Fall 2014 | Illumination: The Undergraduate Journal of Humanities

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COVER

Brian P. Thue Self-Portrait (Category Crisis) Etching.

9” x 12”

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

ALICE WALKER-LAMPANI

ASSISTANT EDITOR EMMETT MOTTL

PROSE

KENNETH ANDERSON AINSLIE CAMPBELL JOHN MCCRACKEN

uwilluminationjournal.com

POETRY

MARINA OLIVER MAHAM HASAN

ESSAYS

LAURA SCHMIDT REBECCA BOEHME

WEBMASTER

REBECCA KYSER

ART EDITORS MEAGHAN HUPP SYDNEY SCOTT

LAYOUT

THE MISSION OF ILLUMINATION IS TO PROVIDE THE UNDERGRADU-

PUBLICITY

A CHANCE TO PUBLISH WORK IN THE FIELDS OF HUMANITIES AND

MERONE TESFAYE MITCHELL TURINO

ATE STUDENT BODY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-MADISON TO DISPLAY SOME OF THE SCHOOL’S BEST TALENT. AS AN APPROACHABLE PORTAL FOR CREATIVE WRITING, ART, AND SCHOLARLY ESSAYS, THE DIVERSE CONTENT IN THE JOURNAL WILL BE A VALUABLE ADDITION TO THE INTELLECTUAL COMMUNITY OF THE UNIVERSITY AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE IT AFFECTS.

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

I am ecstatic to be writing to you all as the new editor of Illumination. Counting this year, it will be my fourth year working on the journal. While my time here at the University of Wisconsin has been busy, packing my schedule (sometimes too much) with everything I could, Illumination has been one of the most important aspects in my experience. Coming in to the university studying pre-med and now leaving as a student of the English and Art Departments, it’s needless to say that there were some times of turmoil and uncertainty. Everytime it came time for me to enroll I had three dars reports open and a thousand paths in front of me of where I wanted to go. But, in a time of uncertainty and fogginess, knowing I wanted to be part of Illumination was my lighthouse. And eventually, helped me realize my passion for publishing and design.

When I accepted the position of editor for Illumination the first question on my mind was how I could make Illumination the best it could be while making it my own. You might notice that the staff is considerably smaller from past issues. That’s because I wanted to re-structure the journal to have a smaller staff: more passionate, more accountable, and more like a family.

While this was a risky decision, I could not be more happy, proud, and appreciative of the team for this semester’s issue. Every single member of this team has not only done what has been asked of them but has gone above and beyond, showing a dedication and passion for their work that I didn’t allow myself to even dream of having last year. I need to make a special thanks for Emmett Mottl, my assistant-editor and more importantly, friend. The contribution that Emmett has made to Illumination and my sanity is unprecedented. He was there for everything and anything I needed help with, was there when the semester took my attention away, and adopted Illumination with the same passion I did. I also have to give a shout out to Merone Tesfaye: friend, designer, and saviour who came to my aid when I needed her most and made this issue not only possible but, in my opinion, the sexiest issue to date.

This issue is a representation of undergraduate work on campus: the best prose, poetry, essays, and art. It is also a product of work, passion, and creativity from some of the loveliest people I have been lucky enough to have as a staff to call my own.

Sincerly,

ALICE WALKER-LAMPANI

SPECIAL THANKS Illumination would like to extend a special thank you to former Chancellor John D. Wiley and to the Lemuel R. and Norma B. Boulware estate for setting up the Boulware fund, which funds Illumination every semester.

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POETRY UNTITLED #4

SWEPT UP

DAHMER, DARLING

MY INSIDE DOCUMENTARY

THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME

SPARE PARTS

JAMES CAPPUCCIO

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EMILY HEGLAND

TRAVIS HEARING

HOUSE HUNTING AT WORLD’S END

SEAN FITZGERALD ANDY HOLSTEEN CODY DUNN

VESTIGE

OLABIMPE OLANIYAN

REID KURKEREWICZ

PROSE

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SIRENS

JOSEPHINE BOECKMANN

LA BELLE DAME SANS MERCI: A BALLAD

ERIK BROWN

GOLDEN EXTERIORS DANNY BUCK

LIKE FAMILIES DO RACHEL FETTIG

THERE ARE VEGETABLES IN THIS HOUSE COLEEN CONLEY

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ESSAYS MY EXPENSE FOR EGGS

MELISSA KAPLAN-PISTINER

SEPARATED BY TWO CULTURES AND I’M STILL A COMPLETE PERSON TONGYU WU

THE LONG WAY HOME

MARA JOAQUIN

ARTISTS BRIAN P. THUE SUZANNE PETERSON KANDY WATSON ARIEL WOOD LUCY HODKIEWICZ SARA WARDEN WILL DOTY SUZANNE TORRES AARON DAVID BRITTANY FAHRES

T L F N N

A E C T T

B O O E S 3

POETRY

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Brian P. Thue A Heart Attack In the Prayer Position Etching.

5” x 7”

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UNTITLED #4 JAMES CAPPUCCIO

aren’t i j ust t h e m oth though? an d yo u’re so me offandon light. an d wh en you g o on i g o tum bling ag ainst the bulb. o f f andon offandon. o f f an do n yo u’r e shim m er ing. an d th e war mth o f yo ur g l ass i s catching my wings an d do n’t th ey em ber er r atically? j ust l i ke so me offandon light. an d wh en they g o up i g o p l um m eting down and bur y myself in your m or ningdew beaded ear th. an d when you g o on i g o o n . o f f andon offandon. an d wh en yo u b reathe i br eathe. an d th e p eel i n g -paint por ches— th e h o l l ows o f our chests g o up an ddown up an ddown upanddown an d th e l i g h ts i n th e p o rch es g o o f f an do n o f f andon offandon.

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DAHMER, DARLING EMILY HEGLAND jeff wor ks thir d s hif t at th e a m br os ia choco l a te fa cto r y – ton ig ht is his nig ht of f a n d i am ju s t his type. s ays h e will ta ke my p h o to. s ays h e will u nd r es s m e. s ays h e will pu t his li p s o n my b o d y. i s ay i’d like tha t. the s mell of bleach a nd s in a nd wh i s key fu me in the ha llway. pu b lic hou s ing , not h i s fa u l t – s ome s tr a ng e f olks live in t his bu ild ing. he wig g les the key in th e l o ck the peeling d oor s win gs o p en the apar tm ent ex ha les releas es the wr etched s ten ch to the wor ld . he as ks if i wa nt a d ri n k . no, th a nk you . i d on’t th i n k i can stoma ch it. thick a n d ch em i ca l , the odor ha ng s like f o g a n d j eff do es n’t ba t a n eye. ins i s ts i h ave a d r ink. ins is ts we s h a re a n i gh t ca p. i fin ally a s k, g ild ed la u gh to my gl a s s, man, you g otta tell m e – wh a t is th at g od awf u l s mell? he g rins, coy leads me by lea s h with my ti e to his r oom. my freezer br oke yes terd ay. ever yth i n g s p o i l ed . and h e’s kis s ing me bu t the s m ell is n’t com i n g fro m th e freez er. it’s co ming f r om here. h is mou th beco mes pu tr id , my ton g u e d r ies. breathi ng beco mes a n exercis e

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planned like a feint in chess. i n the cor ner i spot th e bulging bar r el; blue and fat, industr ial. th e ki n d th ey use to ship car g o l ab el ed ‘h azardo us’ and ‘dang er ous’. an d i ts made i ts way into my lungs, th at p reg n an t, synthetic scent, asphyx iating. h e l eads m e to his bed, th e exco rcist III on tape an d h e kee ps watching over my sh o ul der with cover t g l i mp ses, sweet-talking b utto n s f ro m my buttonholes i say i ’m feeling well – b ut j ef f h as a smo o th si l ver b l ade ag ainst my cheek h e l i sten s to my chest, beating i n syn co p ated, cautionar y song says h e wi l l swallow my hear t.

Suzanne Peterson Isolated Body (Series) Photography.

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THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME TRAVIS FEARING

Here ar e r es tles s nig h ts en d u red by an entir e city of to s s ed b o d i es tu r n ed a l ive.

Vag rants a nd s chola r s a n d b a s ta rd s a n d b rawl ers s alivate a t s u nd own, wa i ti n g fo r th ei r ch a n ce to h owl s weet n othing s into th e d el i ca te ea rs o f a cra cked ch al i ce.

T h ey o nly pr etend to l i s ten to o n e a n o th er, waitin g f or their tu r n to s p ea k fro thy em o ti o n a l a pp eal s and tal es of r ed em pti o n .

L iq u id cou r a g e is lou d a n d s ca red o f ever yth i n g that resemb l es san i ty, it’s ter r if ied of the q u i et a n d em p ty s p a ces th a t fi nd th em al l even tual l y.

B u t th er e’s a lways a so n g ech o i n g i n n i gh t’s eyes, a lo nel y or ches tr a ta sti n g s tri n gs fo r th e cel es ti a l bei n g s.

Taylo r s yncopa tes the h ea r t th a t’s m i s s i n g, fou r s tor ies a bove thi s p u n ch -d r u n k n eth erwo rl d , always wa tching f or a fa m i l i a r p u l s e.

It s tar ts with a g u ita r, a p a ck o f ci g a rettes a n d a b al co n y.

His fing er s wr a p a r ou n d h er d a rk m a h o g a n y b o d y, o n e at a ti me, reading the wood g r a i n a s a s eco n d l a n gu a g e.

His hand s haven’t m a s tered th i s l a n gu a g e, bu t they s pea k with en o u gh a s s u ra n ce to g et by.

Fin g er tips d o mos t of th e ta l k i n g, whis p er ing a pr im a l lu l l a by to ever y o n e o f h er s a cred f rets.

Taylo r f eels his hea r t b ea t th ro u gh h i s h a n d s, ban g ing with cons ta ncy a s h e ta kes a n o th er b rea th o f smo ke.

T h e wolves a r e ou t to n i gh t, h owl i n g a t th e b o tto m o f th ei r b o ttl es.

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T here is br oken g la s s g rowi n g i n th e a l l eyway,

Lucy Hodkiewicz Untitled 35 mm film.

climbin g the wa lls of Tayl o r’s a p a r tm en t l i ke j a g g ed amb er mo r n i n g g l o ri es.

Son g b los s oms q u ell th e a s cen d i n g b o d i es b a ck to th ei r co n crete b edl am.

An oth er br ea th of s m o ke and Taylor ex ha les curi o s i ty i n to m o u th o f h i s rhyth mi c mi stress.

T h ey’re in tu ne ju s t in ti m e fo r d a rk n es s, telling s tor ies tha t begi n wh en n o o n e’s l i s ten i n g.

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HOUSE HUNTING AT WORLD’S END REID KURKEREWICZ

My s u bu r ba n s pr awl r em i n d ed h er o f ci rcu i t b o a rd s, and we a g r eed t ha t; g iven th e a p o ca l yp s e, we wo u ld love to r u m m a g e to g eth er in the neig hbor ’s ca s tl es.

She wanted to be a lon e wi th th e i n fo r m a ti o n .

Mo s tly pr otecting f r o m th e v i r u s h a z a rd T h ou gh ts of pilf er ing b ed s i d e ta b l es for s n a ps hots of ba ll­h ero es s t u ffed i n s i d e d o g ­e a red b i b l es An no ta ted with “ s o, wha t” E ventua lly r olling to th e b ed ro o m to j u m p o n th e be d and th r ow open their d res s ers.

We are a s well eq u ipp ed to d i s s ect a s tra n g ers p a n ti es drawer as we o u r a t r e ­w ir ing o u r electro nic keyboa r d s.

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SWEPT UP SEAN FITZGERALD

T h e f en ce man b ui l ds ag ai n .

S we p t up i n th i s toweri n g co n crete mess o f wal l s an d drawer s we h ave f o rg o tten th e si l en t r ural exo dus o f my g ran df ath er an d yo ur g ran dmo th er an d co n sequen tl y us.

Go n e wi th th e atti c cl utter i s o ur kn owl edg e o f dee p er th i n g s, th e we i g h t o f n i n e i n ch es o f sn ow o n a b ar n , th e ach e o f ti red musc les an d th ei r resp o n se to g o o d f o o d .

I ’ve cri ed at dawn p l ump wi th th e year n i n g s we’ve h ush ed.

S o mewh ere b eh i n d th e h edg es we’ve h i dden th e i mp o r tan ce o f sacred th i n g s.

Ariel Wood Look How She Handled The Machine Hard-ground etching and aquatint.

11” x 14”

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MY INSIDE DOCUMENTARY ANDY HOLSTEEN

I am no obed ient s u n middle u niver s e enligh tening br ethr en ju s t mys elf pau p er s ilent whitened kha ki teeth o f l i o n alon e l awma n s kin dee p ha ppy a bove katab atic cr u cible on fire eter na l dead eye a nte s hot cal l er env is ion this id ea l d o m a i n

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SPARE PARTS CODY DUNN I did not know what to m ake of his body br oken up by sunlight thr ough the window slats sl i g h t stri p e of elbow ar ch ar ti c ul ate strip of abdom en (di d yo u know the wor d lightsaber was wasted o n a m om ent less than this?)

C up my suppositions in his inner ear an d i mag i n e th e g r eater g olem (maybe G abr iel) h e fell away fr om Kandy Watson The 70s Project (Series) Photography.

en r oute to aur or a.

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VESTIGE OLABIMPE OLANIYAN

1 I f i n d myself bleached by my s u b u rb an experi ences a n d I kee p tr ying to color mys elf b ack in

2 I a m a f r a id of cer tain times of day, and cer tai n types of weather s p eci f ic f its of cl o th es, and s p ecific s kin tones I ’ m s ca r ed of a legio n of fictive villain s, and s cared of bei ng m i s taken as o n e of them

3 th ey s pea k of my kin like in s ects, lo cu s ts my o nly r esponse i s to kee p quiet a nd mas q u erade as hu man

4 I kee p sca nning the n ews for trag edies that l ook l i ke m e a n d counting down u ntil I fin ally b reak; I ’ m th e kind of sto r y yo u frown at and f l i p pas t

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Sara Warden Deranged Dragonfly Photography.

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Prose

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SIRENS JOSEPHINE BOECKMANN

“ You know h ow h u m a n s ca n’t s ee i n th e d ark,” Freda s aid as s he s kipped a l o n g. “A n d yo u k n ow h ow owls can . Do yo u th ink tha t m ea ns th ey ca n’t s ee i n th e l i gh t? I m ean , at nigh t we ju s t s ee bla ck n es s b eca u s e o u r eyes a ren’t sen sitive en ou g h to s ee the l i gh t. B u t owl s ’ eyes a re s o sen si tive and du r ing the d ay th ey co u l d b e over p owered a n d j ust see whitenes s ever y wher e. Wa i t, th a t d o es n’t m a ke s en se. I am con fu s ed . D o you know wh a t I a m tr yi n g to s ay? ”

Her eld er ly co m p a n i o n s h r u g g ed a s th e two o f th em travele d a long the r oa d .

“ I tell you , ou r eyes a re cra z y,” Fred a co n ti nued. “ We s ee lig ht waves th a t o u r b ra i n i n ter p rets a s co lo rs. H ow weird is tha t? D oes th a t m ea n co l o rs d o n’t a ctu a l l y exi st?

T h at if I d id n’t have a b ra i n th ere wo u l d b e n o th i n g to inter pret the lig ht waves a n d th ere wo u l d b e n o co lo r i n th e wo rld? T ha t’s a s a d th o u gh t.”

Fr ed a looked a t Mu te b u t th e o l d wo m a n di dn’t re ply. No t tha t s he ex pected h er to. I n th e two yea rs Freda h ad kn own M u te, s he ha d n ever s a i d a wo rd . B u t Fred a al ways g ave her t he oppor tu n i ty to ta l k . W h o k n ows ? To d ay mi g h t be the d ay.

“ You wa nt to k n ow a cra z y fa ct. B i rd s ca n see ul travio let lig ht a nd oth er co l o rs we ca n’t s ee. I h ave al ways wan ted to s ee U V. I h ave s een p h o to s o f wh a t b i rds see b ut it’s ju st not the s a m e. B es i d es, h ow d o th o s e p h o to g rap h s even wor k? I f we ca n’t s ee u l trav i o l et i n rea l l i fe, how can we s ee it in a photo? I m ea n , i f a p ers o n i s co l o r bl i n d an d can’t s ee the color g r een , s h owi n g th a t p ers o n a p i cture o f s ometh ing g r e en is no t g o i n g to wo rk . D o yo u k n ow h ow that wo r ks ? ” She pa u sed . “Wel l , I d o n’t. Yo u wa n t to kn ow what els e I d on’t u nd ers ta n d ? … ”

To M u te, Fr ed a ’s co n s ta n t ch a tteri n g s o u n d ed l i ke the s tea d y bea t of waves o n a b ea ch o r th e s i n gi n g o f b i rds in s u m m er. S ometim es s h e d i d n’t l i s ten to wh a t Freda was s aying bu t it wa s nice to b e rem i n d ed o f h er co m p an i o n sh i p.

Mu te wa s g r a tef u l f or th e fri en d s h i p, a l th o u gh s o meti mes Freda’s voice s ou nd ed l i ke n a i l s o n a ch a l k b o a rd a n d Mute wo u ld d ie f or s ome pea ce a n d q u i et.

T hey wer e wal k i n g a l o n g a ro a d i n th e m i d dl e o f

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th e af ter n o o n . l eaves i n th e trees. I t was a di r t r oad in… wel l , th ey weren’t real l y sure. S o mewh ere n o r th in the Rock y Mo un tai n s. T h e f o rest aro un d th em was al ive with the chat ter o f squi r rel s an d th e ch i r p i n g o f so n g b i rds. M ute had p o i n ted o ut a deer a h al f h o ur ag o. I t al so h ad r ained that mo r n i n g an d th e f o rest smel l ed ref resh ed an d r ejuvenated.

T h ey were wal ki n g b ecause th ei r smal l two -do or car that made f un n y n o i ses wh en i t tur n ed l ef t h ad ran out of g as.

Mute h ad p o i n ted to th e g as meter b ef o re sh e took an afterl un ch -n ap i n th e p assen g er seat. S h e wasn’t sur e if Fr eda h ad saw h er p o i n ti n g si n ce Freda h ad b een avidly listening to Ameri ca’s Mo st Wan ted o n th e radi o an d appar ently a murderer h ad j ust escap ed i n Wyo mi n g. Af ter discover ing th e emp ty tan k, Freda h ad sai d, “ L ucki l y, t h ere is a g as sta ti o n j ust a ways b ack… I th i n k,”

Freda wasn’t even sup p o sed to b e driving. She was f o ur teen , b ut Mute di dn’t h ave h er l i cen se ei ther so m aybe it di dn’t matter.

