Last Words

by ANGUS RICHARD

It seems we all want to leave behind some sort of metaphorical “pyramid” by which we will be remembered after our short time on earth terminates. It may be a painting, book, a building or piece of music. Perhaps it will manifest itself in our kids or grandkids doing wonderous things, reflecting our earlier generous genetic donation.

Certainly, few will emulate the Pharaoh Khufu. His pyramid was built in 2600 BC and is to this day the last surviving Wonder of the World. It remained the world’s tallest structure for 4000 years and then the Brits found a rock on which to build Lincoln Cathedral in 1311 which was taller. Sadly, planning permission would appear to have closed off the pyramid option for us these days!

However, all is not lost in our quest for immortality. There is a cheap alternative available. The key is to dream up some “famous last words” and then ensure you are rational enough to deliver them to an appropriately grieving audience.

By way of example there are some marvellous last words that have certainly immortalised the creator who might otherwise have submerged into the swamp of historical oblivion.

Take Admiral Lord Nelson who was mortally wounded at the Battle of Trafalgar. Carried below decks on his flagship Victory he uttered his final words “kiss me Hardy”. Hardy was the captain of his flagship, and it was indeed unusual for an Admiral to ask a Captain to kiss him even under such extenuating circumstances.

These last words were widely reported and, after some speculation about Hardy and Nelson, the Admiralty stepped in and declared that he had actually said “Kismet Hardy” as in “That’s fate Hardy”. Unfortunately, it was later shown that the word “Kismet” did not enter the English language until some years after Nelson’s death!

Oscar Wilde was dying impoverished and in exile in France. He had earlier proclaimed “now I am dying beyond my means”. He was confined to a very cheap and seedy Paris hotel supported by the charity of a few remaining friends. He hated the room to which he was confined.

“My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death, either the wallpaper goes, or I do” were his last words. Then it appears the wallpaper won, as he promptly passed away!

Possibly the gold medal for the worst timing must go to Major General Sedgwick at the battle of Spotsylvania Court House. In a moment of reckless abandon to encourage his troops, he leapt up upon the fortifications and shouted to them “Don’t worry boys! They couldn’t hit an elephant from this dist………!”

The legendary departure I like best is that of Robin Hood. After an exemplary life of service to his country he lay dying in a turret room of Nottingham Castle. The casement window was thrown open to reveal the mist and autumn leaves of Sherwood Forest spread to the horizon below.

Grieving around his bed were Marion and his lifelong followers. He called for his longbow and a goose-quilled arrow, and to be propped up on the bed before the window. His last words were a request for a pledge from those gathered .

“I will shoot my last arrow and you must swear to bury me wheresoever it lands,” he whispered. All swore a solemn oath that his last wish would indeed be honoured.

With his remaining strength he drew back the great bow and releasing the arrow he fell back dead. So, it came to pass some three days hence, with muffled drums, pomp and great sadness they buried him on top of the wardrobe!

(Okay, so maybe some artistic licence there, but his lack of strength would’ve certainly meant the arrow didn’t travel fast or far, so who knows?)