Volume 11, Issue 11
4.22.1879 A PUBLICATION BY HOLDERNESS STUDENTS THAT NO ONE ACTUALLY READS
Prospective Families Rave about School’s Forced Labor Program
The Lady Margaret of Cunha
Earlier this month, Holderness hosted
a successful Second Visits for admitted students. Families flocked from all over the world to visit the lovely institution and learn more about what makes Holderness such a unique and incredible place. It was clear that parents and students alike were impressed with what they saw. Admitted students were won over by the old reliables: an off-key rendition of Sweet Caroline, a lunch room set-up that – just like the real world – makes them feel awful if they are not an athlete, and a student-led tour where parents can hear about Holderness straight from a student’s mouth! A new addition to this year’s jampacked schedule was some impressive drumming from AB, which showed parents that their child would fit right in with the kids at Holderness, who have absolutely no rhythm. No matter how un-talented their kid might be, after witnessing that performance, those parents rested easy that night. As a dedicated and hardworking Picador writer, I interviewed some prospective parents to find out what as-
WHAT’S INSIDE
pects of Holderness they liked the most. Wendy, mother of an incoming freshman daughter, shared, “I love that Holderness has that communal feel that’s so hard to find at other schools. You know, forced labor is great experience for living in the real word. Nothing builds strong bonds better than suffering together. Some schools let kids have fun and pamper them with luxurious facilities. I like that Holderness doesn’t coddle kids. That thing where kids get electrocuted for cutting the quad? Brilliant. I consider myself an innovative disciplinarian, but even I never thought of that.” Prospective parent Bill Johnson, added, “Yeah, it’s nice to know that if my son ever got arrested in North Korea, he would already have plenty of experience living at a labor camp!” Sean, whose son is a prospective freshman, shared, “I love that Holderness encourages kids to lose sleep so that they can clean classrooms or shovel snow. I think kids these days are really getting too much sleep. One of the major things we are looking for is a school’s ability to limit kids’ sleep and replace it with “voluntary” experiences.” His wife Sherry enthusiastically adds,
Following 12-1 Loss, Student Killed in The Bulls Stampede
The Picador: Volume 11, Issue 11
Sources Confirm Mr. & Ms. Furlonge Married, not Siblings
“Don’t even get us started on payback! What a logical and well-thought-out process. If a kid struggles to make his commitments because he’s exhausted, take away his sleep! That’ll show him! So innovative!” Mother of twin brothers accepted into tenth grade shares, “I think the forced labor program really set Holderness kids apart in the college process. When a college see that a kids goes to Holderness, they know this is a kid who has been physically forced to do something they don’t want to do and then tricked into writing an essay about how much they liked it and how valuable it was as a character builder. Colleges these day are definitely looking for kids with Stockholm Syndrome.” Bouyed by the enthusiasm for the job program, Mr. Peck announced that next year, there will be new middleof-the-night shifts where students will build extra character by performing tasks such as Zamboni-ing the ice rink with a single water bottle and salvaging used exams by erasing the answers. “If we can figure out some way for students to make artificial snow with the vapor from their exhaled breath, our snow sports program will be even stronger.”
Personal Spirit Animal Named Holderness Mascot, Rev. Weymouth Selects Med Dunkin’ Coffee 1
Breaking News: Moving Walkways to be installed between Weld and New Dorms over the Summer
Watch Me Whip, Watch Me Chae Chae ‘17 my place in the world and the meaning of life.” Her story clearly demonstrated the damaging effects of having to walk “ ur voices were heard. Today is a what feels like miles every mealtime. good day to be alive,” cried Pichette Another New Dorm resident wrote, and Woodward residents after the “I would eat dinner in Weld and walk school announced plans to install mov- back to my dorm. But by the time I got ing walkways between Weld and New to the dorm, I was hungry yet again. Dorms for the 2016-17 school year. This has been happening every single As the administration examined the day.” This particular report has raised tragic stories told by the residents of the serious concerns about the harmful imNew Dorms, it became evident that the pact the walk between Weld and New walk from Weld to New Dorms is detri- Dorms can have on students’ eating mental to the students, both physically habits. and mentally. “This somewhat drastic Cases of illnesses and injuries in the measure was taken for the sake of the path between Weld and New Dorms physical and mental health of students,” amount to a staggering 43 this year Head of School Mr. Peck explained, “In alone. Several students pulled their order to prevent further winter injuries muscle, some sprained their ankles, and to accommodate the needs of New and others caught a cold. Students are Dorm residents, we decided to proceed satisfied that the school has been very with the construction over the sum- responsive to their complaints and have mer.” been praising the school’s action as One of the most shocking reports “democratic.” was told by Grace Parker ‘18. She wrote, Not only are students pleased, the “As I was walking from Pichette to Weld unintended side effects of the decision for dinner, tears were streaming down to install moving walkways are projectmy face and soon froze onto my cheeks. ed to be highly beneficial for the school I was miserable. I started questioning
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in the long run. Holderness School has gained great publicity, with CNN’s interview of Mr. Peck scheduled later this month. The escalators are expected to become fantastic tour attractions in the years to follow. Hundreds of prospective students already reserved tours for next year, which led to the sophomores dreading the Blue Key job leadership. Moreover, Dr. Mumford is very pleased that both the construction and the operation of the moving walkways will be eco-friendly. Woodward residents are happy that they will finally be able to ride hoverboards well through the winter. However, Mr. Ford and Mr. Galvin are extremely discontented with the school’s decision, calling it “inconsiderate.” With “distance from Weld” no longer an issue anymore, almost all students requested to live in the New Dorms next year, creating a serious issue for housing. The Administrative Team continues to deny Nick Lacasse’s proposal for moving walkways to and from the day student parking areas.
