Can Empathy Ruin Your

5 WAYS EMPATHY CAN HURT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

BY JESSICA BAUM, LMHC

Empathy tends to be a valued trait in interpersonal relationships. Simply explained, it is an awareness of the feelings and emotions of other people. It’s also a key element of emotional intelligence. That said, too much empathy can actually hurt relationships. There are some major problems you can run into with your ability to empathize if you don’t understand how to harness it. For example:

1. Feeling so deeply that you lose yourself in the relationship: Do you tune in so much to your partner’s feelings that you lose touch with your own? This form of selflessness is more like self-abandonment because you might feel for others more then you feel for yourself.

2. Constantly “temperature checking” your relationship: “Temperature checking” in a relationship is where we constantly check the energy or feelings of our partner (or even everyone in the room) instead of deferring to how we feel inside.

3. Taking on the role of the giver: When someone has a lot of empathy, they tend to be givers because they feel for others. The problem is they usually stop giving to themselves as much. The relationship can then become imbalanced. A healthy relationship needs to have both give and take on both sides.

4. Difficulty expressing: From expressing healthy anger, to using your voice, to knowing when to leave a situation that is toxic, an overabundance of empathy can make clear expression of your own feelings and needs a challenge.

5. Struggling with emotional boundaries: When you have too much empathy, you may find yourself taking on the other person’s problems. You feel deeply, so you take on their emotions and struggle to maintain a healthy perspective, often not allowing your partner to experience their reality without you absorbing it as well. The ability to feel empathy for another person is so important, but when you feel for someone too deeply, it can lead to you giving them excuses for toxic behavior. You can become so tied into their hurt and pain that you bypass the pain they might be causing you.

Without healthy emotional boundaries, your relationship can be quite draining. You might even build resentment because you feel like you have to take on their problems and you don't know how to separate yourself in a healthy way. This can backfire in your relationship when you don’t allow proper space and energy for your own self-care.

3 WAYS TO BUILD AWARENESS AND AVOID OVERUSE OF EMPATHY

1. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF: Notice why and how you developed this tendency to over-empathize. Was it taught to you as a child? Did you pick it up later on in life? Ask yourself if you feel like you give too much and lose yourself because you feel so much for others?

2. LEARN TO STEP BACK: Recognize when it’s time to switch from empathy to just holding space for someone. Remind yourself that you don't have to fix or take on others’ emotions. You just have to hold space.

3. TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF: Take the same energy you put towards empathizing with others and dedicate it yourself. Check in with how you feel and what you need. This means spending more time inside your feelings and experiences so you can relate more with yourself.

Having empathy is a beautiful quality and a gift. At times, it may stop you from making healthy choices for you. Self-care is just as important, if not more important, than the love you give to others. Harnessing your empathy will create more energy for yourself, help you set healthier boundaries in your relationships, and improve your ability to care for your own well-being.