F-A-T

By Adriane Dorr

F-A-T. With a sharp, glistening razor blade, my friend carved that word into the flesh of her bony thigh, leaving scars that will last forever. In an effort to deal with both anorexia and bulimia, she mutilated herself with a razor blade to try to relieve her problems, abusing herself in a vain effort to find acceptance and self-worth.

Pushing her body to the limit, she ate massive amounts of food and then purged her body of all that she ate. She exercised constantly, lifting weights and running for miles. Her search for acceptance and love has resulted in years of pain, discomfort, and agony. Obviously, her eating disorder took a hard toll on her body. Even as my friend has begun to heal from her disorder, her stomach is still extremely sensitive. She also loses chunks of hair and is constantly cold. My friend, along with eight million other people in the United States, suffers from an eating disorder. At first glance, food seems her most obvious problem. Yet she struggles immensely in her heart and mind. For her, as in most cases, bulimia was not centered on the desire to look trim and feel fit. A poor relationship with her parents, a troubled childhood, and a poor self-image contributed to her problems. During the time she lived with me, I realized that the only way she knew how to relieve the emotional pain was to physically take it out on her body. Essentially, her quest for perfection had come down to a search for peace and control.

As Lutherans, we know that there is only one Person in whom that calming peace can be found. "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blessed his people with peace" (Psalm 29:11). As a confused and questioning Catholic, my friend saw little comfort in the gifts given to her by Christ. She has wrestled viciously with her faith for quite some time. When she would attend the Lutheran church with me, she would slump down in the pew, flip restlessly through the hymnal, heave frustrated sighs, and do her best not to look in the pastor’s direction. Although she heard Christ’s Word, her ears heard only the Law, and that made her extremely uncomfortable.

She knew that abusing her body was wrong, and yet she did not change. The hard thing about sin is that it wraps itself into the midst of medical and potential chemical imbalances in her body, so that it is hard to see right from wrong sometimes. The simple answer is to simply say it is either her fault for this mess she’s in, or that it is simply a medical condition where she has no fault at all. But the Small Catechism reads, "The devil, the world, and our sinful nature try to mislead us into false belief, despair, and other great sins." Sin is never so simple. There are always multiple causes, which draw us into the messes of life, both big and small.

However, as she has begun to heal and has started to come to terms with her disorder, my friend is beginning to realize that her only source of comfort and stability is in Christ. Although she was raised a Catholic, she has begun to attend a Lutheran church where Christ’s forgiveness has been dumped by the truckload upon her. The Law shows her the sin she has tried to ignore and hide, but now she has begun to rejoice in the Gospel as well, hearing words of forgiveness and peace. While she cannot depend upon her earthly parents, she has begun to realize that she can rely whole-heartedly upon her heavenly Father. While she cannot find comfort or relief in earthly food such as pizza or chicken salad, she can find life and forgiveness in the Body and Blood of the Lord’s Supper. While she understands that her physical body on earth will be impaired for life, she knows that her body in heaven will be perfect.

God aches when He sees His children hurting because of the sin in their lives and sent His Son to forgive those sins and provide healing and life. Lutherans rejoice in the forgiveness found in our Lord’s free gifts of Word and Sacrament. All people, even those who are struggling with an eating disorder, may find release in His words. "He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering’" (Mark 5:34).

Adriane Dorr is an English Student at Concordia University Wisconsin.