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WHAT’S HAPPENING THIS WEEK, & BEYOND! The Wh at’s On section. If you don’t k now what’s on then you haven’t been re ading this sec tion.
8pm The man himself, STEVIE WONDER takes over the Star for one night. Tickets start from $500. Yep. The Honi kids will be parked outside listening through the cracks in the walls. Join us. If you feel like something just as great but not quite as pricey, head to FULL BODY CONTACT NO LOVE JUNIOR TENNIS at Hermann’s Bar. Always a great night of comedy featuring some of USyd’s best improv talent. $5/10. 8pm
THU
27th
DAD JOKE OF THE WEE K: What does a cheese say when it looks in the mirror? HALOOUUUMI!
WED
26th
The Hoodoo Emporium, time-travelers and cocktail hosts supreme, welcome you to THE JITTERBUG CLUB... EXOTICA, a night of music, dance and fantasy set on board a cruise ship circa 1959. Dress: 60s cocktail. Just up the road at the good old Vanguard! From $25. 8pm
9pm Calling all artistic types! SKETCH CLUB is on at the Paper Mill Gallery at the Rocks. Started by former USyder Simon Greiner, Sketch Club is a chance for anyone to grab a pen and pencil and have an evening of drawing and artistic discourse. Doesn’t matter if you’re Picasso or have the skillz of a grade four student. Relaxed, fun and FREE!
NOVEMBER
*DR CHARLES PERKINS AO MEMORIAL ORATION WITH MURRANDOO YANNER * THE WOOLLAHRA FESTIVAL OF ARTS AND IDEAS * SALT-N-PEPA * EDDIE IZZARD STRIPPED 2011 * MIND BODY SPIRIT FESTIVAL * NEWTOWN FESTIVAL * GLEBE ST FAIR * THE AUSTRALIAN BALLET PRESENTS THE MERRY WIDOW * PEACE PRIZE LECTURE BY NOAM CHOMSKY * SILENT FILM FESTIVAL * WHITE RIBBON DAY * YOGA AID AUSTRALIAN CHALLENGE * ROCKS MARKETS BY MOONLIGHT * BRAZIL FILM FESTIVAL * SPICKS AND SPECK - TACULAR * THAI FOOD FESTIVAL * SUNSHINE *
SUMMER H O N EY SUAV E night game of You’re like a mid that I want to in ... hacky-sack night. keep you up all
LD n I CH uti n E V P ia O L ir sh E im da H T ad ar Vl m K i A happy accident with a punnet of raspberries and an iPhone K
Late 2011 is a time to reflect on your achievements, your failures and, of course, your many, many failures. While the sun may be out outside, you have yet to shake the cloying grey clouds from ‘round your forelocks. Maybe some thinking will help you beat it? Get out in the sun. Get out there and take a risk— and have a cocktail.
2012
lead to the greatest invention of our time — the Raspberry iPhone. You patent that baby. Seems like the business degree is doing its thang! The immediate global fame and wealth go to your head. You live a life of extravagance, feeding on one night stands, endless red carpet apperances and shallow praise. Your friends worry about you, but yo’ cash doesn’t.
You wake up, bleary eyed and disillusioned. Friday night drinks with the team from Accounts are beginning to take their toll. Is this all there is? You’ve become just another suit clad, iPhone 95 toting yuppie. You miss the glory days of the Raspberry iPhone. Oh how the mighty fall. You decide to make a change once and for all. You tell your boss exactly what you think of her, and walk on out. Besides, that Sven guy said he had the perfect opportunity to work overseas anyhow ....
ONE DAY
5 YEARS FROM NOW
You lock eyes across a crowded room on a mission in Mombasa. That’s it, you know it. Love at first sight. But they’re the enemy! Can your love overcome this obstacle? You both leave your days of international espionage behind. Sven gives his blessing. A whirlwind romance, then you get spectacularly drunk at your wedding. But will it stick? Keep it interesting people. Don’t be afraid of change. Adapt and you’ll go far! Just don’t abandon the things that matter! Like that Raspberry iPhone.
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A word from
ChikSoc We’ve got a pretty large surplus of cashola after a successful year. If you missed our inter-society “SHAKE YO’ TAIL FEATHER” night with Beat the System, you’ll know not to miss it next semester. Thanks to those of you who did come because now we’re rolling in it, and there’s only one solution: three week splurge. Step 1) Design a pretty ad (hey, we’re no designers) and beg the Honi editors to let us have a space for said advertisement.
O Honi chats to the VC, who ... sort of chats back? Hope he’s OK.
7 All the Chad.
Step 2) Provide free fried BBQ chicken to every ACCESS member during the exam period (reduced price chicken to those without ACCESS) Step 3) Forget your exam worries and let the good times roll. We’re based out of Hermann’s and Manning between 12-2 each Thursday of your exam period. Look out for the ChikSoc banner and the ChikSoc exec, ask for society president Seamus Pugg for delicious vouchers.
8 A HUGE, NEWSEATING MONSTER! (grab the news before he does)
CONTENTS
06 07
EDITORIAL
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PROFILE
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We reluctantly abdicate our thrones, and poison the palace swans as we leave.
ANDY FRASER interviews the ever-elusive Vice Chancellor, Michael Spence.
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CAMPUS
09
NEWS
10
FARRAGO™
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MAP!
“60 Big Ones” from our man of the match, CHAD SIDLER NICK SIMONE tells us about a bunch of inspiring USyders who are raising money for Leukemia research.
2011 with Richard Kings—er—LUKE MARTIN. TIM SCRIVEN has been occupying Martin Place, and he tells us the reasons why.
FELIX SUPERNOVA and THE HONI EDITORS make one last package chop each. SHANNON CONNELLAN and LAURENCE ROSIER STAINES, arbiters of cool, introduce us to their pals.
Everything you ever wanted to know about campus history (but were afraid to ask).
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HONI SOIT WEEK 13 ISSUE 25 26TH OCTOBER 2011
HONI RECOMMENDS
We found all the cool shit! STOP LOOKING!
Not of this earth Someone please help. Oh no, it’s happening again ... aaahhhhhhh!!!!!! Seriously, we never did anything to you - please, there must be someone out there who can help! What is this? Where are we going? Barfy? Is that you? Noooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want my mum! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help aahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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We’ve got a truckload of bones to pick. Strap yourself in.
10 Maybe one day you’l feature on this map. Don’t just draw yourself in.
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Honi recommends: EVERYTHING!
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THE LAST SELF INDULGENT EDITORIAL...for the year
“We force ourselves upon your notice, flushed with the fervour of the true reformer. To strip the veneer, to open the cupboard on our skeletons and those of other people, to tell the truth without fear or favour, and to assist our readers in their search for the Touchstone of philosophy --- happiness --these are our aims.”
viewpoint about something relevant to you. Sure you can get that from your friends, but it’s more authoritative when it’s in print (and you can point to it in conversation while saying “No, you’re wrong. See, it says so, here in this paper.”) But it’s more likely that you care about the paper itself, and the editorial provides some kind of insight into the people behind it this year; something concrete and - First Honi Soit editorial, 1929 definitive about the flavour of Honi Soit.
recent history. Where else could you read about all these things in one place?
