Idaho Relatives as Parents

from Idaho Family May/June 2021

Dermatology update

Helping those who are helping family

By Gaye Bunderson

Previously in the Treasure Valley • Papa John’s contributed pizzas. there existed a support group called • Jump Time allowed the kids to Grandparents as Parents. It actually come in and enjoy its amenities for still exists, but it now operates under free. a different name: Idaho Relatives as Parents. • Churches stepped up in any Current secretary of IRAP, Charlye Hahn, way they were needed. Through explained a number of people were not churches, Christmas gifts were given getting the support they needed because, even to 80 children last year, while at the though they had taken in relatives’ children, same time, an area philanthropic they weren’t the children’s grandparents. group provided dinner for all the Sometimes they were aunts, uncles, and families. others. • A church women’s group gave an

Charlye, along with her husband, took in individual who had taken in her her twin great niece and nephew – Austin five grandchildren donations of and Aubrea – when they were 3½ and their mother left them in favor of the lure of drugs; they are now 22 and doing quite well, thanks Tammy Creswell has been looking after her granddaughter, Paisley Turner, since the child was 4 years old. Said Tammy: “We lost her mother (my daughter) 3½ household cleaning items, gifts, and a new microwave to replace her broken one. to the Hahns. years ago. Paisley is such a treasure and • Another area charitable

But Charlye (pronounced ‘Charley’) we love her dearly and we had a blast organization provided gift cards admits her first reaction to taking in two very at Jump Time that day.” Jump Time to 35 families. young children was not in the affirmative. “I allowed members of Idaho Relatives as • The Wardrobe supplied quality originally said no,” she admitted, “because I have four grandchildren older than the twins.” Parents to come and enjoy its amenities for free. (Courtesy photo) clothing to all the foster youth. In all, IRAP helped 35 families

Her own biological children had grown with all kinds of needs in December up, meaning she would have to backtrack of 2020. The numbers fluctuate considerably on rearing toddlers. Plus, Austin was non-verbal from month to month, but the need is significant. Charlye said and remained that way by at least age 4½. It wouldn’t be an unapologetically, “I want donors. I want more businesses to exercise in merely raising the kids but also giving extra special come on board. I’d like an email list I could use, so if there is a attention to Austin to help him acquire speaking skills. But her need I could reach out to someone who has volunteered and is heart soon motivated her to respond with a yes. The kids came able to help. to live with Charlye and her husband, and the Hahns became “We have a fantastic support group, but Covid put a damper what are called “kinship providers”. Ultimately, they adopted the on our forward momentum.” twins. IRAP has a board. Officers include: Mike Ball, facilitator; Toni

Charlye has been involved with IRAP for about 6 to 7 years. Jones, co-facilitator; Sheila Myers, treasurer; and Charlye in her The non-profit changed its name in 2014 to accommodate role as secretary, at present. All the board members have served relatives other than grandparents who were taking in the kids of in the relative-as-parent role. The non-profit also has an advisory other family members, whether through the death of the parents board. or dereliction of parental duty by the children’s father, mother or IRAP maintains a private Facebook account; to access it, both. interested people may email IRAPTRVY@gmail.com to get a

“Cousins have taken in cousins’ kids,” Charlye said. link to the account. Information may also be obtained through

Child Protective Services is sometimes involved in the extended Idaho CareLine 2-1-1. Go online to 211.idaho.gov and read family arrangements, but frequently it is not. However, the the following about IRAP: “Idaho Relatives as Parents is a children are legally considered foster children until and unless an community of grandparents and other family members who are adoption takes place, even though they’re living with relatives. raising a relative’s child. ... If you are one of the 10,000 kinship

The caregivers are eligible for $309 a month through a relative care providers in Idaho, you are not alone and there is support grant fund from the state – and that’s the standard amount no available for you in the community.” matter how many kids have been taken in. “It doesn’t go far,” “Come to a meeting and there’s no judgment,” Charlye said. Charlye said. “We welcome any person with open arms. It’s one safe place that

Some businesses, organizations, churches, and individuals have you can feel comfortable in. We always have Kleenex. Tears are pitched in in various ways. To name a few*: okay – happy tears or sad tears. We support and cry with one another.”

She said some people have no pity for grandparents and others taking in family members. They say, “You chose to do it,” to which Charlye replies, “Yeah, they did. But those of us in IRAP get it. We know what they’re going through.”

She said another area of contention with people who haven’t walked in their shoes is this attitude: “Why should you parent your grandchildren when you did such a poor job raising your own children? If you’d done better, your son or daughter wouldn’t be on drugs or in jail and they’d be taking care of their own offspring rather than you doing it.”

One of the best things a person can be at an IRAP meeting is understood rather than judged.

Members have fixed meals and taken them to fellow IRAP’ers who needed them; they’ve given extra beds or dressers, or sat with the kids while the adults had a Date Night.

Charlye wants to publicize the non-profit more and has undertaken an IRAP rack project to put cards about the support group in dentists’ and doctors’ offices; and she’s ready to tell fellow members to put the cards everywhere they go.

“I believe people will step up if they know what the needs are,” she said.

Regarding taking in the twins, she said: “It was a ministry. I could teach the children, or the children could teach me. And the children taught me things, like patience or a new parenting skill.”

A relative-as-parent can’t always use the same set of parenting skills on the newcomers as they did on their own kids. It’s a different paradigm, and different kids. “You have to stretch and find other ways because there’s more than one way.”

Even as she was taking care of her great niece and nephew, she was learning and growing too, sometimes realizing, “The lesson is not for the child. It’s for me.”

To learn more about IRAP, go to Facebook or contact Charlye Hahn at harlyehahn@teachers.org.

*Many other churches, businesses, organizations, and individuals pitched in to help out Idaho Relatives as Parents during Christmas 2020. Many will be needed this year also, as well as throughout the year. Contact Charlye if you want to help out.