Freda di dn’t seem ver y remo rsef ul ab out for g et ti n g th e g as. S h e ski p p ed al o n g o n th e b al l s o f her feet, her mo uth wo rki n g f aster th an h er l eg s. S h e was skinny with to o th p i ck l i mb s. H er j ean s h ad a b ad h o l e i n the knee and h er “ S ave th e W h al es” t-sh i r t, f ro m th e g reat tr easur e halls o f Go o dwi l l , was f aded f ro m b l ue to g r ay. S h e had been weari n g h er sn eakers si n ce si xth g rade an d h er toes poked th ro ug h th e to p. T h e so l e o f h er l ef t sh o e was com ing off an d i t f l ap p ed ag ai n st th e g ro un d wi th ever y ste p she took.

Mute sh uf f l ed al o n g b eh i n d. S h e was man y year s older than Freda. H er th i n n i n g g ray h ai r was p ul l ed b ack into a long b rai d. A f ew stran ds escap e d an d sur ro un ded her wr inkled an d scar red f ace. H er b ri g h t b l ue eyes co n trasted with the rest o f h er o l d, wear y b o dy. T h ey sp arkl ed with youth and en erg y. S h e al ways wo re a p ur p l e an d red sweater no m atter wh at th e weath er was l i ke, an d ti g h t b l ack p an ts that hug g ed h er l eg s.

“ H ey! L i sten to th at,” Freda sai d. “ I s that a police si ren ? W h at are th ey do i n g way o ut h ere? T h e only people wh o co me to th i s mo un t ai n are h un ters. I th i nk we passed a si g n th at sai d th e p o p ul ati o n o f a town was thir teen people.

T h ir teen! And I thou gh t my h o m etown wa s s m a l l .”

T h ey tu r ned a cor ner a n d s aw a m a n cro u ch ed i n th e mi ddl e of the r oa d . His ba ck wa s to th em a n d h e wa s p a n ti n g l i ke he had been r u nning. Mu te i n s ta n tl y to o k a s te p b ack.

“ Hi!” Fr ed a sh o u ted j oyfu l l y. H e l ea p ed o n to h i s feet q uicker tha n Fr ed a wa s exp ecti n g. H e h el d s o meth i n g beh ind his ba ck. He g l a red a t th em , h i s fa ce ten s e.

“ How a r e you to d ay? ”

He d id n’t r es p o n d b u t Fred a wa s s o u s ed to si l en ce, s he was u nd eter r ed . “We a r e n o t p o i n ti n g fi n g ers but so me bo dy for g ot to f ill u p a n d we a re wa l k i n g to th e g as stati o n .

Do yo u wa nt to come wi th u s ? ”

T he m a n per ked u p. “S u re.” H e d rew o u t th e ‘s’ l i ke a s n ake. As he a ppr oach ed , Fred a rea l i z ed h e wa s much tal l er than s he ex pected . H i s b l a ck eyes were co n cea l ed b eh i n d g reas y long ha ir. As h e m oved towa r d s th em , h e p ut wh at ever h e ha d behind hi s b a ck i n to h i s th e p o cket o f h i s l o n g coat.

“ W ha t’s you r n a m e? ” “ Tod .”

“ I ’m Fr ed a a n d th a t i s M u te. T h a t’s wh a t I cal l h er anyway. M aybe her nam e i s Ju l i a o r A n gi e o r M a g gi e. I do n’t kn ow why bu t s he ju s t d o es n’t ta l k . Mayb e s h e h a s an embar ras sing a ccent. ‘O w o yo o o ? T h a t’s my S co tti s h accen t.

Did it s ou nd m or e B ri ti s h to yo u ? I a m n o t rea l l y g o o d wi th accents. I wis h I ha d o n e. D o yo u wa n t a n a ccen t? ”

N either of her co m p a n i o n s res p o n d ed .

T hey continued to wa l k towa rd th e p o s s i b ly-n o n ex is tent g a s s ta tion, occa s i o n a l l y h ea ri n g p o l i ce s i ren s i n th e dis tan ce. Tod loom ed a b ove th em a n d ca s t th e two wo men into h is s ha d ow. His a r m s were s tra i gh t a n d l o cked ag ai n st his s id e. His ba ck wa s u p ri gh t a n d ten s e. H i s to rs o an d h ead bo bb ed u p a nd d own a s h e wa l ked l i ke a b u oy i n a l ake. H i s leg s remind ed Fr ed a o f a z o m b i e. H e d ra g g ed h i s f eet as h e f loated a long.

Fr ed a a s ked wh ere h e wa s fro m a n d wh a t it was l i ke.

He respond ed “ Wis co n s i n ” a n d “co l d ” a n d th en s a i d n o more, so Fr ed a told h i m a l l a b o u t h er l i fe.

“ I a m f r om a s m a l l town ca l l ed Fra n k v i l l e i n Al a bama. I have two s is ters, O l iv i a a n d A n n a . T h ey a re f reaki n’ talented . O livia wa s th e va l ed i cto r i a n a t o u r h i gh s ch o o l an d is n ow s tu d ying neu r o -b i o -m ed i c-s u rg er y o r s o m e o th er f an cy-s mancy d eg r ee. M y l i ttl e s i s ter A n n a wo n th e n ati o n al p i ano recita l when s he wa s twel ve. I a m h a p p y fo r them b ut al l I can d o is s pell A-U -D -A -C -I -O -U -S wi th o u t a d i cti o n ar y.

W h ich I a m not g oing to l i e i s p retty i m p res s ive b ut i t i s n o t the s ame. Hey, is tha t a h el i co p ter over th ere? A n yway, I f el t like I wa s the s u r plu s ch i l d wh o co n tri b u ted n o th i ng. No on e cared wha t I ha d to s ay. Yo u k n ow wh a t I m ea n ?”

N o one r e plied .

“ T ha t is why I ra n away. I d o n’t h ave to d eal wi th that s tu f f a nymor e. N o m o re s ch o o l . T h a t wa s awf ul . S i tti n g for eight hou r s. And th e o th er k i d s. D o yo u wa n t to kn ow what ha ppened to m a ke m e l eave? I t i s a b i t em b a r rass ing actu a lly. See, I was s u p p o s ed to m eet Mrs. B rown af ter s ch oo l in ou r biolog y cl a s s ro o m . I p l ayed wi th h er h amster, Mr. T ib bles, while I wa i ted . A fter a wh i l e, I fi gu red Mrs. B rown f or g ot a nd s ta r ted to l eave b u t I k n o cked h er f o rg o t ten cu p of cof f ee into Mr. T i b b l es ca g e. I t s ta i n ed al l o f h i s nice white s having s b rown . I wa s n’t rea l l y s u re wh at caf f ei n e cou ld d o to a ha ms ter b u t I d o u b ted i t wo u l d b e g o o d f o r them. I m ea n, M r. T ib b l es ra n o n h i s l i ttl e wh eel thi n g f o r ho u rs. W ha t wou ld he d o wi th two p o u n d s o f co ffee i n h i m?

Man , thos e s ir ens a r e g etti n g rea l l y l o u d . I h o p e n o o n e i s

h ur t. I t so un ds l i ke th ey are g etti n g cl o ser.”

To d b eg an to wal k f aster. As h e g o t ahead of them , Mute g rab b ed Freda’s ar m. H er eyes were b i g and alar m ed.

S h e was sh aki n g h er h ead ear n estl y. Freda h ad never seen her do th at b ef o re an d l o o ked at h er curi o usl y. Befor e she could ask wh at was wro n g , To d tur n ed aro un d. H e l ooked at them susp i ci o usl y an d Mute l et g o o f Freda’s ar m. “A r e you com i n g ?” To d asked.

“ Yup.” Freda ski p p ed f o rward. “An yway, so under Mr. Ti b b l e’s cag e th ere was th i s b i g b ox o f f resh shavings, so I deci ded to cl ean h i m o ut. I t wo ul d o n l y take a few m inutes an d I wasn’t i n a b i g h ur r y. I was a g o o d p erson, and all that stuf f. I take Mr. Ti b b l es o ut o f h i s cag e an d put him into th e cag e n ext to h i m wh i ch b el o n g ed to S ki ttl es. I dum p out al l th e g o o ey b rown sh avi n g s an d p ut i n th e cl ean stuff. I f l uf f i t al l up so i t i s co mf o r tab l e an d I was excited to tell Mrs. Brown wh at I di d. T h en I tur n ed to p ut Mr. Tibbles b ack an d th at’s wh en I ran i n to tro ub l e.

Freda p aused. “ Di d I men ti o n S ki ttl es was a snake?”

S h e co n ti nued, sl i g h tl y emb ar rassed. “ Yeah , you’d think I wo ul d kn ow b etter th an to p ut a h amster wi th a snake, and I di d. I kn ew sn akes eat ro den ts an d a h amster i s a r odent but I di dn’t p ut i t to g eth er. I so meti mes f o rg et th at things don’t al ways g et al o n g p erf ectl y. I h eard th at sn akes eat ham ster s b ut I di dn’t th i n k i t wo ul d h ap p en to Mr. Ti b b les.

“An y way, I see th i s l arg e l ump i n th e thr oat of Skit tl es th at was th e l ate Mr. Ti b b l es, an d I co ul d hear my sis ters’ teasi n g , I co ul d see th e di sap p o i n tmen t i n M r s. Br own’s f ace, an d I co ul d i mag i n e th e l aug h ter f ro m th e other kids i n sch o o l . I wo n dered wh at my p aren ts wo ul d say. Pr obably n o th i n g. T h ey wo ul dn’t waste th ei r b reath o n me when they h ad my si sters to tal k ab o ut.

“ S o I j ust l ef t. I wal ked o ut o f th e ro om , and out of th e sch o o l , an d j ust ke p t g o i n g. I exp ected so m eone to stop me b ut I g uess n o o n e cared. S o th at i s ab o ut it. T hr ough a co mb i n ati o n o f wal ki n g , h i tch h i ki n g an d b uses, I ended up i n C h i cag o wh ere I met Mute. An d l et me tel l you, she was l ivi n g th e l i f e. No p aren ts. No si sters. No sch ool. She just di d wh atever sh e wan ted to do. C o mp l ete f reedom . We have b een to g eth er ever si n ce. I so meti mes f eel l i ke we ar e r ever se Jeh ovah ’s W i tn esses….”

Mute al mo st l aug h ed. S h e h ad n o t b een “living the l i f e.” S h e h ad b een h o mel ess an d squatti n g i n an abandoned car. S h e wo ul d h ave sp en t th e rest o f days th at way if Fr eda h adn’t ap p eared.

Mute h ad b ee n sn o o zi n g i n th e p assen g er seat when “ H i ya!” Freda h ad p o p p ed h er h ead i n th ro ug h the window. “ W h ach a do i n g ?” S o meh ow wi th i n th e n ext f ew m inutes, Freda h ad g o tten h ersel f b eh i n d th e wh eel . “ D on’t wor r y, my f ri en d, I b eat th e Do nut Pl ai n s si x ti mes i n Super M a ri o K ar t. Actual l y drivi n g can’t b e th at di f f erent.” M ute h ad kn own i t was a b ad i dea b ut wen t al o n g with it anyway b ecause n o o n e h ad cal l ed h er f ri en d b ef o re.

Freda co n ti nued b l ab b i n g away as th ey walked to wards th e g as stati o n . S h e to l d th em ever yth i n g fr om the f i rst ti me sh e l o st a to o th to th e numb er o f spots her kitten h ad. S h e was i n ter r up ted by si ren s th at seeme d to be g etting cl o ser an d cl o ser an d even so meti mes th e h el i copter that so ared over h ead.

“An d th en we g o t a p o t b el l y p i g n amed Por k y. I wan ted to n ame h i m S nuf f y b ut my si ster An n a wanted to n ame h i m Po rk y so h e was n amed Po rk y. H e was just g r eat an d h e h ad th e cutest l i ttl e n o se. But h e l i ked to pee on the car p et i n my p aren ts’ l ivi n g ro o m so we h ad to kee p him in

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the kitchen a ll the tim e. Wa i t a s eco n d , I rem em b er th at tree.

Wait, I think… I thin k … ” S h e d a s h ed fo rwa rd u p a smal l inclin e. At the top, s h e s h o u ted , “T h ere i t i s.”

B oth M u te a n d To d r u s h ed fo rwa rd . W h en th ey reached Fr ed a , they s aw a s m a l l l i ttl e l o g ca b i n s h op cal l ed “ Grizzly’s Hu nter S u p p l y S h o p.” T h e fi rs t th i n g Mute n o ticed wa s the s ma ll g a s p u m p i n th e fro n t. T h e fi rst th i n g Freda n oticed wa s the l a rg er- th a n -l i fe p l a s ti c b ea r th at s too d on the por ch.

As they tr ot ted towa rd s i t, Fred a s a i d , “S ee th at was n’t s o ba d . I t wa s o n l y l i ke two h o u rs. We j u s t n e ed to g et a g allon of g a s a nd ca r r y i t b a ck . I t co u l d h ave b een a l o t wo rs e.”

M u te g la r ed a t h er.

As they tr ot ted towa rd th e s m a l l s h o p, Freda p o i n ted ou t that the he licopter wa s co m i n g towa rd s th em an d To d jog g ed f or wa r d a hea d o f th em . H e en tered fi rs t, fol l owed by the oth er two.

Fr ed a ha d never s een a s m a n y d ea d a n i m a l s as sh e s aw in s id e the s hop. E ver y i n ch o f th e wa l l wa s covered wi th deer, elk, or moos e hea d s. T h ere were foxes, b a d g ers, an i m pres s ive cou g a r, a nd severa l o th er a n i m a l s wh o h a d vi si ted a taxider m is t. W hen th e s i gn s a i d i t wa s a h u n ti n g s h o p, th ey weren’t lying. T hey had ever yth i n g fro m d u ck ca l l s to stran g e s cents to ca mou f la g e h a ts. T h ere wa s a wh o l e s h el ve f ul l o f ammu n ition. Wa s that even l eg a l ?

Tod wa s look i n g o u t th e wi n d ow a t th e h eli co p ter i n the dista nce. M u te ha d d i s a p p ea red i n to th e s h el ves.

T he g u y behin d th e co u n ter, G ri z z l y, Fred a assumed, watched them s u s pici o u s l y. H e l o o ked th e fa r th es t th i n g fro m a g r izzly. He was p ro b a b l y twen ty yea rs o l d er th an Fre da bu t a bou t the s a m e s i z e. H i s p a l e s k i n l o o ked l i ke i t h ad never s een the s u n a n d tu ffs o f h i s red h a i r s tu ck out un der his “ Get ‘e r d one” ha t. Fred a wa s a b o u t 9 5 % s u re sh e co ul d beat hi m in a n a r m wres tl e. H e tri ed , a n d fa i l ed , to l o o k tou gh by pla s ter ing hi s a r m s wi th ta tt o o s a n d cu tti n g o f f th e s leeves on his s hir t. H e l ea n ed h i s ch i n a g a i n s t h i s knuckl es in a way to ex pos e his n o n exi s ten t b i ce p s.

“ Hello,” Fr ed a s a i d a s s h e m a rch ed towa rd h i m. “ We need s o m e g a s.”

He took one l o o k a t th e s ta te o f h er cl o th es an d rais ed a n eyebr ow. “ G o t a n y m o n ey? ”

“ Well, no, bu t— ” “ No.”

Fr ed a r olled u p h er s l eeves. T h i s gu y j u s t needed a little p er s u a s ion. She wa s a b o u t to s ta r t wi th G ri z zl y wh en s u ddenly a cop ca r cam e s crea m i n g over th e s m a l l h i l l . I t s kidded to ha lt r ig ht o u ts i d e th e d o o r. T h e b l u e a nd red lig hts bou nced a r ou nd th e wa l l s o f th e s h o p. “W h at i n th e heck? ” Gr izzly s a id .

Su d d enly a s eco n d p o l i ce ca r f l ew over th e h i l l and s creeched to a s to p n ext to th e fi rs t o n e. T h en a th i rd whip ped a r ou nd the b en d fro m th e o th er d i recti o n success fu lly s ur r ou nd ing the l i ttl e s h o p. G ri z z l y a n d Fred a l o o ked at each other completel y b ewi l d ered .

“ T hom a s T heroy! We h ave th e p l a ce s u r ro un d. Exi t the bu i ld ing with you r h a n d s o n yo u r h ea d ! ”

“ W ho’s T hom a s ? ” Fro m th e co r n er o f h er eye, Freda s aw Tod r ea ch f or s om eth i n g i n h i s p o cket. H e h a d p ul l ed ou t a gu n a nd wa s po i n ti n g i t a t G ri z z l y’s fa ce. G r i zzl y’s pale fa ce beca me even wh i ter, a l m o s t tu r n i n g h i m in to a tran s par ent g hos t.

Fo r the f ir s t tim e in h er l i fe, Fred a h a d n o wo rd s. H er b rai n became s till like the s tra i gh t l i n e o n a h ea r t m o n i tor af ter

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th e l ast b eat o f b l o o d h as b een p ump ed. T h en her m outh was def i b ri l l ated i n to overdrive. “ Oh -mar y-mo th er-j esus-o h -n o -o h -n o -not-cool-notco o l -real l y-n o t-co o l …”

“ S h ut up !”

Freda tri ed b ut sh e co ul dn’t sto p th e panicked wor ds f ro m sl i p p i n g f ro m h er l i p s. Al l sh e co ul d do was quiet them to a mumb l e. To d g rab b ed Gri zzl y aro un d th e neck and drag g ed h i m o ut th e do o r, th e g un p ressed ag a inst the side o f h i s h ead. T h e p o rch b ecame To d’s stag e an d the police o f f i cers b ecame th e sp ect ato rs.

Mute sudden l y g rab b ed Freda an d p ul led her be h i n d th e sh el f o f p l asti c duck decoys. “ Oh my g osh! Oh my g o sh !” Freda’s vo i ce was ver y h i g h p i tch ed with panic.

Mute h ad a f i n g er o n h er l i p s. “ I s th ere an o th er ex it? Can we escap e? No, th ere’s n o th i n g. T h at h as to b e b reaking a fir e co de o r an ti -h o stag e l aw o r so meth i n g !”

“ Get away f ro m me o r I wi l l b l ow h i s br ains out! I h ave do n e i t b ef o re an d I wi l l do i t ag ai n !”

On e o f th e o f f i cers sh o uted so meth i n g g ener ic like “ Yo u do n’t wan t to do th i s!” o r “ L et h i m g o !” while M ute star ted p atti n g Freda o n th e h ead to g et h er to calm down an d Freda co n ti nued to f reak o ut. “ I am n o t o kay her e. N o si r! No t o kay ! Do yo u th i n k To d wi l l actual l y d o it? A ctually sh o o t Gri zzl y! I h eard th at th ere was a ch i cken that lived two mo n th s wi th o ut i ts h ead. Do yo u th i n k Gri zzl y is par t chick en ?”

S o qui etl y Freda al mo st di dn’t h ear, M ute whisper ed, “ S h h h h h .”

“ I can’t! I am to o scared to b e qui et!”