As most of the editorial team graduated and moved onto other (less Union-subsidised) pastures, our focus shifted slightly from editing a student paper to editing a newspaper that would interest students. Honi Soit is something that you cannot quite get anywhere else: politics and art, criticism and praise, calling people out on their bullshit and giving space to important and And what was that flavour? trivial things that wouldn’t be Force yourselves … with We’ll leave that for others to published in another paper. fervour? Relax, editors. Buy a judge, but here are some things There’s no other publication girl a drink first. that happened. We printed a that has its editors, contributors, duck comic on the cover of the audience and subjects all in Editorials! Who reads them? Election Edition and one of our such close proximity (except Who needs them? What are reporters interviewed Noam The Economist maybe). There’s a they even for? We sometimes Chomsky. We took up a third of balance to strike—don’t assume use them to introduce each issue our arts section with a picture your audience is stupid or be of Honi Soit. But more widely of Daniel Day-Lewis driving a too elitist. We’re all at university they are for laying bare the spaceship and we nabbed one of so we know what a sentence is, editors’ opinions on something the last interviews with Kristina we’ve all watched The Simpsons, important; they are meant to Keneally before she lost her we all casually read the news. soak up our bias, so the rest of position as Premier. We made Honi Soit is an intersection of all the paper is void of it. If they’re it mandatory for each editor to of these things, and one of the good editors and their position is submit a hand-drawn bird for best and most accessible forums well justified, you listen to them. a designated Bird Page and we that you may ever engage with. We, however, are students. We collected all the information were elected in a glorious and In the end, however, it’s simply on Kim Walker which lead a colourful popularity contest a university publication, and one charge against the soon-to-belast year, which had nothing that we hope you’ve read eagerly former Dean of the Con. As remotely to do with journalism. well as pursuing the goings-on for any number of reasons. As This is not a major metropolitan around campus and bringing for us? We got into this game for newspaper but a weekly student the machinations of the USU sweet, sweet editor pussy. Now paper. So why the fuck would that we’ve got it, we’re outta and the University further out you listen to us? into the open, we’ve advocated here. BOOM OUT BITCHES. geo-engineering perhaps more Perhaps you’re after some than any other publication in kind of genuinely subjective
Jacqueline Breen, Neada Bulseco, James Colley, Bridie Connell, Shannon Connellan, Andy Fraser, Julian Larnach, Michael Richardson, Laurence Rosier Staines and Tom Walker
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2012 REPORTER CALLOUT In 2012, we don’t want to make an okay Honi – we want it to be fucking excellent. Help us make next year’s Honi the paper we all know it can be. Honi Soit can only be as good as its writers, so if you want to write or if you have any ideas you want to see in your paper next year, we want to hear from you. Shoot an email to honisoit2012@gmail. com, and tell us a little about yourself: • Your name, email address, phone number, degree, year, hobbies, favourite colour, top first-date destination… • How you want to contribute next year (photographer, reviewer, opinion writer, comedy genius, etc) • A page of your ideas of what you want to see in the paper next year, as well as one outlining any experience you think is relevant (be reasonable, your role as Year 6 Prefect may be important to your mum, but it’s probably past its use by date...unless you’re going to be writing exposes on primary school politics then yes, very relevant)
• Two samples of your work: opinion pieces, reviews, features, profiles, photographs, comics! Check out our Facebook group to keep up-to-date, get your ideas together, and send us those emails
Throughout the year, each editor posed for Cyrus Bezyan in his studio/gallery in Paddington. For more of his intricate portraiture, sweeping landscapes and constipated musings visit: http://www.animalog.tumblr.com
D A E D E C N E P S L E A H MIC we r i n not ans t u o b a ser ious
io g quest
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F by Andy
Michael Spence is the Vice-Chancellor of this university. He’s a very important man; on this campus, he is second to no-one. You might ask: “Why would the Vice-Chancellor have all the power?” The key word here is ‘vice’, and the definition of ‘vice’ being the deputy or substitute of something. Well, fucked if we know. That’s the way of things across almost all tertiary institutions. Don’t feel too bad: the bureaucracy of this university is intricate and confusing, and it’s often difficult to discern exactly who does what. We at Honi Soit, for example, make all the rainbows. Spence tells us that there is no typical day as Vice-Chancellor. “The job involves everything from academic policy and planning, to management of the University’s finances and fund-raising,” he explains. “It has in it something of being a school principal, a CEO, and a town mayor, and is not quite like any of these!” Oh ... As he delves little further into his role as a supporter for all staff and students, the obscurity of his title is not resolved. Spence seems to embrace the enigma associated with him. There’s no doubt that this is a busy man. Speaking to Honi long distance, he explains why he’s currently answering from China. “The University has strong links with China … [we] are ranked 5th in the world for research collaborations with Chinese universities in Science and technology measured by output.” At the event held for Chinese graduates, he’s giving his graduation address in Chinese. “I have been learning [Chinese] for five years.” Spence is nothing if not ambitious. A leader in his field of intellectual property law, he moved into his Vice-Chancellorship after his stint at Oxford University as head of the Social Sciences division. Spence is also an ordained Anglican priest. In a Sydney Morning Herald article titled ‘Ecclesiastical touch in the secular stone’, he comments on his promotion: “There’s no great scandal I’m afraid. I’m the most boring man.” Addressing St Mary’s Anglican Church Waverley for the Sydney Festival, he speaks of the article (which questions the suitability of a distinctly religious Vice-Chancellor). He dismisses the issue—amid faint irritation—with an assertion of his ability to ‘compartmentalise’; he’s proud of knowing “when to be a Vice-Chancellor and when to be a priest.” Spence began to loom conspicuously over student life with his intrusion into the wheeling and dealings of the University of Sydney Union. It all started with his presentation of the 2010 Green Paper, which illustrated the University’s plans for the coming years. A specific chapter of this paper explained the Uni’s intention to assume control of the commercial services on campus; the services owned and controlled by the USU. Transferring control of all cafés, bars and events already in the hands of the students is a large exercise, and it’s an exercise that’s pissing off a lot of students. Negotiations between the USU and University started out okay, but have since hit a stalemate. The USU has made an effort to increase transparency to gain student support, and they’ve launched an open campaign in opposition to Spence’s proposed transition. The ‘Are You With Us’ campaign seeks to harness the Union’s biggest asset: its student membership.
The rumour suggests that this event ignited a fire within Spence that redirected his undeniable ambition and still burns within him. Whether this is true is anyone’s guess.
This year we learnt that the University had already started constructing the department that was designed to take over the campus’ commercial services. Ed Smith, the man responsible for a similar, successful transition over at UNSW, was hired to do the same here. Most remarkably, Smith ended his assessment of the situation with a negative evaluation. That is, he is reported to have advised against a transition and has subsequently been dismissed by the University. When questioned on the specific result of the report and current status, Spence sidesteps the question. “The University has had an independent consultant review the existing provision of commercial services for staff, students and visitors of the University on the Camperdown and Darlington Campuses, and make recommendations for alternative provision. That review is currently under discussion as a part of the ongoing negotiations with the University of Sydney Union. It would be inappropriate for me to comment on those negotiations while they are in progress.” The dialogue ended abruptly and Honi was left with unanswered questions, even questions not related to the immediate status of the negotiations:
PROFILE
It’s been a long time coming, but it has happened. We’ve been trying for months and now we’ve finally had a breakthrough. Michael Spence finally agreed to an interview and it was spell-bindingly devastating. Learn Dr Spence’s story (maybe). Follow us as we traverse the cavernous catacombs of his career (kinda). And finally, appreciate one man’s ability to answer nothing!
One of the arguments/reasons the University has put forward regarding the decision to take over the commercial services has been because the Union is running at a deficit. In the report for last financial year, the USU made a profit. Can the Universities original argument still stand? If yes, why? If no, what other reasons are there? What is your vision for the Campus’ commercial services in the coming years? A certain responsibility for a man being paid $754,000 (with a $169k bonus) is to be attentive to the people that fronted the cheque. The community of USyd have a right to know the future of their commercial services. It is disappointing that the only dialogue the University has had with its student body regarding the transition is a Q & A session on the Green Paper years ago. Spence agrees that “student run organisations are vital to the life of the University.” He concludes that “the co-curricular life of the University must remain forever student run. Similarly, we will always need effective student run advocacy and welfare services.” However, it is important not to forget that without an independent income stream, an organisation loses the ability to expand. Without this income, the USU will be entirely dependent on Michael Spence. Perhaps the man is just nostalgic and in love with the Union. He did, after all, host his 21st birthday party in the Union’s very own Holme building. But there are only so many times you can give the benefit of the doubt to someone who won’t answer any important questions.
But what could have provoked Spence’s campaign against an establishment that has been successfully serving students for longer than the automobile (and the fountain pen WOAHA!)? It is rumoured that Spence was incapacitated for a week after consuming a bad USU potato. Now we all know Xquisito serve the best goddamn smoothies this side of mango mountain but week-long food poisoning may carve a nasty shoulder chip: THE DECAPTIATION OF ALL USU SERVICES. Seems only logical.
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Salinger on Stage at SUDS
Kosi to Coast for Chemo Kids
campus
NICK SIMONE on an inspirational USyd journey. Cath was 23 years old when she passed away after a twelve year battle with leukemia. Almost five thousand people each year will be diagnosed with leukemia in Australia but never is it more of a tragedy than when it steals life away from a child. Cath was diagnosed when she was eleven and fought it for an aweinswpiring twelve years. Few can boast such a feat and even fewer would want to. Many are not granted the lease on life that Cath received following her diagnosis. Many have far less time. Regardless of the duration, how that time is spent, whether it is in suffering or in relative comfort, depends on the good-treatment, kindness and generosity of doctors, nurses and the organisations that support them. Cath received excellent treatment and unending compassion from the good people at the Children’s Hospital at Westmead and it is in her memory and for this institution that we ride. In January, 2012 a team of Sydney University students will ride from the top of Mount Kosciuszko to Bateman’s Bay for charity. ‘Kosi to Coast for Chemo Kids’ is a 350km adventure to source donations for the Leukemia Research and Support Fund of The Children’s Hospital and to financially ensure that their oncology clinic can provide the same excellent care to children suffering this terrible disease as they did for Cath. Treatments for leukemia, such as chemotherapy, are highly invasive and personally draining. The Leukemia Research and
Support Fund makes sure that the children who undergo these procedures are as comfortable as possible and helps families support their children through this journey. If the sound of a five day bike ride causes you to tingle in your light-weight breathable cycling jersey, then come along and join us on our cycling-odyssey. Or, if skin-tight lycra pants do not star in your wardrobe, then no need to sweat (literally and metaphorically). The riders need all the help they can get and will gladly accept a donation. Any donation you can spare is a gift to a child who really needs it. You will probably never meet them but know that your donation could be what is needed to brighten their day and ease their pain. With your help we can try to put smiles on the faces of these children as they confront the daunting challenges that come with this horrible disease. To make a donation, for any information or just for general interest, please visit our website at: www.kosi2coast.com. Please direct any questions to: kosi2coast@gmail.com.
