1 minute read
No Bitterness - Alex G
Everyone. So yeah, I’ll admit it: I’m a coastal elite. Only in LA can you buy a small plastic bottle of water for $6. Only in LA can you experience seasonal depression in 70 degree weather. Only in LA can you call feeling slightly congested seasonal depression.
As an LA native, I was raised to be an elite. Starting at birth, I was built to be superior to any Midwestern rube or country bumpkin. The doctors at Cedars-Sinai pumped Evian water and creativity-inducing psilocybin into my mother’s IV drip. Throughout toddlerhood, I was tasked with learning the juiciest Hollywood gossip
Advertisement
By Becca Berlin
to ensure I always had talking points when rubbing elbows with Hollywood’s nepoest of babies. In elementary school, my prodigy knew no bounds. I passed the California state bar examination, invented the Croc and won a Daytime Emmy. As I’ve grown older, I have been trained to be in the finest physique, eating a pack of cigarettes each day to stay in tip-top shape (as instructed by my unfortunately Greek nutritionist, Dr. Yanni Vourgourakis). I’ve become an expert in train conducting, a close friend of the HAIM sisters and wanted in the former Yugoslavia. I’ve mastered the didgeridoo and have only been canceled twice.
I’m far more cultured than the common American. I’ve been to London. I’ve eaten Korean food made by Korean people. I have very cosmopolitan shoelaces. The guy who pro duced Mo Bamba came to speak at my school. I have a diverse group of friends: some grown in test tubes and some made au naturel. I’ve met Judge Judy, Dolly Parton and that kid from “The Maze Runner.” And I have never been to New Jersey.
So now I’m worried about college. What if I meet people who are different from me? What if I’m forced to face a perspective from outside of my echo cham- ber of white guilt and political correctness? What if someone tells me anti-zionism is not anti-semitism? Worst of all, what if someone asks me to join their improv troupe? But then I remember I’m a coastal elite. I can handle anything —probably even college improv.
*Fact-checked by the Chronicle Opinion section.