Fro m o utsi de, To d sh o uted, “ I can j ust sh o o t this one. I h ave two mo re h o stag es i n si de!”

Freda cl ap p ed b o t h o f h er h an ds over her m outh b ut h er j aw sti l l moved l i ke sh e was tal ki n g. S he tur ned away f ro m Mute an d l o o ked aro un d th e co r n er o f the shelf. She di d n o t see Mute sl owl y crawl away o n h er o l d, fr ail knees.

T h ro ug h th e wi n dow Freda saw To d and G r iz z ly.

To d l o o ked l i ke a g i an t tower sup er vi si n g th e situation. She co ul dn’t see h i s f ace, o n l y th e g r easy h ai r. Next to him , G r iz zl y was vi si b l y tremb l i n g an d h e l o st h i s h at, exposing his f i er y red h ai r. H e l o o ked so smal l , h e o n l y came up to Tod’s el b ow. L i ke a h o b b i t, a p al e g i n g er h o b b i t.

“ T h o mas, we h ave th e p l ace sur ro un ded. You cannot escap e. Just l et th e p eo p l e g o.”

“ W hy? I am al ready g o i n g to p ri so n f or life. I am al ready g o i n g to h el l ! I mi g h t as wel l b ri n g so me com pany!”

S udden l y Freda saw a movemen t f ro m th e co r ner of her eye.

Mute was o n h er h an ds an d kn ees i n f ro n t o f a poster which decl ared “ T h e S mo ke-An d-C h o ke! Perf ect f o r bur r owing ro den t removal !” Mute ch o se o n e o f th e b o mb s, took aim , an d ch ucked i t. I t so ared th ro ug h th e ai r an d l anded like a meteo r.

T h e smo ke b o mb exp l o ded i n to cl o uds of awful g as th at caused Freda’s eyes to b ur n . S h e co ug h ed until it felt l i ke h er th ro at wo ul d b eco me di sl o dg ed f ro m her neck. Fr eda tri ed to r un o utsi de, f o rg etti n g al l ab o ut To d, but her eyes b ur n ed so b ad, sh e co ul dn’t see an yth i n g. S h e collided with a sh el f an d th ey b o th crash ed to th e g ro un d.

S h e h ad n o i dea wh at was g o i n g o n . S he hear d peo p l e sh o uti n g an d mayb e even g un sh o ts, b ut sh e was so dis o ri en ted sh e co ul dn’t do an yth i n g by l i e o n th e f loor. W hen th e smo ke h ad di sp erse d an d h er eyes b eg an to focus, she saw To d p i n n ed down ed an d h an dcuf f ed o n th e por ch.

An o f f i cer sto o d ab ove h er, “Are yo u o kay?”

Will Doty Turnt Graphite and ink on bristol.

18” x 24”

M onths la ter, Fred a wo u l d b e o k ay, a l th o ug h sh e wou ld s till have nig h tm a res. S h e wo u l d h ave h er paren ts to co mfor t her. Af ter th e o rd ea l , th e p o l i ce wo u l d retur n h er to h er f a mily. She wo u l d b e s u r p ri s ed by h ow mu ch th ey wor ried a bou t her a n d h ow h a p p y th ey were to s ee h er. S h e wou ld be ha ppy to s ee th em to o. A n o th er p o s i tive asp ect wou ld be tha t M u te wo u l d b e s tayi n g wi th th em s i n ce sh e h ad nowher e els e to g o a n d M u te wo u l d a l ways l i sten wh en Freda ta lked . S he s om eti m es wo u l d ca l l G ri z z l y (wh o sh e wou ld ca ll Ted d y beca u s e s h e wo u l d th i n k i t fi t h im b etter) to s ee how he wa s d o i n g. S h e wo u l d even s o m eti mes wri te to Tod in pr is on a lthough s h e wo u l d n ever g et a res po n se. S h e o ccas iona lly wou ld th i n k a b o u t th e o rd ea l a n d i t wo ul d make h er s ca r ed , bu t it wo u l d b e o k ay.

B u t a t tha t m o m en t th e o ffi cer a s ked a g a i n i f sh e

was al ri g h t.

“ Oh b oy! I wasn’t sure f o r a wh i l e th er e but I think al l my l i mb s are attach ed. I may h ave l o st my cool though.

Di d yo u kn ow starf i sh can l o se a l eg an d i t wi l l g r ow back?

T h at i s p retty crazy. I wi sh I h ad th at ab i l i ty… ”

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24

Suzanne Torres Untitled Clay, ink, steel , and paper.

35” x 45” x 4.5”

LIKE FAMILIES DO RACHEL FETTIG

“A s yo u b o th k n ow, we wan ted to take ever yo n e o ut to di n n er to n i gh t,” my m o m s a i d , smo o th i n g h er f avo ri te ski r t, th e o n e wi th l i ttl e p o tted p l a n ts a n d g a rd eni n g to o l s sp ri n kl ed al l over i t. “An d th e reaso n why i s a h a p p y o n e, we wan t yo u to kn ow th at.” S h e l o o ked over at my d a d , wh o cl ea red h i s th roat.

“Yes, yes, we d o. We wan t yo u to kn ow th at,” h e sai d. H e fi d d l ed wi th a ca n d i ed a l mo n d f ro m th e co f f ee tab l e. T h e p i n k sug ar co a ti n g wa s m el ti n g over h i s f i n g er ti p s, an d wh en h e p ush ed up h i s gl a s s es, h e l eft a l i ttl e p in k smudg e b etween h i s eyes. S h an n ah nudg ed m e. I wri n k l ed my n o s e at h er qui ckl y, so th at o ur p aren ts wo ul dn’t see.

“S o m e d ays h ave b een h ard, f o r yo ur f ath er an d me, f o r al l o f u s,” my m o m co n ti nu ed . “ I t’s al l th e l i ttl e th i n g s th at accumul ate. Or s o m eti m es, th ey’ ve b een th ere al l al o n g , b ut yo u do n’t real i ze. T h at’s j u s t l i fe, gi rl s.” S h e rea ched o ut an d stro ked each o f o ur ch eeks, p aus i n g o n m i n e to r u b away wh at I assumed was l ef tover ch o co l ate i ce crea m . “Yo u s ee, th ere’s ti mes i n a mo th er’s an d f ath er’s l ives wh en we d o n’t n eces s a ri l y h ave th e ti me, o r make th e ti me, to b e p hysi cal l y--”

“T h e p o i n t i s,” my dad i n ter r up ted, h i s eyes dar ti n g to meet my m o m ’s, “We’ ve d eci d ed to g o to co up l es th erap y.”

T h e two o f th em p aused, search i n g o ur f aces.

“I t’s a g o o d th i n g ,” my mo m urg ed. “A h ap p y th i n g.”

“T h e rea s o n we’re tel l i n g yo u th i s,” my dad sai d, setti n g wh at wa s l eft o f th e a l m o n d d own o n th e tab l e, “ i s b ecause th ere’l l b e a f ew ti m es wh en we m i gh t b rin g yo u g i rl s wi th , to do a f ami l y sessi o n .”

“Ju s t to m a ke s ure we al l g et a say i n th i n g s,” my mo m sai d.

“T h i s i s a fa m i l y n eg o ti ati o n .”

I s ta red a t my feet. My so cks h ad h o l es i n th em, an d my to es were p o k i n g o u t. T h ey l o o ked wei rd, l i ke l i ttl e l ar vae.

“G i rl s ? W h a t d o yo u th i n k?” sh e asked.

“O k ay,” S h a n n a h sai d.

“O k ay,” I s a i d .

I t’s n o t l i ke i t was a sur p ri se--th i n g s h ad b een wei rd aro un d th e h o u s e fo r a wh i l e n ow. My p aren ts h ad b eco me masters at j ust h a p p en i n g to b e i n d i ffer en t p ar ts o f th e h o use at al l ti mes; th ey were m o d er n H o u d i n i s, a l ways f i n di n g a way to escap e i f, Go d f o rb i d, th ey d i d en d u p i n th e s a m e ro o m. I l o o ked at S h an n ah ; sh e was b i ti n g h er l i p, l i ke s h e d o es wh en sh e ’s up set , b ut sh e j ust sh r ug g ed at me.

My m o m s ta red at us, h er wel l -p l ucked eyeb rows drawn cl o se.

Fi n a l l y, s h e rel ea s ed th em , an d h er f ace b ro ke i n to o n e o f h er el emen ta r y s ch o o l tea ch er s m i l es, th e ki n d o f smi l e wh ere h er mo uth i s p ul l ed s o ti gh t th a t i t l o o k s l i ke a red r ub b er b an d. I was al ways wai ti n g f o r i t

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to ju s t bu r s t one d ay, to p o p ri gh t o ff.

“ Wond er f u l,” s h e s a i d . “Wo n d erfu l ,” s h e s ai d ag ai n , th i s ti me to my d a d , who nod d ed . “T h a t’s wo n d erfu l . We th oug h t we’d g o to Fin g er m a n’s f or d inner, l i ke fa m i l i es d o wh en th ey h ave so meth i n g to celebra te.”

I wa ite d u ntil s h e l o o ked away, th en ro l l ed my eyes at S h an n ah .

As if this d ay wa s n’t a l rea d y b a d en o u gh .

“ M om.” S ha n n a h s a i d . “La s t ti m e we wen t to Fi n g e r man’s, we were wa it ing to be s ea ted , a n d th i s o l d d i s gu s ti n g guy to l d me h ow, i f he had his way, he’d kee p m e b a refo o t a n d p regn a nt f ro m th e ti me I was eig hteen. I t’s a g r o s s p l a ce fi l l ed wi th g ro s s p eo p l e.”

Sha nna h wa s fi fteen , b u t s h e l o o ked o l d fo r h er ag e. I was thir tee n, a nd I looked i t. N o o n e s a i d s tu ff l i ke th at to me, an d tr ust me, th er e wer e plenty o f d i s gu s ti n g o l d m en i n o u r ti n y town . “ Shu s h , now. Fing er m a n’s i s th e n i ces t p l a ce i n town , an d th e el derl y, no matter how ‘d is g u sti n g’ th ey m ay s eem , a re a l l owed to eat th ere, too,” my mom s a id .

“ I t’s ju s t one d i n n er,” my d a d s a i d , h i s eyes symp ath eti c.

In the ca r on the way th ere, S h a n n a h a n d I s a t i n the b ack seat, texti n g each o t her.

“ ca n u belive th i s ? ” s h e s en t.

“ i kno.” I s en t. “i t m a kes s en s e, th o.”

“ i g u es s,” s he s en t.

“ mybe itll be g o o d fo r th em ,” I s en t.

“ mybe ill g r w fea th ers o u t o f my a s s.” * * *

We wa lked into th e res ta u ra n t, a n d I s m el l ed th at f ami l i ar s mell o f ketchu p a nd Feb rez e. Fi n g er m a n’s wa s a l ways th e same. I t was this din g y little bu f f et th a t th o u gh t i t wa s rea l l y cl ever wi th i ts n ame, as in , you c ou ld ea t ever yth i n g wi th yo u r fi n g ers. Pl ease. T h e g reen and wh ite tiles on the f l o o r a l ways l o o ked d i r ty, a n d th e f aded g reen s hades on the wind ows were a l ways cl o s ed , m a k i n g i t h ard to see wh at yo u wer e even ea ting. S h a n n a h a n d I ca l l ed i t C aveman’s. T h e teen ag ed ho s tes s ha d been tex ti n g b efo re we wa l ked i n , a n d l o o ked up, an n oyed.

“ Hello ther e,” my d a d s a i d , wi n k i n g. H e was al ways wi n ki n g at peo ple.

“ Yea h, you wa n t a ta b l e? ” “ Plea s e.”

She g r a bbed fo u r m enu s a n d l ed u s o ff th ro ug h th e di mn ess.

I imagi ned her ca r r yin g a l a n ter n , l i ke th a t p ers o n wh o g ui ded Dan te throu gh the layer s of H el l .

“ You ca n s it h ere,” s h e s a i d , m o ti o n i n g to a f o l do ut tab l e wi th a du s ty s q u ir r el f ig u r i n e i n th e cen ter.

“At lea s t we g o t th e s q u i r rel ta b l e,” S h a n n ah sai d.

“ Yea h, ju s t wave a t E d over th ere wh en yo u wan t to g et drink s,” the hos tes s s a i d , a n d wa l ked away.

“ Well,” my m o m s a i d , s m o o th i n g h er s k i r t ag ai n . “ I h o p e Ed i s a little m or e polite.”

I g la nced a t th e co u p l e a t th e ta b l e n ex t to us, wh o were si l en t ly working their way th ro u gh p l a tes o f co n g ea l ed m ac an d ch eese. T h ey were you ng , the g ir l p o u ti n g a l i p p i erci n g, th e gu y l o o ki n g l i ke h e j ust wo ke u p f r om a bou t a b i l l i o n h o u rs o f s l ee p. I k i n d o f wan ted to sl ap them, to s ay, “ TAL K ! ” b u t I d i d n’t, o bv i o u s l y. I i m ag i n ed wh at th ei r baby wou ld look like: a s u l l en k i d n ey b ea n .

M y d a d beg a n fu s s i n g wi th h i s s i l verwa re, ar ran g i n g h i s kn i f e and fo r k s o tha t they ca m e o u t fro m h i s p l a te a t d if f eren t an g l es.

“ Well, I cou ld j u s t a b o u t ea t a h o rs e,” h e sai d, l o o ki n g up an d wink ing a t m e a nd S h a n n a h .

“ M e, too, d a d ,” I s a i d , s ta ri n g i n ten s el y a t a stai n o n th e tab l e cloth . I looked over a t S h a n n a h . H er n a p k i n wa s b asi cal l y destroyed, s hards of it s tr ewn a l l over h er l a p.

“ I hea r d f r om yo u r g ra n d m o th er th e o th er day,” my mo m sai d.

“ O h? ” S ha nn a h s a i d .

“ S he s a id her rh eu m a ti s m ’s b een ter ri b l e l atel y, th at sh e wan ts

26

I KIND OF WANTED TO SLAP THEM, TO SAY “TALK!” but I DIdn’t, obviously.

i imagined what their baby would look like: a sullen kidney bean.

to g o o n a tri p to Fl o ri da. S h e th i n ks th e cl i mate wi l l so othe her j o i n ts.”

My dad set down h i s kn i f e an d f o rk sudden l y, to ppling over the sal tsh aker. “ W h at i f we al l to o k a tri p to Fl o ri da?” h e said, his voice taki n g o n a h i g h , th i n to n e. “ Fami l y vacati o n an d al l th at.”

“ W i th Gran dma?” S h an n ah asked.

“ I th i n k th at’s a wo n derf ul i dea,” my mo m sai d, fr owning. She swe p t up th e sal t wi th h er n ap ki n an d made a n eat p i l e o n the side of h er p l ate. “A wo n derf ul i dea. W h at do yo u g uys th i n k?”

“ W i th Gran dma?” I aske d.

“ W h at do yo u g uys wan t to dri n k?” sai d th e wai ter, slither ing o ut o f th e sh adow s. I di dn’t th i n k i t was p ar ti cul arl y h o t in the place, b ut b eads o f sweat ran down h i s l o n g n o se, ski ddi n g o n to his tan polo sh i r t. “ My n ame i s Ed; I ’l l b e h el p i n g yo u o ut.”

“ H ei n eken , p l ease,” my mo m sai d.

My dad rai sed h i s eyeb rows. “ I ’l l h ave a l e mo n ad e,” he said.

Ed scri b b l ed so meth i n g f uri o usl y o n h i s n o te p ad , then tur ned to me an d S h an n ah , eyes b ug g i n g o ut o f h i s h ead l i ke a pr eying m antis.

I i mag i n ed h i m ri p p i n g th e h ead o f f o f th e squi r rel f i g urine and eating i t, man ti s-styl e.

“ I ’l l h ave a ro o t b eer,” I sai d.

“ Me, to o,” S h an n ah sai d. “ C o p ycat.” “ Pun k.”

“Al l ri g h t,” my dad sai d. “ T h at’l l b e al l f o r th e drinks, thank yo u, si r.” H e wi n ked at Ed, so mewh at weari l y.

I p reten ded to read my menu, tr yi n g to rememb er th e l ast tim e we had g o n e o n a f ami l y vacati o n . We’d g o n e up to o ur cab i n i n N or ther n M in n eso ta l ast summer, b ut my mo m di dn’t co me, even th o ugh both she an d my dad h ad th e summers o f f f ro m teach i n g. I t h ad ended up being a two an d a h al f week vacati o n , l o n g er th an we h ad ever taken befor e.

“ W hy di dn’t mo m co me wi th ?” I h ad asked my dad one day, as we wal ked al o n g th e b each , l o o ki n g f o r sh el l s. “ Do esn’t she like the No r th S h o re?”

“ S o meti mes Mo th ers n ee d th ei r own vacati o n ,” he had said. “A sp eci al , al o n e vacati o n .”

“ W h at ab o ut Fath ers?” I asked. H e p i cked up a shell and ex ami n ed i t f o r a f ew seco n ds b ef o re resp o n di n g , smo o th i ng the sand off o f i t wi th h i s th umb.

“ S o meti mes Fath ers do n’t kn ow wh at we n eed, A pr il,” he had sai d. H e p aused f o r a mo men t, b ut th en l o o ked down an d winked. “But ri g h t n ow, I co ul d sure use a f ew mo re o f th ese sh el l s.”

“ H ere’s yo ur ro o t b eers,” Ed sai d, h i s h an ds o utstr etched. His p al ms were so sweaty, h e co ul d b arel y kee p a g ri p o n th e bottles.

“ Buf f et’s al l yo urs,” h e sai d, b owi n g h i msel f away. “T he special to day i s co r n ed b eef an d h ash .”

Ever y ti me we wen t o ut to eat, my p aren ts h ad this idea that, b ef o re yo u g o t yo ur f o o d, yo u sh o ul d h ave to si t an d h ave your soda an d ch i t ch at.

“ Go o d co nversati o n i s th e sauce th at makes th e food taste so much b e tter!” h e wo ul d al ways say, resp o n di n g to o ur h ung r y g r um bles.

T h i s p ar ti c ul ar p re-f o o d co nversati o n seemed to l ast f o r ag es.

T h ro ug h o ut th e co urse o f i t, my dad h ad th e ch an ce to tell us, in detai l , ab o ut each o f th e co n ten ders i n th e PGA ch amp i onship, which I th i n k i s a g o l f th i n g , an d my mo m h ad th e ch an ce to dr ink thr ee H ei n eken s.

Even tual l y, S h an n ah si g h ed an d g o t up, h eadi n g towar ds the f l i ckeri n g l i g h ts o f th e b uf f et, an d we al l f o l l owed. T h e food was sketchy, as usual . Fro m wh at I co ul d tel l , my o p ti o n s were: pink mush, g reen sl i me, te xtured b rown -n ess, an d so me sti ck y wh i te stuff. I no ti ced th at S h an n ah to o k a l i ttl e o f ever yth i n g , so I di d, too, in solidari ty. At l east we co ul d co mp l ai n ab o ut i t to g eth er l ater. My dad whistled as h e sp o o n e d so me o f th e p i n k stuf f o n to h i s p l ate.