Penguin classics: not just accessories. By JACQUELINE BREEN. You might think that J.D.Salinger lived a lonely, reclusive life because he was disillusioned with publishers and vociferous media attention. Folks say he lived alone in New Hampshire, keeping busy being bitter and hoarding his last literary offerings until his death last year. Truth be told, the author retreated in to a shady exile because I wouldn’t leave him alone. I sent him too many love letters and batches of heartshaped cupcakes and scribbled in his margins and collected locks of his hair and eventually he got sick and holed up inside. Holden Caulfield’s turbulent teen angst, which unfolds in wintry and moonlit mid-century New York, makes my heart hurt. Catcher in the Rye has been galvanising emo’s and mortifying grown-ups since it’s publication in 1951; it is both the most studied and most censored book in America’s school curriculum. Salinger’s short stories in For Esme with Love and Squalor are totally charming vignettes, deftly threading together young innocents and war veterans and beautiful adulterers. His strength is in characterisation; Franny and Zooey opens with the most artfully drawn portrait of vulnerable self-absorption I’ve ever read. Lane, Franny’s date, is waiting for her on a train station platform and trying to affect cool nonchalance. As the train approaches, he hurriedly stuffs her letter back in his jacket and feigns indifference for her arrival. Salinger observes that such people “should only be granted a probationary license to greet trains.” Will Haines has been pretty patient with me fanning out. He’s directing a SUDS adaptation of Franny and Zooey which opens tonight at the Cellar Theatre. The book chronicles the existential unravelling of college student Franny, the youngest member of the iconic Glass family from Salinger’s long-running New Yorker serial. Sitting and chain-smoking outside a tech rehearsal in the Cellar, Will assures me that this literary legend does translate well to the stage. “Salinger’s descriptions of the characters are lovely, but they are a novelistic way to fill in what could be shown by actors on stage,” Will
The Most Memorable 2011 Quotes from Everyone’s Favourite SRC General Secretary! over!” Ibid., August 3rd “Who can believe that it is already week 11 of second semester.” Ibid., October 12th “I just do not know where the last 10 months have gone that we are already only a few weeks away from CHRISTMAS!!!” Ibid., October 12th “Last week, you might have noticed that Honi Soit was looking a bit... different.. It was the Queer edition if you were wondering what was different.” General Secretary Report, Honi Soit October 12th “Welcome to your first week of semester 1 for 2011!” Ibid., March 2nd
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“It is hard to believe that we are already half way through the second week of second semester 2011. It is hard to believe, but it is slowly beginning to sink in, that those four weeks of holiday are
still had to pay the $600 compulsory fees. Disagreed with your student politicians using the money to fly around the country or donating it to terrorist organisations and other organisations that murder defenceless human beings? Too bad – you still had to pay.” Ibid,m October 19th
“I can’t believe this is my last report as General Secretary. In true fashion I have submitted this report Sunday evening. To the Honi editors – my apologies – I just don’t know where the week goes each week.” Ibid., October 19th
“At this meeting I have proposed some changes to the SRC regulations. I plan on proposing regulation changes at all meetings of the SRC. This is because our constitution and regulations are severely out dated and need updating to ensure they are fair and relevant for all students.” Ibid., March 2nd
“A lot has happened over the past 12 months even in the past week alone! We have seen the introduction of a carbon tax – why politicians want to destroy our wealth and livelihood is anyone’s guess.” Ibid., October 19th
“As we being [sic] to all recover from the exciting time that is O-Week and start to being [sic] consider getting involved in our studies for the semester it is important to remember that we are also here to have fun at University.” Ibid.,March 2nd
“If you are a student that is only studying at night – when everything is closed – you
“It is important that groups the SRC traditionally have funded work
explains. “They’re novelistic stage directions, in many ways, because they focus on tone or physical expression.” Things stay pretty naturalistic in Will’s stage adaptation; the vintage dialogue and rich characterisation are lifted straight of Salinger’s pages. The theatricality comes from impressionistic highlights, which Will designed to “sort of capture the ghosts of the family, and the memories.” The ramshackled set oozes so much smokey grandeur Margot Tenebaum may as well be lounging in the corner; it’s all fairly fourthwall, except for a looming, trippy aquarium mural (by COFA student Charlie Kilmartin) splattered across the back wall. Thanks to that underwater world, things get shot through with something mystical. Franny’s freak-out should resonate with anyone here who’s ever clutched a textbook and wondered what it’s all for; what will all this reading and testing and cramming all amount to? For Will’s money, the most interesting character is Zooey. “He’s an absolute menace and a prick but he’s a total clear thinker,” he says. “And he’s a wonderful example of the foils of clear thinking, and how much it can’t do. There’s this beautiful long exposition in the middle of the play and it’s very precise, well-argued analysis but it doesn’t get him anywhere, and it certainly doesn’t get Franny anywhere and it hurts Franny even more. Even though he speaks the truth it’s only when he gives thought and rationalisation up and does things through analogy and story and art that Franny is able to hear him and heal.” In the end, the characters’ conclusion neatly parallels Will’s (and SUDS’) raison de’etre. Franny and Zooey (both actors as well as college students) “come to realise why the stage is important,” Will thinks. “It’s only when you get to show what you’re trying to say that it comes alive.” Franny and Zooey plays the Cellar Theatre, Monday to Friday 8pm, Saturday 1pm and 8pm. $2/$3/$4/$5. See Facebook. constructively within the make up of the SRC that we as students voted for.” Ibid., March 9th “You may have noticed that last week my report was censored. It deeply concerns me that this occurred without consultation or any sort of notification. While my report went to print and thus hopefully you were able to pick up a copy around campus and read it, it was pulled from the online edition.” Ibid., September 14th “Each week I will brief you on my activities as well as provide you with my “pun of the week”. Ibid., February 2nd “We must ensure that we no longer fund such extreme outfits that have little positive contribution, create a negative environment for the student body and try to cater to the students with events such as Harmony Day.” Ibid., March 23rd
l Chad Sidler: Greatest Hits is available for your SRC for only $16,000 per year!
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Briefs
The year 2011 has seen quite a few shenanigans. LUKE MARTIN muses on a year of news from his probably leather chair.
2011 has been an extraordinary year. Sure, we say this about every year, but the sheer number of human tragedies and triumphs—along with unbelievable natural disasters—set this year apart. They can’t all be mentioned on the one page, so here’s the abridged version, the year in briefs. 2011 was the year of debt. The year when the world called its debts in on … itself. Because of this, the global share market lived and died week by week, which has not occurred before. There are quarterly, or even monthly ups and downs in which massive spikes in either direction can occur, but the fact that this has been the case every single damn week has been exhausting. The recession of 2008 may have technically concluded— according to economists—but investors certainly have no confidence that this is the case. ‘Confidence’ here is the golden word, and it’s the only thing stopping the world economy from having some get up and go. It’s the one commodity that cannot be dug-up, picked, plucked or manufactured. The immediate impacts of this lack of confidence have been profound, with the United States buckling at the knees, while actively trying to tear itself apart. It is worse in Europe. This is not just Greece’s fault. It is the fault of those who lent money to Greece, just like it’s your fault if you give an alcoholic a bottle of single-malt on the conditions that they drink it in moderation. They should never be entrusted with liquor. Greece (along with Italy, Spain, Portugal and Ireland) should never have been entrusted with financial responsibility. As a result of bankers around the world not getting their shit together, you have the Euro crisis, you have ‘Occupy Wall Street’, and you have a young, educated class of twentysomethings now with little hope, constituting what TIME magazine refers as ‘The Lost Generation.’ They’re generation that the World let down. So, stay at uni.
The Middle East has been on fire this year. Observers are scratching their heads as the usual suspects—the U.S. and Western Europe—have had little or nothing to do with it. There have been revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt, mass demonstrations in Yemen and Bahrain and brutal violence in Syria, which is now verging on civil war. There is no one reason behind the popularlydeemed ‘Arab Spring’ and why it is occurring now, but the unrest generally goes a little something like “we don’t have to take this shit anymore.” The main media focus, however, has been on Libya and its man of the hour, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi/Qaddafi/‘Brotherly Leader’/it doesn’t matter anymore. With the dictator’s death and his last bastion of resistance now fallen, the eight-month civil war has finally come to an end. Also coming to a close is NATO’s intervention in the nation; after a slightly respectable 28,000 missions over Libya’s skies they have finally called it quits. It’s an incredible time in the region, as the list of deposed dictators and authoritarian regimes lengthens. The populations have targeted their common enemies with a unified voice in a way that was technologically not possible until now, through social media. Gaddafi’s death can also be added to someone’s list of terrorists-that-have-been-thrown-outof-the-world, with Osama bin Laden and his lieutenant Anwar al-Awlaki killed in the space of six months. This growing list, along with astonishing change in the Middle East in the last year (even including Afghanistan and Iraq), has silenced those that questioned Barack Obama’s foreign policy strategy. It is the height of irony that a Democratic president’s strongest arguments for re-election revolve around national security—a traditionally Republican arena—while his vulnerability is over domestic concerns usually dominated by the left. The world was reminded, however, that terrorism knows many faces and
cultures; Norwegian Anders Breivik displayed a shocking disregard for human life, killing 77 people—mostly teenagers—and injuring 96 others in July. After thirty years and 135 launches, the U.S. finally ended its Space Shuttle program, with Atlantis making the final flight. Even though the program has ended this was an outstanding year of discovery, with the total number of known planets outside our solar system approaching 1300. In addition to evidence of liquid water on Mars during the summer months and the completion of the 13-year-long project of the International Space Station, these are some excellent positives in what continues to be a tenuous time for NASA. Mother Nature really unleashed this year, starting with the Queensland floods, and ending (as of November) with dreadful floods in Thailand. In between, Christchurch was broken in two when an earthquake leveled the CBD in February, only to be outdone a fortnight later when the earth literally wobbled on its axis due to an earthquake off the east coast of Japan. The resulting tsunami caused close to 16,000 deaths, and a nuclear crisis on par with Chernobyl.
