wise words: Ken Page on Making Love Last

Ken Page onMaking Love Last

by Emily Courtney

Ken Page is a licensed clinical social worker,psychotherapist and author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. A relationship, intimacy and dating expert, he has led hundreds of workshops on intimacy and spirituality and taught at Columbia University, the Omega Institute and the Garrison Institute. Page also hosts the Deeper Dating Podcast (DeeperDating- Podcast.com).

What are Core Gifts, and what role do they play in the search for lasting love?

In my decades of work as a psychotherapist and coach, I’ve come to realize again and again that the qualities people feel most embarrassed or awkward about— their deepest insecurities—are some of their greatest gifts.

These Core Gifts are like secret parts of ourselves that we often want to hide because we feel so vulnerable around them. But these gifts are where we have the greatest sensitivity and passion; they’re the things we feel and care the most deeply about and the keys to finding someone who really loves us for who we are. When we learn to lead with and cherish our Core Gifts instead of hiding them away, the story of our romantic life completely changes.

But the opposite is true, too. Suppressing our gifts is actually an act of quiet violence against our most authentic self, and it always leads us into situations where we end up feeling diminished or hurt. The degree to which we feel ashamed of those vulnerable parts of

ourselves is the degree to which we’re going to be attracted to people who are bad for us.

How can we move past our insecurities to discover and honor our Core Gifts?

The Wave of Distancing is the single greatest saboteur of healthy love that I know of. If you haven’t yet learned to honor your Core Gifts, you’ll want to flee when you meet Attractions of Inspiration who are available and kind. You may begin noticing qualities about them that irritate you and find yourself wanting to leave—this is what I call the Wave.

The Wave is fear, because something deep inside you knows that this person could be special, and to open yourself up to and possibly be hurt by a kind person is a very scary thing. So your psyche unconsciously protects you by making you want to flee, and if you don’t understand this, then you may leave what could be a wonderful relationship.

If you do understand it, you’ll come to realize that like a wave, it hits hard, but then passes. If you can stick around long enough and just keep enjoying that person throughout the Wave, those feelings will disappear and the attraction will return.

Emily Courtney is a freelance health and wellness writer and editor living in northern Colorado. Connect at EmilyCourtneyWrites@gmail.com

Empowering Individuals, Couples and Families in the Houston Area

D. Skeetz Edinger, MS, LMFTA Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist-Associate skeetzedingerfamilytherapy.com 281-546-9698

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