“ W h o o -ee! W h at h ave we g o t h ere?” h e sai d, wi g gling his eye -

27

b rows a t m e a n d S h a n n a h.

“I th i n k th a t woul d b e a f l esh o f so me so r t,” S h an n ah sai d.

“M a r vel o u s,” my mo m sai d. “ My f l esh i n take h as b een f ar to o l ow l a tel y.” I th i n k s h e mean t i t as a j o ke, b ut my dad f rown ed, f o r s o m e rea s o n .

We m a d e o u r way b ack to th e tab l e, an d my p aren ts b eg an to ea t raven o u s l y, p ro b a b l y so th at th ey wo ul dn’t h ave to tal k to each o th er. S h a n n a h ro l l ed h er eyes an d si p p ed h er ro o t b eer. Fo r my p ar t, I p o ked a t my fo o d , tes tin g o ut i ts g l o p -f acto r wi th my f o rk. Fi n g er fo o d , my b u tt. T h en , s o meth i n g caug h t my eye; a l i ttl e b l ack an t was m a k i n g i ts way a cro s s th e tab l e. I t ski ttered al o n g , strai g h t i n to my m o m ’s p i l e o f g reen gl o o p.

“M o m ,” I mu r mured.

“H m m ? ” M y m om sai d, mo uth f ul l .

“M o m ,” I s a i d . “S to p !” I sh oved h er p l ate un der h er n o se.

“A p ri l , wh a t th e, why are yo u--” S h e sto p p ed sudden l y an d g a g g ed . “O h , my g o d . Ji m, th ey’re an ts. T h ere are an ts i n th e f o o d.”

S h e s p i t th e co n t en ts o f h er mo uth i n to h er n ap ki n an d b eg an co ug h i n g.

“W h a t’s a l l th i s ab o ut o n e l i ttl e an t?” my dad sai d, wi n ki n g at S h a n n a h . S q u i n ti n g i n the di m l i g h ti n g , h e to o k h i s p h o n e o ut o f h i s p o cket a n d tu r n ed o n th e f l ash l i g h t, sh i n i n g i t o n h i s f o o d. “ S weet Jes u s o f N a z a reth ,” h e s ai d, g ap i n g. An an t stro l l ed casual l y acro ss h i s fo rk . H e b eg a n to g a g.

“D a d , n o,” S h a nn ah sai d, h er vo i ce ri si n g i n al ar m. My dad h a d a d el i ca te s to m a ch ; l ast ti me h e f o un d a h ai r i n h i s so up, h e h ad to l eave th e ro o m a n d l i e down . H i s eyes b eg an to water. “ No, dad,” Shannah said.

“Ji m , g o to th e bath ro o m, f o r C h ri st’s sake,” my mo m sai d.

“I ’ m fi n e,” my dad sai d. H e wi p ed so me sweat f ro m h i s f o re h ea d . “I feel j u s t fi n e.”

“Yo u l o o k g reen ,” my mo m sai d. “ Just g o to th e b ath ro o m, Ji m .”

“I to l d yo u , I ’ m —” H e covered h i s mo uth sudden l y, th en s h o o k h i s h ea d . “I ’ m fi n e. Ever yth i n g i s f i n e.”

“E ver yth i n g i s n o t f i n e, Ji m. Yo u h ave a del i cat e sto mach , yo u n eed to g o to th e b a th ro o m. Do n’t b e such a b ul l h ead.”

My d a d s h o o k h i s h ead, p ressi n g a n ap ki n to h i s mo uth .

“G et over yo u r pri de an d g o to th e g o ddamn b ath ro o m,” my mom said.

“Fo r th e l a s t ti me, Mar y, I am FI NE,” my dad sai d, th en l ean ed over th e s i d e o f th e ta b l e an d h o rked.

My m o m s h o o k h er h ea d i n di sg ust, ro l l i n g h er eyes.

“C h eck , p l ea s e,” sh e cal l ed.

I h el d my n a p k i n over my mo uth ; l et me tel l yo u, Fi n g er man’s d i d n o t l o o k mu ch b etter co mi n g b ack up. S o o n , Ed came r un n i n g over, h i s b u g g y eyes d a r ti n g a ro un d th e tab l e i n p an i c.

“W h a t i s g o i n g o n over h e re?” h e de man ded, p o ki n g th e tab l e fo r em p h a s i s. H i s fi n g er l ef t a l i ttl e mo i st sp o t o n th e tab l ecl o th .

“Yo u r fo o d ,” my mo m sai d, h er mo uth sn ap p i n g i n to a scowl , “I s fu l l o f a n ts.”

“I ’ m s o r r y m a ’ a m, b ut th at can’t b e,” Ed sai d. “ We h ave th e s tri ctes t o f h ea l th i n s p ect i o n s i n p l ace h ere at Fi n g er man’s, an d we p ri d e o u rs el ves o n --”

“O h yea h ? ” My mo m sai d, g etti n g up f ro m h er ch ai r. “ W hy d o n’t yo u i n s p ect my h u sb an d’s vo mi t, th en ? I t was made f resh , ri g h t h ere i n Fi n g er m a n’s.”

Me a n d S h a n n a h rai sed o ur eyeb row s at each o th er; th o se H ei n eken s h a d cer ta i n l y g iven h er co n f i den ce.

My d a d g o t u p fro m h i s ch ai r, wi p i n g h i s mo uth ag ai n an d ag ai n wi th his napkin.

“S i r, I h a te to d o th i s,” Ed sai d, addressi n g my dad n ow, “ b ut we’re g o i n g to h ave to a d d o n a smal l cl ean i n g f ee to yo ur to tal tab to d ay.” H e ra n h i s fi n g ers th ro ug h h i s h ai r, b l i n ki n g re p eatedl y. “ I t’s j ust th a t i t’s o u r p o l i cy o n o ccasi o n s l i ke th i s.”

28

“O n o cca s i o n s l ike th i s?” my mo m sai d, g rab b i n g h er p l ate an d s h ov i n g i t u n d er E d ’s n o se. “ Tel l me, j ust h ow o f ten , exactl y, do yo ur cu s to m ers vo m i t? ”

“I t’s fi n e, Ma r y, I ’l l j ust p ay i t, I sh o ul d’ve made i t to th e b athro o m ,” my d a d s a i d , r u n ni n g h i s f i n g ers th ro ug h h i s h ai r.

“N o, Ji m , yo u wi l l n o t p ay i t. Go d, th at i s j ust l i ke yo u, g ivi n g u p a t th e fi rs t s i gn o f tro ub l e.”

Fo r a s eco n d , my dad l o o ked sh o cked, l i ke h e’d b een sl ap p ed.

T h en , h i s fa ce g o t red . Hi s vo i ce was an g r y, j ust ab ove a wh i sp er, b ut m e a n d S h a n n a h co u l d s ti l l h ear.

“O h , s o n ow i t’s my f aul t?”

“W h a t i s ? ”

“O h , yo u k n ow ver y wel l . An d h ere I th o ug h t I was tr yi n g.”

“I d o n’t , a ctu a l l y; p l ease en l i g h ten me. Are yo u sayi n g i t’s n o t yo u r fa u l t th a t, fo r th e past year, yo u’ve b een mo re di stan t th an Pl u to ? ”

My d a d wa s s i l ent f o r a mo men t, th en tur n ed to Ed.

“I f yo u ’ l l excu s e me, I n eed to use th e restro o m,” h e sai d, th en g o t u p a n d wa l ked away.

My m o m s a t d own an d l o o ked at h er l ap. At th i s p o i n t, ever y o n e i n th e res ta u ra n t wa s stari n g. Ed l o o ked mo re p an i cked th an ever; h e cl ea rl y h a d n o cl u e h ow to resp o n d to th e si tuati o n . Al l o f a sud d en , my m o m l o o ked u p, h er r ub b er-b an d smi l e sn ap p i n g i n to p l ace.

“I ’ m s o gl a d we were al l ab l e to g o o ut to di n n er to g eth er,” s h e s a i d . “B es i d es th e few an ts, i t’s b een real l y n i ce.”

S h e l o o ked a t m e an d S h an n ah , an d h er eyes wel l ed up a l i ttl e b i t, h er s m i l e d ro o p i n g.

“W h o a m I k i d di n g ? T h i s was a ter ri b l e i dea. I ’m so r r y, g i rl s.”

“N o, m o m , I h a d a g reat ti me,” S h an n ah sai d. “ H o n est. I di dn’t even g et a n y a n ts. S ee? ” S h e h el d h er p l a te u p fo r my mo m to see, wh o smi l ed a l i ttl e.

“T h a t’s s weet o f yo u, h o n ey, b ut yo u do n’t h ave to say th at,” she said.

“I h a d a n i ce ti m e, to o, mo m,” I sai d. I t was o bvi o usl y a l i e- I wa s n’t a s g o o d a t l yi n g as S h an n ah - b ut i t sti l l seemed to ch eer h er up a l i ttl e.

“I ’ m a ver y l u ck y mo m,” sh e sai d, g ivi n g each o f o ur h an ds a l i ttl e s q u eez e.

Ju s t th en , my d ad came b ack f ro m th e b ath ro o m. H i s ch eeks were f l u s h ed , a n d h e l o o ked a l i ttl e dazed.

“I p u ked a g a i n ,” h e sai d, si tti n g down , “ an d wh i l e I was do i n g s o, I rea l i z ed yo u were ri g h t, Mar y; we’re n o t p ayi n g th e f ee.”

“Rea l l y? ” s h e s a i d .

“Rea l l y. We’ l l u se th e mo n ey we wo ul d’ve sp en t o n i t to g e t ta keo u t o n th e way h o m e; h ave a p ro p er f ami l y di n n er.”

T h e l i n es a ro u n d my m o m’s eyes so f ten ed a l i ttl e b i t.

“Let’s g o, gi rl s,” sh e sai d.

T h e two o f th em g o t up, exi ti n g th e restaur an t. Me an d S h an n a h fo l l owed . We g o t i n to th e car i n si l en ce, an d I stared o ut th e wi n d ow, tr yi n g to p ro ces s wh at h ad j ust h ap p en ed. My p h o n e l i t up ; I h ad a text fro m S h a n n a h . I t read,

“s es h 1 o f th erap y = cmp l ete.”

29

Ariel Wood Grasp Hard-ground etching and aquatint.

11” x 14”

30

LA BELLE DAME SANS MERCI: A BALLAD ERIK BROWN

T he bla ck a nd wh i te l i n o l eu m s eemed to E d wa r d G ri m es a n en d l es s s tream of checker ed p a tter n a s h e s tared d own the va s t co r ri d o r b efo re him. T he f loor ing wa s rem i n i s cen t, h e tho u g ht, of a Ger m a n ex p res s i o n i s t film, s omet hing conjured u p by La n g o r Wien e.

O n tha t note, E d wa rd ’s m i n d cou ld n ot help bu t wa n d er to o th er wo rk s of ex pr es s io n i s t a r t h e h a d commi tted to memor y, a ta s k h e fel t to be his d u ty g iven th e s h eer a m o u n t of adm ir a tion he ha d fo r th em . H e s aw in his m ind ’s eye M u n ch ’s T he S c r ea m s tanding bef or e him - o i l , tem p era , a n d pas tel on ca r d boa r d . S u rel y E d wa rd cou ld h ave g one on li ke th i s fo r s o m e time if it wer e not f o r th e m o re p res s ing ma tter now a t ha n d .

T his isn’t necessa r i l y b a d . N o, definitely no t . M a y b e she ju st ha d a ha r d time und erst a nd ing it , bu t t ho u ght i t wa s bril lian t . Or m a y b e she’s go i n g t o r ec o m m en d a f ew co nf er ences she t hi n k s I sho u l d p r esen t at.

E d wa r d ’s m in d wa s ra ci n g a s he s at ou ts id e Pr of es s o r K a n d i n s k y’s office, wa it ing f or her to em erg e. H er cou rs e, S t ud ies in 19t h C en t u r y R o m a n t i cism, had been s om ewh a t o f a n o b s es s ion o f his this s em es ter, a n d a s th e day’s lectu r e ca me to a n en d h e wa s overco m e by a s u r r ea l awa ren es s th a t he wo u ld never be a tten d i n g i t a g a i n .

T he pr of es s o r m erel y g ave a few wor d s on her a pp reci a ti o n fo r th e wo rk th e cla s s ha d d o n e a n d wi s h ed them well in f u tu r e en d eavo rs. A n d ,

wi th th a t, i t was al l over. Mo st o f h i s cl a s s m a tes wal ked o ut o f th e l ecture h a l l i n s m al l g ro up s, tal ki n g ch eerf ul l y a m o n gst th emsel ves ab o ut summer p l a n s, o r th ei r rel i ef at th e th o ug h t o f b ei n g do n e wi th al l th e p ap ers an d rea d i n gs an d p resen tati o n s th e cl ass h a d d em an ded o f th em. Edward was th e l a s t o n e o ut an d h e wal ked al o n e.

H e f el t th e wh o l e th i n g to b e a b i t o f an an ti cl i max. T h e co urse h a d p l ayed such a l arg e ro l e i n h i s l i fe d u ri n g th e l ast th ree an d a h al f m o n th s, h ad co n sumed so much o f h i m , th a t i t seemed wr o n g f o r i t al l to en d on such an i n g l o ri o us n o te.

E d wa rd r ecal l ed th e mul ti tude o f h o urs h e s p en t i n th e l i b rar y, sco uri n g i ts res o u rces f o r sup p l emen tar y materi al s – s ch o l a r l y ar ti cl es, auth o r b i o g rap h i es, a n y rel a ted wo rks – wh eth er i t was req u i red o f h i m o r n o t. S o me days h e wo u l d enter th e l i b rar y wh i l e th e sun wa s s h i n i n g b ri g h tl y an d, up o n l eavi n g , h e wo u l d b e met o n l y wi th darkn ess. I t wo u l d h ave un settl ed h i m i f h e di dn’t fi n d h i s wo rk th ere to b e such a val u a b l e u s a g e o f ti me.

Edward th o ug h t to o o f th e s a cri fi ces h e h ad made i n h i s p ursui t o f l i tera r y educ ati o n . H e h ad tran sf er red to th e u niversi ty at th e b eg i n n i n g o f th e s emester, co n f i den t th at th e th i n gs h e l ef t b eh i n d wo ul d easi l y b e re p l a ced by th e th i n g s h e wo ul d g ai n .

T h e g ra d uati o n rate was h i g h er h ere th a n a t h i s p revi o us un iversi ty an d th e a cce p ta n ce rate, l ower. Academi cal l y, i t wa s the ri g h t th i n g to do – surel y i t

was. Or at l east th at’s what he would tel l h i msel f o n t h o se o ccasions when, l yi n g awake i n b ed o r walking to class by h i msel f o n a co l d Autum n day, he wo ul d rememb er th e l o o k on Bill’s face wh en h e overh eard Edwar d talking to h i s advi so r o n th e p h o n e, asking about h ow wel l h i s credi ts wo uld tr ansfer. On th ese o ccasi o n s, Edward would r em ind h i msel f th at h e mi ssed h is fr iend, and th at h e must star t tr yi n g to m ake a b etter ef f o r t to stay i n touch, like he p ro mi sed h e wo ul d.

Yes, Edward sacr ificed ver y much to b e wh ere h e was now and, i n l i g h t o f al l th i s, h e expected the co urse’s co n cl usi o n to b e som ething mo re – to make h i m f eel som ething mo re. But, f o r so me reason, it didn’t.

But, o n th i s p ar ticular occa si o n , Edward was al ready in a funny mo o d, an d h e f i g ured th is was the cause o f h i s di sap p o i n tment. T his was th e day Pro f esso r K an di nsk y r etur ned th e f i n al p ap ers to th e cl ass, a day that Edward h ad b een eag erl y awaiting for so me ti me n ow. T h e students wer e to use o n e o f th e texts cover ed dur ing the semester to p ro p o se a l ar g er, r esear ch b ased arg umen t i n f i f teen to twenty p ag es. As h i s text, Edward had chosen Jo h n Keats’ L a Belle D am e san s Mer c i, o n e o f h i s f avo ri te p o ems. He had al ways b een f asci n ated the poem ’s for m an d str ucture, n amel y th e lack of punc tuati o n i n th e f i n al l i n e; it ended with o ut a p eri o d an d, to Edwar d’s scholar ly mi n d, al ways h un g r y f o r analysis, this i g n i ted co un tl ess questi o ns whose

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ans wer s he cou ld not wa i t to d i s cover.

He wen t to the libr a r y th e ver y d ay th e pap er wa s a s s ig ned , im m ed i a tel y a fter clas s.

E d wa r d r ea d Kea ts ’ en ti re b i o g rap hy, hoping to g et fro m i t a s en s e o f the po et’s ba ckg r ou nd a n d p h i l o s o p h i es.

E dward r ea d nu mer ous b o o k s o n th e his to r y of ea r ly-19th cen tu r y E n gl a n d to g ain ins ig ht into th e h i s to ri ca l con tex t of the time in wh i ch th e p o em was wr itten. E d wa r d sco u r ed th ro u gh the ma ny s chola r ly a r ti cl es wr i tten o n Keats ’ a nd his wor k, ta k i n g b i ts o f th ei r argu ments to f or m his own .

Af ter a ll of th i s, E d wa rd fo u n d his thes is : tha t Kea ts refra i n ed fro m pu n ctu a ting the f ina l l i n e o f h i s p o em to convey a s ens e of th e en d l es s p a i n and s uf f e r ing of los t l ove. I n j u s t th ree week s, having d evoted n ea rl y ever y nigh t to it, the pa per wa s fi n i s h ed – twen ty pa g es ex a ctly. S o p ro u d wa s E dward of his wor k, s o s u re i t wa s to be met with a ccla im, th a t h e wa s d u m b s tr u ck – a nd s om ewhat h o r ri fi ed – to find th e pa per r etu r ned to h i m wi th no thin g mor e tha n the wo rd s see m e a f t er class s cr a tched in r ed i n k a cro s s th e to p of the f ir s t pa g e.

E d wa r d s ta r e d a t th e l i n o l eu m f loo r, h is thou g hts ju m p i n g fro m o n e thin g to the ne x t a s th ey o ften d i d , preven ting him f r om ta k i n g th e ti m e to really cons id er a ny of th em . H e d i d n’t kn ow then tha t a f ter th e m eeti n g h e wo u ld think d if f er entl y o f th e f l o o ri n g.

