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honi noir v
THE TALES OF DEAD MEN SELDOM TOLD
THE campus is a hive. Jacaranda musk swirls around the false-facers as they smile and tell you it’s going to be alright, that everything’s in order. It’s my job to prove them wrong.
PROHIBITION reared its jagged head again this week as the Union strikers assaulted University patrons. Emerging in ones and twos from the shanties erected on the lawn outside the Vice Chancellor’s office, just silhouettes in the early morning fog, the strikers seized alumni and donors from a passing throng and were as ghosts, and the only signs of their passing were disembodied voices vanishing in the gloom. The donors were found executed in the basement of an ageing tenement house near Wentworth. Their last cigarettes had been crushed beneath their heels, small piles of ash
untouched by sympathy.
HE was a good man, an honest man. He was waiting for me in the office. I’d seen him around, and heard his footsteps receding through conversations overheard, slipping under the cracks of doors and spilling out of open windows into the early night. “You’re the Editor, right?” he asked me as I walked in, all five foot three of him barely filling out his faded blue suit. “An Editor,” I said mildly. “There are ten of us. Though there might damned well be ten thousand for all the good it would do.” “You know who I am,” he said. “Lionel DiMartino,” I said, “Campus Culture Director. Union dogsbody. And I’ve heard you have a problem that can’t be solved in a regular
fashion.”
He withdrew a gun from his jacket. I threw it a casual glance as I started the rusty IBM. He levelled it at me, his face ashen. “It’s not that kind of story,” he said, his voice cracking. “Now why do you have to go and do a thing like that?” I asked, watching a bar fill up, perpetual. “It’s a horrible thing,” he said softly, barely looking at me. “It’s a horrible thing, when they own your soul.” “Sounds like the Union is making deals above its station.” The gun wobbled. “Careful,” I said. “Some men think a gat in the hand means a world by the tail.” “But this time everything will be all right,” he said, suddenly feverish. “This time, I’m going to win — ” The shot tore through his chest and
killed him instantly. He choked on his final word. A murky figure darted away from the hole in the pane of the stained glass office windows, and he had vanished from the corridor before I could get a good look at him. I returned inside, poured myself a drink, and looked at the latest dead man I knew would soon be haunting my dreams.
DiMartino slept the big sleep on the floor of the Honi office. The IBM startup chime sounded. They always said he was a good man. An honest man. VC Michael Spence to students: “Remember that life is spent and consumed in dust and shadows. Remember that even the largest men are insignficant.” The students just stared at him, smoking self-assuredly. For theirs was the power.
LIVE BY THE PEN ...DIE BY THE SWORD
VENGEANCE is an ugly thing, the sort of thing that rattles a man to his core. I learnt it the hard way.
pretty hair white. What you’ve got for me is nothing new, so get outta here.”
***
She smiled. “Sounds like you’ve got something personal against the electoral process.”
It was only last week that I was sitting in my office, watching the world go by with a belt of scotch and a stogie, when trouble walked in my door in the shape of a buxom brunette. “What can I do for you?” I asked, handing her the stogie. “That depends on what you got,” she said, smoking it down to nothing in one breath. “That’ll be forty cents,” I said. Her name was Claudette and she worked for the University Electoral Commission. Strange. I didn’t know there was such a thing, not with the recent goings-on. “We stay quiet but we get the job done,” she sauntered. “But lately, well, there’s been a pinch of trouble.” She gripped my cheek between her thumb and forefinger. “Literal,” I whispered, handing her a book on electoral law. “You see there have been some strange practices around here as of late, and there’s little we can do about it,” she said. “We need your help.” I stood up. “Get used to it, sister. An election is no place for a dame or a gentleman. “I’ve seen circular logos, identical colour schemes, poorly executed flash mobs, inept voiceovers, negative campaigns that lack even basic perspective on what is and isn’t possible, victories from the worst out of bad fields that get over the line with coersion and exploitation of ignorance. Stuff that’ll turn your
She’d hit a nerve. I winced, sneered and spat out my gum. “Let’s just say I’m glad to have won the only student election I ran for.” “That how you got this job? If you ask me, P.I. shouldn’t even be an elected position.” “Hey, I don’t make the rules, I’m just good at the game.” My rivals were still bitter a year on; I was justified in my smugness. “Let’s cut to the chase.” She gripped my head between her silky hands. “They’re bringing in people from other campuses, people who don’t even go to uni, professional hacks who make it their business to knock people around, would step on their own mothers with cleats to get another mark on the bedpost.” “Bedpost, eh ...” I liked the allusion, and finished my scotch. “And what do you want me to do?” “Campaigns can get awfully rough. I could use a bodyguard.” “I don’t doubt it,” I said, eyeing her with a little more licentiousness than a man of my position should. All I knew is it was about time to get some of that sweet sweet editor pussy I’d heard so much about. “Deal.” She left her business card. I took the job, and so did she. But neither of us knew what we were in for. Not until the campaign bells rang.
