Letters To The Lollygagger

LETTERS TO THE LOLLYGAGGER

GOT A BURNING QUESTION ABOUT HIKING THAT YOU JUST CAN’T SEEM TO FIND THE ANSWER TO? ASK OUR VERY OWN CHIEF LOLLYGAGGER!

Dear Chief Lollygagger, Pooping in the woods is extremely hard for me. Just to get the squat right without getting the nasty on my clothes and boots is difficult but then to hold a sumo squat and then have to wipe- I’m so scared I’m going to fall butt cheek first into my fresh pile of doo doo. Do you have any tips on pooping in the woods? Sincerely yours, Not Your Average in the Woods Pooper in Washington

Dear Not Your Average in the Woods Pooper in Washington, I’ve never really thought about technique before so I’ll just tell you what it is I think about when I’m slipping out of camp. After I get past the eco red tape of where I can go, I look for somewhere that I won’t be spotted. I like a spot with a little bit of a front downward angle because it makes it easier to balance with the pressure only going one way on your ankles and it’s better to fall forward onto your hands then backwards. Then when I see that magic spot I hope for nice soft ground to dig my hole and hopefully I’m not in a hurry. I do have a heavy duty trowel just in case the ground is hard.

The safest distance your pants and drawers can be from the action is at the bend in your knees and this allows you to still have a little last minute maneuverability. Squatting technique varies among my tribe but I’ve always been able to squat with my feet a foot or so apart on the sides of my butt and my elbows resting on my knees. Years of yoga have probably helped in staying flexible and having good balance. Look up the garland pose to get an idea. One personal tip I can give you is if you’re overnighting out in the woods go out and pre-dig your cat hole. It makes for an easier midnight movement.

Dear Chief Lollygagger, I stay awake at night sometimes camped in the middle of the woods in the super dark with super sonic hearing power sometimes and the crack of a branch makes me hyperventilate thinking a bear is going to come in my tent. How do you sleep at night and not worry about being eaten by a bear in the middle of the woods. Sincerely Yours, Super Sonic Hearing in Oregon

Dear Super Sonic Hearing in Oregon, Assuming you’re following proper food storage protocol, this is a good question for my higher self. Being out in the woods at night for me has always been a “this is where I belong” and an “I am the lucky one” moment. I have spent a few nights out in the mountains solo, and I think the feeling of gratitude was always over powering any thoughts of doom and fear and I have woken up to the biggest black bear I have ever seen walking 10 feet from my tent. It already knew I was there, and didn’t seem too concerned ,so I sat and watched it sniff around and walk away a minute later. Just accept the fact that there are beautiful creatures that call the wild their home, and enjoy the silence that allows you to sometimes hear them, and the darkness that magnifies the starlight. The question of being eaten by a wild animal- I don’t have an answer for you. You could look yummy and smell delicious.

HAVE YOUR OWN QUESTION FOR OUR CHIEF LOLLYGAGGER? SUBMIT THEM TO: info@hikeitoffmagazine.com