In ju s t s ix minu tes E d wa rd wo u l d l eave Profes sor K a nd ins k y’s o ffi ce a n d th e tiles th a t s lid u nd er nea th h i s d ra g gi n g feet in a r e pea ting cha i n o f wh i te a n d black wou ld ma ke him th i n k o n l y o f the inevita bility of th i n gs. I n s i x m i n u tes h e wou ld think d i fferen tl y to o o f Keats ’ poem. I t wou ld n o l o n g er s eem to him a r ef lection on l o s t l ove. A fter the meeting , E d wa r d wo u l d co m e to s ee it as a wa r ning a g a inst d el u s i o n – o r a war nin g a g a ins t r ecogn i z i n g d el u s i o n .

B u t th e poem, a nd wh a tever Kea ts meant by it, wou ld n’t m a tter to h i m , becau se in s ix minu tes h e wo u l d s ee i t on ly as a collection o f i n k a n d p a p er.

He wo u ld u nd er s ta nd i ts fra i l ty a n d h i s own .

Wa lking ou t o f th e o ffi ce, a tho u g ht wou ld occu r to E d wa rd . H e wo u ld think ba ck to th e l a s t ti m e h e s aw B i ll a nd how B ill h a d to l d h i m th a t the on ly r ea s on he wa s tra n s fer ri n g was beca u s e he thou gh t ever yo n e h er e was dumber t ha n him . B i l l a p o l o gi z ed s ho r tly a f ter. I t ha d n ever o ccu r red to E dward tha t he s hou l d h ave a p o l o gi z ed to B ill, bu t in s ix minu tes i t wo u l d . I n

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j u s t s i x mi nutes, a mi cro co sm o f th e ti m e i t too k to p ro duce th e th i n g wh i ch Pro fes s o r K an di n sk y cal l ed h i m to h er o ffi ce to di scuss, Edward Gri mes wo ul d b e to l d th at th e f i n al l i n e o f h i s co p y o f L a Belle D ame sans M er ci co n tai n ed a typ o

GOLDEN EXTERIORS DANNY BUCK

PART I

T h e ar t o f n ar rati o n h as b een l o st amo n g mo der n o rato rs. Ever yone is s o fo cu sed o n detai l s, quo tes, f i g ures an d un b i ased acco un ts. T h ese ar e of cour se a d m i ra b le p ursui ts, th ey rel ay qual i ty i n f o r mati o n , b ut o n l y so f ar as author s a n d re p o r ters do n o t stri p th e tal e o f i ts b eauty. To o scarcel y do I now r ead of fa eri es a n d mag i c. T h ey h ave b een cut f ro m th e n ews; suf f o cated and outcast by th e co n g est i o n an d un i mag i n ative th i n ki n g o f th e ci ti es. T h ei r ab sence, though, d o es n’t m ean th ey do n’t exi st.

L i kewi se, i f ever a l i ttl e b oy exp ects to h ave an adven ture of the faer ie s to r y k i nd, h e must h ave a f o rest n earby; o n e wi th tal l , l o o mi n g trees and dee p, d a rk , u n exp l o red co r n e rs. W h ere mag i c can wo rk away f ro m h o r n blar es and sew er l i n es. Mat th ew O’C o n n er h ad j ust such a f o rest.

H e l ive d i n a quai n t, l i ttl e vi l l ag e. T h e men wo rked i n town, dr iving a ro u n d to th e so un ds o f b i g b an d j azz, so th at as th e sun set th ei r wives could b a ke p i es an d si n g wi th th e l i ttl e ch i l dren . T h e g ran dmas ro cked i n their chair s a n d th e g ran dp as l ectured to an yo n e wh o wo ul d l i sten . Ever yth i n g that is or di n a r y a l ways h ap p en ed. Of co urse, as th ese ki n d o f sto ri es set i n th ese kind of town s g o, n o o n e ever ven tured i n to th e mo st un o rdi n ar y f o rest.

On o n e o f th o se si l l y sch o o l b oy dares, M atth ew ki cked h i s ball up to the d eck o f h i s h o use an d asked h i s Gran df ath er ab o ut th e f o rest. H e was ner vous in

anticip a tion of a r ebu ke fo r h i s u n r u l y q u er y. To hi s sur p ri se, rath er th an l ean i n g forward with a g r a nd fa th erl y s cowl , th e o l d m a n s at b ack, si l en t, exce p t f o r th e g en tle cr eek of his r o ck i n g ch a i r.

“ I d o r em em b er,” h e fi n a l l y b eg a n , o n l y to p ause o n ce mo re. H i s h ai r y knu ck les knocke d on th e a r m res t. “I d o rem em b er as a b oy yo ur ag e, yo ur g reat g ran dm other, my moth er, to l d m e n o t to g o th ere. Was un saf e. Just l i ke yo u, tho u g h, I never d id li ke to l i s ten . O n e d ay, b rave a s I th o ug h t I was, I wen t i n . I g ot lost, s ca r ed . S ta r ted t o tea r u p, b u t a s I cri ed a f aeri e ap p ro ach ed. No t o n e like you r ea d a bou t in th o s e s ch o o l b o o k s. I m ea n a real f aeri e. S h e l o o ked j ust like a g entle, a g ed wo m a n , n o t u n l i ke yo u r d ea r o l d g ran dmo th er. Ni cer to me, tho u g h.” He winked . A fter th i s, h e l ea n ed b a ck i n co n temp l ati o n an d sai d n o t h i n g more.

PART II

Suzanne Peterson The Weight Of Overindulgence Glass.

T he f ir e f ina l l y s to p p ed . T h u s b eg a n th e n ew o rdi n ar y.

N ow, I wis h I co u l d reco u n t th i s ta l e a s a h ap p y o n e, ri p e wi th si n g i n g s prites a nd f lying d r ya d s, b u t a tel l er o f ta l es mu s t remai n tr ue to th e f acts an d s o will I . M a tthew wip ed th e d u s t fro m h i s fa ce; mud mi xed wi th tears. Af ter to o lon g o f nothing mor e– n o th i n g b u t s i l en ce, b ea ts, b reath , so r row– Matth ew, wi th s ho es unla ced , r a n. L i ke a s ta l ked g a z el l e, h e ra n o ut o f town , h o oves car r yi n g him, away f r om r ea lity, away fro m th e s m o k i n g r u b b l e th at was o n ce h i s h o use, pas t hi s d ef la ted ba ll, a n d i n to th e fo res t. T h e trees p ai d h i m n o h eed. No n e bowed a s he pa s s ed . S ti l l , o n h e g a l l o p ed , tel l i n g hi msel f o n e mo re h i l l an d th e pain wou ld f ina lly end . W i th a s h ri ek , Ma tth ew fel l g rasp i n g h i s an kl e, th e ro o t already r e ce d ing into th e s h a d ows. T h e p i n es l i s tened as h e we p t an d th ei r sap ran with pity. T he d a r k n es s d rew n ea rer a n d , wh en h i s eyes f i n al l y cl o sed, i t l eap t on h im. Af t er s om e ti m e, h e awo ke, h i s s ch o o l u n i f o r m stai n ed an d muddi ed by his fall. With s or e mus cl es h e l i fted h i s h ea d .

T he s u n ha d n o t yet fu l l y ri s en , b u t b ea m s o f l i g h t over th e h o ri zo n , mes s eng er s f or their k i n g, a n n o u n ced h i s a r riva l . T h ei r vo i ces i l l umi n ated th e s u r round ing s s o M a tth ew co u l d fa i n tl y s ee th e cove i n wh i ch h e sat. I t was b o rdered by over ha ng ing trees a n d s h r u b b eri es. A wi l l ow sto o d at h i s h ead wi th mel ancho ly leaves a nd a p l u s h b ed o f m o s s l ay s p rawl ed un der n eath . To h i s sur p ri se, the fores t wa s n’t s ca r y a t a l l . I ca n tel l yo u fro m p erso n al exp eri en ce th at f o rests can actu a lly be q u ite co m fo r ta b l e.

W hen he wa s a g a i n fu l l y awa ke, M a tth ew a n xi o usl y ch ecked h i s p o cket.

T h e letter f r om his g ra n d fa th er, wo r n a n d s m ea red f ro m use, was sti l l th ere, co n s tant a s the old ma n u s ed to b e i n h i s ro cker. B u t th e co mf o r t o f th i s p ap er di d no t last long , f or a f igu re l ay i n th e s h a d ow a cro s s th e cove. T h e o utl i n e o f a tai l os cillated behind it.

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O ne paw s te p p ed fo rwa rd a n d th en th e n ext. T h e g ras s s eem ed to bow b efo re i ts i m m en s e fo r m . I n to th e l i g h t the fig u r e s te pped , hi s co a t a n o b l er g o l d th a n th e sun n ow ris en h ig h. A ma ne s u r ro u n d ed th e teeth , n o s e, a n d wh i s kers ; ever y pa r t ter r ib l e to o b s er ve exce p t i ts eyes. T h ey were g entle, blu e, d ee p, th e b l u es t eyes M a tth ew h ad ever s een and – to his s u r p ri s e– b l u r red wi th tea rs. “ Hello, s on of ma n,” i t s a i d , “yo u ’re n o t th e o n l y on e to g rieve over you r f ir e s tri cken town .”

PART III

B ef or e I conti nu e, I mu s t h ere co m m en t. At th e academ ic level ther e h a s b een a s h a m efu l l a ck o f research into th e na tu r e of the fa eri e s p eci es. I mys el f h ave seen o n e befo re. I t looked noth i n g l i ke th e a n i m a l n ow b efo re Mat thew n or the old m a id h i s g ra n d fa th er s aw, ra th er i t was a s prig htly little thing , a l m o s t i m p l i ke. I t f l u ttered aro un d in the a ir with f ea ther y wi n gs wea ri n g gi a n t wo o l so cks an d a f lop py winter ha t. S p ea k i n g o n l y fro m i n tu i ti o n , i t seems that faer ies have no n a tu ra l fo r m ; th ey i n s tea d ta ke th at which the s eeker need s. M a tth ew’s n eed wa s g rea t an d, th us, s o was this f a er ie.

T he L ion chu ck l ed .

“ How r u d e of m e,” h e s a i d . H e th en l ea p t to th e oth er s id e of the cove, s i l en t a s h e l a n d ed , a n d s m il ed throu gh his now-d r ied eyes. “M y n a m e i s E l i j a h .”

M a tthew blin ked .

“And hello to yo u to o,” E l i j a h co n ti nu ed .

M a tthew blin ked a g a i n .

“ You r a n her e i n q u i te a r u s h . Tel l m e, wh at were yo u r u n ning f r om? ” th e l i o n a s ked .

Matth ew s a id nothing. E l i j a h ’s ta i l f l i cked . H e g r u m b l ed mer rily. O f cou r s e, a s a fa eri e, E l i j a h k n ew th e a n swer to th e q u es tion, bu t he wis h ed Ma tth ew to k n ow a s wel l .

“ T he f ir e,” M a tth ew m a n a g ed to wh i s p er, sti l l qui te u ncer ta in a bou t his cur ren t p red i ca m en t.

“ Well, yes. An d ? ” E l i j a h p ri ed .

M a tthew s q u i n ted , co cked h i s h ea d to th e si de, an d met th e lion’s g a ze. Q u i te a fu n n y i m a g e th o s e two were. Af ter ano ther pa u s e, the l i o n d ro p p ed to th e g ro u n d , th e l eaves hap py to m a ke a bed .

“ L ets s ta r t wi th a s i m p l er co nvers a ti o n ,” the l i o n s aid. “How a r e you ? ”

“ S ca r ed ,” M atth ew re p l i ed .

“ O f the d es tr u cti o n ? ”

“ Yes a nd no. I d u n n o.”

“ L ets tr y s om eth i n g. C l o s e yo u r eyes. I m a gi n e yo ur town as you ju s t lef t i t.”

Matth ew ima g ined him s el f a g a i n i n h i s fa th er’s l a p wi th a q u ar ter of his town b u r n ed d own ; h i s fri en d ’s h o u se sti l l ablaze, the pu b a cha r red fra m e.

“ Now think h a rd er a n d exp l a i n h ow yo u feel .”

T he boy tu r ned fro m h i s s u r ro u n d i n gs, p u sh i n g , s train ing his vis ion on to h i s i n n er a n d , a t th i s p o i n t qui te du s ty, s elf. M a tthew’s b r ow s cr u n ch ed u p. N ever h ad h e used his s ig ht in s u ch a pecu l i a r way b efo re.

“ Ta ke you r ti m e, n ow,” E l i j a h en co u ra g ed .

T he m em or y o f th e fi re q u i ck l y fa d ed a n d Mat thew n ow g r oped with h a n d s o u ts tretch ed th ro u gh a h azy dark. H e br u s hed a g ai n s t a s m o o th o b j ect covered i n wi r y hair an d q u ickly pu lled away. H e rea l i z ed h e n eed n’t b e s cared, thou g h; it wa s o n l y h i s g ra n d fa th er’s b a l d , ol d h ead.

He reached ba ck ou t, b u t g ra s p ed o n l y a i r, th e fi gure n ow

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reach ed b ack o ut, b ut g rasp ed o n l y ai r, th e f i g ur e now farth er away. H e ran cl o ser, b ut h i s g ran df ath er continued to move f ar th er o n an d so Matth ew b eg an to sp ri nt.

Un ab l e to see, h e ch arg ed th ro ug h th e m ist and even tual l y stumb l ed i n to a th ro n e ro o m. I n si de, the sm oke th i n n ed an d h e saw n o th i n g b ut g l o r y: th e wal ls and ceiling l i ttered wi th o r n ate car vi n g s an d p ai n ti n g s. Di str acted, he wal ked over t o a co l umn , wh i ch i n stead o f Jove or Er os de p i cted a f o o tb al l p l ayer h e l i ked, f al l i n g b ack to kick a ball i n to a n et th at rested aro un d th e o th er si de. H e ke pt looking an d f o un d an o th er co l umn th at wo re a co l l ag e of musical i n str umen ts. To h i s sur p r i se, n o t a si n g l e co l umn car r ied an i mag e o f th e Go ds, b ut o n l y th i n g s Matth ew l oved. Each co l umn h ad a p ar tn er, i mmen se, reach i n g up to the ceiling an d th en down al o n g towards th e th ro n e to make a cor r idor.

I n th e o th er di recti o n , th ey di sap p eared i n to the sm oke.

A dee p mah o g an y wo o den f l o o r stretched all the way up t o a th i ck o n yx p i l l ar up o n wh i ch th e high seat lay.

T h e sh adow o f h i s g ran df ath er sto o d sto i cal l y ag ainst it, b ecko n i n g h i s g ran dso n to cl i mb. Exh austed, Matthew tr ied.

H an d b e h an d, f o o t by f o o t, h e b eg an th e ascent, hanging o n l y by h i s f i n g er ti p s i n th e sp arse cran n i es o f the stone.

W i th ever y i n ch f ear g rew an d, wh en h e al mo st r eached the to p, h e l o o ked down . Ter ro r kn ows n o mercy when allowed to wi el d a p h o b i a. I t f o rced sweat o ut o n to Matthew’s br ow, match i n g th e l i qui d wel l i n g up i n h i s eyes. H i s hand slipped an d h e f el l .

A sh o ck wave ri p p l ed f ro m h i s b ack to chest to h ead an d f o rced a sh o ut th ro ug h h i s l un g s. Matthew looked up i n to th e dee p, b l ue ey es p eeri n g down at h i m and asked, “ W h at j ust h ap p en ed?”

“ Yo u’re f i n al l y tr yi n g to b e h o n est. You looked i n si de to f i n d wh at yo u’ve h i dden f ro m yo urself,” he r e plied. “ T h e tr uth wi l l co me wi th ti me.”

PART IV

T h at day, Mat th ew wan dered b ack i n to the ner vewracked ar ms o f h i s wai ti n g mo th er. Days p assed and school b eg an to ref o cus i n h i s l i f e. H e muddi ed h i s p ants in the f i el d an d sc rap ed h i s kn ees o n th e p l ayg ro un d. T he teacher s dro n ed o n wh i l e Matth ew b o b b ed h i s h ead. T hat weekend th e town b an ded to g eth er to b eg i n reco n str uction after the cal ami ty an d p rovi de f o r th o se ef f ected. H e still pr efer r ed th e days, th o ug h , f o r as th e sk y darken ed ever y evening, his th o ug h ts co ul d n o t avo i d th e r ub b l e th at was his house.

On e n i g h t, a week af ter h i s f i rst en co unter with Eli j ah , Matth ew wo ke up sweati n g f ro m th e h eat in his dr eam .

H e ro l l ed o f f th e mattress, di stressed, an d p aced ar ound h i s ro o m. Wel l , h i s aun t’s g uest ro o m f o r Matthew’s fam i l y n ow stayed wi th h er. S cared to p ester h i s p ar ents over a dream co n cer n i n g th ei r r ui n ed h o use an d an ti cipating the co mf o r t o f El i j ah , h e l ef t th e h o use. On ce ag ain he r an past th e l o o mi n g trees an d o n to th e cove. H e en tered to Eli j ah h avi n g a ro l l i n th e di r t. T h e l i o n sto p p ed abr uptly and stared.

“ W h at?” th e L i o n sai d. H i s eyes g l ared

Matth ew, to o yo un g to n o ti ce th e l i o n’s im patience, exp l ai n ed h i s n i g h tmare. El i j ah b reath ed an exasper ated b reath an d sai d, “ C o me o n , I can h el p.”

H e mo ti o n ed f o r Matth ew to si t down and close his eyes. Just as b ef o re, th e b oy f o cused h i s mi n d and ventur ed th ro ug h a wi sp y, f an ci f ul dream, h i s emo ti o n s m anifested

into im a g es. Af ter a ti m e, h e awo ke to a s wea ty b row, qui ck ened h ea r t, a nd s m ilin g l i o n .

“ You ’r e g ettin g cl o s er,” E l i j a h s a i d .

I n the weeks en s u i n g, Ma tth ew’s l i fe ca r ri ed o n i n this pecu lia r way. He s tu d i ed , h e p l ayed , a n d p a s s ed h i s ti me like a nor m a l boy, bu t ever y th i rd d ay o r s o, h e m a de h i s way out t o the f or es t to s ee E l i j a h . T h e d rea m s wer e stress fu l an d lef t him f a tig u ed , b u t fo r s o m e rea s o n h e fel t l i ke there wa s pr og r es s of s o m e k i n d i n th es e m eeti n gs ; at f i rst, he always r a n d is tr es s ed wi th tea rs i n h i s eyes, b u t as ti me pas s ed he cou ld g o wi th s m i l e o n h i s fa ce s i m p l y to tal k t o his friend . E lija h wa s n ea rl y a l ways j oyo u s a n d h el p f ul , o n l y occas io na lly s lipping a n i m p erce p ti b l e f l a s h o f i m perf ecti o n .

I t may s eem b i z a r re fo r a b oy to r u n u n a cco mp a nied in to a f or es t, pur p o s efu l l y s eek i n g o u t s tres s f ul dreams, bu t it rea lly is q u ite th e co n tra r y. I h a d a to o th a ch e o n ce.

