve done. I also remember listening to Oh, No in the car on the way back home.

I’m still finding new purpose in these lyrics.

I’m living through scenarios that make these songs so much more than just catchy bops. Like 2 months ago when I made a lot of mistakes just to keep a person in my life.

I change myself to fit what people think I should be. I change how I talk, the music I listen to, the clothes I wear, etc. I always feel like I’m gonna say or do something that they think is “too much.” I avoid saying anything just to remain in this limbo of a relationship. Nothing happens, but at least they’re still there, right?

I’ll always be in love with the first boy I ever said “I love you” to and fully meant it. Well, I’ll always be in love with that version of him. Watching myself realize that the boy I first fell for doesn’t exist anymore was strange. I felt detached from the situation. I watched him from across the table at dinner one night with our friends and it felt like I was watching a stranger. I learned to move on and change and a lot of why I did was because Honey allowed me to view our relationship from this removed third party. That sounds really dumb, but now I have a tattoo about it and now you know why it means so much.

Now you know why everything means so much.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart.

Forever.

All photography and design by Leah Smith. @hellaleg