Oh Henry— The journal of Aberystwyth j
Caving Club— Exploring Taverns
jjjjj
and Caverns Since 1966!
Henry Webmaster
Chris—Master of the Lore
Toby—Tacklewanker
Tim Ex-presidenté
Jono—Treasurer
Ex Welshman, masturbator of all things caving
Rufus—Life Member and Ex-Presidenté
Luke—Club Gimp Hellie—Goddess Megan Secretary
Still only a quid—and don’t get mad, get even.
Editors note
highlight.
One could be forgiven for thinking that the has been a bit of a depressing return to form for ACC in the second half of the year. We’ve been rescued again, and although the second term had plenty of enthusiasm exams have inevitably hindered this terms exploration. However anyone with any sense will realise that this is not so. Rich and Rufus organised a fantastic expedition to Ireland, with 19 happy cavers. The food was a particular highlight, thanks to Rufus’ hard work and Jos baking. I also thought the caving was excellent. Kudos to people who flew the nest, organising their own trips for the first time. You’ll be pleased about it next year. We (famously) left one pair of wellys in Wales, and left one D ring in Clare. Victory my friends. That said I am saddened to report a theft while we were abroad. Rich Ll. Smith claims having a post through trip pint at McGanns was his idea! In fact paying for it in advance was his idea, I thought of having a pint after exiting Fisher St, then returning to the Doolin River Cave and exiting at Arran view. I wonder why part two never happened? Even with this blatant thievery the trip was a
By the time you read this the old committee will no longer be with us (because you didn’t get your arses into gear and write it when I told you). Thanks for a great year guys, and hears to the new one. Good luck, remember that all the old gits’ll help if you ask. Seeing as I don't think I did last time this also seems the correct place to commiserate CHECCs new treasurer, Chris Belton. Sucker. On a personal note I’ve loved being in ACC. We may be underfunded, small and miles from anywhere, but who needs money when we are enterprising enough to blag, borrow and improvise what we need? the people we do have make up for the lack of numbers and numb the tedium of those car journeys. We may be lacking in experience (and that's debatable), but we have all the enthusiasm, energy, passion and stubbornness we need. And money can’t by you that. Its been great being part of it, and its so much better to be finaly graduating into some ‘Rich & Rufus’ role.
Contents 8) ‘The joys of cave sex’ Megan (Oh Henry!) 2) “Tims presidency’ Tim 11) ‘Jonos word game’ (arnsewrs on page 12) 2) ‘Dear Uncle Stu’ Nathan 12) ‘The adventures of Captain Calcite’ Henry 3) ‘I hate caving’ Oli 13) ‘Dear Uncle Stu’ Nathan 4) ‘A guide to Henryish’ Rich 13) ‘All innuendo intended’ Huw 4) ‘Henry’ Oli 13) ‘The Darean rescue’ Henry 5) ‘Pollaber survey and location’ ACC cavers inc milky, Glenda & Nathan with computing from Rich.
14) ‘Caving games III’ Fran
5) ‘Pollaber’ Henry
14) ‘Dear uncle stu’ Nathan
7) ‘Jasons sex tips’ 7) ‘Luke Dynamite’ Henry
15) ‘A constitutional discourse’ Nathan. (Poor Nathan is an expectant father in his 30s. Its a bit sad ACC is the highlight of his life so far)
7) ‘Dear Uncle Stu’
15) Dear Uncle Stu
Tim's article about how much he enjoyed being president.
(he never wrote it, and he never enjoyed it)
Dear Uncle Stu, ACCs non resident agony uncle. A Boot Stamping on a Human Face. For Ever. Dear Uncle Stu, Won’t you welcome our Saviour, Jesus Christ, into your life? We are, like our redeemer, working with a fool and a harlot to draw them into the church. They are annoying, but such is our cross to bear! Come to our weekly prayer meetings in a knackered caravan in Clarach! Uncle Stu Replies, Fuck right off Matilda and “Xian”. Have you stuck one up her yet Xian? Or is it still only dry-humping and a guilt-ridden fingering on your birthday? Dear Uncle Stu, I’m, like, worried about my, like, life. Due to circumstances beyond my control I’ve yet again not managed to complete my dissertation. I have also, like, persuaded a girl to piss her chances of future happiness up the wall and give up her degree. Can you help motivate me to finish? Yours, Worried USR: Well Josh, at least you can write a more cogent email now. You should be worried about your life; you’re wasting it. Can you hear that faint noise? That’s the sound of your father, contemplating your life whilst piteously sobbing as he tries to summon up the courage to kill himself. He won’t, of course. The man who dribbled the watery spunk which conceived you is incapable of the courage needed to drive a Toledo blade into his own guts.
