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RELATIONSHIP BOREDOM: Fatal or Curable? by Marwa Rakha

Usually in strong standing, long- lasting relationships, comes a phase of extreme stillness and boredom that stems out of the mundane routine called ‘life’. At this point in time, relationships get tested. Are they strong enough and in enough synergy to get over this critical phase, or will the couple give up on each other because it’s no longer fun, interesting and entertaining?! Here’s a tough question for the one who always has our backs when it comes to relationship advice, Identity’s Relationship Expert, Marwa Rakha.

When does this boredom phase usually start making its way to a relationship? There is no one specific timing when boredom erupts in a relationship; here are a few known and noted “boredom phases”:

1. Right before the couple commit to one another They have been flirting, hunting, chasing, playing hide-and-seek, and getting to know one another. Right before they commit, one of them, or both of them, feel bored. This boredom is doubt in disguise. They are simply unsure.

2. Right before an official step They have been dating steadily, and a step is expected; a proposal, a ring, meeting the parents, engagement, or even, marriage. Right before “the step”, boredom might creep in. This time, it is fear- of-commitment in disguise.

3. Stagnant relationships They have been dating for what seems like forever; three, four, five, or seven years. Literally, nothing is happening. Stagnation kills relationships. Looking forward to getting engaged, making a home, living together, adopting a pet together, having a kid together, growing up together, etc. – when a couple does not grow and evolve, their relationship, naturally, withers and dies. They think it is boredom but it’s actually a standstill.

4. Losing focus This is seen a lot after marriage. The couple, or one of them, loses focus; they no longer know what brought them together. They no longer share a vision, a future, a dream, a hobby, or even a meaningful conversation. They grow up in different directions, and eventually, end up apart. 5. Rightful boredom This is the only case when boredom is simply boredom. After the lust and attraction fade away, there is nothing in common to keep them together. They feel bored and they break up.

How can a couple drift the wheel from their way to boredom and losing interest to the way of flirting and spicing things up like they just met? Depending on the type of boredom that hit the relationship, a couple can stir the relationship back in the right direction.

If boredom hit right before they committed to one another, they need to just let it be. It is a high wave and they need to duck down. Resisting it will turn their boat overboard. If they are truly a match, it will pass, and they will be attracted to one another again.

If boredom hit right before an official step, they need to talk. Maybe one of them is not ready. Maybe there are reasons and justifications. They need to be open and frank about their feelings and needs.

If you are bored because you are in a stagnant relationship, the obvious step is to move on. Doing something together that would bring you closer, and strengthen your bond is the best advice I can offer.

If you are married, and are losing focus, you need to work to remember why you are on this journey together. Remember your common dreams, goals, and needs. Do not just look into the past, when the two of you first met, because you are no longer the same people. You need to rediscover yourselves and redefine your goals and vision for your future together.

If you are in the wrong relationship, and boredom naturally happens, any effort you do to revive that relationship would be an equivalent to bribing your partner into staying with you; more outings, more romantic dinners, more wild sex, and more gifts – these are all bribes and desperate attempts.

Do things really go back to the way they were before this dull phase? Expecting things to be as they were before is unrealistic. If a relationship survives boredom, the couple grows and matures just a little bit more.

Expecting the butterflies in the stomach, when you have been together for more than six months, is not realistic. But looking forward to hearing your partner’s stories of how their day went is more real.

Expecting sex for the tenth time to be the way it was the first time, is ridiculously funny. It might not be as exciting, but it will certainly be more intimate.

Sometimes, the problem is not with boredom; it is with our expectations that mislead us into a false sense of boredom.

For a couple to be happy together, they need to accept aging as a natural event in their relationship.

Is there, by any means, a set of precautions that a couple can take to avoid –from the beginning- finding themselves stuck in this tedious phase? There is no way to avoid wrinkles and grey hair. There is also no way to avoid feeling bored in a relationship.

The worst thing that could happen in a relationship is taking your partner for granted. When a person takes the other for granted, they stop listening, stop showing care, stop working on a relationship, stop talking about their feelings, stop thinking of the little things that would make their partner happy, stop going out of their way, stop sharing their dreams and daily details, and eventually, the relationship stops evolving and it dies.

Think of it as someone who has a lovely mango tree in their orchard. The tree is leafy, blossoming, and about to bloom, when that person takes the fruits for granted.

“It will bear its fruits, as usual, in the summer,” he says. Then he no longer waters it on schedule, no longer fertilizes the The tree will not drop dead all of a sudden; there will be subtle signs that the tree is suffering; leaves with yellow spots, leaves falling, blossoms dying on the stem, fruits that are not growing, and more unhealthy signs that go unnoticed.

That person has no clue that his tree is not going to bear any fruits in the summer. He thinks that by occasionally throwing in a bucket of water and adding nutrients to the soil, he is doing his best.

But occasionally taking care of your partner, or occasionally talking about your relationship, or occasionally showing that you care, would not save a relationship from boredom, and eventually, dying.