The Universe and Other Lies Joey Baumunk
The universe is a dark and cold void of mystery and wonder. But where did it come from? Who made it? Who made us? These questions have plagued us for thousands of years. Some say an almighty deity created us in six days, and some say it was a big bang in which the universe was made by a giant explosion, and the more eccentric or plain stupid believe it was a flying spaghetti monster. Everyone has followed one of these answers some to the letter and some loosely followed. But are we right? Are we just following raving mad men no matter which path we choose? This was the lecture I had to write for the class I teach at MIT. I didn’t see myself teaching here but they heard about one of my lectures at UW Madison in Wisconsin and they asked me about a job and you cannot say no to them. Now they have me teaching a class for which I barley understand the material, feels like high school all over again. I had a hard time writing it too, because the night before I had hardley any sleep. Probably because of the weird dream that I had. I was laying in my bed and I kept hearing a flicker noise, and I go outside and the street lamp was flickering. But the funny thing is there isn’t a street light by my home. I walk towards it, the lamp stops flickering and stays on, it gets brighter, my feet leave the ground and i look up. And then I wake up with a sharp pain in my head and i feel 50 years older. My way to work is always terrible. But sometimes I wish there was somebody to carpool with at least. Someone I can actually have a nice conversation with. That probably won’t happen anytime soon, so I might as well talk to myself, as always. The parking lot at the school was always packed to capacity. Never a spot close enough to the actual building so I have to park in a spot with a meter...three blocks away. “Damn it”, I only have enough quarters to give me an hour and a half. But a woman across the street heard my angry rants and ran across the street and asked “You okay over here?”. To which I
replied “ No I have to teach a class at the university and it’s a 3 hour class and I only have enough for an hour and a half. She paused a moment and then it came to her “ You’re teaching a class? Well so do I but it isn’t ‘till 4:30. I can give you some change.” Her offer seemed genuine enough but I was getting a feeling that she didn’t even want to be out here let alone give a stranger change, but her eyes, a shade of of blue but her brown hair made them glow. Although she was wearing layers upon layers of sweaters and coats her but the curvature of her body was still obvious: she could have been an actress or a model, but I have been wrong before. She reached into her purse and pulled out a lump of change as she was sifting through the mound I put my hand on the change and said “ You don’t need to do that.” She replied “ It’s no problem. As you can see, I have plenty to spare.” She had a light giggle that made me laugh a little which created an awkward silence for a moment, I took my hand off the pile of coins and as I did so my finger shocked one of her fingers which made her giggle again but that silence from before came back and it was worse this time but she smiled and I smiled back but she looked down and said “ Well I better get going.” and she told me good luck with my class and she started to walk away. But something inside of me was screaming at my legs to run after her, so I hurried and ran towards her and yelled “ Wait!”. I caught up to her quickly but doing so caused me to run out of breath which made me wheeze and nervous about my wheezing. So when I finally got my breath, I turned and asked her “ Can I walk to the school with you? You don’t have to walk alone you know.” To which she replied with a smile “ Sure. That would be nice.” She turned out to be far more interesting than I had first thought at the meter. She had an appreciation for Star Wars and loved teaching kids. Her hat almost blew off a few times and that made me laugh really hard and then she would smack me on the shoulder and tell me to shut up. Naturally the cold was getting a little overwhelming so I grabbed her hand and started running
towards the door. When we actually got inside it was 3:17, my class starts at 3:20. “ I have to go but where is your class?” “ Right here.” I nodded and ran to my class room and I was late, like usual.