I Hate Caving, to the tune of ‘Plastic Jesus’ I hate caving, I hate caving, why do we do this every fucking week? I hate caving, I hate caving, why do we do this every fucking week?
Chris looks for a cave while getting changed.
We’re in the car park and it’s raining Every ones winging and complaining Why do we do this every fucking week? Now we’re wandering round in mist Can’t we go back and just get pissed Why do we do this every fucking week? Chorus Hunters lodge inn sink
Now we’ve found the bloody cave The entrance pitch is for the brave Why do we do this every fucking week? That passage is far too low I don’t wanna go down below Why do we do this every fucking week? Chorus
Oli reassures luke he can thread a stop
Now i’m dangling over a drop Wish I knew how to thread a stop Why do we do this every fucking week? And the pitch is really wet But I know theirs worse yet Why do we do this every fucking week? Chorus Now i’m cralling on my belly Wish I was at home, watching telly Why do we do this every fucking week? Oh my god this is so grim And my light is growing dim Why do we do this every fucking week? Chorus Bloddy hell, this is scary That climb is fucking hairy Why do we do this every fucking week?
A guide to Henryish. Dr Rich Ll Smith. Henry Patton is a man of many talents (farmer, gentleman boxer, glaciologist, Tory, cave rescue "mystery shopper", international playboy), but few words. Or so it first appears! In fact, it readily becomes apparent that he has a large and rich vocabulary once one is aware that his most common utterances are efficiently and tersely encoded into common short words by varying their intonation. Here follows an introduction to Henryish: a phrasebook, if you will, for comments that are likely to be expressed during an average caving trip. Hmm. : Yes. Hmmm. : No. Maybe. : No, and you're a twat for suggesting it. Well. : Maybe. Well! : An interesting idea, I'll have to think about it. What! Me? No! Well. : A fair, and, if I may so, insightful criticism of myself. Give me ten minutes and I'll have a comeback for you. Oh. : This looks grim. Er. : Oh shit. Well. Er. : I'll just go and call out the emergency services again. Er. Um. : This looks very VERY bad. Hmm. Er. : We're all fucked and we're going to die. Hmm. Hmm! Oh. Oh! Oh. Well. : Ask Megan.
HENRY POPPINS
PRACTICALLY PERFECT IN EVERY WAY
A map of the burren with caves, inc. Pollaber. I’veCaves mangledof Richs computing to lower printing costs. thelovely Burren
Pollaber - 10-Apr-2010 Henry No caving expedition to County Clare would be complete without a trip into Aberystwyth Caving Club’s finest discovery - Pollaber. Flicking through Caves of County Clare (literally COCC to some), you might be forgiven for missing this 300m gem amongst the more lengthy descriptions of the Doolin River Cave, Pollnagollum and the Coolagh River system. Whilst it would be unfair to make comparisons of total length with these more classic caves, Pollaber makes up for its diminutive nature with its sheer ‘wow’ factor. In fact this cave was enjoyed so much on ACC’s last campaign in 2000, members returned day after day to survey it. Roll forward 10 years and ACC were back in Clare. We had done most of the popular trips available, and despite UBSS’s incoherent surveys and descriptions, we had just about avoided a some-
what inevitable call-out. The weather was sunny and we were feeling good about ourselves what finer way to round off the expedition than a trip into the infamous Pollaber. Unfortunately several people had to leave for Dublin early, and Ruth, Megan and Carly didn’t fancy going in for some unbeknown reason. This left Rich and I to tackle the cave alone. Luckily Milkybar, who was present on the last Clare trip and had visited the cave many times was on hand to direct us to the entrance. Eventually that is. Time must have ravaged his aging memory poor him. On the way we did manage to find a hole full of horse bones - Megan was particularly excited to find the skull, less so me. At last we found the right hole, and I was first to go in. The entrance chamber is quite roomy several feet deep and plenty of space to turn around. A small trickle flows through the chamber, which Rich and I excitedly followed downstream. Immediately the passage shrinks down to crawling height and to a tight s-bend. The amount of silt that had built up at this constriction meant that we had to dig our way through with a small shovel - most likely we were the first visitors since ACC’s last expedition. Once through this, the