Dyslexia Does Not Define Me by Salomé Kandráčová

I was a very happy child, or so my mother tells me. She has photos to prove it too. Mini-me loved to smile and laugh, to play and draw. And I do have happy memories from my childhood. However, I am one of those people who does not look back on their childhood with feelings of nostalgia and wishing for ‘the good old days.’

My happy nature changed once I had to go to school. From then on there was a lot of frustration in me. I didn’t understand what others around me obviously did. One day in Kindergarten I remember very clearly how I was personallytaught by the teacher what 1+1 equals and how I -to my shame and embarrassment -I had forgotten it again the next day. Feeling stupid and dumb was already starting to settle in my system. I must have been 4 or 5 at the time.

It was that same teacher who went to my mother and told her that she suspected I have dyslexia. The funny thing is, when I was a child, I didn’t like my teacher at all. I remember her as a cold and strict person, though I do not know if this is true, I only have vague memories of that time. Now however, I am grateful to her because it’s thanks to her that I was I was diagnosed with dyslexia7 relatively early in life.

My parents took me to an institute that specialised in diagnosing children with learning problems. I had to come back several times in order to ensure that they had covered everything. They tried giving me Ritalin, which only made me an unruly and hyperactive child, so that was quickly scraped off of the list of possibilities.

I really didn’t like going there because I started to realize that it wasn’t normal for children to be brought here. All the other children in my class didn’t have to go here. That was yet another indication that I really was very stupid and worthless, or so I thought. My parents always gave me a treat, like a croissant, to make the visits more bearable for me.

After this, I was sent to an institute that specialised in diagnosing and helping children with dyslexia. Here I would go every week till I had reached the highest reading level in Dutch education, which I got when I was 12 years old.

Meanwhile at school, I was taken separately during classes to be tested and examined by one of the remedial teachers at school. She would do all kinds of exercises with me relating to reading, writing and spelling. Once I impressed her by telling her in detail about the story she just read out to me. What I didn’t understand back then but know now, is that I showed her that there was nothing wrong with my reading comprehension. Despite this, the school concluded that they couldn’t give me the kind of extra help that I needed in order to get through school.

I was transferred to a special school where they teach children with learning and behaviour difficulties. By now I was approximately 7 years old. And the transfer was for me a real blow; by now I was convinced of my own stupidity. All the extra help and special tests had made that very clear to

7 Dyslexia is a learning difficulty that mainly causes problems with reading, writing and spelling.

me, no matter how much my parents denied it when I said to them that I was stupid, I wouldn’t believe them. I would stay in this school till my 11th birthday, they taught me more than only the usual curriculum.

They also gave me lessons on how to handle one's anger. Because by now I was an extremely frustrated child; tired of going to school where I was only confronted with my stupidity. And my ways of dealing with this frustration were of no good to anyone. But thanks to the behaviour lessons, where they used a playful way of explaining things, I was soon able to deal with that frustration in a better way. The frustration was still there, but now I was able to talk about it with my parents.

So as I mentioned above, when I turned 11 I had to go to another school for children with special learning needs. My first year there was to finish all the last things to round off Elementary school. And the second year they prepared me for the CITO examinations8. I had all kinds of extra’s during those examinations to help me through them: I had extra time, a recorded voice reading out the questions to me and I had extra big letters on the sheets. And though there were more children this time that had the same extra help, I still felt damned stupid. Instead of seeing it in a positive light that I am not the only one who needs these kinds of things, I saw us as a group of the dumbest people.

Once in Highschool not much changed, especially with the usual teenage hormones the belief that I was stupid didn’t lift. Here too I always needed extra help and extra time for my examinations. I was never the best in something, always hanging somewhere in the middle or at the bottom of the class. Despite this and all my struggles through my Kindergarten, Elementary and Highschool years I managed to graduate with a HAVO diploma.

I am not stupid.

I am smart. I am smart. I am smart! Though it would take me at least five more years and a lot of therapy to realize this to be the truth.

To this day I still have this lingering insecurity in me that gets easily triggered when someone uses a tone of voice that indicates I asked a stupid question. And when confronted with my dyslexia especially when learning a new language - I feel that familiar frustration building up inside me. I don’t know if I will ever be able to truly accept this part of me. How I have wished to be able to open a book, read something once and know it for the rest of my life. How I continue to wish that learning a new language is something that comes naturally to me.

People tend to say and/or believe that a learning difficulty shouldn’t or doesn’t define a person. I disagree. It has everything to do with that person and shapes them the way they are. It brings them struggles and frustrations and makes them different from the masses. It’s the person’s responsibility to try and find ways to live with these parts of them, to find ways to work around or with these learning difficulties. That influences not only the way they learn but also the way they handle (difficult) situations. It has everything to do with that person’s character.

8 Exams that give an indication on how high the student’s intelligence is and which Highschool programme best fits that.

Now that doesn’t mean a learning difficulty has to be only negative. As I wrote above, it shapes a person’s character. And although I would rather not have had dyslexia it has taught me (indirectly) valuable life lessons. Like handling my frustrations in life and how to clearly communicate with people. I oftentimes hear I would be a good teacher with the way I explain things with patience and repetition - which is the best way for me to learn as well.

I may not have had a childhood I would want to revisit. But I do feel that, for a few years now, I finally started to - bit by bit - feel the unfiltered happiness again I felt as a child. After two decades of believing the opposite, I have come to the realization that I am smart. And now, in the next couple of years - or the rest of my life, if need be - I will do my best to accept my dyslexia.