STUDENT SENT HOME FOR TRYING TOO HARD BAE-J ‘16, Eli Maine ‘16
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o one saw it coming. He seemed like the typical freshman boy with claims of “I don’t give a darn nor am I ever going to.” All of a sudden, sophomore year hit and he realized that he actually was interested in something! People were astonished. “He was so chill,” they said. His significant other broke up with him because he started reading outside of class! Who would have thought? Young Dexter was such a normal person, it was so sad to see him become an intellectual. The progression was gruesome, yet we feel it is necessary to share this tragedy with our community to warn people from the Devil’s most potent temptation: trying. It all started when he failed his test. Every other kid next him threw the first bump over who got a worse grade, while he just sat and thought. He used logic.
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He dared to realize that failing actually wouldn’t get him anywhere in life. He brushed off the cloak of ignorance that had been so forcefully thrown over his shoulders by his fellow failing peers. One thought led to another, and another, and another, until they eventually manifested in action. “Work hard, play hard, try hard,” became his motto. Imagine the sight, every morning Dexter woke up and actually placed his sheets on his bed rather than leaving them on the lovely sand covered floor. He then walked briskly to breakfast, all the while realizing that with each step he would soon be eating the most important meal of the day. He bought a lamp for his desk, and a planner to write down his homework assignments in fear of forgetting them. With a combination of more sleep, a healthier diet, and fewer forgotten homework assignments, Dexter’s grades went up. It was with this “reward” that Dexter’s
transformation began. After receiving a few good grades, Dexter’s brainwashing truly began. Excellent effort after excellent effort, Dexter slowly deteriorated. The horror! When he decided to add an eighth class to his schedule we really started to worry. And, prepare yourself, he got an excellent effort in that class too. It’s one thing when a hardo of this sort excels in class, but once they bring their overachieving disposition onto the field, the judgment really begins. After realizing that “hard work” paid off in academics, Dexter’s disease spread to other areas of his Holderness persona. Dexter went from JV soccer to cross country, from JV basketball to Nordic, and from JV2 lacrosse right on his wheely way to cycling. After months of summer endurance training, and three successful season in a row, Dexter walked away with handfuls of
Try Hard Cont. Pg 3 The Picador: Volume 11, Issue 11
FASHION ICON TAYLOR DOBYNS ASKS, “HAS PROM GONE TOO FAR?”