crawl becomes slightly more comfortable. Sometimes we were even able to get on hands and knees! The rift is actually quite tall, however due to calcite flows and the way the limestone has been eroded, the only way get through is to crawl along the bottom, face-down in the mud. One of the highlights of the cave is the 'big' chamber near the entrance. Fairly pretty, two people can easily stand up here...as long as you don’t mind being fairly close. The passage continues downstream with attractions along the way such as leeches, smells of slurry and mud so thick and sticky you literally have to swim through it. The tedium of crawling is made up for slightly by the numerous calcite curtains decorating the rift. Eventually we reached the current terminus of the cave, marked by a rusting krab originally used as a surveying station. Progress here is only prevented by a tight calcite squeeze over a miniwaterfall. Potential for more cave is certainly promising - water can be heard trickling further on, and a strong draught is present. If Oli’s proposed Clare Master cave system is anything to go by, then we should soon be in stomping passage all the way to Doolin. All that is needed is a lump hammer and some steely determination. Some have described Pollaber in simple terms such as ‘shit’ or ‘pure misery’, though these descriptions are perhaps only slightly undue. Pollaber certainly provides a perspective on how...um.....fun caving can really be. ACC are planning to return to Clare next Easter, and so Rich and I would highly recommend anyone to take a further look and possibly try extending it. Honestly, you’ll be thanking us afterwards. Rich gives Poll Aber his ‘thumbs-up’ seal of approval.
Isn’t it nice to see how concerned for Rich & Rufus Jason is? Small man doesn’t equal small cock though Jason, and as I’m sure Alison told you ‘size isn’t everything.’ Though maybe now she is getting some she’ll ‘mellow’ a bit.
Yeah, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a bo staff.
Dear Uncle Stu, ACCs non resident agony uncle. A Boot Stamping on a Human Face. For Ever. Dear Uncle Stu, My girlfriend is great, I worship the ground she walks on and do everything she says. However, she is foreign and I’m worried we’ll be culturally incompatible as we grow older. USR, Eyetie girls – go like a train, don’t they? Bear in mind that in four years’ time she’ll grow sideburns to rival yours, shrilly lambast you for not giving her a “bambino” and get so fat you’ll have to wash her with a rag on a stick. Mind you, you’ll have no other offers, so stick with her and learn to like greasy food.
The Joy of 'Caving-Sex We all know that caving is one of those sports that attracts sexual innuendos by the dozen, for example: 'That's the deepest shaft i've ever entered!', or 'That crack looks a bit tight. Do you think we'll both fit in?'. Yet surprisingly, we were unable to find any sort of literature that took advantage of these sexual descriptions for the enjoyment of cavers' sex lives. Now, with a large proportion of the Caving Club sickeningly loved-up, we thought it timely to present this first illustrated sex guide specifically for cavers. You will never think of your favourite caving trips in the same way again... Section A: Easy 1. Cavegirl/Reverse cavegirl - Switch the lights off, get those helmets and caving lamps out and pretend you re in a real cave! Reverse the position if you want to stimolare il punto G !
2. The Greasy Chimney Your man will love this one! Get the lube out, and your hands will be sliding up and down with ease in no time.
3. The Corkscrew Try this on your partner and he wonʼt know which way to turn. Make sure you donʼt squeeze too tight, or else youʼll land yourself in a pool of ʼmoonmilkʼ.
Section B: Moderate 4. Sump 1 You don t have to be an adrenaline junkie to do this one, but make sure you take a deep breath before you start. Take a firm grip of the penis and let it guide your head up and down. Your face will be soaking at the end of it, so keep your eyes closed to avoid any irritation.
5. The Twin Verticals Just like belaying on a ladder, you ll need a friend s help to do the Twin Verticals . Space will be limited so you might need to coordinate positions carefully, especially around the base of the shaft.
6. The Daren S-bend Donʼt worry - this position isnʼt as grim as the real cave. Far from it. Start on your side and keep your partner close, making sure your tackle sack wonʼt get caught. Neither will be in any rush to get this over and done with...