Co u ldn’t ea t s cones wi th my co ffee fo r n ea rl y a m on th so I wen t to the d entis t. I s crea m ed l i ke a m a d m a n u n d er th at drill o f tha t d entis t f o r n ea rl y h a l f a n h o u r. B u t I came ou t over joyed f or I co u l d o n ce a g a i n en j oy a tr u e, d el i ci o us breakfas t .

PART V

M a tthew hig h fived h i s favo ri te b ra n ch a s h e ran pas t, th e tr ees now a ccu s to m ed to h i s v i s i ts. I t wa s th ree mon ths s ince his f ir s t v i s i t a n d h e ca m e n ow ca r r yin g n o t tu r moi l or s tr if e, only h i s b a l l . H e h u rd l ed th e l a s t b ush excited f or his vis it wi th E l i j a h , b u t h a s ti l y d ove b ack. Two rows o f teeth ha d s nap p ed a t h i s a n k l es.

Sa f ely on the o th er s i d e o f th e b u s h , Ma tthew to o k a mo ment to br ea th a n d th en ri s ked a p eek b a ck over to examin e his s itu a tion. I n E l i j a h ’s u s u a l s p o t res ted a p i ti f ul creatu re. M a tthew’s eyes l o o ked a t th e ta i l , d o r m a n t i n th e dir t, and then ex a m in ed th e res t o f th e b ea s t. Li ke a n eg l ect ed lawn the thing wa s l i ttered wi th b a l d p a tch es, s crag g l y hair, and ha r d ened mud . To h i s a m a z em en t, Ma tth ew saw the crea tu r e’s hea d s lum p ed o n i ts p aw s ta ri n g d own i n to th e g ras s with two d ee p b l u e eyes.

M a tthew f ell b a ck b en ea th th e s h r u b b ewi l dered.

Slowly he loo ked a g a i n a n d co n fi r m ed h i s th eo r y.

He could only s ta r e in to th o s e eyes h e k n ew s o well . T h i s time, thou g h, he s aw a wei gh ty s a d n es s res ti n g even dee p er than th e blu e. T hinkin g b a ck , h e rea l i z ed th i s s a d ness h ad been p r es ent even s in ce th e fi rs t m eeti n g a n d , over t h e p ast s everal months, ha d s l owl y s u rfa ced . E ver y ti m e h e met wi th E lijah, the lion’s eyes h a d d ro o p ed l ower, b a gs h a d sl owl y g rown, his s mile a ppea red l es s o ften a n d h e s p o ke wi th an ever-g r owing s ca thing to n e. Li ke th e co m i n g o f n i gh t, h e on ly n oticed thes e ch a n g es wh en th ey were a l rea d y f ar al o n g in thei r pr og r es s ion.

Ca r ef u lly, M atth ew crawl ed b a ck over th e b ush an d whis p er ed to the cr eatu re “E l i j a h ? ” T h e l i o n l i fted i ts h ead, pau s ed , s na r led , a nd th en res ted b a ck d own a p a th eti cal l y.

“ W ha t d o you wa n t? ” h e s n a p p ed .

“ I br ou g ht my b a l l ,” M a tth ew b l u r ted o u t stup i dl y.

“ Come her e an d l eave th e b a l l . I d o n’t h ave ti me f o r that,” Elija h’s tone had s o ften ed , b u t h i s fa ce rem ai n ed h ate fu l. Matt hew s lowly ap p ro a ch ed , ever a l er t fo r a g g r essi o n , bu t E lija h ju s t lay there i n d i fferen tl y.

“ S it,” the L io n co m m a n d ed . “I t’s ti m e we f i n i sh .”

M a tthew r elu cta n tl y to o k p o s i ti o n b es i d e hi s f ri en d.

“Ar e you s till a n x i o u s ? ” E l i j a h a s ked .

“ I ’m f r ustrat ed,” Matth ew re p l i ed, aver se to playing El i j ah ’s g ame.

“ T h en we’re n o t p l ayi n g b al l . W hy are you fr ustr at ed?”

“ I can’t kee p wal ki n g p ast th at ash p i le ever yday,” h e sai d.

“ W h at el se?”

“ I ’m ti red o f h eari n g my te ach er’s p etty senti men ts,” h e sai d. H i s f o o t tap p ed rap i dl y i n th e g r ass.

“ W hy?” El i j ah p ressed.

“ Because th ey’re l i es.” Matth ew sn ap ped.

El i j ah co n ti nued to merci l essl y p i erce th e b oy with ques ti o n s. As th ey came, Matth ew’s b row g rew sweaty and the re p l i es f er ven t, as ag i tate d as th e cr eature asking them .

T h i s co n ti nue d f o r n ear h al f an h o ur un ti l Ma tthew finally screamed “ i t was my f aul t.” T h en th ere was a silence, br oken o n l y by a b ro ken so b.

Fi n al l y, Matth ew man ag ed to tal k. “ T hat day,” h e stammered, “ th e f i re. I was p l ayi n g wi th matches even th o ug h my Dad to l d me I sh o ul dn’t. I dro p p ed one, my bed l i t up an d I ran away to th e o th er si de o f town. I didn’t tell an yo n e, I di dn’t war n my p aren ts b ecause I was asham ed. I co ul d h ave admi tted ri g h t away an d saved th e house. I could h ave war n ed p eo p l e, b ut I di dn’t. W h en I f i n ally cam e back I l i ed p reten de d l i ke I di dn’t kn ow wh at h ad happened. M y g ran dp a di ed th at n i g h t,” H e stammered. “ And it was my f aul t.”

Ever y yo uth f ul b i t o f h i s mi n d wi sh ed this a false h o o d, b ut h e kn ew i t was tr ue. H e l i f ted h i s h ead up and smi l ed th ro ug h h i s p ai n to see th at El i j ah o n ce ag ain tow ered ab ove h i m as a n o b l e, wel l -g ro o med f i g ur e.

“ Do es an yo n e co n demn yo u, so n o f m an?” Elijah aske d. H e l owered h i s man e to wi p e away Matthew’s tear s. “ No.”

“ T h en n ei th er do I co n demn yo u. Go hom e.”

PART VI

Matth ew retur n e d to h i s town , b ew i l der ed both by El i j ah an d th e co n f essi o n . As f o r El i j ah , i t wa s cer tainly the same f aeri e. Matth ew co ul d acce p t th e ch an g e of appearan ce, b ut l ived h aun ted by h i s to n e, th at sco r n. A s for his co n f essi o n , th at sh ame h ad rested down so cl ose to his soul th at Matth ew di dn’t even real i ze h e b l amed h i mself.

On ce ag ai n , th e b oy retur n ed to a n o r m al r outine of sch o o l duri n g th e day an d El i j ah i n th e af ter n oon, but ever y co up l e o f weeks th at di sh evel ed creature i n ter r upted this p atter n . As th e en d o f th e semester ap p ro ach ed, M atthew n eeded El i j ah ’s h el p l ess an d l ess. H e co ul d ask him self th e questi o n s, exp l o re h i s own th o ug h ts, an d r each his own co n cl usi o n s. Even so, h e sti l l vi si ted h i s f ri en d just for the j oy h i s p rese n ce b ro ug h t. H oweve r, Matth ew abhor r ed the ti mes h e f o un d El i j ah un kemp t an d an g r y. As these things g o, th e f requen cy o f vi si ts decreased an d th e appear ance of El i j ah ’s desp o n den t f ace i n creased acco rdi n g l y. T he two r e al i ti es cycl i cal l y wo rsen ed each o th er un ti l an entir e m onth p assed wi th o ut a vi si t f ro m Matth ew.

S ummer b e g an an d Matth ew l ived an or dinar y boy i sh l i f e ag ai n . S e veral b ui l di n g s were sti l l un der r e pair and so meti mes h i s f ami l y h ad to f o rg o rai so n s i n i n their porri dg e so th ey co ul d af f o rd reco n str ucti o n , b ut the wor st had p assed. On e rai n y day wh en th e g ro un d was too muddy even f o r a ch i l d to p l ay, Matth ew deci ded to stay i n and r er ead

35

the letter f r om his g ra n d fa th er. T h e o l d m a n d eta i l ed i n a few lin es his love a nd a p p reci a ti o n fo r h i s g ra n d s on . I t was s ho r t a nd s imple, bu t th e b es t p res en t h e h a d ever received fro m h is Gr a nd f a ther. W h en h e fi n i s h ed rerea d i n g i t, h e s tared f or a while, a t th e g ro u n d , a t th e wa l l , a t h i s h an ds.

Mis s in g E lija h, M a tth ew g o t u p, wa l ked d own h i s po rch s te p s, k icked his ba ll i n to a mu d p u d d l e, p i cked i t up desp i te and s trolled thou g htf u l l y i n to th e fo res t.

Tod ay the tr ees were res tl es s, l i ke mu s i ci a ns war m ing u p on s ta g e bef or e a s ym p h o n y. S o m e s tu ck th ei r branches ou t r ea d y to co n d u ct, wh i l e o th ers r u s tl ed i n th e wind and d r opped wa ter i n ti m e. Ma tth ew m a d e i t to th e cove an d with a f la s h o f l i gh ten i n g th e fi n a l m ovemen t b e g an .

Spr awled on h i s o rd i n a r y s p o t, l ay a wa n i n g El i j ah .

T h e s ce ne is f a r too ad u l t fo r m e to fu l l y reco u n t, b ut I can tell you M a tthew r a n over a n d fel l to h i s k n ees b efo re th e lion . He ex a m ined the b o d y, th e b l o o d o n i ts cl aws. I t was E lijah’s own. M a tthew ra n h i s h a n d s th ro u gh th e fur, sh o o k his head in d enia l, s h o u ted , a n d , fi n a l l y, we p t.

I ca nnot g ive a n ex p l a n a ti o n fo r why E l i j a h wo ul d do s u ch a thing. I t’s h o r ri d to co n s i d er. Perh a p s fa eri es, tho u g h, d es pite their s h i n i n g exteri o rs, a re s ti l l s u bj ect to the s ame f a u lts a nd wea k n es s es o f o rd i n a r y m en . We j ust ch oo s e to a lways s ee p erfecti o n i n th em , p l a ce th a t b urden u po n them s o we ca n g ra s p a t h o p e i n o u r own l ives.

With a s im ila r co n fu s i o n , Ma tth ew a s ked , “W h at hap pen ed ? ” E lijah r olled over to l o o k a t th e ch i l d wh o wa s n ow kn eel i n g with bo th ha nd s in hi s h a i r.

“ W ha t d o you wa n t fro m m e? ” E l i j a h s a i d .

“ Not this. I wa n t to k n ow yo u ’ l l b e a l l ri ght. I wan t to s ee you s m ile a g a in . I wa n t to k n ow why.”

“ We d on’t have ti m e. W h a t d o yo u wa n t fro m me?”

M a tthew pa u sed a n d fra n ti ca l l y l o o ked a b out. “ Yo ur s pirit,” he f ina lly yiel d ed , u n s u re wh a t ex a ctl y h e mean t by it.

“ Ru n hom e an d l eave b eh i n d th e l etter i n yo ur p o cket an d the ba ll. Cons i d er th em l o s s. T h en retu r n to me.”

T he g a zelle r ea p p ea red i n Ma tth ew a n d h e ran . Back in town , he bu r s t thr o u gh th e d o o r, p u t th e l etter un der h i s pillow, pla ced the ba l l o n h i s m a ttres s a n d ra n a g a in th ro ug h the fores t. Awa r e of th e s i tu a ti o n , th e trees p u l l ed b ack i n to a h allway f or the child .

E lija h lay a s h e d i d b efo re.

“ Come her e,” h e s a i d . H e l i fted a s h a k y p aw, tou ched the child ’s brea s t a n d th en yi el d ed to d ea th, th e final m ovement of a fa eri e tr u l y wo r thy o f th e ti tl e.

At f ir s t, M a tth ew fel t n o th i n g. S l owl y, b egi n n i n g at h is h ea r t, wa r m th f i l l ed h i s ch es t a n d th en h i s a r ms. H e breathed heavier, d ee p er, fu l l er. Fo r a m o m en t i f fel t as if g rav ity r ever s ed ; he fel t wei gh tl es s. H a i r b eg a n to g row on h is a r m s a nd claws o n h i s h a n d s. S u d d en l y th ere was a s hriek of pa in behind h i m , a ro o t a l rea d y reced i n g i n th e s hadows. U ncer ta in o f wh a t to d o, M a tth ew b eg a n wi th o n e paw for wa r d a nd then th e o th er, h i s ta i l p l ayi n g with th e leaves behind him. T h e E n d .

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Aaron David Grievance 35 mm film.

37

There Are Vegetables in This House Coleen Conley

I t wou ld be th e l a s t ti m e Lu cy Silvers f ou nd a piece o f h a i r o n h er fres h ly s te a m ed br occo l i . H ow S a ra h ’s lon g , d a r k s tr a g g ly hai r m a n a g ed to land in her d is h of veg eta b l e g o o d n es s when she wa s n’t even h o m e wa s th e final tipping point tha t p u s h ed Lu cy to order the pa cka g e o n l i n e. S h e d i d n’t even car e tha t it ha d co s t h er extra mon ey f or the 48-hou r s h i p p i n g a n d han dlin g. For onc e in h er l i fe, a l l Lu cy wan ted wa s to ta s te th e s weet f l avo r o f reveng e. M or e impor ta n tl y, s h e wa n ted her life ba ck. T he lif e s h e h a d b efo re Sarah S m ith a ppea r ed o n h er d o o rs te p.

L u cy ha d a lways l ed a l i fe of ord er. S he cr oche ted o n Fri d ay nigh ts, ha d a ll her m ov i es a l p h a b et ized, pr es s ed a nd ir on ed h er cl o th es as s o on a s they ca me o u t o f th e d r yer, and always, a lways u sed Q -ti p s a fter s he s hower ed . S he s el d o m ke p t i n tou ch with f r iend s f r o m h i gh s ch o o l o r colleg e, bu t tha t d id n’t b o th er h er. S h e had b een d oing f ine fo r yea rs l i ke th i s, wo rk ing f u ll-time a s a re p res en ta tive for Dea n’s f ood a nd retrea ti n g to h er hu mb le hom e which res em b l ed o n e o f tho s e qu a int s tone co t ta g es o u t i n th e cou n tr y, exce pt it wa s i n th e m i d d l e o f town - E ig hth Avenu e o f Wes two o d , Ken tu ck y to be ex a ct. Lu cy wa s co n tent, an d wou ld n’t tor tu re a s o u l even if a gun wer e pointed to h er h ea d . T h a t is, u n til s he r ec eived th a t fa tefu l p h o n e call last month in M ay.

L u cy’s mother wa s ca l l i n g a s s he u s u a lly d id on S u n d ay n i gh ts (even tho u g h they only lived two s treets away) to check-u p on h er el d es t ch i l d .

It was only a cou ple m i nu tes i n to th ei r ph on e-ca ll u ntil L u cy d etected th a t s ometh ing wa s wr ong.

“ … M om, you d o n’t s o u n d s o g reat. I s ever ything o k ay? H ave yo u vis ited the d octor s in ce yo u r k n ee s u rg er y? ”

“ O h, d on’t be s i l l y, Lu cy d ea r!

B u t n ow tha t you men ti o n ed i t, th ere is s o mething on my m i n d th a t I wa n t ed to ta lk to you a bout.” Lu cy’s m o m

38

p a u s ed b ef o re sh e b eg an ag ai n . “ Wel l yo u k n ow h ow o ur n ew n ei g h b o r, S arah D a n i el s, wh o we h ad over f o r di n n er l a s t week ?” L ucy di dn’t rememb er h er m o m tel li n g h er th at o n th e p h o n e l ast S u n d ay, b ut sh e mo st cer tai n l y reco g n i z ed th e n ame.

“ I th i n k yo u mean S arah S mi th fro m h i g h sch o o l ? S h e i sn’t real l y a D a n i el s, i s sh e?” L ucy asked.

“ Yes, th at’s th e o n e. An d sadl y n o, n o t an ymo re i s sh e a Dan i el s. I t wa s a s h ame yo u two were n ever cl o se fri en d s g rowi n g -up,” L ucy’s mo m sai d.

L ucy rememb ered exactl y why s h e n ever was cl o se f ri en ds wi th S arah S m i th . Sarah was o b n oxi o us i n h i g h s ch o o l , al way s l o o ki n g f o r a g o o d ti me a n d n ever cari n g ab o ut o t h ers exce p t h ers el f. Lucy wo ul d n ever f o rg et th e d ay S a ra h h ad asked to b o r row h er p en i n S p a n i sh cl ass. Bei n g p re p ared as u s u a l , Lucy reach ed f o r an extra p en a n d h a n ded i t to S arah wh o was si tti n g i n a d es k b eh i n d h er. T h e cl ass b eg an to l a u gh as so o n as L ucy f el t so meth i n g s ti ck y o n h er b ack. S arah h ad wri tten “va ca es túp i da” o n a p o st-i t, wh i ch h er S p a ni sh teach er h ad co n f i r med m ea n t “stup i d cow” . But S arah b ei n g S a ra h , o f co urse, g o t away wi th i t, an d l et B o b by Dan i el s, th e cap tai n o f th e wres tl i n g team, take th e b l ame. Bo b by a n d S a rah wal ked o ut o f cl ass h o l di n g h a n d s a f ter th at day wh i l e L ucy vowed to n ever sp eak to th em ag ai n . L ucy’s m o th er beg an tal ki n g ag ai n , f o rci n g h er to s n a p o ut o f h er f l ash b ack.

“ Wel l , ap p aren tl y o l d Mrs. Peters o n h adn’t l ef t th e h o use i n th e b es t co n di ti o n . An d I can’t real l y b l a m e S arah f o r do i n g th i s, l ivi n g th ere n ow fo r a numb er o f mo n th s an d al l .

S o s h e to l d us th at sh e was h i ri n g a co n tra ctor. S h e’s teari n g down th e o l d s creen p o rch , redo i n g th e driveway, a n d re p l aci n g th e water p i p es th at r un th ro u gh th e en ti re h o use – th e wh o l e n i n e ya rds. An yway, sh e sai d i t wo ul d ta ke a m o n th an d real l y sh o ul dn’t b e i n th e h o u se duri n g th e ch ao s. S h e asked

f o r a p l ace to stay an d I offer ed your h o use.”

L ucy was i mme diately shocked. “ But Mo m, h ow co ul d you–”

“ Now I kn ow i t was unfair to vo l un teer yo u wi th o ut your per m ission b ut–”

“ Yo u al ways h ave such a tough ti me sayi n g n o, I do n’t even like–”

“ I f i g ured yo u g i r ls will g et al o n g g reat an d b esi des, it would be mo re o f a h assl e i f sh e wer e to stay wi th yo ur f ath er an d me, especially wi th my b ad kn ee. I t wi l l be just like o l d ti mes.”

“ Mo m,” L ucy sai d, disappoint ed by h er mo th er’s rati o nale. “T his is n o t a g o o d i dea.”