“Who made us?”. My lecture ended with the usual silence it always does, and the people who actually payed any attention were the ones with the decency not to sleep. I could only think of the woman I walked with, it’s almost as if she stormed the beach of my mind. I had no idea what I would say next time I saw her. So I thought I would catch the last bit of her class, as I walking towards what sounded like her voice I was trying to piece together the opening of the conversation. The only thing I had so far was “ Hi, how did your lecture go?” but the sentence will most likely just fall out of my mouth. She was still talking with her class, which was interesting because her door didn’t have a name tag and students actually looked like they were actually interested in what they were saying. This to me was strange because my class consisted of people looking for an easy credit and the kids who just show up and don’t do anything but sleep, you would think my curriculum would consist of warm milk and lullabies. Her class was just about over so I made my way inside and listened to the last part of her speech and it was very impressive. While she spoke She looked at me and smiled and I patiently waited for the class to and when I finally got my courage up enough to start talking but before I could say anything she cut me off and asked “ How was your class?” I realized my prediction of how I would start the conversation was spot on. The words bobbed around in my mind and when I finally had a thought I was gold it turned out it was just noises that I don’t even feel like sharing. It was so horrible that the look on her face almost made me feel like jumping out of the
window behind her. We exchanged a few more words before she asked me “ So I was wondering if you could drive me home?” And I was blown away but as soon as the last syllable left her mouth I shouted “ YES” She looked at me with a you’re a psychopath look but she started laughing hysterically and said “ So are you ready to go?” to which I replied “ If you are ready to go than sure.” We got to my car, but when she tried to open it the door was frozen shut so I tried to pull it but it wouldn’t budge. So I tried harder and I got it open at the price of me falling down on the icy blacktop, it didn’t feel too good. She was laughing hysterically at this point and she grabbed my arm and while still laughing she asked me “ Are you alright?” I tried to get the snow off me and replied “ Yeah, I’ll be fine. I just might not be able to sit properly for a while” She laughed and I smiled and closed her door. I had a hard time sitting in the car but once I got situated I was but the girl had stopped laughing at me and was asking me some questions about myself, the usual stuff like “When is your birthday?” and “ What’s your favorite movie?” etc. Her enthusiasm was strange though. No one has ever been this interested in me before, she was looking at me with her blue with content. That look...it felt like I had seen it my whole life, but this is the first time I have ever seen it before. She instructed me that her apartment was the next left and part of me wanted to pretend I ran out of gas or we blew a tire just so I could keep this moment a little longer. But I didn’t have the heart, she told me to stop the car so I slowed down but every inch of my being was trying to press the accelerator and keep going and keep talking but I stopped and she gave that look again but this time it was a little different. She didn’t want to go either. So I looked at her and I said “ So I guess I’ll see ya tomorrow?” She looked at me with a smile and said “ Yeah, sure.” Her tone sounded disappointed, she turned towards her door and I said “ Wait!” She turned quickly back to the car and I continued “ Do you think I could
uh...see you again. Socially.” She smiled and wrote something on my hand and she continued “Call anytime.” I was confused until I looked down
and it was her phone number,
she looked at me and smiled and walked to her door. When I saw the door shut I started to shout with joy which was strange. When I finally got home I was so tired I went to bed immediately. I looked at my bed, the covers were never in a proper place. Just thrown around from me having nightmares all the time. “ Hopefully I can go one night without the streetlight dream I’ve been...” As soon as the words left my mouth I heard a flickering noise from outside. There was something wrong, one big difference this time...I was awake. I walked outside and the light was flickering like it always was but it became more frequent the closer I got to it. I was getting closer now and it was getting louder and louder but I couldn’t figure what it sounded like, because it has stopped sounding like a flicker but more like an engine. The sound stopped for a moment and once I stepped in the center, the light stopped flickering and was stayed on just like in the dream. But I felt lighter, so I looked down and my feet were no longer on the ground. I was going towards the light closer and closer, and then I went blind.
When I awoke I heard deep voices above me but I couldn’t understand them. Some other language that I couldn’t recognize. The strangest part was it sounded like all of the languages I’ve ever heard, Russian, Spanish, Polish, French, English, and even some Chinese. But then It felt like a giant needle was sent into my brain, and then I could understand them. A light shined in my face and it was just a blur, I figured it would pass but after a few moments I still couldn’t see. Then another sharp pain went into my chest, I was more frightened than I ever was before. The pain, the confusion, and the fact that I am practically blind is just the tip of the spear. But a