Section C: Advanced 7. Cadbury Way Warning: For experienced cavers and only under settled conditions. Both get into a comfortable position and start circling slowly round the hole. Your man will be sliding all over theplace through this one. Donʼt forget youʼll have to wash yourself off after doing Cadbury Way.
Jonos Cave Fact Game What C in Borneo is the largest ‘room’ ever What A (type of cave) which is usually coastal, contains a mixture of freshwater and saline water (usually sea water)? They occur in many parts of the world, and often contain highly specialized and endemic faunas.
B
is a generic cave dweller, often What known for foraging outside caves at night?
E
What is supported by the BCA and encouraged to all cavers to expand the global understanding of caves?
R
is supposed to survive at least 5 What drops according to British Standard Specification?
Y
is famous for the ‘Gaping Gill’ What and largest county in the United Kingdom?
discovered, a sloping, boulder strewn chamber with an area of approximately 700 by 400 metres (2,297 by 1,312 ft) and a height of 80 metres (260 ft) ?
A
is A usually horizontal mined enWhat trance to a mine or cave system?
V
What in Slovenia is the deepest known cave with a depth of 2,191 metres (7,188 ft)?
I
What , formed in 1965, is a non-profit, nongovernmental organization which promotes the development of interaction between academic and technical speleologists of a wide range of nationalities?
N
was founded in the United States in What 1941 to advance the exploration, conservacommonly known as a cave forma- tion, study, and understanding of caves? What tion, is a secondary mineral deposit formed in What is any type of natural or artifia cave formed from seeping water through cracks? cial cave that is associated with modern, historic or prehistoric use by humans? What is used to describe a primitive race or tribe of cave dwellers?
S
G
T
W
causes fever, vomiting and nose What bleeds and can be prevented by avoiding cuts boasts about its seven - star cave, What and covering wounds when caving? the biggest karst area in the world and inis one of the deepest caves in Bul- vented ice cream? What garia and famous for its 5 floors of access? What (Cave) is the deepest in continental What is the term used to describe cave – United states, the fifth longest cave known to inhabiting animals? exist, and most well known for its unusual geology, rare formations, and pristine is a phrase used to describe what What condition? appear to be precariously poised boulders? (Cave) is a famous cave well known What in Germany which, legend has it, used to be home to a witch protected by a mythical creature?
C
Y T
L
H
U
B
is the Governing body for UnderWhich ground Exploration in the UK?
Dear Uncle Stu, ACCs non resident agony uncle. A Boot Stamping on a Human Face. For Ever. Dear Uncle Stu, I am still desperately in love with my smelly hippy. However, she's been acting strangely recently - wanting to live together and buying things for the house. Have i done something wrong? Uncle Stu replies, Despite your stunted size, pigeon toes and lack of any mental ability or employability, Liv seems to have selected you as a mate. What you are experiencing are the dry scratchings of a barren womb. She's nesting, in order to spew out a litter of malodorous children with impatigo. Run. Run far, run fast.