“ S weeth ear t, i t’s a sim ple favor an d i t’s o n l y f o r a mo n th . If it m akes an y di f f eren ce, I th i n k she is a fantas ti c yo un g wo man . I kn ow she r ecently b ecame a j o ur n al i st f o r the Westwood Ti mes. S h e eve n r un s h er own yog a p l ace i n town to o. S h e o ffer ed m e fr ee l esso n s af ter my kn ee h eals. It’s the l east yo u co ul d do af ter ever ything sh e’s b een th ro ug h .”

“ W h en i s sh e scheduled to co me to my p l ace ?”

“ To mo r row. S h e can stay in yo ur g uest ro o m, ri g h t?”

L ucy si g h ed, rai sing the white f l ag o f sur ren der. *****

S i n c e th en , L uc y was having a mi serab l e ti me l ivi n g i n her own h o use. I t was Day 28 wh ich m eant S arah wo ul d b e o ut o f the house by th e ti me th e p ackag e ar rived. She could o n l y dream o f th e sweet sm ell of her vi o l et-scen ted Feb reze which she would sp ray as so o n as S arah h ad one foot o ut th e do o r. L ucy h ad tried to be co rdi al an d g et to kn ow Sar ah when sh e f i rst moved i n to th e guestr oom .

S h e h ad b ro ug h t up smal l talk, m ade co o ki es, an d even h el p ed her unpack.

Yet S arah was qui et th ro ugh the entir e p ro cess, o n l y sayi n g th ank you once.

T h ei r rel ati o n sh i p r elentlessly

Will Doty Scene from UhMehRikUh Mixed Media 20”x42” s piraled d ownhill a s th e week s p ers is ted. T hou g h L u cy th o u gh t s h e wa s con fro nta tiona l with S a ra h ’s d i s a s t ers, Sarah continu ed to d o wh a tever s h e pleas ed . L u c y a lways fel t l i ke a m o ther picking u p a f t er her ch i l d . Li ke the time s he f ou nd th e mu ffi n s S a ra h had b aked mold ing a b ove th e k i tch en cabi nets bec a u s e sh e th o u gh t th ey had tasted g r os s when th ey o ri gi n a l ly came ou t of the oven . O r a n o th er time when Sa r a h ha d l eft th e s h ower drain clog g ed with ha i r, a n d l eft Ma i d L u cy to clea n it. O r th e ti m e S a ra h came h om e a nd s tr ipp ed to h er u n d erwear an d br a r ig ht in fro n t o f Lu cy’s mon thl y book clu b befo re wa l k i n g i n to the g u es tr oom. T he wo rs t wa s wh en Sarah wa s n’t lea d ing yo g a l es s o n s. S h e wo u ld tu r n u p the mus i c s o l o u d th a t the walls wou ld s ha ke a n d m a ke Lu cy’s pris tine china to f a ll o ff th ei r s ta n d s do om to cr a s h. D id L u cy g et o n e ‘ I ’ m s or r y? ’ Not a cha nce. N o t to m en ti o n , Sarah h a d he r g ir lf r ien d s over wh en ev er s he cou ld , a nd a lways wi th o u t Lu cy’s per miss ion. S till when th ey were over, which wa s u s u a lly ever y S a tu rd ay n i gh t, they s i mply s a t on L u cy’s fi r m p l a i d cou ch wa tching s itcom s a n d d ri n k i n g wine until thr e e in the m o r n i n g. Lu cy cou ldn’t q u ite f ig u r e S a ra h o u t, b u t s h e s u pp osed t ha t’s how S a ra h l i ked i t.

D u r ing the s eco n d week o f Sarah ’s s tay with L u cy, s h e d i d s o m e-

th i n g Lucy wo ul d n ever f o rg et yet a g a i n . L ucy was deco rati n g h er f ro n t p o rch fo r Memo ri al Day. As sh e p l aced m i n i A m eri can f l ag s i n f l owe r p o ts, sh e ca u gh t Sarah ’s eye th ro ug h th e wi n dow.

S h e q u i ckl y l o o ked away b ut b ef o re l o n g, s h e h eard th e screen do o r o p en a n d s aw S arah r un n i n g towards h er.

“Ta ke th o se o ut ,” sh e sai d wi th tears i n h er eyes. At f i rst L ucy di dn’t un ders ta n d . Wi th o ut war n i n g th o ug h , S arah b eg a n yan ki n g th em o ut o f th e p o ts.

Lu cy o b j ected an d tri ed to sto p h er, b u t S a ra h p ersi sted an d g ath ered al l th e f l a gs u n ti l th ere were n o n e l ef t. S h e wen t i n si de, l eavi n g L ucy sp eech l ess.

W h en s he retur n ed i n si de th o ug h , sh e n o ti ced th e red an d wh i te stri p es l yi n g i n th e trash . *****

L ucy sat o n th e co uch af ter sh e h a d d u mp ed h er h ai r-i n f ested b ro cco l i s ti r-fr y in th e ki tch en trash can an d i n s tea d , fi ni sh ed h er re p l acemen t - a mi crowava b l e h o t p o cket f o r di n n er. S h e rem a i n ed i n th e l ivi n g ro o m tr yi n g to rel a x wh i l e S arah was g o n e, p utti n g h er feet u p o n th e co f f ee tab l e. H er l ap to p res ted o n h e r th i g h s. S h e caug h t-up o n em a i ls f ro m wo rk wh i l e th e Fo o d N etwo rk p l ayed i n th e b ackg ro un d o n h er f l a t-screen TV. Al l th e wi n dows were cracked o p en . T h e war m summer a i r wa s retur n i n g f o r g o o d. T h e sun set to ch i r p in g cri ckets as th e mo o n sai d

h el l o to th e n i g h tti me sk y.

“An o th er I ro n C hef e pisode do n e an d over wi th ,” L ucy said. She p i cked up th e remo te an d tur ned off th e TV. S h e g l an ced at the clock. It was al ready 11p m. “ W h ere are you, Sar ah?”

L ucy wasn’t sure wh at sh e had said she was do i n g to n i g h t af ter her yog a les so n . Was i t b el l y dan ci n g, kar ate with h er f ri en d Bi g Mi ke, o r a late night movi e? L ucy wo n dered i f she should cal l S arah . S h e was h eaded for bed so o n an d n eeded to l o ck the door. Sarah h ad h er sp are key th o ugh so she r a ti o n ed th at i t wo ul d b e f ine. Still, Lucy f el t b ad. H ad so meth i n g happened?

L ucy to l d h ersel f to sto p car ing about S arah . S h e h ad caused an unnecessar y di sturb an ce i n h er co mf or table r outine.

S h e star ted toward h er b edr oom , leav i n g o n th e p o rch l i g h t.

“ L ucy!” S h e h eard som eone yel l i n p an i c wh i l e f uri o usly pounding o n th e do o r. L ucy tur n ed back. She reach ed th e do o r an d swung it open to f i n d S arah , n er vo usl y hug ging the b ro o m th at sto o d o utsi de the fr ont do o r. But b ef o re L ucy could r eact, S arah g rab b ed h er by th e ar m and p ul l ed h er o ut o n th e p o rch. She beg an sto mp i n g th e p o rch wi th the br oom .

“ Do yo u h ear th at?” Sar ah aske d.

“ Do I h ear wh at?” Lucy asked, rememb eri n g to so un d ri d iculously

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ann oyed .

“ T hos e r a cco o n s ? I s aw th em s itting on the s te ps of th e p o rch wh en I was d r iving hom e a h a l f h o u r a g o after my yog a les s on. I wa s g o i n g to park the ca r on the curb b u t d eci d ed to kee p dr iving u ntil the y l eft. I ’ ve b een waitin g ou t her e f or fi fteen m i nu tes watchin g them f r om th e s i d ewa l k u n ti l they s cu r r ied u nd er nea th th e p o rch .”

“ S a r a h, a r e yo u cra z y? T h ey are ju s t r a ccoons,” L u cy s a i d . A n d s o the lectu r e beg a n. “E ven i f th ere were ra ccoons, I wou l d h ave h ea rd them. I know I live in town a n d th ey come ou t ever y now an d th en , b u t why wo u ld they be s itting o u t h ere fo r th a t lon g especia lly a f ter yo u m a d e a l l th a t no is e? You ’ve pr oba b l y wo ken u p th e neigh bor s with the way yo u j u s t b a n g ed on th e d oor.”

L u cy’s thou g h ts retu r n ed to her mo ther a nd f a ther wh o l ived two s treets d own. She r em em b ered h er mom ha d s a id s om eth i n g a b o u t S a ra h bein g a Da niels. M ayb e th a t’s wh ere Sarah wa s tonig ht. I t wo u l d n’t s u r p ri s e L u cy if Sa r a h ha d g otten a d ivo rce a s yo u ng a s s he wa s. S he s ea rch ed S a ra h ’s han d to d ou ble check . S u re en o u gh , there wa s no r ing on S a ra h ’s l eft ri n g fing er. She pu t the pieces to g eth er.

Sarah m a r r ied B obby. S a ra h d ivo rced B ob by. Sa r a h now a tten d s g ro u p th erapy for d ivor ced cou p l es. W h a t o t h er g ro u p wou ld m eet once a m o n th ? S ti l l , L u cy wa nted Sa r a h to co n fes s.

“And not that I rea l l y ca re, b u t las t tim e I checked yo u r l es s o n s were on ly an hou r long , no t th ree. I wa s almos t g oing to wa it fo r yo u to co m e ho me and m a ke s u r e n o th i n g h a p pen ed.”

Sa r a h g la nced b eyo n d th e s te p s of the por ch. L u cy f o l l owed h er eyes and n oticed a ta ll whi te p l a s ti c p a i l that was n’t s itting there ea rl i er th a t mor nin g. I t wa s s ca ttered fres h p ro du ce rema ins. L u cy g l a red a t S a ra h i n a way on ly a n a ng r y wo m a n ca n .

“ I ca n ex pla in .” S a ra h s a i d con fidently. “ I pr omis ed th e g ro u p a t ou r last m onthly m eeti n g th a t I wo u l d bring a f r es h f r u it a nd veg gi e tray ton ig ht a f ter my les s o n . We a l ways bring s na cks, a nd it wa s my tu r n . A t my place, I have a com p o s t p i l e fo r my fr u its and veg eta bles. I t’s o n e o f th o s e healthy living thing s I l i ke to d o, a n d follows my philos ophy o f giv i n g b a ck to the envir onm ent,” S a ra h s a i d . Lu cy was s till hopef u l tha t S a ra h wo u l d co n fes s th e tr u th t o her wh erea b o u ts.

“Anyway, I bo u gh t a l l th e produ ce a nd a new co m p o s t b u cket

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to d ay a t th e sto re b ut I was i n a h ur r y b efo re yo u came h o me. I h ad made th e p l a tters just f i n e an d dump ed al l th e s cra p s i n th e b ucket. I was g o i n g to p ut i n my ca r an d dro p i t o f f i n my b ack ya rd b efo re I l ef t so I p ut i t n ext to th e p o rch a s a r emi n der. Obvi o usl y I f o rg o t a b o ut i t, an d yo u cl earl y di dn’t see i t. I d i d n’t th i n k i t wo ul d b e a b i g deal , b u t I ’ m af rai d th ese racco o n s aren’t g o i n g to g o away un l ess we f o rce th em to l eave.” S arah used th e b ro o m an d s to m p ed i t ag ai n st th e p o rch ’s wo o den f l o o r a g ai n . S ure en o ug h , L ucy h eard a th u m p an d screechy n o i ses co mi n g fro m b elow.

“ S arah ,” L ucy sai d, tr yi n g to co n tro l her an g er. “ I t’s l ate an d I wan t to g o to b ed. I ’m sure th e racco o n s are h a r m l es s an d wi l l l eave l ater to n i g h t.

Ju s t b e h o n est wi th me, wh ere were yo u to -”

L ucy sto p p ed. S h e saw th e ra cco o n . S arah h ad b een wro n g. T h ere were n o t two racc o o n s i n h i di n g. I n s tea d , o n l y o n e massive an d overwei g h t d a rk ra cco o n wh o se si ze resemb l ed a fox a p p eared. Yet f o r i ts si ze, th e rac co o n wa s sur p ri si n g l y qui ck an d l eap t fro m th e edg e o f th e wo o den p o rch to th e to p o f th e rai l i n g. I t f earl essl y s cowl ed at b o th o f th e m. L ucy’s h ear t wa s b ea ti n g f ast, an d co ul d th i n k o f o n l y o n e th i n g. T h e b ro cco l i . T h at cu rs ed h ai r y b ro cco l i . S h e was sure th e ra cco o n co ul d smel l th e f o o d th ro ug h th e s creen do o r o f th e p o rch .

“ S arah ,” sh e sai d i n a wh i sp er.

“H e wa n ts my b ro cco l i .”

S arah g ave L ucy a f un n y l o o k.

S h e m o tio n ed f o r L ucy to g rab so me th i n g. B ut wh at was l ef t? S arah al ready h a d a b roo m. L ucy l o o ked aro un d an d s p o tted on l y th e f l ower p o t i n h er m i d s t. “N o t my n ewl y p l an ted g eran i u m s,” s he th o ug h t. Fear f o rced h er to p i ck u p th e f l ower p o t as th e racco o n s a t s ti l l be f o re th em. H e j ump ed down fro m th e rai l an d b e came ab n o r mal l y cl o s e. H e cl i mb ed o n to p o f th e s wi n gi n g b en ch o n l y f o ur f eet away, s ti l l a l er t to th e two wo men i n f ro n t o f h i m . He sn arl ed an d scratch ed h i s n o s e, s cr eech i n g.

“ Make yo ursel f l arg e an d t al l ,” S a ra h s a i d. “An d do n’t move.” L ucy h el d th e p o t i n f ro n t o f h er sto mach , b rea th i ng sl owl y. S h e p uf f ed o ut h er ch es t a n d stared at th e racco o n i n a b rave m an n er desp i te h er ter ro r. S arah to o k o ff r un n i n g al o n g th e si de o f th e h o u s e. “W h at th e h el l ?” L ucy th o ug h t i n d i gn a ntl y. L ucy co ul dn’t h el p b ut th i n k th at S arah wo ul d l eave h er. T h e ra cco o n b eg an to crawl cl o ser, i n ch i n g

toward L ucy an d ready to pounce fr om th e b en ch . “ Oh n o yo u don’t,” she sai d un der h er b reath . L ucy took her p o t o f b l o o mi n g g eran i um s and thr ew i t at th e an i mal . T h e f l ower pot’s clay sh attered ag ai n st th e b ench, slicing o n l y th e racco o n’s rear l eg. Soil, r oots, an d g eran i ums l ay cl ump ed and br oken ever ywh ere. T h e racco o n had jum ped o f f th e b en ch an d was o ddly stag g er ing an d ci rcl i n g , i n j ured f ro m Lucy’s aim .

H e was n eari n g h e r wh i ch left Lucy screami n g f o r h el p.

Much to h er sur pr ise, she saw S arah . L uc y h ad b een wrong – she h adn’t l e f t h er, sh e h ad r un to g et the h o se. I t was wrap p ed around her ar m s, i ts tai l drag g i n g al o n g th e landscape o f th e h o use. Water was spur ting ever ywh ere. S arah g ai n ed contr ol of th e mo uth o f i t an d p l aced her thum b i n f ro n t o f i t to di sp el p ressur e. She came up th e ste p s o f th e por ch, and sto o d n ear L ucy to f ace the r accoon wi th L ucy, an d sp rayed h im in the face.

“Away!” sh e sai d, co mma nding the racco o n to scur r y to a n ew hom e. T he racco o n l i mp ed b ackward s. Lucy was f o r o n ce th an kf ul f o r S arah and looked at h er f o r h el p. S arah stopped spr aying th e racco o n an d stared at the tr uck that was p ul l i n g up n ear th e m ailbox . A tall, l an k y man sl ammed i ts p asseng er door an d ran towards th em wi th a cag e in o n e g l oved h an d an d a syr ing e needle i n th e o th er.

“ S arah ?” h e asked. Sar ah n o dded. “ Yo u cal l ed earl ier. M y nam e i s Bo b. I ’m o n th e Westwood A nim al C o n t ro l Team. My p ar tn er who is dr iv i n g , Ted, i s maki n g h i s way fr om the tr uck. Yo u wi l l h ave to tell him what h ap p en ed. I ’l l take care of this big g uy,” h e sai d p o i n ti n g to the muddled racco o n . T h e l adi es cl i mbed down the p o rch an d watch ed Bo b put the needle i n to th e racco o n . T h ey m oved towar d Ted wh o sto o d i n th e driveway and g ave an acco un t o f th ei r inter action wi th th e racco o n .

“ H ow di d yo u know to call?”

Ted asked. “ Wel l , I h ad exp eri en ced som ething si mi l ar l i ke th i s wh en I went cam ping l ast year wi th my h usb an d…” Sar ah sai d awkwardl y trai l i n g. “He looked dan g ero us – n o t l i ke a n or m al r ac co o n . S o, I cal l ed yo u o n my cell phone b ef o re I tur n ed o n th e h ose. I was surp ri sed h ow qui ckl y yo u guys cam e.”

“ I t was th e ri g h t thing to do.

We’ve g o tt en l o ts o f re p or ts about this g uy. I t was o n l y a matter of tim e until we caug h t h i m.”

“ T h an ks ag ai n f or helping

u s,” Sar a h s a id . L u cy s to o d s p eech l es s, s u r p rised how well S a ra h h a n d l ed th e s itu ation. S he d id n’t th i n k i t wa s p o s s i ble that S a r a h cou ld d o th e ri gh t th i n g off th e top of her hea d , o r a n yti m e fo r that ma tter. *****

I t wa s la te S a tu rd ay a fter n o o n .

Sarah wa s g a ther ing h er s tu ff fo r th e move b a ck to her pla ce, a n d Lu cy attempting to be s om ewh a t co u r te ou s, off er ed to help. “ S o even i f t h e racco on d ilem m a m ay h ave b een yo u r fau lt, I a m a ctu a lly ha p p y we g o t th a t big fella of f the s tr eets a n d i n to a n a n imal s h elter. He wou l d h ave co m e b a ck reg ardles s of veg eta b l es o r n o t.” Lu cy s aid brea king the s ilen ce.

“ Yea h, hopef u l l y th ey ca n s end h im ba ck into th e wi l d wh en h e’s healed,” S a r a h s a id s eem i n g to o b u s y to care. S he wa s s ittin g, s ta ri n g o u t the wind ow, a nd ha d b een fo r th e p a s t eleven minu tes a ccor d i n g to Lu cy’s mental clock. D id s he rea l i z e i t h a d been th a t long ?

