It’s Okay to Be Human
I’m Sorry
The hardest part about parenting is that it is constant, meaning it is easy to get worn out. There are times when the tension runs high and stress gets the best of us and we lash out at the people closest to us including our kids or we make a decision when we didn’t have all the information. Long story, short— there are time when you are going to need to apologize to your child. It can be scary to be vulnerable and “human” in front of your kids by apologizing and admitting fault. But it’s also one of the most important ways you can form a healthy relationship based on mutual respect. One of the most common mistakes parents make is attempting to maintain an aura of parental perfection, fearing that kids will use mistakes against them later or won’t respect their authority. Kids need to understand that sometimes even parents make mistakes, and that you’ll take their feedback and feelings into account when you make an error or treat your child unfairly. They also need to understand that their feelings are important to you and that they can talk to you without fear of reprisal.
If you forgot to read that bedtime story or overreacted to a situation, you will do more harm by not owning up to the mistake and trying to make it right with your children. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent-just a parent who respects his or her child enough to say “I’m sorry” when mistakes happen. Apologizing when you’re wrong builds trust with kids by letting them know that you’ll stand firm when they need to be corrected, but that you’ll also level with them if you’re mistaken. Suspicion, resentment, and mistrust can easily develop if kids see a pattern of “sticking to your guns” even when it’s clear you’re not correct or that you have treated your child unfairly. Children are also less likely to apologize themselves, even when they know they’ve made an error, if concealing mistakes and refusing to acknowledge errors is the norm. Build a foundation of respect and trust with your child by taking responsibility when the error is yours.
Modeling behavior is especially important when it comes to apologizing to your child. It’s not easy for adults or children to get vulnerable and admit to a mistake. But seeing your example of bravery and vulnerability will give kids the courage and the model for apologizing themselves when it’s needed. Self-protection is a powerful human drive--but it’s not always to our benefit. The memory of how it feels to hear a sincere apology from a parent can be just the boost kids need later down the line to admit fault and make their own apologies even if they’re afraid of the consequences.
Additionally, most parents have instructed their child to apologize and got the ironic or snarky, “Sah-rry” response from their child. Teaching by doing will be a much more effective way of teaching your child how to apologize sincerely and effectively.
While apologizing to your child can feel scary and uncomfortable in the moment, think of it as “failing forward.” Mistakes, errors, or human failures are part of life--but by addressing them appropriately by apologizing to your child, you’ll move your relationship forward in a positive direction. Why? Because when you apologize to your child, you actually strengthen your bond by validating your child's feelings and teaching them that mistakes are okay as long as you take responsibility and learn from those mistakes. Apologizing also helps you and your child move forward in a stronger relationship by helping your child see you as approachable and trustworthy. In other words, when your child makes a mistake or is having trouble, he or she is more likely to come to you. Apologizing is hard for everyone--parents and children alike. But the rewards in building a respectful, strong relationship with your child, and in helping your child learn the tools to succeed in life and relationships couldn’t be more important.
No matter how old your child is, it is important that they trust and respect you. When you apologize, you acknowledge their feelings of frustration or disappointment and give yourself an opportunity to explain. Kids, especially teenagers, struggle to empathize with other people’s feelings. Apologizing gives you the chance to share your feelings with your child so they can understand how their behavior affects you. It also helps you better understand your kids’ attitudes, ideas, and behavior. Children and teenagers learn respect from their parents. By apologizing to your child when you make a mistake you teach them that you respect them. Therefore, they learn to respect others. Telling your kids that you’re sorry also tells them that they are important to you and that their feelings matter. This is important to smaller kids and teenager alike. When kids feel validated, it makes them feel safe to come to you in the future. A sincere apology teaches kids at all ages right from wrong. Apologies create open relationships between people. When a relationship is hurt and then repaired, deepens trust and communication. When a parent takes responsibility for their mistakes it teaches children, even toddlers, to take responsibility for theirs.