THE BEST THING YOU WILL EVER READ!!!!!!

By Ian Greenland

Having recently completed a career-reviving / cockroachshowering stint in the I'm a Celebrity... jungle, former Radio 1 presenter and all-round “funny man” (who's not actually as funny as most of your mates) Chris Moyles is back in the news.... or rather, was (this was written late December so he's probably long gone again by now). Whilst scrolling through my social media feed, a suggested post by no less than the THE INDEPENDENT newspaper proved just titillating enough to have me click through, clearly desperate to avoid doing whatever I should have been concentrating on whilst vaguely intrigued by the whiff of drama, despite my genuine indifference to all parties involved.

The headline read: Chris Moyles lashes out over Nick Grimshaw takeover of his Radio 1 show.

The accompanying photos of a ragged looking Moyles alongside a benign-looking Grimshaw suggested an epically one-sided meltdown... judging from Moyles' intense stare and harrowed expression, possibly even the use of a cosh or some knuckle-dusters or something.

Instead, the “article” detailed a time when, ten fucking years ago, Chris Moyles was left feeling “a bit cross” at being outed from the station. That's the full extent of the lashing. No shouting, no profanity. Certainly no knuckle-dusters or “Comedy Dave” administering a Chelsea smile. Rubbish. Waste of time sensationalism and hyperbole to draw eyeballs to a few paragraphs nestled between adverts for iPhones, online gambling and Amazon Prime.

And from THE INDEPENDENT??!

Apparently there wasn't enough actual news going on, what with global humanitarian and health crises, economic meltdowns and soaring costs of living. Obviously that stuff's all a bit depressing but it's still funnier than Chris Moyles. Especially Chris Moyles not doing something vaguely interesting... a decade ago. Admittedly a prestige paper forced to chase revenue through trash content and misleading headlines is proof enough that times are hard all around. Everyone gotta eat / stay relevant... even if that's via promoting irrelevance.

Welcome to CLICKBAITOPIA!!

Perhaps it's just a matter of time before The Financial Times is luring online users with the type of heaving cleavage thumbnails already synonymous with so much sponsored content.

Both Facebook (where I saw the suggested post) and Google say they are working to improve the online experience by eliminating this type of misleading, wilfully disingenuous content

If it's not a beautiful woman, perhaps it's a big red arrow pointing to something “YOU WON'T BELIEVE YOU MISSED” in the latest Marvel film. You missed it because it really doesn't matter. Or you didn't even miss it - you just didn't realise that until the end of the video because the linked image was intentionally misleading. Perhaps it's the photoshopped thumbnail promising an epic showdown between an anaconda and an elephant which never actually occurs in that 10 minute youtube vid of “14 craziest animal battles caught on camera”.

Sometimes the bait is just ridiculous. Your common sense tells you not to waste your time – the equivalent of spending an hour watching Ghost Detectives, UFO Hunters or Real Werewolves on some tragic cul de sac of cable TV. Surely if they actually found Bigfoot, Nessie or E.T. The world would've been informed by something other than a low-budget, bombastically-narrated hackumentary on the History Channel at three in the morning.... Nevertheless, morbid curiosity abounds and when the water is chummed so blatantly, you almost want to take a bite just to prove your cynicism well founded.... Also, it would be cool if they actually filmed a werewolf!

I recently screen-grabbed a suggested post which proclaimed: Andre the Giant's daughter is even bigger than him - she is probably the prettiest woman to ever exist. Wrestlers' children and where they are today. Beloved as he was, rocking the lycra as he did, Andre the Giant was still no Brad Pitt. It follows that even discounting our awareness of the sensationalist ploys of clickbait, most of us would doubt his “even bigger” daughter, towering as she must do above 7 ft 4 inches, could be the prettiest woman to “EVER” exist. You have to assume that whichever charlatan (or A.I. Bot???) cobbled together that headline, they knew it wouldn't, nay...couldn't be taken at face value. It got noticed though, which still takes some doing these days.

Despite resisting the urge to click on it at the time, whilst searching for the same post just now, I instead found a Reddit thread started by one intrepid user who'd detailed their heroic wade through the photo-addled listicle of celebrity spawn generated by clicking the original headline – they'd got 75 pages in, a mountain of popup ads swatted away and some no-doubt abysmal grammar regurgitated, yet nary a sniff of the colossal wonderchild in question. They weren't even wrestlers' kids featured, so more gonzo points lost. 75 clicks. Hundreds of ads. No lycra. Thank you for your service Reddit user genericscissor ; your sacrifice will not be forgotten.