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Year in
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There are seven billion of us on this rock now, the ‘official’ number ticked over this week. Apart from natural disasters that seem far more frequent nowadays, Australia has had comfortable box seats to the events of the year, a reminder of how astoundingly lucky the 22 million or so of us are compared to the rest of the world. That’s another thing that is often said, but so what? Keep saying it; comparisons are always good. From some of the domestic political ‘concerns’ that have been tossed around this year by the lesser-of-who-cares, it’s evident that Australia’s matchless position is something that we need to be reminded of (more than just) occasionally.
OCCUPYING SYDNEY TIMOTHY SCRIVEN is still sitting non-violently in our office. Early Sunday morning, the occupiers of Martin Place were evicted with sudden violence. 40 people were arrested and many more were injured. Nonetheless, as I type this on Sunday afternoon, we are not finished. Many hours of time and money have been poured into the movement, and great personal risks taken. What for? We have no list of demands. We’re clearly concerned about corporate corruption, but we’ve never made clear what we want done about it. The answer, I believe, is that we are searchers. We recognise something is wrong, very deeply wrong: rivers of power and gold are held by one per cent of the world’s population. The other 99% are screwed over largely because of the circumstances of our birth. Most of us in the camp think that the problem has reached a
point of emergency as social and environmental ecology is deteriorating and history teeters on a knife’s edge. Even in the global North, inequality is increasing by the day. We’re urging everyone being harmed to come and do something about it. “This is what democracy looks like” is our primary chant; the one we keep chanting. Every group decision is fully democratic, and nothing is delegated to a group of leaders. We’re as concerned with how we relate to each other as we are with how we relate to the external world. It’s no utopia. 9/11 conspiracy theorists roam, and a wandering douche with a blaring lawn blower makes it hard to talk. Everytime someone makes a reasonable request (like don’t smoke marijuana or drink alcohol, so the cops don’t bust us), someone responds with “you
can’t stifle my freedom, man.” There’s a number of folks who are a little bit unbalanced who routinely run around yelling at everyone. We etch along, reaching reasonable consensuses about how to proceed. We watch out for each other. Our first general assembly reached few conclusions, despite hours of deliberation. Every assembly has been faster than the last, and reached more conclusions. Despite the loss of the camp, there is no plan to cease the assemblies. Our camp was a tinkerer’s workshop, fiddling around with different ways we can relate to each other, trying to find a better world in and amongst it. I hope that we can reform another camp, so our experiments can continue. Solutions or no, seeing that there is a problem is the first step.
IMAGE FROM INDYMEDIA
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LIFE CRITIC: Beaumarchais!
an y ha ts . es a m an w it h m lik ES IN A ST R IE S LAU R EN C E R O Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais had an impressively long name. He also wrote the subversive plays The Barber of Seville and The Marriage of Figaro which mercilessly satirised the aristocracy and contributed to the antiauthoritarian furore in France before the revolution. What a punk!
FARRAGO
But Beaumarchais also invented mechanisms for pocketwatches and built a watch on a ring for noted muse (and royal hussy) Madame de Pompadour. He lost his civil rights in a protracted court battle with a corrupt judge whom he fought with pamphleteering, and became a royal spy in exchange for the return of his full citizenship. He founded a munitions company that secretly supplied the American revolutionaries during their war of independence with England. He published the complete works of Voltaire posthumously, including many of the author’s banned volumes. He supplied drinking water to Paris during the French Revolution but was soon declared an émigré, and lived as a fugitive in Germany for a while. Oscar Wilde + Eliot Ness + James Bond – three hundred years = this guy. It’s not all roses, however; it’s highly likely that Beaumarchais poisoned at least one of his first two wives for financial gain. But they all did that sort of thing, so who’s complaining? It is clear that Beaumarchais, like Casanova, was a man of the world. It may have been a colourful time to be alive, but somehow he ended up with the whole goddamned rainbow.
Disney? Disney THIS! MICHAEL RICHARDSON doesn’t want to watch The Lion King again. Yes, I know. You love Disney. We all do. Even the most iconoclastic of us probably has a little shrine set aside for Disney films. Well, tough. I’m irritated by Disney and by the insistences of people that I rewatch, a demand which comes from a significant group of my friends (seriously, they will be livid).
of childhood, swaddled by cradle linens, rather than keeping what actually made your childhood what it was: innocence; optimism; wonder. I still have these things, and I don’t feel the need to regain them.
The thing is that most Disney films, especially the earlier ones, have pretty awful messages at their core There are a couple of false if you think about what ’s actually assumptions that are being made happening, rather than what they here. The one I hear most often say you should take away from it. is that if you don’t like Disney, I’m kind of disgusted by the way The you’re an ‘adult’ and you’re out Lion King is about the triumph of a of touch with your childhood and monarchy of informed utopia, which fuck, you’re probably a goddamn is centred on the ruling class just square (in sentiment, if they don’t being ‘better’ than everyone else. actually say square). The truth is Why don’t those fucking gazelles that being in touch with childhood, or whatever just gang up on the or whatever, is being intentionally lions, who exist only to eat gazelles, confused with a pathetic attempt to and live peacefully forever? Do remain ensconced in the trappings
they really buy that ‘Circle of Life’ bullshit? If you take the world on its terms, where animals are able to think and communicate and feel human emotions, it all falls apart. I have no problem with actually liking Disney. Their films were made to be likeable, to appeal to people who don’t think too hard, and they’re beautifully drawn. Their villains especially are rendered with endearingly brazen strokes (Frollo, the suffering Catholic; Scar the complete fascist—they don’t try to hide what they are to the viewer). But I would rather try to watch new things, better things, of which there are many, than be forced into removing shrink-wrap of nostalgia and seeing the innards for what they truly were.
LIFE CRITIC: FRANçOIS BOUCHER s up ar t hi st or y. xe se N LA EL N N O SHANNON C
Steve Jobs? Steve Jobs THIS! FELIX SUPERNOVA: Suck a dick, Steve! I don’t care that he just died. Fuck Steve Jobs. Other than being recognised as a cunt by his closest peers, Steve Jobs abused workers and customers and relied on unsafe materials refined in third world countries. Let’s just start with the closed source nature of Apple products: no matter who creates an app, if it’s on the Apple app market then they get a cut. If customers dare mod their iPhone they’ve broken their contract and can and will be blocked out.
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The slave-like working conditions in Apple factories have famously led to suicides, however the rage never really picked up—as if apps were the new opium of the masses. After Sun Danyong lost a prototype for the iPod 4 Sun he jumped to his death rather than face the consequences. Twelve more people have committed suicide, the majority aged between 18-24. It is also well known that Apple traded a nonpoisonous glue for a poisonous one that dried faster (known by the ominous name n-hexane).
While we mostly accept that those who rise to the top of the corporate world are going to do some underhanded shit, Steve seemed to take immense pleasure in being an arsehole. A popular story from Apple employees goes a little something like this: when Steve couldn’t be bothered finding his own parking spot, he’d take the handicapped spaces out the front. Plural intended— he’d park across 2 different handicapped spaces. Apparently whenever this happened other employees would leave notes under his wind shield, such as ‘Park Differently.’ But his cuntliness was further reaching than mere parking infingements and child abuse. Rare earth metals are necessary for iDevices to work, and are used depite being extremely hard to extract, dirty to purify and make horrible waste when discarded. So fuck you Steve Jobs, for changing our world for the fucking worst. You cuntflap.
“Boucher is one of those men who represent the taste of a century, who express, personify and embody it.” - The Goncourt Brothers François Boucher, Rococo master, allegory enthusiast and pastel king. Known for his luxurious, passionate paintings of jovial taste, Boucher was one of the most important painters in France at the beginning of the 18th century. He was born the son of a Parisian lace designer, so the man knew a thing or two about style and elegance from his first steps. He would see his first and last day in Paris. Boucher studied both at home, in France, and abroad, in Italy, a stint which would open his eyes to the romance of the Baroque period and the drama of classical art forms. Boucher’s works are swimming in classically-inspired eroticism, from the mightiest mythological scene to the most humble of pastoral settings, a feature both celebrated and slammed by the critics of the day. While contemporary Jean-Baptiste Greuze was content painting forlorn ladies with dead birds, mourning their symbolic lost virginity, Boucher was celebrating sensuality in full colour. Rosy-cheeked lovers prance around jubilant gardens like eager first years at Beachball, Diana bathes with her ladies in homoerotic splendour, Venus rides luxurious waves with her posse of classically-rendered hotties. Boucher also put his own fairy floss spin on landscape, famously stating that nature is “too green and badly lit”. It would be this love of luxury and indulgence that would catch the eye of one of the most
powerful patrons in France: Madame de Pompadour, the mistress of King Louis XV. De Pompadour’s commissions saw Boucher paint numerous portraits of France’s most powerful mistress, as well as decking out the royal abodes with his signature style. In 1765 Boucher was appointed to the two highest positions in the French arts establishment: first painter to the king and director of the Royal Academy. Boucher enjoyed a pretty sweet ride with the critics in his early years, until the formidable French philosopher and art critic Diderot sank his claws in. Boucher’s most famous work of all, Blonde Odalisque, is steeped in scandal, permeated by Diderot. He claimed that the painting was a scandalous portrait that represented the extramarital dilly-dallying of the King. The dark-haired versions of the Odalisque raised suspicion, with Diderot claiming that Boucher was “prostituting his own wife”. Diderot’s claims had a huge impact on the reception of Boucher’s work. However, there’s always a market for eroticism and Boucher would keep a healthy workflow going with private commissions from the aristocracy. Boucher was a man with great taste, a tendency toward pastels and a lover of luxury. Though he may have been criticised for his sensual subject matter and kitsch colour palette, Boucher is admirable for his ability to render rural life with the same grandeur and eroticism as the lofty stages of Olympus. Milkmaids are as babein’ as Venus herself, rendered in tones peachy enough to make even the squarest of noblemen blush.
