Curriculum guide (satire)

B y G eorgia G oldberg

Alright you asked for it, so here it is (for the second time): the Official Chronicle Curriculum guide. But I know a lot of you are sitting there saying, “Georgia, didn’t you do this very same article last year?” And to that I’ll say, shut up, nobody cares. But now, you’re saying, “Georgia, you didn’t take all of these classes, how could you possibly know what you’re talking about?” And to that I’ll say: wasn’t America, our great nation, founded on ill-informed opinions? And also, shut up, nobody cares.

English

English II: Read classic literature like the Sparknotes Frankenstein Summary & Analysis.

Honors Junior Seminar: You definitely don’t have a highly unhealthy emotional attachment to your English teacher.

Fanfiction Writing: The school finally gave in to the Harry Potter club’s relentless demands and created this class.

History and Social Studies

The Rise of the Modern World: The question is: how will your teach -

MonEy

* De nitely tip any waiters and delivery drivers 20% as a minimum.

* Venmo immediately.

* Splitting the bill is standard, but asking for separate checks is always okay, especially if someone orders more than everyone else.

er find a way to justify imperialism?

Honors US History: You’ll absolutely love this class — but only if your teacher is Tate Sheehy’s dad.

Honors US Government and Politics: Put your best suit on and ready yourself for the ultimate fight: The Woke Left versus The Fiscal Conservatives, Social Liberals (tickets cost three hours of homework).

Corequisite: an active Twitter account.

Interdisciplinary Studies

Middle East Studies: The Subtle Art of Bulls**tting Your Way to an A-.

The Ethics of Social Media: Yes, this is a real class at our school. I’m guessing it’s a front for money laundering. What else could explain it?

HW Media I-III: Grouping us

Chronicle elites with the lowly yearbook and broadcast kids is a TERRIBLE idea, so we’re just going to do these classes the way it should be:

Modern Journalism: Advanced Gossip and Cult Studies

Corequisite: hating yourself and loving endless work

Yearbook: I don’t know much about this class, but the yearbook kids are always talking about some book called “Holland My Heart.” Don’t know what that’s about.

Broadcasting: Because print media is dead.

Cinema Studies I: Introduction to Napping.

Prerequisite: Quiet snoring.

Cinema Studies II: I hope you hate movies directed by women!

Prerequisite: Sexism.

Ladders: This class is all about ladders.

Honors Topics in Computer Science: Single-handedly caused the Silicon Valley Bank failure.

Catalyzing Change: Entrepreneurial Thinking: Venture’s latest futile attempt at making a successful class.

Math

Calculus AB: Learn how to derive joy from your life.

[Joke credit: someone who did the mean tweets survey]

Multivariable Calculus: Ultimate Frisbee and Nonsensical Equations

Corequisite: a Harvard (or ed2 UChicago) acceptance letter

Performing Arts

Dance: Basically identical to Kate Hudson’s NYADA dance class.

Musical Theater: Awww cute, you think you can get a lead in the musical just by taking this?

Prerequisite: Understanding the Kate Hudson joke

Science

Chemistry: It might be hard for you, but everyone else thinks it’s easy.

Honors Molecular and Cellular Biology: The only thing scarier than Mr. Axelrod’s wolf howl ringtone will be your grade in the class.

Honors Physics II: I’m sure you appreciate Dr. V’s “teaching” style.

AP Physics C: Start canceling all your plans now. You already have a quiz to study for.