Both Facebook (where I saw the suggested post) and Google say they are working to improve the online experience by eliminating this type of misleading, wilfully disingenuous content, penalizing the ranking of sites whose high bounce rates suggest they're tricking users into clicking through, although judging from the above, their net clearly has holes in it.... wait a sec, don't all nets have holes in? Why do nets have holes in??....

You won't BELIEVE what they caught when these 12 former child stars removed the holes in their nets. Number 8 will really shock you!....

..... CLICK .....

...... advert for boner pills.

Bettina, our resident foodie, offers her insider knowledge on plant based cuisine and takes us on a culinary journey as she travels

...and the much awaited day, Valentine’s Day will be celebrated on February 14. It is the day when lovers express their love for each other through gifts, greetings and expressions of

Valentine’s Day falls on Tuesday this year and will be celebrated by thousands of couples throughout the world. Valentine’s Day is preceded with the Valentine’s week, wherein each day of the week leading to February 14 celebrates love. The various days of the Valentine’s week are, Rose Day (February 7), followed by Propose Day (February 8), Chocolate Day (February 9), Teddy Day (February 10), Promise Day (February 11), Hug Day (February 12), Kiss Day (February 13) and finally the Valentine’s Day on February 14.

When most people think of Valentine’s Day, they envision a bouquet of red roses, a heartshaped box full of chocolates and perhaps even someone they love. And while that is what Valentine’s Day has evolved into, the romantic holiday hasn’t always been so sweet.

The exact history of Valentine’s Day is a bit murky, but some historians believe the holiday is linked to Lupercalia, a pagan festival that was held annually between February the 13th and February the 15th in ancient Rome. The festival was intended to purify the city and facilitate fertility, but it fostered ominous rituals, including sacrificing animals and beating women.

Over the years, the legend of St. Valentine took on new myths making February 14 the day for lovers. The most popular story is that he was secretly marrying Roman soldiers. Some historians, however, claim that no such ban on marriages ever took place. Another popular but unproven story is that St. Valentine fell in love with his jailer’s daughter while in prison. Before being beheaded, he wrote a love letter to her, signing it “Your’s Valentine.” We will focus on the love aspect! Here are some great recipes that little ones and grown ups can make for their loved ones.

MINI CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES WITH CREAM & BERRIES

These little gems are perfect portion sized chocolate cupcakes. Fluffy, soft and delicious dolloped with cream and berries. So simple to make and yet satisfying to taste and look at. These cakes can also easily be made gluten-free.

INGREDIENTS (makes 12 mini cakes)

FOR THE CAKES:

100 g (31⁄2 oz) vegan butter

100 g (31⁄2 oz/1⁄2 cup) soft brown sugar

200 ml (7 fl oz/scant 1 cup) plant milk (I like oat milk)

100 g (31⁄2 oz/1⁄2 cup) self raising flour (for a gluten-free version, use 100 g/31⁄2 oz/11⁄4 cups self raising glutenfree flour mix)

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar

1 teaspoon baking powder

6 tablespoons cacao powder pinch of salt

FOR THE CREAM TOPPING:

150 ml (5 fl oz/scant 2⁄3 cup) whippable plant cream (I like oat cream)

1⁄2 teaspoon vanilla paste or extract

1 tablespoon maple syrup

TO DECORATE: handful of berries (or fruit of your choice) and chocolate shavings

METHOD

Preheat the oven to 180°C (350°F/gas 4).

Place 12 cupcake cases in a muffin tray (pan).

Cream the butter and sugar together in a large bowl until soft and fluffy.

Add the remainder of the ingredients and mix to incorporate fully.

Using an ice-cream scoop, distribute the mixture evenly between the cupcake cases.

Bake in the oven for 12 minutes. Remove the cakes from the oven and set aside to cool.

They will sink slightly and may seem underdone, but that is how they are supposed to be.

To make the topping, whip the plant cream and then mix in the vanilla and maple syrup.

Once the cakes have cooled, top with the whipped cream and decorate with berries, chocolate shavings or other toppings of your choice.

Giant Chocolate Cookie

Who doesn’t love cookies? Especially a huge, chocolate-stuffed one? This cookie also only takes minutes to make. It has great wow factor and will make anyone instantly happy. You can play around with optional fillings and toppings according to taste.