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Hyperlink? Hyperlink THIS! JACQUELINE BREEN ain’t clickin’ nowhere. attention just to scramble it.” Stop poking the page, guys. No, you can’t open this in a new tab.
Now, I know, history is littered with these cases of techno-panic. Socrates totally So what do to about it? Embrace cognitive wet himself when written communication shield programs developed to minimise based on the alphabet took off; he obvious linking until you autonomously seek worried that brains would disintegrate as Your sensible solutions have people outsourced cognition and thought- it out? SHUT UP. ous and indulgent ridicul our in place no structuring to a piece of paper, instead g for it but to nothin ’s There ation. public of relying on mental capacity. Similarly, opening a new Try arm. right your tate ampu 15th century Italian scholars squealed y. stump now, tab at Gutenberg’s printing press; He he! this devil machine rendered dissemination of information easy and accessible, which meant any loser could distribute trash and gossip and atheism to the unsuspecting masses. NEADA BULSECO is gloating right now. article Last year, a Wired magazine calm kept history ly, Obvious Picasso-rivaling artistic flair. But I will shudder sucked up years of cross-disciplinary us of most and on carried and one at your false modesty and extraordinary research and slammed down You got a 90 for your last assessment, cted undistra remain to manage is lack of self-awareness. This isn’t tall poppy Internet the inescapable conclusion: but told everyone your result was “OK.” makewithout es celebriti by it cases, syndrome; it’s a reality check. I know, you changing our brains. In some You were headhunted for the job of your Who across ed splatter up know, we all know how great you are. So er/stronger, makes us harder/better/fast dreams, but you say you’re “just conforming e cognitiv the But e. magazin reading, throw a party, share your knowledge and let but it also promotes “cursory to the daily grind. Sigh.” You came second through d delivere on corrupti and everyone enjoy some of that success, your hurried and distracted thinking, at the Olympics, but you’ve shoved your my hurts actually king hyperlin cited notable prowess. Just stop with the sniveling piece superficial learning.” The silver to the back of the cupboard. In fact, where about worried I’m head, heavy self-deprecation! that studies which conclude you’re undeniably attractive, hilarious and my like I’d and heading we’re accelerated Internet users transfer the heart-meltingly kind. You probably knit socks I don’t mind if you have your cake and eat it train of thought back please. mental patterns employed online into for orphans and have a couple of Vogue too, I just want a bite every now and then. suckers total the real world, and were covers under your belt. And you consistently Information absorbed online, in And I don’t want to feel like a jerk for having a And for shiny objects of distraction. undermine yourself. hypertext, struts around in our taste—or enjoying it. in guy hyperlinked text is the bad working memory, described Well, I hate you. our “seizes under-lined disguise; it by Wired as the “scratchI hate you because you mistake selfdeprecation for modesty, and make the rest of us feel incredibly incompetent and irrefutably shit. While we celebrate small triumphs, you refuse to revel in life-changing accomplishments. Any high-five, any sky BRIDIE CONNELL may not want you to hate with her. punch is quickly withdrawn lest it betrays an unjust air of arrogance in comparison I hate Twilight. When it comes to to the faint smile you oblige upon the choosing Team Edward or Team announcement of your knighthood. Jacob, I go for Team Stake The Glittery Bastards and Have Done Give it up, Sir Dick. Your boundless talents With It. I’ve also never read it, or are generally inspiring, and I’m not going to seen the films. No one I know will judge you for your incredible stock savvy or admit to being a fan. No one I know will admit to having actually read it either.
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False modesty? Deprecate THIS!
farrago
Oscar Wilde once said “I can resist anything, except a hyperlink.” The poor pansy probably just opened up The Guardian’s homepage and never saw it coming. He right-clicked on to a story about Tunisia’s upcoming elections, right-clicked again to read up about Mohammed Bouaziziv (the young vegetable vendor whose violent public suicide sparked the Arab Springs) and three hours later found himself slumped drooling in to his keyboard with a million tabs open and a killer Wiki headache. I love the Internet and all the mind-expanding, regime-changing, stranger-endangering opportunities it brings but, really: hyperlinks seriously suck.
pad of consciousness.” Overwhelming our cognitive load with too much information causes this temporary reservoir to overflow, and the new information fails to effectively permeate long-term memory. I’d cite the stats and studies that prove this, but I know you’ve already seen it happen to your friends and loved ones; you probably cleaned the splattered synapses off your screen before logging in this morning.
Bandwagons? Hitch THIS!
But I also like musical theatre, so I may be a hypocrite. Me disliking Stalker McGlitterdust and getting annoyed at people who criticise my beloved showtunes without knowing much about them is trying to have my cake and eat it too. So it’s time to criticise every critic’s transport of choice: the Bandwagon. In a place where we are taught to make informed and balanced decisions, hating things because it’s fashionable to do so is a decidedly ubiquitous trend at uni. Maybe this is not so surprising; humans are impressionable and it’s hard to remain immune to the influence of others, especially in our formative years. We like what our friends like and hate what they hate. Jersey Shore, jeggings, Love Song Dedications? The bandwagon hasn’t even slowed before we jump on, ready to criticise something that we often know nothing about. Did you really delve into the world of country and western tunes before you labeled the whole genre formulaic and redneck? Saying you dislike country
Box tickers? Tick THIS! music is like saying you dislike sports. If you wade through enough crap, you’ll find something you like; for every ‘Dropkick me Jesus through the Goalposts of Life’ there’s a ‘Rose of my Heart’. Perhaps our days of academic endeavour make us eager to perpetuate a self-aggrandising image of ourselves as intellectual and in the know of what’s cool and what ain’t. Perhaps we “totally hate musical theatre” because we’re secretly jealous of triple threats. If either of these are the case, we need better reasons. There are many things worth disliking. Just make sure your opinions are yours, not just everyone else’s recycled rants. Make sure you know something about jeggings before you label them trashy, and make sure that your opinion doesn’t stem from jealousy that you don’t have the arse to wear them. Don’t be a hata. Be a playa congratulata.
JULIAN LARNACH doesn’t like you because you’re a big phoney! Sydney University is guilty of breeding a particular brand of human: the box ticker. Moving towards an invisible goal, holding a certain passionless ambition within their heart and knocking people out of their way for no particular reason. I’m going to take aim at candidates for Union Board on this one, though they are by no means the only perpetrators. This is in no way universal—some of the most passionate USU members I have ever met were Board Directors, with a visible and tangible passion for the organisation they ran. But there are some whose presence on Board is just baffling. After flunking near every section in the Honi Soit Union quiz but coming first in the Union Board elections, Mina Nada shrugged and said “lucky that quiz didn’t mean anything.” I felt like saying “lucky you’re running that organisation you know nothing about.” If you’re going to do something, be passionate about
it. Don’t simply do it to tick a box (or put that notch in the belt in some cases), do it because you believe you can do better. Not only are you getting in the way of people who want it more, you’re getting in the way of people who can do a better job. Don’t use the USU Board (or SRC) as a launching platform to something else; see it as the end, not the means. You win. Box ticked. What for? Are you any happier? Is your resume stuffed for a hypothetical job in the future? We deserve better than someone who’s going to fight tooth and nail to get elected then do nothing with their term. A tick without integrity behind it is at best comedy, at worst a travesty. The system works sometimes: for every unsuccesful stacker (Pat Massarani and Ali Cowan, for instance) there’s a Scott Brownless and Giorgia Rossi. However, for every inactive Michael Buckland there’s a Tim Scriven who misses out.
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X MARKS THE STORY.
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Pranks on Commemoration Day were a tradition at the University, used to collect money for local charities as well as raise mischief; at every prank, a student would be present to collect money that would then be donated to charities (e.g. Far West Children's Homes Appeal). The last Commem Day was held in 1975.