Answers Anchihaline Cave, Bat, Exploration, Rope, Yorkshire, speliotherm, Troglodyte, Weill’s disease, Yankodinska Cave, Troglobyte, Hanging Death, Sarawak Chamber, Adit, Voronya Cave (our goddesses boyfriend has bottomed this. Twice), International Union of Speleology, National speleological soci-
All Innuendo Intended. Huw When caving, always remember to wrap yourself before going in. This is your protection. It can be done without it, but it's recommended to use the best you can get. When you've finished faffing around, poking at everything but the cave (the mountainside often wants to have more fun with you first, but cavers like to get straight to the point), you're sometimes presented with a dilemma. Which entrance do you use? Of course, not all caves are like this. Some don't reveal other entrances to you without a significant amount of effort, and when they do they're tight, muddy and (arguably) less enjoyable than the standard route. Some caves require special permission to access. Whichever entrance you take, you'll eventually wind up inside the cave, poking your way around. Each cave is different from the next. Some are much wider than others. Some are colder. Some are bone dry (these tend to be the ones people avoid) while others are wild, gushing rivers, widely regarded as the most fun. It goes without saying, but the further in you go the more fun it gets. While you're in there, try not to wreck things. Other cavers won't appreciate it if you smash the entrance with a careless entry technique. Try not to leave anything inside when you leave, unless, of course, you're planning on making a long term investment within this cave. You can't stay in the cave forever, though, and after the peak of your enjoyment you usually want to get back out. This is easier said than done in some caves, which will put up a fight if you indicate your desire to leave. Persevere anyway and show it who the boss is, and your troubles with this cave should be minimal, allowing you return journeys. Bring a friend, and show them the delights of your experience! Be careful though - occasionally, someone else will lay claim to a cave that you were the first person to find and enter, and if that should happen you'll end up at the nearest pub, downing your sorrows with a pint of the strongest alcohol on tap while your cave thief implements access fees and restrictions. This is something you want to avoid. If your cave of choice already belongs to someone else, do your very best to stay friendly with them, because failure to do so will result in your access to that cave being removed, and the entrance fees are pounds that you'll never see again. There are special types of caves that require the use ropes, chains and complicated equipment. These are frequently sought out by enthusiasts into that sort of thing, with most cavers delving into them every now and then while sticking mainly with their traditional caving because, while not always horizontal, they leave far fewer bruises than the caves that require ropes. Daren Rescue (hopefully this won't become a regular column) Henry. ACC members got rescued again (for once not me), shortly after the release of the previous edition of Oh Henry! Although nearly 6 months ago this does not mean that we have forgotten yet. In fact the SMWCRT practice scenario this weekend closely follows the events that occured last December, except this time they'll be carrying a stretcher. (eds note. The occasions were about as well planned though) The whole rescue has been written up ad nauseum in the ACC log book (09/10) so won't go into more detail here, except to iterate what we should all have learnt. 1) Don't expect your callout to be awake at 4am. In fact don't anticipate cave rescuers to come after you until the next morning, 2) wear a watch, 3) take a survey, 4) when all the signs around you say no - don't go caving, and 5) don't get rescued in Daren - the entrance crawl is fucking miserable in mid-Winter. (eds note. This should read ‘don't do darean. Its fucking miserable. )
Caving Games #3. Throwing Stuff One of our favourite games, Throwing Stuff is played at nearly every social. Rules: 1. Aim for people’s faces. 2. Don’t hit people in the face. 3. Getting Stuff in someone’s pint glass wins you a round of applause (and a torn up beer mat in your own pint). How the game ends: Usually when something gets broken or when Oli leaves the room. Dangers: Throwing Stuff has been surprisingly safe (so far). We were very worried that the Bellevue Hotel would be angry about all that butter on their ceiling and the sprouts on the walls. But it turned out they were more concerned about getting all their christmas decorations back.
Dear Uncle Stu, ACCs non resident agony uncle. A Boot Stamping on a Human Face. For Ever. Dear Uncle Stu, I’ve been elected by my peers to be President! How illustrious! Can you give me any tips, although I am so great I barely need them. USR, Huw, you dreadful sanctimonious Welsh git. Despite what you think, you aren’t a modern Welsh Druid, with your lank greasy hair and scrawny flanks. You are a twelve-year old trapped in the body of a fourteen-year old. Stop being so whiney and immature – girls don’t dig Welshmen anyway. Caro Zio Stu, I’m-a thinkin’ I’m-a bit-a old for caving. Maybe I give eet upp, pet? USR, Christ. The caving world would benefit from any ACC caver giving up. However, you’re better than most of them, so I suggest you continue. I also suggest you turn that noisome rodent into a nice “Coniglio in Porchetta Col Finocchio” DUS, Wow, totally radical! I’m really into ROCK climbing, which I’m great at. I could do with some tips on how to make friends with men with sideburns (but I’m not a bender – I love tits). USR, Mark, if you are good at climbing (which I frankly doubt), you shouldn’t be so pleased about it. Having six fingers on each hand and webbed suckers on your feet gives you an unfair advantage. Although this is partly balanced by your abnormally large head, you turnip-eating sister-shagging Norfolk freak. Henry tolerates you because you have the ability to grow facial hair, but no-one likes you. Your laddish behaviour barely hides your unfettered desire to have Henry bend you over and bum you silly.
