Prune & Bloom

WITH ALISON BARINGER, CFEE

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

I am an achiever by trade. You can bet if I make a to-do list, it’s going to get to-done. I have high expectations for myself (and others; sorry - friends), and just naturally feel immense disappointment if I don’t hit a goal I set. (Unless of course it’s that goal to lose weight and tone up. WHY is that one SO HARD, am I right?!)

I blame part of this characteristic on my dad. He instilled in me a sense of work ethic like no other. This man worked two jobs most of my childhood. Midnights at a factory, and then drove a school bus during the day. Once he retired from the factory, he then was a custodian at nights, still driving bus during the day. Later in life, he was a tour bus driver, a Brinks armored-security truck driver… this man had more retirement parties than anyone else I know. We started to joke that he started new careers just for those retirement parties.

This work ethic of mine, coupled with my type A personality, makes me a high achiever and hard worker. Oh, I am also a perfectionist as well. You might think this trifecta makes me a bundle of stress. And, it often does. Uncompleted projects or goals put this weight on me that sometimes is only relieved with a good run, good bottle of wine, or good dance party.

In some ways, this is a good problem to have. It makes me an incredibly reliable and valuable employee. It makes me an all-star community citizen volunteer organizations can depend on to help move the needle. It lays a good foundation for being a good friend.

But y’all - this trifecta doesn’t know when to turn off. These high expectations I put on myself, on small goals I make in my “down time.” Goals like, “Sunday I will mow the grass.” Or, “This weekend I will read 150 pages of the book I’m reading.”

“Great,” you say. You lead a very productive life, both inside and outside of work! And I do. I’ve experienced so much and have become a very well-rounded person.

It is also exhausting. And adds unnecessary stress to my life. And doesn’t always allow time to “just be.”

So let me tell you a little sneaky secret, something I did to flip the script - slyly. This year, I made a goal to fail at achieving. A goal to fail at crossing off my to-do list.

So now, anytime it doesn’t make sense for me to push myself to “finish” something - I can shift my perspective and remind myself I am actually achieving this self-development goal of EASING UP. (I mean really - what difference does it make if I finish a book this weekend, verses next week?)

Special note to some less high achievers out there - this theory/reverse goal plan may not work for you. I have this innate desire to accomplish, and it’s HARD for me to let go of a daily goal I set. Hard like this constant struggle, push and pull to finish what I set out to do or just relax. If you don’t have that inside of you, if your natural go to is to do nothing…well this idea just reinforces nothingness and you may never accomplish anything again. But for me, I need to push myself to rest. These past three years I’ve needed rest more than any time in my life (including my stint with mono). Emotional trauma is no joke, y’all. Processing a divorce and processing your father’s death at the same time is quite the load. The two men in your life. Leaving you. Your past, and your future. Poof. Gone. At the same time.

You may not notice you need the rest. You do everything right; everything you know to do to cope. You read great books on death and divorce. You exercise. You start watching what you are eating. You practice yoga. You add meditation to your day.

My friends, you do need the rest. You need time, quality time, to recover. Not just moments scattered throughout the day, but real time to just be. For high-achievers like us, this is hard. “But I could be painting while watching this TV show.” “I should really finish this book instead of napping.”

The high achiever that I am, I decided in 2020 I was going to try to write my first book. Writing a “memoir” style book was something I had been tossing around in my mind for a few years now - I even had a Note in my phone with all the experiences and stories and life lessons I wanted to share. The divorce, my father’s death, the pandemic…wow had life given me lots of additional content for this book just in the last two years alone.

I had heard about the NaNoWriMo November writing challenge, and even had a few friends participate. It’s a novel-writing challenge, where each day in November you had to write 1,600 words a day. The goal is to have 50,000 words by the end of the month, of a brand-new novel.

This sounded HARD, even during a pandemic. I was using November to get back into the book The Magic, which is a daily gratitude challenge, with lots of writing and reflecting. I was trying to work out more. You had Thanksgiving. And my birthday. And it was the first of both of these without my father. I had a friend coming to stay with me, and a quick visit to Savannah.

I decided to give it a try though. I had two friends who were also doing it, so there was strength in numbers and accountability partners. I downloaded a program to help organize my writings. I started a few days early; downloading the program and inputting the story ideas. I made a few modifications. I chose to write my memoir, not a novel like the challenge was intended. And, I was only setting a goal to write 1,000 words a day. Look at me - the underachiever!

