How Are You

by annie gebel

How Are You?

It’s a greeting as much as hello is now-a-days.

“Hey! How are you?” “What’s up? How you doin’?” “It’s been so long, how are you?!”

Do you struggle with how to answer this as much as I do? I’ve totally answered with the generic ‘fine’ or ‘okay,’ but they feel like lies and I don’t love that. I’m rarely just fine or okay. I’m great or relaxed or content or frustrated or hungry or tired. But, fine? Meh.

I’ve also not answered with my answer. “We don’t have time to get into it” or “That’s a complicated question” or “Too personal, just give me my coffee, please.” I like being authentic, which takes people by surprise, but sometimes I just need my cashier to take my money and leave it at that. No hard feelings. I know they have a job to do. I’m just keeping it polite and real.

On occasion, though, I want to just lay it out! Especially when I’m overwhelmed and don’t want to think about how I’m doing, I just want to let the asker know exactly how I am. I’m devastated, exhausted, and ignoring things like my children (who thankfully are capable of taking care of themselves) because the emergent needs of my husband (who is in the hospital as I write this) are taking up all my energy. I know you don’t know what else to say and/or you’re really wondering how I’m doing but I’m trying really hard to hold it together right now and being honest about how impossibly hard this feels doesn’t sound like something I want to do. (And why would they even ask that at the hospital check in desk? I’m coming to a hospital to visit someone, how should I be?)

I’m confused by the tangle of feelings that seem to get tighter as I try to unravel them. I’m grieving, again, a man who has filled up so much of my life in real and wonderful ways…and is still here but changed. I’m relieved that he’s still here but already, just days after his latest and most serious stroke, resentful of couples who aren’t where I am. I’m scared. I’m oddly and thankfully confident that I’ll be okay, but worried about him. I’m incredibly grateful for the network of friends and family who are asking how I am at the same time I’m so annoyed that they’re asking how I am. I’m angry and sad and drained. But I still have to drive home at the end of the day, so I really don’t want to deal with any of these feelings right now. You asked, though, so there you go! So…yeah. How are you?

…and exhale…

Here’s the great news, no one has asked me in a Joey Tribbiani voice and there is no wrong answer to this important question. There is absolutely room for all of these feelings and more. There is absolutely nothing wrong with lying and saying I’m fine. There is absolutely nothing incorrect about laying it all down in an emotional waterfall of stress and angst and tears. It’s all good. It’s all necessary. It’s all how I am.

So, what’s my point? Why even write about this? Well, as much as I sometimes dislike this question, I do think it’s a good one. I think we keep asking people how they are as a greeting, to give them the opportunity to think about how they actually are, to encourage mental health. As much as it annoys me sometimes, as much as I don’t always know how to answer, it’s really a good question.

We’re so much better at checking in on others, finding out how everyone from people that we just met to our dearest friends are. Maybe we can use this social cue to actually examine how we are. If it’s the cashier that asks, maybe you go with a more subtle verbal answer, but then take an honest look at how you really are. If it’s someone who cares about you, explore how you’re doing with them. Let them hold you (physically or emotionally) as you check out your joys and sorrows. Let the tears flow or the laughter roll. It’s so much more healthy to check in, especially when we’re dealing with complicated responses, then to let them simmer, ignore them, or find out in the future that they got stuck and covered up in your system.

That’s why I do yoga. It’s why I ask myself every morning what I need that day? It’s why I sometimes just tune into the last fifteen minutes of Braveheart so I can cry and release some sort of tension that needs an escape. It’s also why I write. It’s part of why I’m writing this - for myself and for YOU. I know I usually write fairly deep, but mostly positive articles and this one might seem a little out of sorts. Truth is, though, that this fits right in when we acknowledge that ‘negative’ emotions are simply emotions too. Denying any part of our emotional bandwidth is actually what can be negative for us, not the emotions themselves.

Trust me when I tell you that I know feeling any version of pain is uncomfortable at best, but feeling it nonetheless helps you process it, learn from it, and grow through it. I also find that after getting it out of me, I feel better. Like right now. After sharing the stress of answering this question again and again lately, on top of all the stress that makes the question hard to answer…I feel better. Go ahead and ask me how I am, if you don’t believe me.