Christ on Campus: Myths about Relationships

By Rev. W. Max Mons

Introduction

Let me ask you a question. What are you looking to get out of your college experience? Certainly you want the bachelor’s degree, but what else? How about good grades and marketable skills so that you can land a job or get into grad school? Those would be great. And do you know what else would be great? A spouse!

Let’s be real. A lot of us go to college with the hope that somehow, someway, across the crowded dorm cafeteria or lecture hall, we’ll meet the one. Maybe that’s happened for you, and maybe it hasn’t. Either way, good Lutheran boy or girl that you are, you’ll want to have a strong, healthy, Christcentered relationship. For that to happen, we need to do some relationship myth busting, and while we can’t bust all of them, here’s a few popular ones that deserve to be annihilated.

Myth #1—Some Enchanted Evening

In the musical South Pacific, Emile deBecque sings a number entitled “Some Enchanted Evening.” The song supports the notion of love at first sight. That might be true in the theatre, but it’s not reality.

To be sure, you may see a stranger across a crowed room and know that you have a strong physical or sexual attraction to that person, but that’s not love. It’s a strong physical or sexual attraction. 1 Corinthians 13:4–6 says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.” This passage tells us that love is a commitment that needs a relationship in which a man and woman serve each other, paying attention to each other’s needs and longings. That takes time; it doesn’t exist the first time you spot someone.

Myth #2—It’s Kismet

Sometimes we can get the notion that God selects one person for each Christian to marry, and He relentlessly works to bring them together. But in his explanations to the First Article of the Apostles’ Creed and the Fourth Petition of the Lord’s Prayer, Martin Luther informs us that our spouse is a gift from God. That’s true, but it’s also true that the selection of a spouse is a matter of choice.

Our liturgy for marriage supports both the idea of free choice and God’s intimate involvement when it says:

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and before His Church to witness the union of this man and this woman in holy matrimony. This is an honorable estate instituted and blessed by God in Paradise, before humanity’s fall into sin. In marriage we see a picture of the communion between Christ and His bride, the Church. Our Lord blessed and honored marriage with His presence and first miracle at Cana in Galilee. This estate is also commended to us by the apostle Paul as good and honorable. Therefore, marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God” (Lutheran Service Book Agenda, 65).

Did you catch that? Marriage is instituted by God, but we enter into it reverently and deliberately. We have a choice in the matter.

Before entering a relationship, especially a serious one that could lead to marriage, it’s wise to consider items such as family background, education, financial issues, and a host of other questions. Know your areas of greatest concern, and have a set of non-negotiable items, such as “My spouse will be a Lutheran.”

Myth #3—The Flame in Your Heart

When I first started dating my wife, romance and excitement filled the air. When she entered the room, my heart skipped a beat, my palms got sweaty, and it was difficult to speak. But you know what? It still happens but not as often as before.

Some people read that last sentence and conclude, “Well, that relationship is over. It’s lost its spark.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

The truth is, as time rolls on, most couples don’t experience that same rush, yet the love is deeper. They’ve grown to know each other. They have grown in ways of expressing their love to one another. That’s not to say we shouldn’t be romantic; flowers, candy, holding hands, and dinner out are all wonderful things. But the point is that true love isn’t built on emotions, and emotion gives way to deep-seated love and commitment.

Myth #4—I Know What You’re Thinking.

Mary came home from work one day and was extremely upset. Bob asked, “What’s wrong?” Mary replied, “If you loved me, you would know what’s wrong.” How would he know? Is Bob a mind reader? No. The only way he’s going to know is if Mary tells him. Frank, open, and honest communication is vital to any relationship.

Myth #5—True Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry

At its core, this myth supports the idea that true love means no fights. Sometimes you’ll meet a couple who will say, “We’ve been married for forty-three years, and we’ve never had a fight.” Do you know why that is? They don’t talk to one another!

Think about it. My sister and I were raised by the same parents under the same roof for over sixteen years. We were taught the same values, and, at times, we would raise the roof with our fights. If that’s what happens with two people who were raised under the same roof, imagine what happens when two people from two different backgrounds seek to have an intimate close relationship?

Conflict is a certainty. It can take place over silly things like how to hang a roll of toilet paper to more serious things like how to discipline children. True love means learning how to work through conflicts, and that means learning how to express your feelings, how to listen, and how to understand. Most of all, it means learning how to say, “I’m sorry for what I did” as well as “I forgive you.” True love can say that, because in true love the love of Jesus reigns supreme.

Conclusion

Have you met the one or are you still waiting? Either way we’ve busted a few myths. Here’s wishing you a strong, healthy, Christ at the center relationship.

Rev. W. Max Mons is campus pastor at St. Paul's Lutheran Chapel at the University of Iowa.