Week one - HUGE success. I could already feel myself being lighter. Who knew writing was so therapeutic?! (All writers and psychologists know this.) The first day I focused on editing and re-reading my work…but from day two onward I just wrote. I just wrote to get it out. Editing could come later. And the words flowed.

Week two - still at it! I was loving this! I had a nice little morning routine; writing, doing my Magic gratitude practice, walking or running my dog. I was loving my morning life!

Week three - started fine. Then that weekend and into week four -uh oh. Vacation - days completely filled enjoying and exploring Savannah. My friend staying with me for a few days. Thanksgiving. My birthday weekend. Decorating for the holidays. Yikes. I missed 10 whole days. Ten!! That’s 10,000 words!

I had visions of catching up. I could write 3,000 words a day; I could! I had a long weekend. I didn’t have too many plans. I had to catch up. I couldn’t fail at my goal. I could DO this.

But - I didn’t want to.

That goal, that expectation…it started weighing on me heavily. WHY?! Why did it matter if I wrote exactly in the time frame I had set out to do? What harm would it be to take a short break? It had been Thanksgiving week. It was my birthday. I had a friend in town…didn’t I deserve that break, and need that rest, too?

I slowly have started discovering that what I truly need is grace. Grace for myself as it related to self-productivity. Why was I constantly pushing myself SO HARD?! These unrealistic expectations to always be moving, always completing, always accomplishing…they are only in my life because of ME. I have put this weight on my own shoulders.

I imagine there is a ton to unpack here psychologically, and I am confident I am not qualified to do it. What I do feel is that it is in my nature, my very being to always be thinking about “what’s next” in my life, my year, my month, my week, my day, my hours. At my core I know there is so much to see and do and experience, and from my project management skills I know time can fly by and escape us. I’ve read countless self-help books and business books about time management. “168 Hours - You Have More Time Than You Think” by Laura Vanderkam is a great source to jump start your productivity.

Y’all. I’m writing right now about giving yourself grace for rest and down time and I literally just quoted a book on increasing productivity. What is wrong with me?! In lieu of an all-out therapy session, let’s just say I like to be productive and accomplished and there’s probably some messed up craziness behind it I’ll need someone licensed to help with.

Now back to grace, and rest, and being. And to put it into words my achieving heart can understand, a goal to fail my to-do list. I started really thinking about those 10,000 words I had failed to write. There were no immediate threats to my life or my long-term goals if I let these words go. If I gave myself grace for that week and just failed that item on my to-do list. So I told myself, “Let it Go.”

And you know what - I’m still alive! I re-adjusted my sails and decided to take the NaNoWriMo Challenge into December. My goals had served me well in jump-starting a habit of writing; I had successfully re-discovered my love for the craft. And I had also granted myself grace.

A month ago, I reconnected at lunch with a friend - another powerful, spiritual, kind soul who had also had a pretty horrible year. Same sort of circumstances - husband separation, death and illness in the family. She recounted a story in which, prior to her separation, she had been complaining to her husband about some minor business issues. Nothing major - mainly slight irritations and desire to make herself even MORE successful (she was already a rockstar). She became animated when she got to the point of her story… how now, looking back - she screams, “Who cares?!” It was the manner, the forcefulness, the heart of her continuing to scream, “Who cares?!” at me that really was impactful. Indeed. WHO. CARES.

At the end of life, you aren’t going to care if your business was irritating at times. At the end of life, you aren’t going to care if it took you an extra week to write some words on a screen.

Part of me, on a deep psychological level, is still a little bothered with my push for success. Even my *not so sneaky way of setting a goal to fail…well, it’s still setting a goal and I still get to say I succeeded in that goal, even if I let another goal go. A therapist would probably say this is messed up and I have deep success, desire for accomplishment issues. The more I write about this, the more I would agree. I suppose I should work through these issues a little more, and maybe someday I will.

But for now? WHO. CARES?!

Alison Baringer, CFEE is the Executive Director of the North Carolina Azalea Festival. She is a Leadership Wilmington graduate of 2013 and was President of the Junior League of Wilmington in 2014-2015. In 2019, Alison was selected into the inaugural class of the WilmingtonBiz 100, an initiative of the Greater Wilmington Business Journal to recognize the top power players, influencers, innovators, and connectors in the region. The Star News selected Alison as a Top 40 Under 40 business leader in 2020. Alison currently serves on the International Festival and Events Association (IFEA) Foundation Board as Chair and the UNC-Wilmington Alumni Board on the Executive Committee in the role of Secretary.

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