The Stepfamily Redemption Connection

By Katie Hill

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Revelation 21:5

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, roughly 1,300 new stepfamilies are created each day and this number is increasing. If this statistic holds up, the odds are either you, or someone you know is part of a blended family.

The brutal reality is that by definition, stepfamilies come about because of loss. Either one parent has died or both parents have been ripped apart by divorce. Both circumstances mean there is a lot of healing required and that can take a very, very long time. And then when a stepfamily is formed, this healing gets compounded by trying to build new relationships.

I know this is not what you signed up for. Deep down, you might even wish that somehow your dad and mom could just pull it together and not be divorced anymore. You still desperately miss your mom whom you lost to cancer, even though you appreciate what your stepmom does for you. Maybe you struggle to get along with your stepdad. You like your stepbrother, but your stepsister? Lord, have mercy! And then there’s the matter of going back and forth between two houses—sometimes it feels like you’re walking on Jello.

Why do I care? Besides having been a teacher and watching many young people go through these family changes, I’ve been on both ends of the stepfamily spectrum myself. My mom was divorced when I was 5 and remarried when I was 7. Because my biological father surrendered his parental rights, my stepfather legally adopted me and gave me his name. He took on an instant family and invested the time to raise me and love me for the sake of my mom. I know I gave him a hard time on occasion but in the long run, I began to marvel at his patience with me. And even though I would occasionally long for the father I had barely known, I knew that my stepdad was “Daddy.” Now[ some years later, I am mom to two biological children and three stepchildren— experiencing all of the joy and pain that living in a blended family can bring.

What I can affirm to you is that the Cross-centered understanding of grace and forgiveness that I have as a Lutheran has had a direct bearing on how I navigate these sometimes very choppy waters.

In light of your chief identity as a baptized child of God, let’s work through some of the common struggles with which you might be wrestling:

Why did God allow this to happen?

We live in a fallen world where sin’s devastating effects are clearly evident. Death and broken relationships are the consequence of Adam’s sin. However, God is in the redemption business through His Son, Jesus. None of this surprises God and, in a way we cannot always comprehend, He promises to work these things for our good (Romans 8:28). Sin leads to awful consequences, but forgiveness of sins has even deeper, far-reaching effects. God can take all of the broken pieces and make something new. Isn’t it, after all, the overarching theme in the Scriptures is that in spite of all of our brokenness, Christ’s perfect life, death and resurrection redeem us?

I’m not sure God blesses stepfamilies like He does other families.

There is not a single family on the face of this earth presently or who has ever existed, that hasn’t dealt with struggle and contention. Look at the book of Genesis alone…nearly every family on its pages experienced some kind of dysfunction. Who had a son who killed his brother (by blood, no less)? Adam. What father of the faith had sons from four different women who conspired to get rid of their brother? Jacob. And on and on it goes. Yet, because God chooses to bless us in spite of our brokenness, we see He uses those messed-up families—and yes, even our families—to point us to Christ.

It will never be the way it used to be.

You’re right. How I wish I could comfort you that way, but I can’t. And I can’t promise you it will be amazingly better than you expected, but remember that God makes all things new. The forming of a stepfamily presents unique challenges but it can also give you the opportunity to learn more directly about forgiveness. One observation of many adult stepchildren is that they learned how to be more forbearing and forgiving in ways they might not have otherwise.

What’s my role?

It is not my purpose to tell you how to be a good stepchild or how to understand your stepparent(s). There are plenty of good resources out there filled with excellent day-to-day practical advice. What I want to communicate is that if you’re a stepchild, then that is a vocation. We Lutherans get catechized early on about the concept of vocation—a role in which God places us. And we have many such vocations. While stepchild is a vocation you didn’t voluntarily choose, much of what is expected of you is similar to the vocation of son or daughter. The Small Catechism reminds us with clarity about the extent of the Fourth Commandment:

Who are parents and other authorities? Parents are fathers, mothers and guardians, other authorities are all those whom God has placed over us at home, in government, at school at the place where we work, and in the church.

When it comes to the Fourth Commandment, you don’t have to choose between mom and stepmom/dad and stepdad. God calls you to honor the guardians He has placed over you, whether you like them or not and whether you live with both of your biological parents or only one and a stepparent. My hope is that in time you will experience a rich relationship with your stepparent(s) but the Fourth Commandment doesn’t require that.

What now?

There’s no denying the growing pains you have and will experience. Avail yourself of the means of grace through the water, Word and Lord’s Supper. Seek out absolution, not only at Divine Service but also whenever you need it—your pastor is there for you. Remember your baptism each morning with the sign of the cross, for every day is a new day in Christ! As often as you can, feast on the Body and Blood of Christ, which will strengthen your faith as you travel this path. Hang out with people who will remind you of these truths. And remember that the same Lord who is seated on the throne making all things new gives you all that you need to sustain you in this life, no matter what challenges come your way. He will always be your firm foundation as He lovingly forgives you and strengthens you.

Katie Hill is the editor of Higher Things Magazine. She is mom to Caitlyn, Daniel, Troy, Holly and Kelly. She has occasionally been referred to as “the Evil Stepmother” but this has thankfully been an endearment. She can be reached at katie.hill@higherthings.org.