ASK DR. CARRIE

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Every month readers and clients ask me for advice about returning to the saddle after an injury. This month my answer comes through reflections on my personal experience of recovering from a broken hand.

Twenty weeks ago, I broke my hand while making a silly mistake competing on my horse. It was not a traumatic event and I didn’t even know it happened in that very moment. But it did, and I had to follow my detoured path, until now, as I am about to re-enter the show ring on my beloved and trusty horse, Wonder. I am excited and nervous. As I sit here on a Sunday afternoon in the midst of fire season and high winds, I have to settle my jitters and anticipatory emotions each time I think about the upcoming two weeks of horse showing.

Yesterday I had my final lesson before the show. This typically consists of a more challenging than usual course set by my trainer so that he can give me a taste of what I will experience when I get to the show. When it came time to jump, I felt activated but not exactly nervous. My trainer was pushing me to pay attention to what matters and relax with the rest. I am a focused and conscientious student, meaning I put everything I have into my lessons. I had moments of seemingly baseless fear and adrenaline surges, but I continued anyway. No stones were being left unturned! Although I wondered if my fear, inspired by lack of confidence, made me want to stop, I pushed through and had an excellent lesson.

My plan is to stay committed to my practice, so I can ride the waves of excitement, nerves, adrenaline, self-doubt, and bravery. I will observe each state and only engage with it with curiosity and question-thinking. If I find myself grabbing onto a state and spinning, I will

remember to return to non-judgmentally observing my process. When the narrative in my mind gets out of hand I will breathe in long, slow rhythm, repeat my barn arrival ritual steps to myself, and close my eyes while imagining the smell of the barn in the morning. And as always, I will keep meditating and practicing yoga so as to honor my mind and body.

H O R S E S H OW W E E K ONE REFLECTIONS Last week was tough. Getting back in the ring was way more challenging than I expected. I was blindsided by the shift I experienced between the warm-up ring and the show ring. In the warm-up, I felt energized and capable. The first jump or two seemed to dictate a confident energy. In the show ring, I was amazed at the intensity of Wonder’s focus, and at times this made me feel uneasy. He is such a professional, marching around the ring on the proper step from the beginning. But the proper step made me uneasy; it felt too big and out of control, causing me to pull, add strides, and generally micro-manage. Although the first two days felt awkward and out of sync, I thought I was putting it together one round at a time. But I unraveled during the second two days, leaving me wondering if I would ever get it back again. I heard myself saying things like, “I think I am just too old for this sport.” I felt overwhelmed by the challenge ahead and defeated overall.

Back in the show ring, I truly wondered if this was still the sport for me. I dug pretty deep to enter with a calm enough energy that I could focus, follow the plan, and trust… ” “

My kind trainer took me aside at the end of that day and placed his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eye. “Do you trust me?” he asked.

“Of course, I do. Why?” I queried.

“Then let’s start fresh next week in the back ring. Let’s give you the chance to jump lots of jumps and get used to the show ring again. We will start low and just keep going until you feel your confidence again. Okay?”

“Yes,” I said as I let out a sigh of relief. Although I still felt unsure if I could find my way back, I knew this was the right way to find out. I left for a couple days to visit my mom and returned with enough confidence to try again.

WEEK TWO REFLECTIONS My expectations were aligned with realistic possibilities. I considered this week to be a series of lessons in the horse show ring. On the first day I did a 0.90m round, and although it felt a bit harried, it was actually much more relaxed; and most importantly, I got down the lines in the correct number of strides. My micro-managing and adrenaline surges were settling. Next, I did a 1.0m round and it actually went quite well, resulting in a second place finish. The competition in the “back ring” was minimal, but the ribbon definitely gave me some much-needed reinforcement from the outside world. The week continued in this way.

My trainer asked if I wanted to return to the Grand Prix ring and jump the 1.0m there, but I opted to stay where I was comfortable and build from there. Progress over ego was my mantra! We finished second the next day and first the final two days. On the last day, I felt confident and composed. We did all the inside turns in the jump-off and won again, leaving us with the reserve championship in the open 1.0m division. Again, the ribbons were the support from the outside world that reinforced the step-by-step learning I experienced.

OFF-SEASON THOUGHTS Wow! What a journey this year turned out to be! Wonder and I went from winning a 1.25m amateur classic in the desert out of over 50 horse and rider combinations, to a broken hand, to recovery and re-entry into the show ring, with all of the trials and tribulations in between. Truth be told, I have supported many riders through injury, recovery and return to the show ring. They have ALL hit similar challenges and wondered if they should just quit. But I really thought my experience would be different. Silly me! Now I have come to see that questioning one’s ability to get it back is likely a part of the recovery process. This gives me a new perspective for supporting clients, as well as for my own personal process.

Back in the show ring, I truly wondered if this was still the sport for me. I dug pretty deep to enter with a calm enough energy that I could focus, follow the plan, and trust the pace needed to allow Wonder to do his job comfortably. I worked with myself as though I were my own client. I breathed, visualized, monitored self-talk, reminded myself of my deep love for horses, disengaged from ego repeatedly, and generally managed my nervous system. I am very proud of myself for hanging in there and persevering.

Here in the quiet of the off-season, I am taking three lessons a week. We are focusing on basics with small jumps and poles. I am getting stronger and my passion fires are burning a bit more brightly each day. I am aware of the fact that I will start next season back in the meters and slowly make my way back to the 1.20m and hopefully 1.30m. All things in due time. I intentionally stay focused on my own path, not the destination. I am getting stronger and the bond with Wonder continues to deepen. My gratitude for the opportunity to be on this journey is boundless.

Dr. Carrie Wicks divides her time between her private sport psychology consulting and family therapy practice, traveling with athletes, and writing. She completed her doctorate in psychology while researching the mental practices of equestrian athletes. Her passions include horses, yoga, mountain biking, skiing, and time in nature with animals. If you would like to ask a question for this column or ask about a complimentary Performance Strategy session, please contact Carrie. Carrie Wicks, Ph.D. | carrie@carriewicks.com | drcarriewicks.com