With prom less than a month away, it
seems to be the main topic of conversation on campus. Dress shopping is well underway. But don’t be fooled, dress shopping for the 2016 prom has long finished. The recent rise in online dress shopping occurring during class is simply girls getting a head start for the 2017 prom. The sooner you pick your dress out, means the sooner you can add it to the Facebook group. Adding a prom dress to the Facebook group is akin to signing a contract. You promise to wear that dress, and no other dress. If a member of the group choses not to abide to these rules they are punished with social alienation by every female student at Holderness School. In fact, breaking this rule can have even greater consequences. If you chose to wear a dress which another girl has already posted, you are breaking a universal code that could likely result in lengthy prison sentences. It is rumored that fac-
ulty are making changes to the handbook, and are willing to give DC’s to any female student found to have broken this rule. As every girl can attest, choosing a prom dress will likely be the most important and challenging decision they’ll ever encounter. The average girl at Holderness spends 1 hour a day online shopping for prom dresses for the 9 months leading up to prom. While many people understand the significance of the prom dress, what many don’t understand are the other aspects which are not to be forgotten as no girl should even consider attending prom without a proper manicure and pedicure, spray tan, jewelry, shoes, hair, makeup, and, of course, a date. This kind of preparation will be all consuming in the days leading up to prom. For this reason a petition is being signed to cancel all commitments for the 2 days leading up to the event to allow girls to
get ready for the most important day of their lives without having to worry about trivial things like school work or sports. Teachers will be driving busses to the tanning salon, nail salon and hair salon on Saturday morning instead of teaching classes. Alas, comes yet another life altering aspect of the prom experiences, your date. While some people with a serious boyfriend or girlfriend might sigh a sigh of relief, do not be fooled. The promposal is in many ways more significant that a wedding proposal. In fact, most girls wouldn’t even consider going to prom with even their most serious significant other without a proposal of epic proportions. Nothing is too far – live sheep, rappelling from rooftops – the bigger, the more elaborate and the more public the better. Some ask has prom gone too far? I say we have still not gone far enough
Try Hard from Pg. 2
most improved. Dexter started gaining weight. Not the good juicy rolly polly weight, but the muscular weight. He balanced his diet and gained an athletic confidence that he had never experienced. There’s nothing worse than seeing someone walk out of the servery on Fried Day with a salad, and he committed this atrocity just about every Thursday. With his newfound athletic and academic confidence, his social confidence followed close behind. The time had come, the climax of his efforts, the key moment of his Holderness career, all that he had worked towards came up to this singular day after spring break: leadership voting. A painful month went by, each day more tense than the one before, until finally the Leadership Chapel arrived. Dexter was elected top four. After he proposed his first initiative Ms. Dopp decided he’d be better off spending his senior year at home, where hopefully friends and family will help him heal.
The Picador: Volume 11, Issue 11
CARTER BOURASSA ‘17, DANIEL “DH” HAUSER ‘17
MO + TM = Happy Future at UNH KW + RW = Seen leaving Chapel together CT + TB = Things will never be the same
DH + HF = Prom? DW + BN = The end of an era RF + SH = Great things to come 3
Chabot Announces Re-Election Campaign
Doug E.D. Luca ‘16
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ith rumors of President Alan James Chabot, Jr. deciding to take a Post Graduate (PG) year at Holderness School spreading rapidly around campus, one question that has been on everyone’s mind is “Will he be our president again?”Yesterday, I was able to catch up with President Chabot. When I asked him about the rumors, he said that he is indeed planning to run for re-election. By doing this, President Chabot is the first-ever Holderness President to run for re-election, and, if he is successful in his campaign, he would be the first-ever HoldernessPresident to serve two terms. When asked about his reasoning for running for re-election he responded, “I believe the school is most successful with me as President and my accomplishments this year should be enough to back up my belief. I feel like there is so much more to accomplish and if I were to step out of office, we may never be in a position to accomplish these things ever again.” While his words are undoubtedly bold and confident, there is also undoubtedly a truth behind them. With President Chabot in office this year we saw an improvement in the quality of apples in Mr. Peck’s office, a boost in the student body’s problem-solving skills based on his riddles in assembly, an increase in the overall happiness of the student body resulting
from his smile that can turn anyone’s frown upside down, and the warmest and most pleasant winter in the school’s history. With these being only a few of his long list of accomplishments, President Chabot’s candidacy should certainly be taken seriously. Following my conversation with President Chabot, I was able to meet with Mr. Ford who is certainly taking President Chabot’s candidacy seriously. When asked what his thoughts were about President Chabot’s decision to run for re-election, Mr. Ford said, “AJ is a man of great stature and will be a contender in the voting this year. I look forward to seeing the results.” Although this is something our school has never experienced before, it is a relief to see how flexible everyone has
been throughout this process and how willing our school has been to make President Chabot’s dream a reality. While the overall reaction of the student body is expected to be mostly positive, I do expect some opposition with members of the junior class who wants their chance at the throne. With President Chabot a favorite in this election, the race is far from over as there are many rising seniors who are capable of giving him a run for his money. Tomorrow, look for an email from Mr. Ford to announce a special election, so the final votes can be cast and the counting can begin. Will history be made or will President Chabot spend his PG year under the iron fist of another leader? We will soon find out.
dience members. They claim to do the impossible and in reality prey on the weakness of children to put on “performances” and make money.
To pull off the malicious scheme of extra sensory perception, mentalists must completely invade the privacy of people at their show. They spend weeks researching the private lives of those in the audience and make “jokes” of private information. Then, once they have just enough information to convince people that they can read minds, the pretend to “predict” the future of people in the audience. These meaningless conjectures leave people waiting or dreading the years that lay ahead. No human should ever have to endure another“mentalist” performance, and thanks to the Department of Homeland Security, they won’t have to.
