Tales From Hell by Jelle Heij

Tales From Hell BY JELLE HEIJ

A faint knock on the door made Lucifer snap out of his concentration. “company, at this hour?” he thought while looking at the big wooden clock beside him. “come on in, I’m just finishing up here” he said while straightening a pile of paper on the side of his desk. The door opened and a small, hunched over kobold in a worn-down tuxedo entered Lucifers office. “ah yes Gerald, working overtime again I see, it’s getting late my good sir, how may I help you?” “Yes Mr. Satan, sorry to bother you at this time. I was just finishing up the bookkeeping for today and it seems like there has been a slight miscalculation regarding this morning’s soul harvest.” “A miscalculation? That’s seems impossible, our soul tracking systems is the most advanced in al the realms. And besides, the imps make sure the numbers are verified, they know what happens when they don’t add up” Lucifer chuckled. It had been a few eons since he had imp steak but this might be the perfect opportunity to enjoy one of Hell’s finest delicacies once again. “Sir I double checked the systems, it seems like a mistake from higher up.” Gerald nervously stated while shifting his weight from one foot to the other trying to avoid eye contact. “Higher up? You mean Simeon and Reaper are responsible for this, are you sure Gerald, I’m not in the mood for games.” Lucifer stood up from his chair, swung back his cape and reached out his hand towards the side of the room, summoning his staff which swiftly floated towards him. “Yes sir, I apologise. It is the only possible explanation.” Gerald glanced at the door behind him and calculated if he could make a run for it before he got burned to a crisp. “I’m sorry Sir, protocol states that when a soul gets astray, it needs to be retrieved to their rightful realm. I’ve had contact with the bureau of heavenly affairs and it turns out their soul count is off as well. It’s almost like a soul meant for down here accidentally got sent… up there” “Does this mean what I think it means Gerald?” “Yes sir, I think we have to take a short trip to heaven.” Heaven, saying the word out loud always left Lucifer with a sour taste of honey and love. Disgusting. Realising the consequences if he didn’t follow protocol he quickly got to the conclusion that there was no way of avoiding his predicament. “very well then” Lucifer sighed, making a mental note on actually reading protocols the next time he applied for an executive position. “I guess we’re off, let’s get it over with quickly” he reluctantly said while secretly hoping to be back before midnight. Season 3 of ‘Tusk Love’ was airing tonight and he couldn’t wait to find out if against all odds Gragzog and Vaal did actually get engaged. Oh well, he would skewer anyone who attempted to spoil the episode anyways. It was quiet on the streets of Acheron. Besides a group of bloodhounds searching for a meal and three gargoyles playing cards in an alley the streets were somewhat peaceful, which troubled Lucifer. The sounds of limbs getting torn of and souls getting squashed always soothed him, especially right before bed. “Sir, we can use this to get across the crimson wastelands in no-time.” Gerald smiled and pointed at a brand-new panther-print covered Vespa. “A gift from my wife, isn’t she beautiful.” “Uhm, yes right. I assume this is the fastest mode of travel at our disposal, thank you Gerald.” Lucifer looked at the monstrosity that stood in front of him and threw up in his mouth a little while placing his rear-end on the back seat of the scooter. “Off we go sir, wheeee.” “Shut up Gerald.”

“Sorry Sir.” They took off with a loud ‘wrooom’ leaving behind a big cloud of dust. It had been a while since Lucifer left the office and went out on the streets of Hell. He remembered the crimson wastelands as a vague fever dream. Now that he was driving through them again a lot of fond memories came back. “Remember when we would play ‘throw the unsuspecting human into the fire tornado until nothing but a pile of ash remained’ Gerald?” Lucifer never was very good at coming up with concise names. “yes Mr. Satan, the good old days. I remember when I poked out my first eyeball, when there was nothing but torture and friends.” It took about 30 minutes to cross the crimson wastelands. A desolate red desert filled with torn down sheds, rotting bodies, fire tornados and spinning sawblades. Lucifer had lived in the upper echelons of Hell for centuries now. Back in his day the wastelands would be occupied with hard working souls, blue collar Imps and kobolds who spent their days doing honest labour. Looking around he was surprised to find the wastelands contained Nutella Ice cream stores and dumb expensive souvenir shops. “30$ for a t-shirt saying ‘wanderlust’. Are you responsible for this Gerald?” “Yes sir, It was meant to be a surprise.” “Good job Gerald” Lucifer laughed, happy that they finally managed to eternalise the concept of gentrification. “We’re almost there sir” Gerald said while pointing up to a big white hole in the otherwise bloodred sky. “The eternal pit, it has been ages since I’ve last seen it with my own eyes.” The eternal pit. The place all doomed souls fall through when they enter their everlasting torture. If you listen closely,you can hear the screams and pleas of the souls who are destined for this place, slowly coming to the realisation that there was only one option: jump. The Vespa came to a screeching halt next to a small pink shed. Gerald got off and knocked on the front door. “We’re closed” A squeaky voice said from the other side. “It’s an emergency” Gerald said in a professional tone. “We need to see Simeon and Reaper” “Who is we?” A small hatch in the door opened and three blue eyes stared at Lucifer and Gerald. Realising who she had in front of them the door quickly opened. “My apologies Mr. Satan” I will get the carriage ready at once” A round creature with three eyes and three legs came out the door and crawled towards what looked like a small hot-air balloon. “There she is. off you go then.” Lucifer and Gerald got in the cramped balloon and slowly started to float towards the big white hole in the sky. The balloon ride up was rather uneventful. There were a few cursed souls who tried to cling on to the side of the balloon as a last attempt to avoid damnation. “Please Mr. Satan, one last chance” They cried and cried. Lucifer and Gerald took this time to practice their fireball casting skills. Sniping unsuspecting souls that fell down the pit and slashing the ones that tried to latch on to the balloon. “It’s good to be back out here isn’t it Gerald, a fine moment to get our hands dirty.” “We still got it Mr. Satan” Gerald laughed while crushing 2 souls between his skinny fingers. The balloon reached the top of the pit without much trouble and when they crossed the border to the other side, they were blinded by a bright white light shining down on them. When their eyes adjusted, they saw that they entered the Last Crossroad. A bright white area. On the left they saw the road to purgatory. On the other side of the room were the gold gates of heaven. Lucifer noticed the long line of souls waiting to be assigned their final journey. Hoping they would be allowed to enter the gates.

