But parents know the real truth, and it’s nothing like the ads. Using hilariously honest rhymes and illustrations that will have you laughing at their subversive familiarity, author Andrew Willis and illustrator Robin Swift tell it like it really is: the vomit, the tantrums and the endless sleepless nights! To all parents and carers: read this and know that you are not alone! Published in 2012 by Bonney Press, an imprint of Hinkler Books Pty Ltd 45–55 Fairchild Street Heatherton Victoria 3202 Australia www.hinkler.com.au Printed and bound in China © Hinkler Books Pty Ltd 2012
ISBN 978-1-7435-2067-3
No, we are not fgking there yet...
Children. Aren’t they adorable?
HB01_SEPT12_01
and other uni versal truths of parenting Andrew Willis • Robin Swift
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UK ENGLISH
27/07/12 4:03 PM
UK english – f-word version
For all the parents who made so many sacrifices and wondered if it was worth it...*
Published by Bonney Press, an imprint of Hinkler Books Pty Ltd 45–55 Fairchild Street Heatherton Victoria 3202 Australia www.hinkler.com.au
© Hinkler Books Pty Ltd 2012 Author: Andrew Willis Illustrator: Robin Swift Art director: Paul Scott Prepress: Graphic Print Group All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any way or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of Hinkler Books Pty Ltd. ISBN: 978 1 7435 2067 3 Printed and bound in China
* (It was ! )
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25/07/12 11:26 AM
UK english – f-word version
and other uni versal truths of parenting
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25/07/12 11:26 AM
UK english – f-word version
Push the Shopping Trolley See Mummy push the shopping trolley, Gathering food for the pantry, While you lie on the ground, Screaming like a banshee. You won’t be quiet, you won’t get up, No matter what I try. So I make the move to call your bluff, And leave you there to cry. Everybody stares at us, Like they could stop the crying. I’m begging you, please stop it now, I feel like fgking dying. I pick you up, you scratch my face, You kick cans to the floor. We’ll starve, who cares, we’re going home, I can’t take this anymore.
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25/07/12 11:27 AM
UK english – f-word version
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25/07/12 11:27 AM
UK english – f-word version
This is the Dinner that Mummy Made This is the dinner that Mummy made.
This is the baby who threw the dinner that Mummy made.
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25/07/12 11:28 AM
UK english – f-word version
This is the food that dribbled down the wall that was hit by the baby who threw the dinner that Mummy made.
This is the dinner that replaced the food that dribbled down the wall that was hit by the baby who threw the dinner that Mummy made.
This is the baby who threw the dinner that replaced the food that dribbled down the wall that was hit by the baby who threw the dinner that Mummy made.
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25/07/12 11:28 AM
UK english – f-word version
This is the food that soaked into the brand new fgking carpet that was hit by the baby who threw the dinner that replaced the food that dribbled down the wall that was hit by the baby who threw the dinner that Mummy made.
This is the Mummy who cried the tears that merged with the food that soaked into the brand new fgking carpet that was hit by the baby who threw the dinner that replaced the food that dribbled down the wall that was hit by the baby who threw the dinner that Mummy made.
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25/07/12 11:28 AM
UK english – f-word version
This is the bottle of wine that was drunk by the Mummy who cried the tears that merged with the food that soaked into the brand new fgking carpet that was hit by the baby who threw the dinner that replaced the food that dribbled down the wall that was hit by the baby who threw the dinner that Mummy made.
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25/07/12 12:59 PM
UK english – f-word version
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25/07/12 11:29 AM
UK english – f-word version
Learn to Count One is for this little nose, on your face so tiny, Two is for your lovely eyes, so big and round and shiny. Three is for the smiles you give because you love to play, Four is for how many times you made me cry today. 30 is for the seconds I had to take a shower, 200 is for the decibels of your screaming power. 300 is my heart rate when you ran towards the road, A thousand is for the times today you dumped a fgking load. A million is my blood pressure when you nearly ate the glue, Infinity, for some crazy reason, is how much I love you.
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25/07/12 11:29 AM