MENTALISM BECOMES AN ILLEGAL PERFORMING ART
The Notorious M-A-G ‘16
The Department of Homeland Securi-
ty has deemed the act of “mentalism” illegal and unethical. After a strong trend and support for hypnosis performances at colleges and high schools across the US, “mentalism” recently emerged as a new version of these exciting and light hearted performances. Unlike hypnotists, self-proclaimed “mentalists” have been making their way through auditoriums nationwide leaving a trail of terror, fear, and misery. Despite the flashy youtube videos and intriguing claims, mentalists are in fact bending the truth - as opposed to reading people’s minds. Their livelihood relies on causing extreme discomfort for their innocent au-
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“I’d bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding,” Donald Trump said. When pressed he simply replied “Mentalism.” Perhaps the most unsettling aspect of this “art” is its traumatic and lifelong effect on those who are exposed to it.
The Picador: Volume 11, Issue 11
The Picador: Volume 11, Issue 11
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JV Teams Too Large, Competitive Now Require Cuts Babbling Brooke ‘17
Memoir of a Girl on Boys JV Tennis
I sat in the classroom itching for the
clock to strike 3:10 because today would be my first day of tennis. I came to Holderness with little to no athletic experience, and I do not consider myself a particularly talented field-sport athlete. So, tennis sounded like the perfect option. I was psyched to wear cute little tennis skirts and a white visor. I hastily changed and threw on my sneakers to make our 3:30 practice; little did I know it was more of a “tryout.” From the very first day we were told that the 20 girls who had showed up were more than the team could accommodate, and that in the next 3 days we’d have to narrow it down to 12. Being a newbie, I was the first to go, and girls followed each day. I came to this school knowing there was a three-sport requirement but did not realize I would be denied the opportunity to play the sport I wanted to. Cuts make sense at the Varsity level because having the most competitive and well-equipped team is vital. There I sat, cut from JV tennis pondering my options – cycling, softball,
or lacrosse – none of which I had even the slightest interest in. To put it lightly, I was outraged. How on earth was the school going to cultivate athletes without providing them the opportunity to become one? I’d like to suggest that unless able to provide the opportunities for each student to pursue the sport they feel most passionate about, that no student be forced into a sport just to fulfill a requirement. After a bit of planning amongst some very determined girls who consider themselves dedicated tennis players, we formulated a way for us to pursue our calling. The path to Wimbledon will not be easy, but we
hold little regard for these obstacles. Our focus is singular: we want to play tennis. After hearing that the Boys JV tennis team had a less than full team, we were off to bargain with the coach. We would offer our vast knowledge of tennis, if he allowed us time on the courts- somehow he agreed. I’ve heard that we are not the only people suffering from this phenomenon, and that more and more students are being displaced simply due to numbers. This is an issue I wish to address because it’s completely ridiculous and getting worse. Unless there are multiple levels of JV, being cut should happen no more.
Students
on the curtains that had just been taken down, one senior said, “I’m not usually one to be bothered by things like this, but the curtains we had in Weld were uglier than those at my great aunt Bertha’s house. That’s saying something.” He added, “I actually lost my appetite whenever I had to eat dinner facing the curtains.” Although there was discontent among some female students as to why the curtains weren’t purchased from Lilly Pulitzer, the school’s decision to replace the curtains in Weld has been given the thumbs up.