‘A constitutional Discourse’ Nathan Critchlow Watton. ED: Some of you may have been sober enough to remember that the AGM was marred by bickering between the Lord Protecter Most High, various Life Members and some newly elected officers of the club. Should the palm of acceptance read: With thy win cup waving high, With thy maddening revelry, To Enion’s flowery vale, Comest Thou, Bacchus, And bless this Holy Matron. Hail
Or is ‘Win’ a typo for ‘Wine’? Oh Henry investigates, using the lazy journalist trick of asking some one who claims to know. ‘’My initial reaction to Chris holding the critical post of LPMH was that he is temperamentally unsuited to such an august role (having appalling table manners, a stunted charisma gland and being far too nice). The LPMH is not a role for boys. A true LPMH combines the leadership of Shackleton with the charm of Charlemagne, the sense of justice and satyrical nature of Tiberius as well as the satirical nature of Flanders and Swann. The caving uber-mensch, as Nietzsche would sensibly have stated. On paper, Chris does not embody any of these characteristics. However, the spirit of LPMHs past must have infused him on AGN night, as he rightly held fast against the nay-sayers who decry the "win cup". The strong essence which pervaded once the ACC is now sorely diluted and weakened, dashed untasted against the undeserving faces of the current membership. As all true members know, "win" is a corruption (lost in the mists of time) of the middle-English word "whin". Whin is a term for dark-coloured rocks, typically igneous or metamorphic. The astutue caver will immediately grasp the key implication to their moist bosom. Whin cannot, of course, have caves formed within it. A "W(h)in cup" therefore is one made of the sturdy (but ultimately treacherous) non-limestone rock. The LPMH enjoins the Respectable Matron to softly croon this psalm, metaphorically waving aloft a cup, a cup cooked and basted in the fiery bowels of Mother Earth herself. As to the significance of this, the deep meaning and the true binding nature of the solemn oath the committee are swearing? Well, that is terrifying knowledge that can only be learnt by the worthy; there are few of we standard bearers left. Once a seat at the table is free, the terrible third and final verse will be vouchsafed to the chosen one.’’ Nathans telling the truth about the meaning of ‘Whin,’ btw, fuck knows about the rest.
Dear Uncle Stu, ACCs non resident agony uncle. A Boot Stamping on a Human Face. For Ever. DUS, Rich here. R-I-C-H. I’m interesting, I really am. Sex, Drugs and Welshness. Plenty you can take the piss about. I’ve attached some ideas for Uncle Stu letters. Talk about me. Love meeeeeeeeeee USR; Who? Sorry “Rich”, you’re far too dull to slag off.
Dear Uncle Stu Look at me, I’m crazzzzzzzy! Wanna see my boobs? I’m mad, mad me!
Uncle Stu Replies, Club Goddess? Club slapper, more like. How boring Hellie. Flashing everyone is irredeemably common, but then they are your only semi-decent feature. Make the most of them, in two years’ time your withered dugs will be dragging on the floor like an Ethiopian famine victim’s. Or Rich’s. Dear Uncle Stu My girlfriend Becca drives me wild! I can’t keep my eyes off her, she’s “the one”. I’ve set up home with her and everything. She’s great, I love her to pieces. She makes me really happy and I want to have babies with her. I would die if I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with her. I just want to let everyone know how happy and content I am and that I’m not looking for anyone else. I love her. Got it? Yours, MARK
USR, Nice try Becca, but you’re fooling no-one. Mark’s a failure of a human being, incapable of affection and comes from Norfolk. No amount of fancy lights in the kitchen floor can make up for being dragged to live in Borth. Get your priorities sorted and return to Aber. You can do better; deep-down you know it. And as for wanting babies - you've got a good 15 years before your ovaries starts shrivelling, so don't waste time on dirty, shrieking snotbags, and have fun while you can. Dear Uncle Stu, If: t ≠∆ And ∆=a And a>t Solve for: t=∆ Where: ∆ = Dani (love-lorn hypotenuse) t = Timmy (ex-President and a = Ant (psychotic ex-ACC member) USR, Christ Frances, not everything in life can be reduced to an equation. Admittedly you have summarised the Dani/Timmy/Anthony dilemma neatly. There is obviously only one solution: Assume: t + (mates) > a Let: night = dark and Weapon = bicycle chain Therefore: Timmy Dani Go on Timmy, we know you’ve got it in you. Follow this advice and you’ll soon have it in Dani.