Behind the altar a busy and sweating Simeon was trying to keep the line organised. “Ladies and Gentle souls, it is almost midnight which means we will finish the assignments for today. We have arranged accommodation in purgatory for everyone who needs a place to sleep.” “Ugh, lines. You think we’re already in Hell?” one of the souls muttered to its neighbour.” While the crowd of souls slowly made their way to purgatory Lucifer and Gerald walked up to the altar. “Hi there Simeon, long time no see” “Hello Mr. Satan, you are here to collect the lost soul I assume?” Simeon glanced over to Gerald. “Did you have a safe journey up through the pit?” “Yes Mr. Simeon, everything went smoothly. Too bad this mistake had to occur.” “Well luckily, we can fix this in no-time. She should be here any time now” Simeon said while pointing at the gates of heaven. The gates slowly opened with a loud ‘HISSS’ sound. A cloud of white smoke erupted and a black Cadillac straight out of the 1940s pulled up. It seemed heaven tried to modernize, the Cadillac was a big improvement from the horse and carriage they used to ride but it still felt like they missed the mark by about 70 years. The car stopped in front of the altar and two angels wearing a black suits and sunglasses got out. “I am here to retrieve that which belongs to my realm” Lucifer said with a solemn tone. The angels nodded at Simeon and Gerald. The back door opened and a woman with short perky hair and glasses got out of the car. In her right hand she was holding a small briefcase. “It has been a while Lucifer, you look horrible.” “Thank you, Margit, that’s nice of you” “So,let’s get this over with so we can all go home and watch ‘Tusk Love’ alright” Margit said. “It has been a pleasure working with you Gerald, but we will take it from here” Margit snapped her fingers and a golden cage formed around Lucifer restraining him in place. “What, what is happening. Stop this at once!” Lucifer said with a concerned tone. “What are these games you’re playing?” Margit walked up to Gerald and handed over the small briefcase. “This will have everything you need, the paperwork will be finished by tomorrow morning, any questions before we part ways?” she asked. “I have lots of questions” Lucifer screamed now visibly angry and scared. “What the hell is going on?” Gerald slowly walked up to Lucifer. “You’ve grown old Lucifer. Accustomed to your ways and habits. Too lazy to see what’s right in front of you. For years I have been operating in your shadow, fixing your stupid mistakes, reading up on protocols so you don’t have to. No more. It’s time I take control and claim what rightfully belongs to me.” Lucifer tried to break open the cage but touching the gold metal left him with painful burns. “I’ve always been good to you Gerald, I don’t understand.” “This is hell Lucifer, after all these years you’ve been lulled into a false sense of security, thinking you’re invincible, a God. You’re merely a product of evil, there to be swatted like a fly. I have a vision Lucifer, ideals and drive, things you lost ages ago. You’ve gotten fat” “Gotten fat?” Lucifer didn’t quite understand how his body mass was relevant to the current situation. “But we grew up together Gerald, I made sure you had security and proper place in Hell.” “You’re a menace to all of us Lucifer. A lazy ruler who just doesn’t care anymore. I on the other hand know what our people want Lucifer, I still care! I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, you’re done. Margit will take good care of you… I hope” Gerald shook Margit’s hand. “It has been a pleasure doing business with you Margit.”

“Likewise, Gerald, have a great evening” Margit snapped her fingers and the golden cage started floating and latched itself onto the roof of the Cadillac. Gerald slowly made his way back to the eternal pit, nodding at Simeon and getting the balloon ready for the descent. He looked around one last time to sneak a glimpse of a defeated Lucifer stuck in a golden cage ready to enter the gates of heaven, his eternal damnation. That evening Gerald entered the door to Lucifers office and looked at the big wooden clock “Just in time for ‘Tusk Love’. He said down in the armchair behind the desk and straightened a pile of paper. Tomorrow would be a new beginning. A new life, a new name: Satan.