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U THE WRITINGS OF JACK VANCE by MICHAEL RICHARDSON
and his Jack Vance is a fantastic writer, t simple. tha just It’s le. stories are inimitab etly influential Vance is one of the most qui done for has he writers of this century; aft has done ecr Lov HP modern fantasy what besides. else ch mu for modern horror, and prolific re mo the of Not only that, he’s one ting wri n bee has authors of all time; he t use of the since 1945. Yes, that is a correc se; he has ten e ssiv present perfect progre rs, has yea x y-si sixt been writing for over ens of doz and ries written hundreds of sto re. mo ting wri l novels, and at 95 is stil
ntally eaten the Totality of Creation accide ose mind wh n ma wo a by a hungry man; mination; abo l nfu pai a as perceives beauty ; a city where the ‘Excellent Prismatic Spray’ in green, and people in red can’t see people k the city is vice versa (thus they each thin re. haunted); and, of course, mo
the arts bit
amazing. The His science fiction is equally ut an assassin abo is t Demon Princes quinte in a space rds elo killing five galactic crim ing the Rigel tur fea , ene known as the Oikum Rigel, which Concourse – the 26 planets of re named we up mix in a communications ham, Pilg er Rog ed by a bored clerk nam where, No , ole kin Kro ansive including: Valisande, His stories combine huge, exp corn. ley Bar and e her often comic Zacaranda, Somew universes with minutiae and verse uni this ut abo g most wellThe refreshing thin struggles of regular people. His the and s, clas dle mid saga—in is that it’s all faintly known work, the Dying Earth o wh ls ina crim se the ted for eons only real threats are which human society has exis ry Eve . ond Bey e her r knew about operate from somew and forgotten more than it eve perament ich the sun wh criminal, however, has the tem in technology or magic, and Alan ard How like decades of a frustrated artist, is a red orb with only years or ts to mp atte ce) Prin is mainly Treesong’s (a Demon left before it is extinguished— tasy fan the s, am Dre of one amoral retrieve the Book of concerned with the attempt ng. you s wa he en back home. fiction he wrote wh man named Cugel trying to get of e som t pas y ay, and that’s As he prevaricates his wa Vance is almost unknown tod will ever read, you s ter rac cha st worse than nge do stra ld the a crying shame. You cou pedalian qui ses and cal lyri , or any by rks led wo pel se pro er of the by seaworms; picking up eith led pul ts boa : see ’ll you se, . pro others that he’s written d-palaces; swamp-people who live in min
Paul Simon’s ‘GRACELAND’ by JULIAN LARNACH Each song is a fable wrapped in rhythm. ‘Crazy Love, Vol. II’ tells the story of a divorced angel; ‘Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes’ is a tale of love in an economic divide. Every song worthy of a replay. But Paul Simon declared the title track his best After the disappointing reception to song. It’s a story about a dad and Hearts and Bones, Manhattan folk son travelling, and it features the singer Paul Simon needed a change of best lines I’ve ever heard: tune. He found the required muse in a cassette tape of the Boyoyo Boys, an “Losing love is like a window in instrumental band from South Africa. your heart. Backed by South African musos Lady Blacksmith Mambozo, Graceland took Everybody sees you’re blown apart. Simon’s folk sensibilities and fused Everybody sees the wind blow.” it with strong African basslines and drumbeats (think Vampire Weekend He was a New York Jew in the well before they were conceived into heart of Africa and it worked undead life). phenomenally well. There are moments in life that are darker than others; for these moments everyone needs a cool pillow of musical escape. Mine is Paul Simon’s Graceland – the silver lined cloud of afro-folk-pop perpetually on my horizon.
: S D N E M M O C E HONI R STEWART LEE
by JAMES COLLEY
doesn’t just swim in the Comedy, like music and television, hang on the fringe. mainstream, there are also those who Noel Fielding and Sam Alternative comedy can be more than es” in new and interesting Simmons saying the word “potato odies alternate comedy as ways. UK stand-up Stewart Lee emb edy in a slightly skewed what it was always meant to be: com style, slower and more calculated. s, but his best work has Lee has been performing for decade r being hit with a blasphemy been unleashed more recently afte England, in 2005) for his charge (yes, a blasphemy charge, in Opera. This event reignited involvement in Jerry Springer: The hugely successful shows: 90s Lee’s career leading to a series of Ever, If You Prefer A Milder Comedian, The 41st Best Stand Up Vegetable Stew. Comedian Please Ask for One, and intelligent you’ll ever see. He Lee’s comedy is some of the most uption, happily spending has a keen eye for hypocrisy and corr r to get at the heart of 15 minutes deconstructing Top Gea exactly why it’s awful. e. In fact, Gervais names He’s Ricky Gervais with a moral cod – something evident when Lee as one of the biggest influences you watch them side by side.
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ly worth the watch. If you’ve He’s all over YouTube and definite entirety of The 41st Best got a sizeable stash of bandwith, the uding ten minutes spent on Stand Up Ever show is all there, incl edian, and a summary of a story about a 70s cruise ship com ena of some twats in a the Big Brother series as “the phenom place.” , but that ’s the point. It’s Not everyone will like Stewart Lee meant to be done. alternative comedy, the way it was
THE THREE MUSKETEERS With a new retelling of The Three Musketeers due out in a week or two, some of our younger readers may be surprised to learn that 170odd years ago the classic adventure tale didn’t feature Zeppelins, or Uzis, or flying pirate ships, or Orlando Bloom. What it did feature, however, was a plot. A really good one. By turns scary, romantic, funny and poignant, Alexandre Dumas’ much-loved novel is essentially a story of three friends becoming four. When young country boy D’Artagnan comes to Paris to become a musketeer, his valour and mettle are tested hugely. He grows up quickly, earns the admiration of his peers and becomes a vital part of the King’s guard. Duels abound, as do love interests, poncy Englishmen, disguises and close shaves. Chuck in two of the coolest antagonists ever (the fantastically named Lady de Winter and the truly wicked Cardinal Richelieu) and you have the quintessential swashbuckler. And there’s a sequel! JINGIES! Unsurprisingly, the story is constantly reimagined, and those reinterpretations that work best are those that have a whole lot of heart. That’s what The Three Musketeers is: all for one and one for all. A timeless, joyful tale.
by BRIDIE CONNELL
This October, I won’t be at the cinema watching Paul W.S. Anderson’s new 3D gun-slinging interpretation of The Three Musketeers. I’ll be curled up in an armchair reading the original in protest, or watching the excellent 1972 film with by BRIDIE CONNELL Charlton Heston. It is one of the best stories of friendship ever told, and I love it. If you haven’t read it, do.
FIASCO
by LAURENCE ROSIER STAINES
Dennis and Martha are magistrates playing golf with their mutual friend, the chief of police. During the game, Martha takes a speedy dislike to Dennis after a remark made about her powerful forearms, and sets about taking him down. Meanwhile, Scaly Jones, a drug manufacturer, has befriended Martha’s husband Nigel at a chemist, and convinces him that he’s a doctor. Nigel invites him to dinner in the hopes that Scaly Jones will write a prescription for his sick son Timmy. Little does he know that Martha and Scaly Jones already know each other, and harbour a terrible secret concerning the murder of several French exchange students. Before long there will be a cocaine heist, blackmail, a real estate deal, the arrival of a buffoonish out of town investor and swift, swift vigilante justice. This is something that was created offthe-cuff in the excellent self-devised world of Fiasco.
Fiasco is a live story-telling/role-playing game that allows you and several friends to emulate the black comedies of the Coen brothers. If you have ever liked watching veteran character actors concoct flimsy criminal schemes and double-cross each other before everything goes to hell, this is the game for you. Choose a playset—anywhere from small-town suburbia to the old west—then roll a bunch of dice to help you form characters and relationships with other players. Players take turns devising scenes that happen, then in the middle there is a complicating factor—perhaps a wild animal on the loose, or the wrong man getting arrested, or almost anything else—that adds to the priority-shifting chaos. Fiasco: Google it for explanation. A game takes up to two hours and provides a story you’ll tell EVERYONE.
by TOM WALK E
R
I know how I’m going to end up . I’ll be destitute in a gu tter, burning re lative’s letters in a barr el and telling an yone who asks how I lost it all. I’ll te ll them a story of custom -made postcard s and sculptures, how I paid to have a tiny spaceship laun ched into orbit, how I funded a danc e company to cr eate an original work an d bought a card game about fighting against a zombi e horde. And I’ll tell them I did it in five m inutes, immediately ba nkrupting mys elf. Bringing a larg e-scale creativ e project to fruition is an Venture to kick ordeal. Artists starter.com an and entrepreneurs d you’ll fin d hundreds of have to funnel projects rangin their passion, time an g from sc ul pt ur es to board ga d money into pr mes; dance ojects or risk comprom pr od uc tions to docum ise by courting entaries; each financial backer with their own s, funding thei established tie r work in industries w rs of funding. Donat here everything e a dollar to an costs money: rehear art bo ok an d you might re sal spaces, prin ceive a weekly ting costs, internet m ai lo ut of work-in-pro promotion, soft gress sketches ware, props, canvases donate $500 to ; and time. US w a card game an ebsite Kickstarter puts d ha pi ve ct ur a e of your face sh that uncertaint oved onto offici y straight artwor into the cash-fi al k. lled hands of th All those tales from the first e public by crowdsourc paragraph? Re ing the funding al things. Get on process. som it! Give eone money! w ww.kickstarter .com
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Oh hey, Honi 2011 editorial team. Date me.
EVERYTHING DONALD GLOVER/ CHILDISH GAMBINO DOES... The artwork of EGON SCHIELE
by NEADA BULSECO
Once you’ve had (good) sex, it’s nigh on impossible to fault the very action that is cause for our existence. It is lovely and brutal; an expression of potent passion that manifests in two bodies violently fusing. Sex is unifying, even beyond the standard congregation of two in the bedroom; it’s a fair assumption that nearly the entire world is united in an appreciation of intercourse. But one man harboured an unrivaled passion for it. Egon Schiele (Sh-ee-lay) was Gustav Klimt’s protégé, and one of the most sexually graphic artists of the twentieth century. His explicit depiction of young, nude women has tainted his name in many circles and left his work relatively unknown. But his talent is astounding; each of his works captivating. Every form he captures seemingly writhes on the canvas, invitingly seducing the viewer. His characters are endowed with an unabating beauty.
