I Kissed Legalism Goodbye

By Adriane Dorr

Josh Harris has the answers to all of your dating questions. Just crack open any one of his books—I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship, Stop Dating the Church—and you’ll find information on how to have a God-pleasing relationship that will lead to a God-pleasing marriage and eventually produce God-pleasing children. It seems a bit odd then that the man who advocates holy relationships, no kissing before marriage, and accountability partners would have the email address DOIT4JESUS@aol.com. Ugh. Please. We’d rather not.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye is Harris’s revolutionary book that swept the Christian evangelical world off its feet. Teenagers who read it were awed by and strangely attracted to the idea that dating, in all its commitment-free glory, does more harm than good. Harris’s theory sounded far more workable: if you focus on certain Bible passages regarding sex and marriage, if you refrain from all things physical when going out, and if your family and pastor demand a weekly accounting of your activities with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you can be assured that your relationship will be a godly one. It sounded good. It enticed thousands of teenagers. Girls even began saying things like, “I’m not dating anymore. Jesus is my boyfriend.”Huh?

In his next book, Boy Meets Girl, Harris outlined his version of what a relationship based on biblical principles should look like. He elaborated on the idea that courting is more purposeful than dating. It is a season, he claims, a time in which a man and woman decide whether or not they are meant to be married. Courtship actively works towards marriage, while dating is loose and without meaning. To Harris’s mind, the secular standards for dating were far less than ideal, and so religious ones were put in place. Boyfriends and girlfriends don’t hug. Marriage is the goal of any relationship. Pastors and parents supervise the courtship, pointing out what the couple is doing wrongly and what worries them about the pair.

These types of rules struck a chord with many teenagers and spawned a whole new rash of books. Finding Your Million Dollar Mate was next. The author, Randy Pope, outlined six principles that will guarantee you, literally, a match made in heaven. Some of them are helpful, such as praying daily for your future spouse. Some are pretty harsh, like immediately breaking off relationships with non-Christians. Ouch. But these rules, if followed in the proper succession, the author practically says, guarantee a long and happy life.

All these regulations sounded quite pleasing to the tingly ears of young men and women everywhere. We like the idea that we can do something for God, that we can work at being better, and even bring about more holiness by our own actions. Harris sweet talks us into believing this by writing that God is simply “telling us that if we want to get life right, we need to make it about God. Another way to put it is that we need to see God’s glory as the greatest purpose of every part of life.” Or at least for forty days.

“Well, that’s certainly easy enough!” we cry. So now all we need to do is talk up God and let our parents check on us during dates, and then everything is guaranteed to work out swimmingly. A + B = C. Or better yet, if we pray enough, only hang out with Christians, and follow the six highly effective habits of dating, we’ll end up marrying a physical reincarnation of Michelangelo’s David. God will surely make the perfect girl or boy waltz right into our lives.

Nice try, but no go. These books are dangerous. In fact, they’re nothing more than Law. And because they’re Law, all they do is accuse. And they keep right on accusing, from the Table of Contents to the back cover. They put the responsibility on us as readers to be holy and sinless when dealing with members of the opposite sex, even though it’s impossible. There’s no way that praying with your boyfriend will stop you from saying something hurtful to him later on. Having your parents bellow “Hand check!” during a movie will not keep you from lusting after your girlfriend ten minutes later. Going to church with your sweetheart is not a promise that you won’t break his or her heart some day.

I’m sure that Josh Harris wrote these books with the best of intentions. But somewhere between studying the Scripture and putting pen to paper, he screwed up. Big time. Teenagers turn to his book looking for the truth, searching for the best way to please God in a relationship. They turn the last page feeling guilty and ashamed for sins that have already been forgiven and even for things that aren’t wrong at all, like kissing someone before marriage.

Take heart. Harris’s version of how to interact with your boyfriend or girlfriend is not Gospel truth. Certainly he mentions things that are good to keep in mind when dating. He suggests praying for your boyfriend or girlfriend and that the Lord would bless your time together. You can even ask that He give you the strength to keep the 6th Commandment in mind when the temptation gets a little too strong. Pray that God would keep you pure in heart. Hold Him to His promise of forgiveness. And then rest in His grace, knowing that there’s a possibility that at some point in your relationship you’re going to screw up. You may lust. You may lose the other person’s trust. You may get mad at him or her. You’re a sinner.

But there is Jesus, that pesky guy Harris somehow forgot to work into the conversation. Jesus promises to forgive any mistake you might make in your relationships. He died for you for a reason. He hung on the cross—smelly, bleeding, weak, and dirty—so that when you say something you shouldn’t, there’s forgiveness. When you get a little carried away with staring at your girlfriend’s legs, there’s forgiveness. When you lie to your boyfriend, there’s forgiveness. When you yell and swear and say things you don’t mean, He forgives that too.

Jesus is not your homeboy. He’s not even your boyfriend. If He is, you’re going to have to break up with Him the next time that cute guy in study hall asks you out, and that would just be mean. But the good news is that He’s your Savior, and He works all the wrong things you do, even in relationships, for your good.

Adriane Dorr graduated from CUW in May with a degree in English and Writing. She works as editorial assistant for Higher Things and, after completing a summer internship at Concordia Publishing House in St. Louis, now also works for the company as a free-lance copy editor.