Students Rejoice, Grandmothers Weep: Weld Hall Curtains Replaced Watch Me Whip, Watch Me Chae Chae ‘17
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rejoiced as they watched three maintenance staff members take down the curtains in Weld. “Thank God,” cried one student. “I have never been happier in my life. I’m calling my mom,” shouted another. In an effort to further beautify Weld, and largely in response to students’ dissatisfaction with the “grandmotherliness” of the curtains, the school agreed to replace the Weld curtains earlier this month. When the news was announced at sit-down dinner, students buzzed with excitement. When asked to express his opinion
The Picador: Volume 11, Issue 11
NEW DRESS CODE ANNOUNCED WEYMOUTH, PECK STUN COMMUNITY
Lady Margaret of Cunha
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ccording to new guidelines announced today, the 2016-2017 school year will start with a new dress code. Mr. Peck and Ms. Weymouth announced that all students will be required to wear a HolderFlak, a waterproof, flame-resistant jumpsuit that resists dirt and increases visibility on campus. In a uniquely Holderness touch, the jumpsuits include an attached pair of LL Bean duck boots and an optional Vineyard Vines tie attachment for the guys. Students will step in, zip up and be ready to go, whether it’s off to class, off to their job, or to sports. The suits will be so comfortable; there will be no need to change into Lulus or groutfits for study hall or weekends. “Kids were complaining that it took them too long to decide what to wear in the morning. Then, it could be a real hassle to change for sports and then get back into dress code for dinner. This new uniform is a one-size-fits-all solution that will make sure everyone looks sharp, and it will streamline the process
of getting ready, so that no matter what the day holds, all students will be ready for anything,” says Phil Peck Initial reaction has been mixed. “I
like to express myself by what I wear. I mean, yeah, I guess I wear leggings, duck boots and a Patagonia every single day, but I like to know that if I wanted to, I could wear an outfit that shows a little originality,” explained one student. Faculty members are excited about the integrated GPS tracking device that gives administrators the ability to pin-
point a student’s location at any time. Says Ms. Weymouth, “this means kids can’t claim to be at a leadership meeting when they are really hanging out at the Irving.” Mr. Petit adds, “Now we have a real-world application for our GIS projects. I’ve already planned a unit called, Lets See Where the Seniors Go During Study Hall. The possibilities are endless!” Not everyone is disappointed about the new development. “I guess, on the positive side, I can eat whatever I want now because no one can tell what I look like underneath the HolderFlak. It will make the campus a more accepting place, and without clothes to buy, everyone will have a lot more money for ice cream and take out,” remarked a student from behind a tower of delivery boxes. The HolderFlak will also solve the whole issue of Tabor students dressing like hicks during rivalry week. So take that, Tabor. You bought that flannel for nothing.
WHAT GREASES NICK’S GEARS: REDEFINING LEADERSHIP & INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENT
I go to bed every night and wake up ev-
ery morning and the first and last thing I see everyday are the core values. Community, character, and curiosity plastered to the slanted ceiling above my pillow. In fact I, myself, have a working document that holds me accountable for who I am as a person modeled after Holderness’ strategic plan. I get into dress code every morning happily humming the tune 1960s song Monday Monday by The Mamas & The Papas. It gets me in the right kind of mood for redefining leadership and intellectual development. My family has made a practical repli-
ca of the Holderness community in our house. We have Job and Leadership programs, a semi-annual literary magazine called The Arrangement, monthly newspaper The Matador, as well as an Advancement Office. The Job and Leadership program exclusively concerns our two cats, Sugar and Cocoa. For example, I am in charge of painting the cat's nails pink twice a week at 6:30 am. It needs to be unexplainably in the morning and egregiously early as we modeled after Holderness’ impossibly perfect job program. Our semi-annual literary magazine includes work of art such as Lisa’s
The Picador: Volume 11, Issue 11
shopping list and some crayon-written essays on why piggy is the alpha male. The Advancement Office tries to find either people who will take the cats off our hands or no-kill shelters (for now) in the region. We also have a Day of Donation, where Lacasse household community members donate money to support various causes. Some fund choices are: cat food, cat toys, cat litter, new water bowls for the cats, nail polish, cat clothes, family car, and cat hair products. Last year’s Day of Donation was extremely successful, raising almost $19, almost enough to buy a container of cat food.
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IN THE COMMUNITY KILOMETERS FOR KANYE
SCHOOL HOLDS RELAY TO HELP SETTLE RAPPER’S DEBT MEET ON TURF AT 6:30, SAYS MS. WEYMOUTH’S 19TH EMAIL
Excuse Making, Responsibility Dodging Added to School Leadership Ballot ROBOTICS TEAM FINDS TEAR IN FABRIC OF SPACE-TIME
AFTER 12 MONTHS OF PLANNING, BOARD APPROVES PLAN TO BEGIN PLANNING FOR STRATEGIC PLAN DINING STAFF SILENTY ENDORSES SANDERS CHILES ADDED TO ALL DISHES, STUDENTS FEEL THE BERN
MR. PECK RECOVERS FROM MINOR BURNS FOLLOWING RESCUE OF CHARRED BROWNIE PROJECT OUTREACH PROMISES TO MAKE PHILADELPHIA GREAT AGAIN PURPOSE STATEMENT The Picador is a publication that serves to misinform the Proctor Academy community and hinder creativity, featuring the hushed voices of the New Hampton student body.
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Editors John Steinbeck Edric Weld Mark Zuckerburg Morgan Freeman’s Voice Carter Bourassa
Visual Editor Bob Ross Faculty Advisor Wolf Blitzer
Holderness School Chapel Lane PO Box 1879 Plymouth, NH 03264 603-779-5200 picador@holderness.org
The Picador: Volume 11, Issue 11