Iceni Columnist Keri Beevis

Things I Have Learnt Since Self-Isolating

The past few weeks have certainly been a strange and unsettling time, as we adjust temporarily to a new way of life.

Above: Keri Beevis

Though I am certainly not complaining, as I know the measures that have been put in place are to keep us as safe as possible.

Here are some of the things I have learnt since self-isolating.

1/ I am no longer naturally brunette. For years my brother and a few of my friends have nagged me to go dark again. You should stick with your natural colour they tell me. Well… brother and friends, it seems my natural colour is now grey with a healthy sprinkling of white. And what is it with the wiry texture? I feel like I have pubic hair growing out of my head.

2/ As long as my top half is dressed, PJ bottoms are now an acceptable form of day wear.

3/ I live with two fluffy poo monsters. I am not quite sure what Ellie and Lola think about having me at home full time. Lola seems to love it, but Ellie I am not so sure, judging by the way she sits and stares at me some days, as if to say, ‘what are you still doing here?’ They have certainly been using their litter tray more frequently, so I don’t know if they are trying to stink me out of the house.

4/ Fear of running out of toilet paper is certainly making me want to poop more.

5/ There are no longer days of the week, there is just day time (also known as coffee time) and night time (wine time).

6/ Judging by how my phone is buzzing more than my vibrator, my friends are really bored.

7/ I feel like Fred West when I am out on my daily walk, as people go out of their way to avoid coming close to me.

8/ Despite having 'the chat' with Ellie and Lola, they refuse to grasp the importance of rationing and being grateful for whatever flavour cat food they are served.

9/ The Walking Dead perhaps wasn't the wisest thing to watch, while on lockdown.

10/ I have resorted to making fish puns to the cats when I feed them.

Halibut some breakfast, girls? Oh cod. Look what I have found in your treat jar. You're dolphinitely going to want this. Is that a little tuna you're meowing to me? You girls are somefin else.

Whether you are self-isolating or one of the heroes working on the frontline, please stay safe and healthy.

My crime thriller, D For Dead is available to buy in paperback and Kindle now.

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