scarier thought entered my head what if I never see that girl again, I don’t even know her name. But the scariest thing happened when the table started to tilt forward and the blur became darker and darker but it was then I realized something strange, I wasn’t secured onto the table. I heard a noise that seemed to come from the floor, a wind flew past my face as I fell through the floor. I kept tapping the sides of a seemingly large tube like object and the only thing running through my mind besides I’m going to die. The girl’s face was invading my mind but the fall was a little bit more important right now. I could hear voices again, but when I hit what seemed to be a chair a giant voice started to speak to me and asked me politely “ Can you see me? Or did they forget that injection again?” Still confused I poorly responded “ What? I have no clue what you are talking about. I don’t even know where I am. I demand you tell me where the hell I am, okay?! I have rights.” He looked at me and started to yell but I couldn’t tell who he was directing this rage at. Whether it be me or someone in the room with us. But the parts of the rant that I could understand were “ Why the hell didn’t you give him the syringe?! When we bring their kind here we have to show them our hospitality and the world around them! Now give me the damn syringe, I’ll do it myself.” A sharp pain entered my head but when the pain faded slightly I could see and it was the most fascinating and/or scariest thing I have ever seen. The men in the room were probably a foot and a half taller than me and while trying to process this new idea of size I shouted “ What the (expletive deleted)! How the hell are you so giant!?” The largest man in the room was giving me a strange look as I back away from him as fast as I could. He was wearing a mixture between a tunic and a military uniform. but I think he finally realized the reason why I was giving him a strange look. The man shook his head really fast and said “ Oh! I always forget you people don’t know what we look like.” He let out a huge laugh and continued “I keep forgetting you humans
aren’t that clever yet.” After a few minutes of trying to absorb the fact that everyone in the room was about 7 and a half feet tall I started to notice little things about like how the biggest man had very long blonde hair but it was put up in a ponytail and the armor portion of his clothes was a glistening gold color and his tunic was a clean white. He turned to me and said “ Come over here human. I want to show you something.” I stood up off the table and walked towards him. The man continued “I presume you have already gathered that you are not on Earth?” I slowly responded “I sort of figured that out when you weren’t speaking a language I couldn’t understand five minutes ago.” He interrupted “Two weeks.” “What?” “You’ve been here two weeks. Our medical team has been scanning you since you got here two weeks ago.” My vision started to go black and then I tipped backwards. When I awoke I say the larger man standing over me and I asked “ Did I feint?” He looked at me and tried to hold in yet another laugh but he just couldn’t control himself, he let out a another laugh and it was already getting annoying. Holograms that seemed to operated like touch screens but they could move around the room. I figured there must be projectors all over the room. “What’s with all the holograms?” The large man looked around and said “ OH! I forgot to mention those. We use the larger modules for medical and educational purposes mainly and the smaller ones are used for personal reasons like communication, socialization, and other uses similar to your iPads or smartphones.” The pain in my head was still strong and inhibiting my brain from absorbing all the new information around me. The man that was guiding me in this different world had noticed the pained expression on my face and he turned away from me
and before I could ask him what he was doing he whipped around and stabbed another syringe in my arm. The pain was worse than ever for a few seconds and then it just faded as quick as it came. “That should dull the pain for awhile.” Strangely I was starting to absorb the new facts in front of me so I finally asked him “ So why are you so much bigger than a normal human but look just like one?” He had a giant smile on his face and he responded “ Well that is because your race is so much younger than mine.”
I was very confused about this so I asked “What
does our age have to do with it?” He gave a short laugh and said “ I don’t think I can explain very well so I will just take you to my superior then.” I didn’t understand who his superior was so I asked him “ Before I speak to anyone else, can you tell me where I am and who the hell you are?” He smiled and said “ I am Michael, and welcome to Haven.”
I followed Michael down a street full of people that just kept staring at me. It most likely because I barely come up to their ribs. People were moving out of Michael’s path and I couldn’t tell if it respect or fear. “ This is Haven’s main street, where you can find just about anything from food to furniture. But I do not know if the clothing stores have things in your size, sorry.” I looked at him and he looked at me very strangely. “ I think you might need some food.” I nodded and he grabbed my arm and pulled me onto a glowing part of the street and we went so fast I thought the wind would pull my hair out. And before I could ask where we were going we appeared to already be there. “ Ah my favorite. You are going to love this place. We walked inside and I look for a menu but there wasn’t one on the wall nor were there any employees. “ Where are the people and the menu?” He laughed at me again and said “ There are none. The food is what ever you want to eat whether it be Haven food , Earth food, or any planetary edibles. I do say the food you people eat called Ramen noodles is my favorite food!” As those
