BAD PARENTING Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook. It’s all on-the-job training. But the same is true for kids trying to grow into adults. No guidelines, just lots of unwritten rules that restrict who our children think they want to be. Ultimately, both parties want the same outcome: the kids’ independence. Parents just tend to want to attach a couple of modifiers to that: responsible, successful independence. There are subplots in every family drama, hurdles that must be overcome before our goals are met. Some of those hurdles we set up for ourselves. Often our good intentions, hopes and desires sabotage our parenting program. Sometimes we’d rather be the good parent than engage in good parenting. And sometimes our kids are right. We just don’t understand what they’re going through. If you want to change someone else’s behavior, the best place to start is by changing yours.
WHAT KIDS WISH PARENTS UNDERSTAND 1. Respect me. I’m my own person, not just your kid. Sometimes I might have opinions that differ from yours. Sometimes I just want to be your baby. Respect me either way. 2. I need to make some of my own choices, and maybe some of my own mistakes. 3. Please wait for me to ask for your help. If I don’t ask for it, I might want to work it out for myself. 4. Sometimes I’m going to be moody and annoyed and frustrated. You need to just let that happen (though you shouldn’t let me be rude to you; that’s weird and embarrassing). It might just be a mood or something might be going on that I’m not ready to talk about yet. If you hang around doing stuff near me and don’t interrupt or try to solve it as soon as I start, I might feel comfortable talking with you about things. 5. Trust that I’ll do my work. If I don’t, you can help me manage my time, but wait until I’m not taking care of responsibilities to think I can’t. Don’t just assume I can’t handle responsibility because of my age. Believe in me. 6. I need to have private jokes with my friends and not explain them to you. It’s how we bond. You don’t need to be involved in every aspect of my life to still be loved and needed by me. 7. You may know what it’s like to be a young adult — but your child knows what it’s like to be a young adult today. Rather than making assumptions. 8. Don’t confuse me. Am I a treasure or a burden? Sometimes you say you love me, and sometimes you say I drive you crazy. Then I wonder if you are happy I was born . . . 9. Don’t call names. When you do, I believe you! If you call me a brat, rude, dumb, stupid . . . I might grow up to fit exactly that description. 10. When you yell at me or hit me, I feel scared. My only thought is “I want this to stop.” I can’t learn anything, I’m so frightened. 11. Back when you hit me when I was a kid,, I remember every detail, every pain, everything. But I pretended not too because I love you. 12. Don’t be surprise when you have a relationship gap with your kid. Look what you did to them in the past.
MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE THAT PUSH CHILDREN AWAY Our children will always be our children, but once they turn 18 or leave home, they also are adults with lives increasingly separate from our own. It’s a challenge for parents to step back while also staying connected to their grown-up kids. Much of the angst between parents and adult children stems from the tug-of-war over whose life it is. There often is a disconnect between parents who still want to shape their grown-up kids’ future course and the kids who are determined to live their lives their own way. For loving parents, their grown children’s trials and errors, including failed projects and teary breakups, can be anguishing. It can be wrenching to let go of the old parental omnipotence and not be able to fix everything. But when grown kids cope with these ups and downs, they develop into resilient, self-sufficient people with the confidence that comes from standing on their own feet.
• Don’t push your kids to take a job in a field that pays well but that they don’t like. • Don’t ask probing questions about your children’s lives. If they want to share something personal, they will. •Don’t overdo it. Today’s technology makes it cheap and easy to stay in contact with loved ones, and many adult children and their parents are in contact with one another nearly every day. However, for some grown kids, that’s a bit too much togetherness at a time when they are striving to become self-sufficient. In general, it’s best to follow your adult children’s lead on communications. If they contact you weekly via text message, then contact them weekly via text message, too. Text messaging might not be your preferred communication method, but it’s a great way to touch base with today’s young adults without seeming pushy. You can always slip in a phone call now and then. • It’s worth putting the relationship at risk when safety is at stake. •Money-related problem. Some moms wants their childrens money in a shared bank or account. “We’re a family, this is our money.” NOPE this is not right. Let them be independent. Let them have their own. • When kids saved their money, and you think their keeping their money away from you, you are wrong and don’t get insulted. You will never know what they are saving their money for. It may be something great.
YOUNG ADULTS 1. STOP GIVING THEM CURFEWS. (Young adults age 23++ does not need a curfew.) A strict mother does not like it when her kid comes home late night. So she decided to give her a curfew everyday even on weekends (Guess what, weekends are the best time for them to socialize and have fun). She was 23 years old and told her friends that she can’t wait to find a boyfriend and get married so she can leave the house and live her life. I’m not saying giving curfew is bad. But, when your kid is 23 up, Let them go. Give them the freedom they desire. The more you trust them the better kid they will be. If you keeep on giving your kids curfew and limiting when they can go out and meet their friends, it’s not a surprise if your kids does not have a partner til they’re 30, because a curfew limits social freedom. 2. STOP SCOLDING THEM. When you keep on scolding your kids “young adults”, they will feel uncomfortable with you and will push them away from you. 3. STOP COMPARING THEM TO OTHERS 4. GIVE THEM FREEDOM Trust your kids and they will be fine. Don’t make them happy leaving the house when theyr’e married. Their thoughts on how free they will be when they are not with you. Don’t regret it later. 5. BE PATIENT Be patient with them. Don’t be so rude and scold them for small problems. They’re adults now, don’t build a hate relationship.
