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Having Difficult Conversations By MJ Saguid

The final invoice for your home repairs is higher than what your vendor quoted. The neighbor’s dog pooped in your yard – again. You need to address poor performance with one employee and inappropriate workplace behavior with another. Sound familiar?

Difficult conversations, many of us try to avoid them. Then, when we finally engage in the difficult conversation, it doesn’t play out as we had planned. Parties may walk away feeling hurt, angry, or resentment. The worst outcome is nothing gets resolved. In the workplace, it is important for those in management to receive support and training on how to handle difficult conversations because they take their toll on employees.

Whether in a personal or professional setting, how do you structure a difficult conversation so that all parties walk away feeling that they were heard and respected? Per Mel Robbins, an American host, author, and motivational speaker, your success in having difficult conversations will depend on your ability to separate your emotions about having the conversation, from the things you need to talk about and the outcome you desire. She suggests the following four steps:

Step 1: Acknowledge Responsibility

Start the conversation by acknowledging your responsibility for the situation. Whether you avoided the situation making it worse, or actively contributed to the situation, acknowledge the role you played.

Example: “I didn’t speak up in the lunch room when I overheard you making inappropriate comments. I should have said something right away to make you aware the topic was inappropriate.”

Step 2: Define the Outcome

Always go into a difficult conversation with the outcome defined first. Emotions may hijack you during the conversation, but having a defined outcome will help reel your emotions back in and keep you focused on why you are having the conversation. Example: “I’m having this conversation because I want to make our workplace better and am committed to having my employees succeed.”

Step 3: Listen and Validate

After you are done speaking avoid arguing and debating with the other person, and instead listen and validate what they are saying. Try to understand where they are coming from. This step is very important. When a person feels heard and validated, they will feel less of a need to defend themselves, and open themselves up to listening to you.

Example: “Oh, now I see why you thought it was OK to talk about that at work.”

Step 4: Restate the Desired Outcome

Come back to your desired outcome. The conversation will not be fun or easy, but keep talking until you reach the desired outcome.

Bonus: Rehearse with a friend

Find someone who is not involved in the situation and practice, practice, practice.