Fact or fiction: Das boot You’re fired – as Lord Alan of Sugar is fond of saying – is the last thing you want to hear from your boss, unless, of course, you hate your job. In this edition of fact or fiction, we have five ignominious career conclusions. Can you sniff out the fake one? No pressure, but your job is on the line.
1. Boris Johnson Britian’s lovable prime minister is a highly respected leader these days, viewed by most as a paragon of honesty and competence. But it hasn’t always been such. Back in the 90s, Johnson had a good little number writing rubbish for The Times, until he was defenestrated over allegations he invented quotes from his own godfather, the historian Colin Lucas, in some dreary article he’d spewed up. A few years later, he was somehow shadow arts minister, when, once again, some lies, this time about an affair, obliged Tory boss Michael Howard to dish him another sacking. We’re all taught that dishonesty is a rotten thing and no good can come of it. In 2019, Johnson became prime minister.
2. Piers Morgan Though once associated with illegal phone-hacking, supreme arrogance and general grotesqueness, Piers Morgan is today one of the UK’s most esteemed broadcasters. However, back in the 90s, the future nemesis of Meghan Markle was made editor of The Mirror, which he subsequently revolutionised from a not very good newspaper into an appalling one. The pages became flooded with celebrity dross (much of which was apparently sourced via unlawful means) and Morgan’s personal vendettas. But it was his decision to publish frontpage pics of UK troops allegedly torturing Iraqis that were soon exposed as fake that led to him being fired by
the Mirror’s board. The scandal severely damaged his career and he’s barely been heard from since.
3. Priti Patel Today, she’s perhaps the most admired home secretary of all time. However, before entering politics Patel was deputy manager of a Tesco Extra in Basildon, where her unorthodox methodology culminated in dismissal. In an effort to increase productivity and reduce staff absence, the death penalty enthusiast arranged for colleagues she deemed as slackers to be sent to the Outer Hebrides for two-month stints in tiny tents. Alarmed line managers were swiftly crushed and threatened with similar treatment. Eventually, with the store’s overall moral in tatters, profits spiralling and staff numbers dropping below six, she was forced out. Luckily for the UK, the episode only galvanised her resolve and she turned her passionate attention to government.
4. Steve Bannon Once seen as a nationalist lunatic with white supremacist leanings,
a hatred of immigration and, allegedly, an utterer of anti-Semitic remarks, the alt-right favourite is today considered a reasonable, thoughtful lover of mankind and all its beautiful diversity. Crowned CEO of the Trump 2016 election campaign because of his passionate fanaticism, the medievally-skinned lout slimed into the White House on the back of his boss’s ascension, where he acted as some kind of adviser, whose speciality was presumably unpleasantness and chaos. But a series of semi-incomprehensible run-ins with his similarly mentally negligible overlord – including, allegedly, advising the president to emit his famous “good and bad people on both sides” line in the wake of the deadly Charlotteville Nazi uprising – led to his dirty position becoming untenable.
5. Jeremy Clarkson The streaming TV favourite presents a show about farming these days (so I’m told) but, long ago, he joint-hosted a popular terrestrial thing about cars with fellow artistes, Terry Gerbil and Brian May. Forever cleaning up after Clarkson, his employer, the BBC, was finally forced to dismiss him after he punched an underling in the face, for failing to bring him some dinner. Though his frenzied supporters rallied behind him, the BBC remained firm, and the shamed star hobbled off to Amazon, where they ask no questions, and had to make do with an enormous increase in pay.
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Fiction: 3. Priti Patel