words left his mouth he opened one of the personal holograms and was flicking and pushing things out of view until he found his favorite flavor of ramen and I looked at him and at an attempt at humor I asked him “ What did you mean you people?” he looked at me nervously and said “ I didn’t mean any offense by it. I just simply meant...” I stopped him and said “ It’s fine, I was just making a joke.” He laughed and yelled “ AH! Earth humor I have never heard it done better. Although I have never heard Earth humor before, none the less bravo my little friend!” After our meals we hopped back onto the glowing section of the street and then we reached a large gate that had a large line in front of it and Michael grabbed my clothes and pulled me through the crowd but when their faces turned at us they slowly moved out of the way. Some of them looked sick and some looked like they were in pain, but what hurt me the most about was there are holograms, light speed sidewalks but we still can’t help the sick and elderly. When we finally got to the front of the line he put a pattern into a floating hologram and asked the bearded man “ How about you get some of these people in here eh?” He smiled and punched the man in the shoulder and said “ Come on Pete take a joke would ya?” He laughed louder than usual and looked back at me, punched me in the shoulder almost knocking me down and said “ Did you like my attempt at Earthly humor? I think I did pretty well.” I nodded and we walked toward the building and Michael explained “ This is everything we need to function as a society. This structure is a hospital, barracks, factories, and anything else we may need.” I asked him “ Who were all the people out there?” He kept walking and said “They were the people who need help the most such as the sick who need his help. Or the brave and the stupid to join the guard. If you absolutely need help you come here, and he will help you.” We kept walking and there was an elevator; when we walked inside there was barely enough room for the both of us. I was surprised because you’d think the most sophisticated society in the universe and they can’t
make big enough elevators. When we reached the top floor the doors opened and there was this stench that wasn’t particularly bad it was just not what I expected for a seemingly alien planet. It had a large hint of chalk, I didn’t think there would be a chalk board out here but when we walked around the corner there was a man a bit larger than the rest and he was writing equations down on the giant chalkboard but it was similar to one that an old teacher would use. It could turn and everything like a normal chalkboard but this one was massive compared to the other ones. Michael leaned down to me and said “ Human; this is our leader and the creator. This is Jehovah.” As soon as the name left his mouth I put two and two together and I knew who the large white haired man was “ Is that God?” Michael had a strange look on his face and he asked “ Why did you call him by his job title?” This time I gave him a weird look and asked “ Job title? What do you mean job title, that’s his name!” Michael laughed and said “ No my little friend! That is his title: G.O.D. means...” The larger man interrupted “ Genetics Operations Director. I am your peoples deity, The man that created your people.” My jaw would have snapped if it were any lower. “ You are God? Our lord and savior? I’m completely confused right now. How the hell can I be talking to you right now?” Jehovah put his index finger on my chest and lightly pushed but the light push sent me across the room. He picked me up and said “ Sorry man, I thought you were gonna hit the couch.” But this couch he was talking about was 20 feet to my left. “ You said you were confused about how you were here speaking to me. I feel I should explain.”
“ The universe as you know it was an experiment that I was assigned to tackle by the head of the genetics department. This was harder than it sounds, you see I technically did not make YOU per say but I did create the cavemen as you call them but they were simply a rough
draft. Then I made the modern human beings, which were less savage but their need for blood was too much for anyone to take the project seriously.” Amazed at the information that I was receiving I felt nauseous at how all the things I learned as I child and all the stuff I dismissed as an adult were all real and lies at the same time. “ And they took me off the project for awhile but after a time they noticed that the humans evolved and prospered and when you found farming, and mining, and war they decided you were becoming to much like us, so the ex-head of the division tried to flush your people out. And that story has been bent and twisted by your people for centuries.” I tried to muster up some confidence and said “ So the bible, the Koran, and the Torah are false? None of that actually accrued?” “Well some of it did but some of it was just blown out of proportion.” “ But Jesus was your son in the bible.” “ Yes That one is a little harder to explain.” “ So explain.” “ I made him to show the board of directors that one of you could be a good person and try to pass this trait on.” I was confused by the fact he died at the age of 33 and didn’t even have children. “ So did you tell him to die for our sins?” “No I did not. I don’t know where he got the idea to do that.” The look on his face had the expressions of a parent who lost their child. “So why do we call you God when it’s not even your name?” He looked at me a moment and said “ It is because when we sent you images and additional information your minds were to feeble for the process. So when you received the information you only got bits and pieces and 13 instead my name you got my title and various information.” My brain was trying to process these
words and I was trying to keep my head from just deflating completely. I tried to ask him to explain again but the words couldn't come out like I had planned but I think he understood what I was saying. “ I don’t get it.” This made me sound like a small child trying algebra. He gave me an understanding look and with a glance he said “ Are you sure you want to know all of this? This information may be to much for your brain.” I smiled and said “ I’m a teacher, My job is spreading information. It’s about time I spread the truth.” Jehovah let out a huge laugh, clapped his hands together and said “Okay let’s start at the beginning”.