INGREDIENTS

4 tablespoons aquafaba (liquid from tinned chickpeas)

160 g (51⁄2 oz) vegan butter, softened

80 g (3 oz/1⁄3 cup) caster (superfine) sugar

2 tablespoons dark brown sugar

170 g (6 oz/1 1⁄3 cups) plain (all-purpose) flour

6 tablespoons cacao powder

Method

1⁄2 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda (baking soda)

1⁄2 vanilla pod (bean), split and the seeds scraped out, or 1⁄2 teaspoon vanilla paste or extract pinch of salt

150 g (5 oz) chocolate chips (any type you prefer), with a few saved for the topping chopped nuts or sprinkles, to top (optional)

Preheat the oven to 180°C (350°F/gas 4).

Line a baking tray (pan) with baking parchment.

Whisk the aquafaba in a bowl until it is white, fluffy and forming soft peaks. This will take at least 10 minutes. I find an electric whisk makes this much easier. Set aside.

Cream the butter, caster sugar and dark brown sugar together in another bowl until soft and fluffy.

Add the flour, cacao powder, bicarbonate of soda, vanilla and salt, and mix well until combined. Then gently fold in the aquafaba.

Divide the mixture equally and then roll it between your hands to make two nice round balls of dough.

On a baking tray (pan), place the first ball on the baking parchment and press down to create a giant round cookie, 1 cm (1⁄2 in) thick and place the dough between two sheets of greaseproof (waxed) paper and roll it out with a rolling pin.

Spread the chocolate chips evenly over the top of the cookie. Make another giant round cookie with the other half of the mixture, and place on top of the layer of chocolate chips.

Seal the sides by pinching the top and bottom cookies together at the edges.

Add more chocolate chips, nuts or sprinkles for good measure. Bake in the oven for 12 minutes. Serve warm or cold.

FRUIT SUSHI WITH CHOCOLATE & STRAWBERRY DIPPING SAUCE

This is such a great little recipe to make with children. Not only is it delicious, but also easy to make, and it includes some great ingredients and colourful options.

The rice pudding can be made ahead of time – as can all the components – so all you need to do is put everything together before serving

INGREDIENTS

1 packet of rice paper rolls (10 sheet)

200 g (7 oz) fresh fruit (such as strawberries, mango, pineapple, berries, bananas and pomegranates) a few mint leaves (for a more grownup touch)

FOR THE RICE PUDDING FILLING:

150 g (5 oz/3⁄4 cup) sushi rice 300 ml (10 fl oz/11⁄4 cups) boiling water

1 tablespoon soft brown sugar

1 vanilla pod (bean), split and seeds scraped out, or 1tsp vanilla paste or extract

Method

2 tablespoons coconut cream

FOR THE CHOCOLATE DIPPING SAUCE:

1 bar of your favourite chocolate bar (melted)

1–2 teaspoons coconut oil

STRAWBERRY DIPPING SAUCE:

200 g (7 oz) strawberries, destemmed

1 tablespoon coconut oil dash of maple syrup (optional) sprinkle of vanilla seeds from a split vanilla pod/ bean

(optional)

To make the rice pudding, rinse the rice thoroughly under cold water and add to a saucepan of already boiling water. Stir frequently until the rice is cooked. When the rice is soft and the water has evaporated (about 15 minutes), add the sugar, vanilla and coconut cream, and mix well. Simmer until the rice mixture is nice and thick, about 5 more minutes. Remove from the heat, replace the lid on the pan and set aside to cool down fully. To cool more quickly, transfer to another container. Once the rice pudding has cooled down completely, you can start preparing the fillings. Think of these as sushi rolls, which means you need to cut your choice of fruits into strips where possible – you can leave pomegranates and blueberries whole, for example, and just slice the strawberries.

Now for the assembly. Add enough hot water to a large, round plate or a vessel larger than the rice paper sheets, so you can dip/ cover a full sheet.

Dip the rice paper sheets one at a time in the hot water for a few seconds only, to soften.

Place the sheets flat on a clean surface and add a few slices of fruit to the bottom that way you will have a lovely fruit pattern and a few tablespoons of the rice pudding mixture and some strawberry slices (or your preferred fruit) to the middle. You can also add a few sprigs of mint (although children might prefer their rolls without).

Make the sushi roll by folding the edge of rice paper that’s closest to you over the filling, then fold in each side and finally fold the furthest edge in towards you (just like folding a burrito). Set aside on a separate plate. Repeat for each individual roll.

To make the chocolate dipping sauce, melt your favourite bar of chocolate in a bain-marie. To make the sauce runnier, add 1–2 teaspoons of coconut oil and stir through the melted chocolate. To make the strawberry dipping sauce, blitz the strawberries and coconut oil in a high-speed blender. The oil emulsifies with the strawberries to form a lovely, creamy, light dipping sauce. Serve the fruit sushi on a big platter, either whole or cut in half, along with the two dipping sauces.