Schiele’s art has long been condemned for its “pornographic” content, and the artist himself admonished for his inclination towards pre-pubescent subjects. Many of his works are shocking, but the beauty beholden to the viewer will outlast the stigma held against the artist. Schiele portrays graphic content with such beauty that even the potentially most disturbing artwork, One Contemplated in Dream (which depicts a naked woman invitingly pulling her labia to expose her internal cavity), is celebratory. It is both overtly explicit and undeniably captivating in its beauty. Admiring his work, it is evident that Schiele was a fervent lover of the naked form. At first glance his drawings and paintings may appear pornographic with their unrestrained depiction of the physically most intimate, but look a little longer and see the reverent gaze of a man who simply honours the body. Or loves a good fuck.
Donald Glover is the all-round creative artist of the year. He was awarded the prize in 2011 by the Dandy Grazer Institute of ‘Glover for President’ (DGIGP). So naturally, everything this guy does turns to gold. There’s very little time to go into his catastrophically charming career, but there are two things which you must do immediately: source the TV series Community and Childish Gambino’s self-titled EP.
by ANDY FRASER
motivators, and applicably wise parables, without the cheap and annoying voiceovers. From his innocently sensitive Community character (just Google ‘Troy crying’), you wouldn’t guess the same guy would be delivering content so offensive it challenges even Tyler and his creations. Sure, his lyrics are obnoxious, but what Childish Gambino loses with offensive Community is everything a TV lyrics , he makes up for with show needs to be. It exhibits a inspi red beats, hooks and a voice defined plotline without pretention, that raps, grunts and croons characters bound by each other and a reality that isn’t dispensable. like a boss. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never liked hip-hop, you’ll Besides a relevant script delivered be crying, dancing and crapping by overly-competent actors your self all at the same time. (especially Glover), the best thing about this show is that it’s never afraid of itself. Meta without being Look out for the latest series postmodern and self-reflexivity that of Community (up to its third isn’t afraid of fucking up; it’s fucking installment), the new album camp releasing November this hilarious. Furthermore, if you’re year, and anything by Derrick worried you’re not learning life Com edy. lessons from your twenty minutes of finely tuned joviality, think again. NB. His twitter account reads Community has all the motifs, donglover… DONG LOVER.
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Why rare earth metals matter. If you were asked to list precious metals, what would they be? You might name platinum, gold and silver—the usual suspects. And if you know your metals you might add the lesser-known dysprosium, europium and neodymium to the list. No, I haven’t been puffing the magic dragon, or just scrolling to the bottom of the periodic table and selecting elements with funny name. These bad boys are rare, suckas. Alas, it’s likely that within five years demand for these metals will have outstripped supply. Trouble. This is a group of metals that are deeply integrated into the development of emerging technologies such as your pretty iPad, iPhone, or missile defence system. But, before I go further, the fundamentals...
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Rare earth elements consist of seventeen metals that exhibit unique magnetic, optical and chemical properties. Generally they are only found in trace amount and require significant refinement to be transformed into their metallic form. Once this process has occurred, they are primarily used in combination with other materials to generate alloys, ceramics, phosphors, glasses or magnets. You find rare earth elements in hybrid car motors, ultra high quality batteries, computer hard drives, MRI machines, laser glass, wind turbines, air filters, water treatment, pigments, fertilisers and nuclear energy. Prolific, yes? In 2010 the US Department of Energy released the Critical Materials Strategy, which brought together a staggering amount of existing
STRATTON POWELL-HUGHES discusses the moral cost of your mobile phone.
research and a significant quantity of data in order to evaluate the concerns surrounding rare earth metals. The key findings were that within the next 5-15 years, five of the seventeen rare earth metals would be at critical lows due to their importance to emerging technologies and supply risk. To illustrate the serious nature of this claim, an understanding of the supply and demand for these metals is necessary. But, in the interest of word limits, I’ll focus on just one metal: neodymium. Neodymium is most commonly used in the production of neodymium iron boron (NdFeB) magnets. China eats these; within the next three years China is expected to consume all the neodymium it produces. Given that China currently produces 97.3% of the world’s rare earths, there is clearly a problem here. Furthermore, wind turbine installations currently demand more than 10% of all neodymium produced and this is expected to grow at a staggering 25% per annum for the next decade. That’s no small feat. And if you compare this to the rate of production—a mere 8%—the magnitude is impossible to ignore. Such exponential growth is expected across the board for products that rely on neodymium. This is bound to impact the price of neodymium. In fact it already has; the cost is increasing faster than inflation in Zimbabwe; in the last three years the price has risen about 2300%, reaching $500 USD a kilo. However, strong demand is not the only factor driving up the price. While China produces the vast majority of the stuff, their treatment of rare earth metals is hardly in line with the dire future these metals will face.
Over the past five years China has reduced its export quota of rare earth metals by 60%. This, coupled with steep export tariffs, has put the market in turmoil. To top it all off, China has also quietly consolidated more than thirty rare earth producers into one central producer, a producer which is vertically integrated from extraction through to refinement and (you guessed it!) partly owned by the state. Oh boy, what a surprise. Or not. China is setting itself up for the future. Big time. Sure the stuff is valuable but the value is in the flow-on effects. Producing and exporting it means that China will be the only place manufacturing products with rare earth metals, goods they will ultimately be able to charge through the nose for. Well, at least that’s what they’re hoping for. To ensure China can’t keep playing funny buggers with the rest of the world, big changes need to be made. Not only does there need to be action taken to make untapped mine sites economically viable, but there must also be research into reducing resource intensity in products, recycling and the possible substitutes. The price is right to care about these products. Let’s just hope it’s not too late.
Your iPad was made from this!
“The vision of a champion is bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion, when nobody else is looking.” - Mia Hamm, former captain of American female soccer team.
These are your champions. Let their names go down in history. Check out these completed Build-a-Bears and Murderwords!
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Clockwise from left: Jackson Whitehair, Brad Mariano, Dom Campbell and Eric Shi show us how it’s done.
ARE ARTISTS ABOVE THE LAW? SHANNON CONNELLAN questions the limitations of art and artists.
An Archibald Prize winner and prolific Australian artist, Cullen will face court this week, and for weeks to come he’ll spark discussion of a classic(ist) question: is art above the law? The firearms were being used by Cullen to make artworks for an exhibition at Surry Hills’ Chalk Horse Gallery in September. The exhibition of paintings, titled Independent Judiciary (Mother’s Milk) and including such titled works as .22 Cal X were created with gunfire and aerosols. Essentially the guns were Cullen’s paintbrushes, and he’d even created a short video documenting exactly how the works were made. Aerosol cans are lined up atop a broken television, shots are fired from behind the camera and the cans explode their contents onto the canvas behind. According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Oliver Watts, the co-curator of his recent exhibition, described Cullen’s bullet-riddled work as ‘’not violently and passionately made, but safely; they are done on private property, with legal weapons, in a creative not destructive act.’’ Cullen’s lawyer, Charles Waterstreet, said Cullen ‘’artistically used guns in his work.’’ As far as gun licensing in Australia goes, you’d be hard pressed to find a loophole that permits gun ownership as an artistic tool. The Cullen case opens up one slippery slope of a debate: do artists have to follow the law like the rest of us, or is art an excuse? In some cases, artists have enjoyed both fingerpainting and freedom. US performance artist Chris Burden used a firearm in his iconic 1971 piece called Shoot. With the First Amendment on his side, Burden stood in a gallery and was shot in his left arm by an
instructed assistant, standing five metres away. New Yorker Andy Golub was arrested along with a pair of naked young women, who were both painted as if canvases. Public indecency charges were dropped and an agreement reached; Golub can paint bare breasts any time, anywhere, but the G-strings have to stay on until daylight goes out. The artist was able to take advantage of a handy loophole in NY state law, in which “any person entertaining or performing in a play, exhibition, show or entertainment” is exempt from prosecution over public exposure. And in Croatia, innocent gallery-goers were rather disturbed last year when they skipped merrily to the exhibition of Slovenian artist Marko Mandic at the country’s Museum of Contemporary Art last year. The exhibition turned out to be nothing more than Mandic standing in a room masturbating. Allowed to stand and play in his white cube gallery space, Mandic was not arrested. According to the local newspaper Jutarnij List the real artwork was the final ‘product’ of such activity. Yep. Yuck. Not all artists are covered by legal loopholes though. In March, Chinese artist Cheng Li was charged with pornographic and public disorder for having sex during a performance called Art Whore. The 57-yearold performance artist was sentenced to 12 months at a labour camp for the offence. Bafta-winning UK actor Chris Langham just finished serving 10 months for the possession of child pornography. Langham claimed in court that the videos were material he had downloaded to research and develop a character for an upcoming project. Detective Chief Inspector Paul Fortheringham slammed the ‘in the name of art’ defence, stating that “there is no excuse for downloading and viewing images of child sex abuse... The video clips found on Christopher Langham’s computer were a high quality reproduction of real children in real abusive situations. Paedophiles viewing images creates a demand which encourages others to continue abusing and hurting children.” And then there are artists who break the law because the law is just dumb. Graffiti and street artists find themselves constantly on the wrong side of the fuzz, with countless arrests made on charges of vandalism
Adam Cullen’s video footage of his “bullet-ridden” art. and trespassing worldwide. Legendary street artist Space Invader, famed for his mosaic street art representations of Space Invaders characters, was recently arrested on suspicion of vandalism, and equally notorious artist Shepard Fairey has been arrested 15 times. Shepard even found himself nicked at the opening of his retrospective at Boston’s Institute of Contemporary Art for putting his art throughout the city’s streets earlier. Street artists are constantly on the run from the po-po, but legally, this is all part of the game, and the artistic objective. But there are also those artists whose political agenda has seen them arrested for the art they create. Russian painter Alexander Shednov, aka Shurik, was arrested by the secret service in 2009 for depicting prime minister Vladimir Putin as a woman in a low-cut dress. Famously, Chinese artist Ai Weiwei was arrested earlier this year for “suspected economic crimes”, a loose charge believed to be a means to silence the beloved human rights activist. These artists fought the law and the law most definitely won.