NEITHER RAIN, NOR SLEET, NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT Dear Honi Noir, I have a case for you. I’m a leggy blonde with a past and a drinking problem, and my boyfriend hasn’t been paying rent on our Glebe sharehouse lately. I would provide recompense of fifty dollars a day plus expenses, as well as all the sexual tension you can handle. Does this sound ... agreeable? Yours, A dame (Arts II) Dear Honi Noir, I’ve been hit with the heebie jeebies. It’s giving me shivers all over, and my scotch has been slipping outta my tumbler on account of all wthis shivering. I can’t say where these heebie jeebies are coming from, but it’s causing quite a stir and I like my scotch shaken with ice then drained, neat. I can’t say I like this stirring, or this spilling. When I invited the blonde from across the hall in for a drink I was so parched I stuttered over her name. When I approached her from the shadows, scotch spilled in my lap, she seemed wary. She murmured something about the restroom before slipping out the door. I thought it odd at the time, until I looked down and saw a stain one might find on someone incontinent.
I should have known from her first look. I need these heebie jeebies sorted, and there ain’t no one that can help me but you. Tell me where these heebie jeebies are coming from, so I can sip my scotch without these shivers. I’ll pay you any sum. Mike “The Nose” Derusso
Dear Honi Noir, I too have a case for you – don’t ask me how I knew you already had one, it was just a hunch. I’m good with hunches. See, I’m living with this broad in an old rundown sharehouse in Glebe, down by the water naturally. She’s real nice, if you know what I mean: legs that go all the way down to the floor and would keep going if there weren’t a floor there to stop ‘em. Trouble is, she’s real clingy, and I can’t stand it no more. Keeps banging on about rent and essays, I’ve had it up to here! Whadda I do? Do I move out, or fob her off onto Tony de la Mersy from Commerce 206? You gotta help me out, man! Jonny Sweetwater
get ready! That ’s part one. Alright, goggles on! Heeeere weeee goooooo!
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Aaah, see you next time, Vor tex! Goggles off. Back to work! Man, I love this job.
TIOS INOH es ak l m e! al o m t is th nse se
WALC BARC
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Oh man, what a rush! Alright everyone, hit the showers.
21
ARIN G
Augury Palmerston • Dwayne Led-Foot • Everyone Raoul Sanchez • Queztalcoatlas • Clement MacGuyver • Boris Ladyfingers • Maude Travers • Mammoth Dave • Telos • Helios • Henwich OOP! Carruthers • Vertiline von Trasta • Richard Edward • Von Fordian • Wudge • Admutzik • Huguenot Monserrat • Montgomery Henleyson • Welsh Rarebit MacMahon • Charlotte de Lancey • Denis Quaid • Murderous Mike • Esmerelda de la Marey • Guinevere • Saint Nicholas • Llewellyn Aderyn •Ambrosios O’Malley • I, Claudius •Julio La Narque • Nina Bullscaro • Tom Walkman • Florence Rose-Paynes • Snacki Breen • Jane Collie • Bryony O’Connell • Mark Pritchardson • Andy Frasier • Sharon Connell • Brad Sidler • Bree Walmsley • Kieran Winters • Saint Lane • Charmus Maximus • Gareth Michelle • Hannah the Bruce • Josh Fierce • Tim Wishflick • Slam Dunk • Don Alejandro de Tuniz • Chris Melon • Jerome Farquar • Reuben Reuben • Lucille Haberfield • Sand Shrew • Hans unt Feet • Baudy von Papersnack • Miss Elliot Missy • Warrick Bagginspurse • Walt Whitman • Willard White • Cthulhu • Francis Ford Cupholder •Zalgo • Jacob Creek • Dawson Creek • Boom Bear •Jess Sterling Silver • Disco Jonnie • Biggie Smalls • Jennifer Lopez • Death • Old Man Badger • Seamus Pugg • Doo Lee Boo Lee • The Velveteen Rabbit • Randy Newman • Rebecca Severe • Cinda Rella • Martyn Badoui • Scott Pinkless •Edwart Heart • Sandy Chang • Paul Ben • James Hubcap • Laurence the Giant • Marian Courtjester • Martin Bad Wee • Morris Henna • Kenny Maitland • Mad Hattet • Martin Lukas • Brown Scotless • Lee Hannah Barbara • Nail Cartbert • Heart Pierce Again • Levitation Sam • Smith Joseph Davis • Daniel Zvi! • Jim Fishburn • Morgan Freeman • Saul Elvis • Sham Shibby • Jackathan Gowings • Harrison Mile-arse • Cait Lon Griffin Presskit • Cyrus “The Crazy Iranian” Bezyan • Flee-am Connelly • Sven Benkins • Heidi Shamellan • Nathaniel Trewlaney • Tobias Mackernseed • Sebastian Pullywoddle • Henry Hornblower • The Holy Crab • You Methem • The King of Tonga • Arthur Marx • Leonard Marx • Julius Marx • Herbert Marx • Daffy Duck • THE QUEEN. THE QUEEN. THE. QUEEN. • Booby McTits! • Busty Boobstown • Dick Thrust • Double Rudder • Bukkake Holocaust • Bukkake Supernova • Uncomfortably Close • Sextus Empiricus • Nelly • T-Pain • Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em • Sheridan Whiteside • Ja Rule • R. Kelly • Sasha Grey • Osama Bin Layed-Em! • Mrs Krabappel • Fur Coat Man • Thomas Edison • Daddy Warbuxx • Mama Short Legs • Little Short Legs • Professor Quine • Mikey Schpense • Mike L. Schpence-pence • The Princess Bride • Spencetastic • The Villainous McBride • Hedge Fund Boss • Kelly Clarkson • Killer BOB • Leland Palmer • Dale Cooper • The Little Man From Another Place • David Bowie • Big Oil B’Goyle • Ronald
TH
DEDICATIONS
Oh no, it’s that vortex again. Here it comes.
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