HOW TO BE A GOOD PARENT 1. Avoiding and Neglecting Your Child: Neglecting your child physically or emotionally can affect him or her in a negative manner. Child neglect is a very common type of child abuse. Child abuse is more than physical abuse. Ignoring the needs of children, putting them in unsupervised or in dangerous situations or making the child feel worthless can lead to low self-esteem and isolation. Many times this can affect the mental health or social development of the child and may even leave lifelong psychological scars. A child needs to feel loved and cherished. 2. Physical and Verbal Abuse:Exposing the child to physical violence or verbal abuse can be very damaging to a child’s psychology. Most children are victims of verbal abuse from their parents. Many parents vent their frustrations at their children without realizing what sort of psychological damage they are inflicting on them. Such acts can also lead to the child losing confidence and developing an inferiority complex. Punishment is required when a child does something wrong, but when they are extensively punished for even small matters it may lead to them being rebellious. A child requires physical contact with the parent like hugs, kisses and other signs of affection. If you yell at your child, call him or her names or say that he or she is no good, you are sending the wrong message. 3. Encouraging Bad Behavior in Children and not Disciplining: There are many parents who do nothing to discourage bad behavior or manners in their kids and keep a blind eye to their behavior. As the saying goes, what you sow is what you reap. If you are someone who shouts or uses bad words in front of children then it is only natural that they will take after you. That may be the reason why children of drunkards or smokers may start drinking or smoking at a very small age. The parents are also in no position to stop them as they themselves have the same bad habits. Fighting or indulging in physical or verbal abuse in front of the child also is not a sign of a good parent. It is very important for a parent to be a good example for the child to follow. 4. Favoritism or Partiality: Favoritism or partiality can be very damaging to a child. In many households boys get preferential treatment, making the girl child feel useless or neglected. Be it with education, food or essential requirements, girls are often known to suffer, beginning in their own homes. Many parents even have the habit of complaining to others about their own children. Many grumble or complain about anything or everything in front of others rather than dealing with the problem. Parents who are overly critical and compare their children to other children are also causing them damage. 5. Forcing Choices Onto Their Children: It is very true that a parent knows what is best for his
or her child. But often parents force their choices onto their children without considering their interests, intelligence level or capacity. Many parents are very demanding and look to achieve their own unfulfilled dreams and ambitions through their children. But when the child can not live up to the expectations of the parent it can be very de-motivating and disappointing. A child requires encouragement and motivation from parents and demoralizing and de-motivating them can affect them adversely. 6. Not Being Wise With Money: Many parents are not very wise with money as far as children are concerned. While some cater to every whim and fancy of the child, others are excessively stingy which may result in the child developing the habit of stealing to fulfill their needs. At the same time, those children whose every need is fulfilled may fail to realize the real value of money and may indulge in bad habits. So maintaining a balance is very important. 7. Too Much Pampering or Interfering: Like negligence, too much pampering or worrying about children also can spoil the child by making them too demanding. Many parents protect their children and interfere in their activities in such a manner that when they grow up they become overly dependent on others or grow up as cowards. 8. Not Trusting the Child: Many parents believe others more than they their own children. Many times they do not even allow the child to give an explanation. Many parents have no faith in their children and de-motivate them with their words or actions. This sort of behavior can cause a child to be a rebel or do things which they are not supposed to do.
How to be a good role model for your child? Given below are Qualities a Parent should have in order to be a positive role model. Teach Positive Values: If you want your child to have positive values, you should have them as well. Children are known to imitate and follow their parents. So it would not be a good sign if you tell your son/daughter to be honest and get caught by the child while you were lying. By doing that you would be conveying the message that it is okay to say lies when it is beneficial. Similarly, there are many parents who use bad language and swear words but instruct their children not to use them. You will have no explanation why you can use it while he/she can’t. So it is important that you practice what you preach. It is important that you banish your negative image if you want your children to show positive qualities. Teach your kids positive attitude and values like honesty, respect, generosity, kindness, good manners and forgiveness by being an example
for them to follow. Encourage good behavior by praising and rewarding them. Respect Children as Human Beings: If you expect your child to respect you and treat you well, then you should also respect others, including the child. Your children would treat you the way you treat your parents or others. If you are disrespectable to your Parents, your children also may not treat you well. When you throw your aged Parents out of the house or treat them like garbage, remember that one day your children may also treat you similarly. If you show toxic behavior, your children may also develop them. For instance, if you are an abusive husband who beats his wife, you would be teaching your son that it is okay to be abusive towards his future wife. So watch out how you treat your friends, spouse, parents, neighbors, colleagues, servants and other people in your life. Let the child know that they are loved and cared for. Let them know that they are secure with you. Establish an Open Communication: As a Parent, Spend quality time with children every day. Listen to the children and understand their feelings when they talk. Let your children know that they can be honest with you. Show happiness on their accomplishments, discipline them, encourage them when they need motivation, comfort them when they are hurt and teach them responsibility. Just like positive behaviors, children also pick up negative traits. So if you make a mistake, take the responsibility on yourself instead of getting into the blame game. Accept your mistakes and apologize. When the child makes a mistake, patiently make him/her understand the mistake. Instead of yelling and physical punishment accept a sincere apology from them. Let the child know that it is okay to make mistakes but it is important to be honest and make amends. Teach them Healthy Habits: Just like good manners and etiquette, healthy habits also should be taught to children. Be their role model for healthy living. Implement healthy eating habits and exercises to keep them healthy and fit. Encourage them to participate in sports and games. Allow them to play with the children of their age. Teach them about hygiene and cleanliness. Let them know about the effects of drugs, smoking and alcohol abuse. Be a mentor to the child. Show love for learning new things. By doing it, you will be able to instill an appreciation for learning and education in the mind of the child. Also be involved in your child’s life by taking interest on sports, hobbies or anything else they are interested in.