Etiquette Moved by Grace: Why Ceremonies Matter

By Rev. David Petersen

When I was twelve, I was at a restaurant with my dad when a friend of his came over to say hello. My dad introduced us and the man reached out to shake my hand. Still seated, I reached back to shake his hand, for which I received a cuff on the shoulder. My dad said, “You stand up to shake a man’s hand.” That is a lesson that has stuck with me. Even when people say, “Don’t get up,” I get up. I always stand to shake hands.

What my dad taught me was how to act respectfully. He was making me behave so that I would seem respectful and courteous, whether I was or not. That is what ceremonies do. They are an outward sign, a form of communication. They are also a discipline of manners. We say “please” and “thank you” because we want to be courteous and thankful. These ceremonies tell those around us what we think is good.

I would not have tried this with my dad, but I suppose I could claim the higher ground. I could insist that being respectful is the essential thing and not the outward act of shaking hands. When I meet people I could refuse their hands, remain seated, and not look them in the eye or listen when they said their names. But such inaction would also be a ceremony. It would say something about who I am and what I think of the person I was meeting, about what I think is good. No matter how respectful I might be in my heart, that respect would be a secret. No one would know it. Few would believe it. Ceremonies are a form of confession because they witness to the world what we believe. Using traditional ceremonies is a form of humility and submission. It is a discipline. I stand up to shake hands to this day because that is what my father taught me.

It is impossible to worship without ceremonies. When our Lord admonished us to worship Him in spirit and truth He did not mean that we are to worship Him without ceremonies. He meant that we are to worship Him in faith and knowledge and not superstitiously. Everything we do in worship, even the fact that we are there, says something about who we are and who we believe God is. Everything we do outwardly in worship is ceremony and, therefore, confession.

There is great freedom in ceremonies. God has not given us rules about the outward forms our worship takes. But that freedom is not without limits. It is not appropriate to change God’s Name to something more comfortable like “Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier” or to substitute grape juice for wine in the Holy Communion. That would be like being introduced to a man named “Mr. Smith” and saying, “I will call you Baggy Pants. It is a better fit.” We receive what God has given. It is not ours to change.

It is also inappropriate and idolatrous to take on the worship forms and customs of pagan religions such as placing a Buddha statue on a cross or praying traditional Native American prayers to the Great Spirit in the Sky. That would be like meeting a man and mooning him or sticking out your tongue instead of shaking his hand. Despite the great freedom we have in worship, it is never appropriate to be irreverent or disrespectful of God.

My dad taught me that men stand in order to shake hands. But not all men stand to shake hands. I often meet men who do not stand, and I do not mind. I know they are not being rude or disrespectful. That is the way they do it. They shake hands and say “Hello” or use some other such greeting. They listen to my name and say their own. And even though their ceremonies are slightly different than mine, they communicate the same respect.

So it is that some of us have been taught to wear our finest clothing to worship, to treat an invitation to the Lord’s Supper with no less preparation or fuss than we would treat an invitation to the White House. Some of us have been taught to stand for praise and in honor of the Trinitarian Name in doxological hymn stanzas or to bow in submission and humility at the words of the Creed “and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the Virgin Mary and was made Man.” Some of us have been taught to make the sign of the cross or to kneel or to pray certain prayers from memory.

But none of us has been taught to be sloppy, lazy, or casual about God’s gracious presence for us in Word and Sacrament. None of us has been taught to take His promise to hear our prayers and forgive our sins lightly. None of us dares to pretend that God is amused by our sins or that we can approach Him as equals. All of us engage in ceremonies that embody what we believe and hope. It is not true that what really matters is what is in the heart. Our confession and witness also matter. For without confession and witness what is in our heart is a secret.

But what if we do not feel the way the ceremonies act? Then it is all the more important to engage in them. When we have true and heartfelt affection and a history of intimacy, we might forgo shaking hands and hug someone. We don’t need a lot of ceremony with our grandmothers. But when we are uncertain or not feeling our best, ceremonies help to put us in the proper frame of mind. Saying “please” and “thank you” keeps us civil. Ceremonies always affect the way we feel. Even though we are still the same people, we act a little differently, a littlenicer and more sophisticated, when we are dressed up for the prom and at a fancy restaurant.

Standing up and shaking hands helps us remember to be courteous and polite. It sets the stage for the meeting. Ceremonies not only affect what other people think of us. They also affect what we think of ourselves. When we are in heaven we will not need ceremonies. It will be like being in the comfort of our grandma’s house. But here and now we do need them and we benefit from them.

That is why it is best if what we do during the service is deliberate. It is best if our actions are done with understanding. Whether sitting, standing, or kneeling, singing or speaking, bowing our heads, folding our hands, or making the sign of the cross, we do what we do in worship best and to our own greatest good when we have been taught how, when, and why to do it.

Rev. David Petersen is pastor of Redeemer Lutheran Church in Fort Wayne, Indiana and on the editorial board for Higher Things. His email address is dave.h.petersen@att.net.