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In July this year, Adam Cullen was pulled over on a stretch of country New South Wales road. Originally suspected of drink driving, the 46-year-old would later be charged with multiple firearm and weapons offences: possessing a prohibited weapons and unregistered firearms including a taser, a slingshot, a Wesson .357 calibre revolver, a single-barrel shotgun, a Ruger .22 self-loading rifle and a US carbine M1 .30 self-loading rifle. And drink-driving. The explanation? Cullen was simply making art.
Cullen will face court on Thursday for breaking the law for his art, unknowingly or not. It remains to be seen if art can serve as an ample excuse for offending, whether artists should be held to the same rules as the rest of us or whether expression enables legal leniency. Whether a not a precendent will be set, we know this: the courtroom, like a wellstocked pallete, is not black and white.
Infantile Paraphilia and me - my mission to 24/7 felix supernova returns to his roots. Paraphiliac infantilism is a practice that I am bound to by the loins. Quite literally, in fact. As you may already know, paraphilia is defined by Wilhelm Stekel as ‘a sexuoerotic embellishment of, or alternative to the official, ideological norm.’ After the American Psychological Association decided to drop terms such as sexual deviant for homosexuals and the like, us infantalists finally were granted the freedom we so rightly deserved. Our deviation, if you will, is embracing the apparel and behaviours of infants. A delightful power play betweens mums, daddies and sitters emerges when the all-screaming, all-shitting horn-bag babies demand the loving they so rightly deserve. Here in the West we are victimised, whereas our enlightened cousins in Japan have embraced the movement. Japan’s adult diaper market has hit 150 billion Yen per annum, or 1.89 billion Australian dollars, dwarfing the diaper market for actual infants. It’s been a long journey to get here, sitting at my computer in a pile of my own filth. It all started after a heavy night of drinking. I was strolling around, cradling my aching head, when I let slip an eggy fart that I’d been stifling. Unfortunately all those daiquiris had turned my faeces into a viscous, mucusy discharge. Embarrassed, I snuck into the nearest bar to dispose of my soiled underwear. As I peeled my dank drawers off, the Velcro-like resistance created by my peach fluff
butt hair against last night’s bubble and squeak drew my imagination to those glorious days as a youth again. It brought me to a place away from my hangover, away from the horrors of my desk on Monday. I started simply enough, buying those pacifiers ravers wear out clubbing and putting them on gold chains I could hide under my shirt. I ate baby food for every meal. I wore diapers to and from work but was scared to let myself go entirely, at least until I found some friends on diaperbook.com. Therein, “Sissykiss’ told me about going 24/7— the practice of un-toilet training yourself. I was immediately aroused, and slightly disappointed I couldn’t involuntarily shit myself out of joy—but that would come soon. The un-training process is simple enough in theory but decades of shame and involuntary clenching are hard hurdles to overcome. After a month or so I was without restraint. At first, it was a rush; I remember the time I stared my boss in the eye as a thin stream of urine turned into a rushing gush. He had no idea until the very end when I got the pee twitches and my eyes rolled backwards. Luckily he was discussing something about the petty cash finances and attributed my behaviour to boredom. After another month or so, the impracticality of the practice became apparent. The rashes I could hack— hell, they were a part of the experience. The stink is something most polite people refuse to mention in company so I was never publicly confronted. But there
This was the least provocative image we could find for this article. are some things you do because they are easy and some things you do because you love them. To this day I remain 24/7, while many of my contemporaries have given up the cause. Allow me to leave you with some of their humble opinions on this delicate craft of ours: Pandr Panda: “Before I was 24/7 it was fun, but now...” Draco Americanus: “I find wearing diapers 24/7 to be a freedom that can not be matched.” Chipper: “I’ve found that having to be diapered completely ruins any enjoyment you get out of being diapered.” Jimmy Lapine: “...enjoyment ... is as much [what is] in your head as it is in your pants.”
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LOVE SONG DEDICATIONS
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Seriously, it’s a wrench to stop. Editing this paper has meant so much to each of us personally that even just getting back to normal will be difficult. But we’ll manage, of course; the only thing that remains is to tell you ...
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CRAB CLAW
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Kieran Summers • Hannah Bruce • Hannah Ryan • Harry Knight • Kirsten Wade • Melissa Werry • Josh Pearse • Robert Chiarella • Samantha Hawker • Courtney Tight • Monica Connors • Adam Chalmers • Tom Hellier • Felix Supernova • Naazi Schonberger • Jess Stirling • Alice Moldovan • Matt Endacott • Shaun Crowe • Pat Carey • Alessandro Tuniz • Catherine Marks • Katherine Gregory • Reuben Stone • Carmen Culina • Jim Fishwick • Lauren Cavanna • Michael Koziol • Arghya Gupta • Steph Flack • William Mollers • Sam Hewson • Benny Davis • Mark Sutton • Sharanya Sekaram • Matthew Watson • David Perozzi • Angus Farrell • Chris Lemon • Gabriella Edelstein • Robbie Jones • Mekela Panditharatne • Symonne Torpy • Lachlan Carey • Drew Rooke • James O’Doherty • Jon Dunk • Patrick Magee • Amy Butterfield • Tim Scriven • Zoe Ferguson • Raihana Haidary • Emily Nathan • Tymon Langford • Tom Lee • Sorcha McGee • Armen Aghazarian • Max Halden • Jon Baker • Alisha Bhojwani • Jordan King Lacroix • David Mulligan • Luke Craven • Huw Watson • Eleanor Gordon Smith • Thomas Clement • Dominic Dietrich • Max Chalmers • Michelle Garrett Lane Sainty • Hannah Lee • David Mack • Serena Or • Nicholas Simone • Conor Bateman • Benjamin Veness • Michael Coutts • Annabel Wylie • Nick Findlater • Ciaran Magee • Rebecca Saffir • Edwina Hart • Cindy Chong • Ben Paul • Jaimie Hubner • Lawrence Delgarte • Marina Lourtchenko • Martyn Badoui • Hannah Morris • Caitlin Kenny • Maddie Parker • Luke Martin • Scott Brownless • Hannah Lee • Neil Cuthbert • Pierce Hartigan • Samuel Levens • Joe Smith-Davies • Daniel Zwi • Jim Fishwick • Yitzi Tuvel • Paul Ellis • Shami Sivasubramanian • Jack Gow • Harry Milas • Caitlin Griffith-Pescet • Cyrus Bezyan • Liam Connell • Ben Jenkins • Anusha Rutnam • Bridie Connellan • Naomi Hart • Henry Hawthorne • Joe Payten • Diana Tjoeng • William Haines • Nathan Harmond • Sebastien Hernage • Tina Kao • Amanda LeMay • Donherra Walmsley • Chad Sidler • Tim Matthews • Al Cameron • Nathan Li • Henry Kha • Claire Sullivan • Rhys Pogonski • Megan Batcheldor • Pat Massarani • Alistair Stephenson • Joss Engebretsen • Stephen B. Beevan • Samuel B. Movie • Chloe Paul • Annie Wylie • Ben Lau • Laurence del Gigante • Carl Recsei • Luke Craven • Tom Ballard • Alex Dore • Vivian Honan • Brad Mariano • Chris Salvo • Ehren Thompson • Josh Wyndham-Kidd • Elizabeth Schaffer • Bec Wright • Houston Ash • Theodora Chan • Nick Kelly • Zahra Anver • Chris Martin • Sir Nigel McNigelford • Old Man Hing • Sertanly Seral • Alex Vertoudakis • Elizabeth Cameron • Tom Harris-Brassil • Eugene Actor Sr • Travis Ash • Emma Bacon • Shelia Monaghan • David von Wesleyberg • Pierce Wilcox • Claire Nashar • Jobe Williams • John Gooding • Neil Campbell • Hubanta Tabootee • Bronte Lambourne • Kade Denton • F. Scott Dragon • Nick Kraegen • Harriet Gordon Anderson • Tom Cashman • Hugh Satterthwaite • Jon Jobaggy • Victoria Nelson • Brendan Day • Sam Jenkins • Jack Freestone • Julian van der Zee • Otto Wicks-Green • Bryant Apolonio • Robin Bland • David Allinson • Ivan Cheng • Vanessa Hill • Phil Roser • Nancy Lee • Sascha Nanlohy • Samantha Russo • Stephen Sharpe • Richard Withers • Gen Fricker • Doug Brown • Shaun Colnan • Michael Stamp • Gaston Gration • Stratton Powell-Hughes
Well, I suppose that’s it from us in Honi. It’s time to say goodbye, and tell ourselves sternly in the mirror that it is indeed over, we’ve signed off on the final page, that’s it, that’s all, no don’t look so sad, it’s a new beginning too, it’s just how things are, you’ll feel better soon ...
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