L u cy moved to th e k i tch en a n d beg an to pr e pa r e d inn er. S h e tu r n ed on th e r a d io a nd pu lled h er i n g re dien ts f r om the fridg e. “ Ha mbu r g ers and f r ies it is for Sara h’s la s t nigh t h er e,” L u cy tho u g ht. S he r e trieved the cu tting bo ard and s ta r ted s licing the pu rple on ion f or the bu rg ers. O nions always m a d e her cr y. She tu r ned the rad io u p hig h, s he fina lly hea r d Sarah g et u p f r om the couch in the liv ing r oom. “ I ’m g oin g to the f r ont po rch,” S a r a h s aid. Lu cy wa s cu rio u s bu t f or ced hers elf to s top tr yin g to u nd ers tand. S he move d her th ou g hts to T h u rs d ay nig ht a g a in. S h e h a d a l rea d y s aid s he wa s g oing to s wee p th e p o rch fro m all the com m otio n , b u t h a d n’t h a d time to d o it with wo rk a n d a l l . S h e s ecretl y hoped S a r a h wa s m ov i n g to th e po rch to d o it f or her. A fter a l l , i t wa s the lea s t s he cou ld d o a fter giv i n g Lu cy s u ch a r ou g h tim e. Sh e retu r n ed to h er on ion s thou g h, s topp i n g p eri o d i ca l l y to

s wa l l ow th e sal ty te ars ro l l i n g down h er ch eek s.

“I h ave a p ackag e f o r Ms. S a ra h S mi th ,” a mal e vo i c e sai d f ro m th e fro n t p o rch . L ucy made h er way o u t o f the ki tch en an d g l an ced th ro ug h th e s creen do o r. T h e p ackag e. I t h ad a r rived i n exactl y f o r ty-ei g h t h o urs.

Lu cy’s s to mach dro p p ed. S h e was s u r p ri s ed h ow h esi tan t an d scared sh e fel t a b o ut i t esp eci al l y si n ce S arah h ad recen tl y reveal ed h er sen si b l e si de.

N ever th el ess, S arah retri eved th e p ack a g e a n d retur n ed i n si de. L ucy g ave h er a rea s s u r i n g smi l e, h o l di n g b ack an y wo r r y. I t was p ayb ack f o r al l th e th i n g s S a ra h d i d to h er, an d L ucy wasn’t g o i n g to l et o n e ti n y f eel i n g o f remo rse r ui n i t.

“T h i s i s so stran g e,” S arah s a i d . “T h i s p ackag e was addressed to m e. I d o n’t even l ive h ere-l ive h ere.

A n d th er e’s n o retur n address o n i t.”

“Wel l , mayb e yo u sh o ul d o p en i t u p a n d see wh at i t i s.”

T h e p ackag e was a l arg e f l at s q u a re b ox wi th tap e r un n i n g down al l s i d es o f i t. S arah was stro n g en o ug h th o u gh an d ri p p ed th e tap e, o p en i n g th e p ackag e i n a matter o f sec o n ds. S h e stared at i t. I t was sti l l l yi n g i n th e b ox.

L ucy watch ed h er.

S arah ’s f ace tur n ed f ro m i n di f f eren ce to a kn o tt ed exp ressi o n . H er eyeb rows squi n ted to g eth er, h er f ace b un ch ed up, an d h er ch eeks tur n ed red wi th di stress.

Tears f l o o ded h er eyes an d b eg an to race down h er f ace.

“ H ow co ul d yo u?” sh e asked L ucy.

L ucy sto o d f l ush ed. S h e f el t a p ai n ri p i n h er h ear t. S h e n ever kn ew a sti n g l i ke th i s co u l d e xi st, esp eci al l y o n e th at sh e co u l d ca use. Fo r th e f i rst ti me i n a l o n g ti m e s i n ce L ucy co ul d rememb er, sh e h a d b een mean . S i l en ce l o o med over th e ro o m. T h e Ameri can Fl ag f el l f ro m th e b ox an d h i t th e f l o o r, dead l i ke s o m eo n e sh e o n ce kn ew. S arah co l l a p s ed a n d co n ti nued to wee p. *****

She never Knew a sting like this could exist, especially one that she could cause

“ Mo m?” L ucy said, answer ing th e p h o n e th at S un day evening.

“ L ucy, h o n ey! H ow ar e you?” h er mo m asked.

“ I ’m do i n g o kay. Have you seen S arah yet?”

“ Yes, we j ust saw her today.

S h e sai d sh e i s g o i n g to have us over so me ti me to l o o k at th e new additions to th e h o use, an d yo u’re invited to co me, to o.”

“ T h at’s g reat,” Lucy said and p aused b ef o re co n ti nui n g. “Listen, I’ve b een mean i n g to ask yo u som ething si n ce S arah l ef t.”

“ W h at’s up ?” h er m other asked seri o usl y.

“ Wel l , i t’s j ust that in high sch o o l … T h i s mi g h t so und r ude of me, b ut i n h i g h sch o o l , she was always such a b i tch . I n eve r remem ber her ever b ei n g n i ce to me o r anyone for th at matter. No t even h er boyfr iend, Bo b by Dan i el s. Di d so mething happen to h er?”

“ Oh h o n ey, I th ought you kn ew. Ever yo n e i n town knew,” her mo m sai d.

“ Kn ew wh at?” L ucy asked.

“ Bo b by an d S ara h wer e m arri ed. H e p assed away si x m onths ag o in Bah rai n n ear th e Persi an G ulf. She just moved b ack to Westwo o d.”

L ucy dro p p ed th e phone in den i al o f th e f acts.

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e s s ay s

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3

MY EXPENSE FOR EGGS Melissa Kaplan-Pistiner

i

ju s t… I ju s t wa n ted to b u y eg gs.

Sta r ing into th e co o l er, I eva l u a ted my o p ti o n s. I always look a t f o o d fo r way to o l o n g b efo re sel ecti n g.

S helf s tocker s ap p ro a ch a n d a s k i f th ey ca n h el p. I say “ no” a nd continu e s cr u ti n i z i n g n ea rl y i d en ti cal p ro d u cts like my lif e d e p en d s o n my ch o i ce. T h i s i s b ecause it d oes.

T her e wer e eig h t eg g o p ti o n s. O rd ered by p rice an d accor d ing to the p a ck a g e l a b el s, th i s wa s Tra d er Jo e’s s election:

un derstan d th e seemi n g l y en dl ess eg g o p ti o n s and beat the p ackag e l ab el s at th ei r own g ame, I research ed . M y phone b atter y f l atten ed as I cracked th e tr uth b eh i n d the spher e of eg g l ab el s.

Brown eg g s are n o mo re nutri ti o us th an white.

T h ere i s si mp l y a di f f eren ce o f ch i cken s – o n es with white ear l o b es l ay wh i te eg g s an d o n es wi th red ear lobes lay b rown eg g s. W hy di d b rown , b ut n o t wh i te, eg g car ton la b el s co n tai n a co l o r desi g n ati o n ? Perh ap s th e eg g industr y kn ew th at co n sumers l i ke me f al sel y asso ci ated br own eg gs wi th h i g h er nutri ti o n .

N o eg g ha d i t a l l . My ex tra l a rg e a p p eti te wan ted the extr a la r g e eg g s. M y wh o l e-wh ea t-over-b l ea ch ed-wh i te inclin a tions s a id , “ Fil l th e ca r t wi th b rown eg gs a n d smash all th e white ones !” I rea ch ed fo r th e o rg a n i c, j u s t i n case anyon e wa s wa tching , b u t th en rea l i z ed th e o rg a n i c eg g s weren’t ex plicitly “ 10 0 % veg eta ri a n fed .” I wa s n’t a veg e tarian , bu t I thou g ht my eg g-p ro d u ci n g ch i cken s s ho ul d b e.

T h en the r ea l r id d le em erg ed : a ca g e-free ch i cken is n o t free-rang e, a nd a f r ee-ra n g e ch i cken i s n o t ca g e-free. I i mag ined a bea u tif u l, open , g reen fi el d covered i n ca g ed ch i ck ens.

O kay, I d id n o t j u s t wa n t to b u y eg gs. I wan ted nu tritiou s eg g s, a nd I wa n t ed eg gs fro m h u m a n e chi cken far ms. M os t of a ll, I wa n ted h o n es t eg gs. T h o s e b ig di f f erences l ay in a s m a ll p ri ce g a p, j u s t $3 . 2 5 , o r ¢2 7 p er eg g. To

T h e “ al l n atural ” l ab el , as I susp ected , m eant n o th i n g. T h ere are n o reg ul ati o n s f o r th i s l ab el, r ender ing “ al l n atural ” a mean i n g l ess stamp. S etti n g asi d e the possi b i l i ty o f sci en ti f i cal l y al teri n g eg g s i n th e f utur e, eg gs ar e i n h eren tl y a p ro duct o f n ature. Al l eg g s, l ab el ed or not, ar e “ al l n atural .” S h o ul d co n sumers kn ow th e f rivolity of this l ab el , o r sh o ul d we p ro h i b i t p ro ducers f ro m using deceiving l ab el s? Nar rowi n g down my eg g sel ecti o n , I i gnor ed the “all n atural ” l ab el .

S i mi l arl y, “ 100% veg etari an f ed” was a m ar keting di stracti o n f ro m h i g h e r qual i ty, h uman e eg g s. T hese bir ds receive veg etari an f eed, wh i ch i s cer tai n l y p refer r ed to ch i cken s eati n g ch i cken car casses as i s so meti m es the case, an d eg g p ro duce rs th us ch arg e mo re th an f o r non-veg etari an ch i cken eg g s. W h i l e th e o rg an i c eg g s were not dir ectly

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labeled a s “ 100% veg eta ri a n fed ,” th i s d i et req u i rem en t i s inh eren t in the or g a n i c l a b el , o r a t l ea s t i s i n h eren t wh en con s u m er s a r e ed u ca ted . T h ere a re a d d ed b en efi ts, an d p ri ce increas es f or tha t ma tter, fo r o rg a n i c eg gs over n o n-o rg an i c, “ 10 0% veg eta r ia n f ed ” eg gs.

U nlike eg g s f ro m s i m p l y veg eta ri a n ch i ckens, o rg an ic eg g s a r e cer tif ied to b e fro m ch i cken s fa r m ed h uman el y and free of a ntibiotics, p es ti ci d es, a n d g en eti ca l l y mo di f i ed foo ds. T hes e chickens a re ca g e-free a n d h ave a t l east so me acces s to the ou td oors, th o u gh h ow mu ch va ri es. Org an ic eg g pr od u cer s a r e a rgu a b l y m o n i to red m o re th a n mo st, th o u gh a g a i n th e exten t to wh i ch i s p o ten ti a ll y i n suf fi ci en t. S ti l l , ch o osi n g th at o rg a n i c l a b el , I was en s u red eg gs fro m veg etari an a n d ch em i ca l -free ch i cken s th a t were n o t i n human el y overcrowd ed i n cag es.

T h e o rg a n i c eg g s were th e two m o st exp en s ive o p ti o n s, a n d b o th were a d ver ti s ed a s h i g h i n o m eg a -3 fa tty a ci ds. T h i s l a b el a p p a ren tl y m ean t th at th es e h en s ’ feed co n tai n ed m o re f l a x s eed m eal th an i n d u s tr y’s n o r m . Acc o rdi n g to a d ver ti s i n g, t he resul t i s th e m o s t nu tri ti o us eg g o n th e s h el f. My o n l i n e s ea rch s u g g es ted th at th e “ omeg a -3” la bel la cks a d eq u a te regu l a ti o n to rea l l y g ive i t meanin g. Reg a r d les s, a t th i s j u n ctu re I k n ew I wa s b uyi n g org an ic, a nd s o a ls o b u yi n g o m eg a -3 eg gs.

I held a d ozen eg gs i n ea ch h a n d – b o th o r g an ic an d s u per omeg a -3 -y, a n d n ei th er d i s tra cti n g m e wi th “ natu ra l” or “ veg eta ri a n ” cl a i m s. O n e d o z en wa s b rown an d on e wh ite, bu t tha t d i d n’t m a tter. I t h a d b een n ea rl y twen ty minu tes, a nd my s tom a ch g rowl ed fo r th e extra l a rg e eg g s. I lear n ed , however, tha t o rg a n i c a l s o m ea n t ca g e-free, so th e $ 4. 19 l a r g e eg g s r olled towa rd s v i cto r y. T h ey were a g ran d s lam: ca g e-f r ee a nd f ree-ra n g e!

B u t wha t, ex actl y, wa s th e d i fferen ce b etween cag e-

The “all natural” label, as I suspected, meant nothing.

f ree an d f ree-ran g e? T h e si mp l e an swer was that “fr eeran g e” i s p ro b ab l y b etter. I deal l y, “ f ree-ran g e” im plies that un -cag ed ch i cken s f o rag e f o r f o o d over a f i el d all day long an d, mo st i mp o r tan tl y, h ave o utdo o r access l i ke chickens sh o ul d. T h e US DA do es n o t, un f o r tun atel y, cer tify this la b el , so ag ai n th e reg ul ati o n o f “ f ree-ran g e” eg g pr oduction i s at b est i n co n si sten t i f n o t n o n -exi sten t. S till, “fr eeran g e,” i f def i n ed as th e US DA do es f o r o th er poultr y pr od ucts, i s p ref erab l e to j ust “ cag e-f ree.” “ C ag e-fr ee” chickens g en eral l y do n o t h ave access to th e o utdo o rs, and the living co n di ti o n s o f th ei r b ar n s can var y i mmen sel y. A g ain, pr o ducers stamp th i s l ab el wi th o ut reg ul ati o n .

I ch o se th e $ 4.19 l arg e, b rown , f ree-rang e, or g an i c, o meg a-3 eg g s. T h ey were th e b est o p ti o n of the bunch, b ut I wo n der ed i f th ey were th e b est o p ti o n p ossible. T her e were cl earl y b i g p ro b l ems i n eg g l ab el i n g an d eg g pr oduc ti o n th at ren der co n sumers l i ke me co n f used and dissat i sf i ed. I ch o se so me l ab el s over o th ers n o t b ecause they assure d a mo re nutri ti o us an d h uman el y f ar med eg g, but b ecause th ey were mo re l i kel y mo re nutri ti o us and hum ane th an th e rest. I p ai d an extra f ew do l l ars f o r hope, not cer tai n ty. My l i f e – my h eal th an d my h ap p i n ess – de pends o n wh at I eat. No t o n e o f th e ei g h t eg g ch o i ces for what sh o ul d b e a un i que p ro duct g uaran teed nutri ti on or ethically so un d f o o d. I n deed, I b o ug h t eg g s. I j ust do n’t know ex actly wh at I p ai d f o r th em.

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Brittany Fahres Woman 8.5” x 11”

SEPARATED BY TWO CULTURES AND I’M STILL A COMPLETE PERSON TONGYU WU

This essay is composed only based on my own personal experience. Please do not apply and generalize it to all/most Chinese families.

“

I will g et to p res en t a n d p er f o r m my p o em s to th e pu blic,” I cal l ed my a u n t a n d g ra n d p a ren ts, tr yi n g to s ay wha t I wa n ted to a l l i n my m o th er l an g uag e, Chines e. “ I d i d n’t even g et th i s k i n d o f o pp o r tun i ty ba ck in Ch i n a i n my fi rs t 1 5 yea rs th ere… An d this time, I wi l l b e th e crea to r— th e p ro d ucer—i n a nother la ngu a g e a n d a n o th er cu l tu re! ”

“ O h To n gto n g (my n i ck n a m e), we are so prou d of you !” T he f i rs t g en era ti o n o f C h i n es e i m mi g ran ts s tu dyin g a br oa d in th e U S A i n th e 1 9 8 0 s a n d l iv i n g i n th e s tates, my a u nt s u ccess fu l l y fi gu red o u t my key p o i n t f ro m a s alad of m ixed E ng lish a n d C h i n es e p h ra s es, tra n s lati n g th e g oo d news to my g r a n d p a ren ts, wh o a re co m p l etel y o utsi d ers to the E ng lis h wo rl d .

“ I d on’t ca r e a b o u t wi n n i n g— a l l I ca re a b out i s th e process of per f or m in g l i tera tu re a s a n el eg a n t a r t. I …” I was s tu ck. I wa nted to s ay “ch eri s h ” i n C h i n es e, yet I was blan k. I knew it s ta r ted wi th “z h en ” a n d h a d two s yl l ab l es— what wa s the s econd o n e?

“ I ju s t zhen-g u i th i s o p p o r tu n i ty s o mu ch .” I mum bled, d ou bting , a s if s p ea k i n g a n d a s k i n g mys el f a bo ut th e righ t sylla ble, opening a n d cl o s i n g a n d o p en i n g a g ai n my mind-d r awer s conta in i n g my fi rs t 1 5 yea rs o f m em o r y. I kn ew i t d id not s ou nd ri gh t.

“Z hen-x i. ” M y a u n t co r rected m e. O ver th e o th er s ide of the line, I heard G ra n d m a i m p a ti en tl y p res si n g Aun t. “ W hat wa s s he s aying ? W h a t i s zhen - gu i (i n C h i n es e, zhengui u s ua lly d es cr ibes s o m eth i n g p hys i ca l a n d ta n gi b l e th at i s exp ensive or va lu a ble i n p ri ce)? ” A n d I rea l i z ed th at I must have s l ipped in s om e E n gl i s h p h ra s es u n co n s ci o u s ly ag ai n .

T his is a typi ca l p h o n e ca l l I h ave wi th my g ran d parents. W ha t if my d ed i ca ted Au n t i s n o t th ere b r i dg i n g ou r co m mu nica tion—s u ch a s wh en I a m s k yp i n g wi th my parents? Well, s itu a tio n s m ay g et a l i ttl e co m p l i ca ted…

“ I b o ug h t th e wo rst i n stan t meal s I ’ve ever bought i n th e g ro cer y sto re th at…”

“ W h at g …g …sto re? W h at are yo u tal k ing about?”

I t was n o t un ti l th en th at I real i zed I h ad sai d “instant meal s” an d “ g ro cer y sto re” i n En g l i sh wi th i n this shor t half o f a sen ten ce.

Peo p l e o f ten say h ow th e earl y years can signifi can tl y i mp act a ch i l d’s l ear n i n g , co g n i ti o n , un der standing, an d i n si g h ts o n th e wo rl d aro un d th em. T h e com ing-of-ag e e p i so des, usual l y un f o rg ett ab l e an d p e r man en tly-stor ed in mi n d, set th e ver y f i rst stag e o f a ch i l d’s real i zation of who th ey are at p resen t—as wel l as th ei r co n str uction of who th ey mi g h t b e i n th e f uture. A f ive-year-o l d ki nder g ar tener do es n o t ten d to h ave th e mo th er l an g uag e l ar g ely im pair ed o r i n h i b i ted up o n g etti n g to a f o rei g n l an d.

I sp en t my f i rst 15 years i n C h i n a. I attended g ood el emen tar y an d j un i o r h i g h sch o o l s. I was wel l educated as a 15-year-o l d C h i n ese sch o o l g i rl b ef o re co mi ng to the U SA f o r h i g h sch o o l . Yet, wi th i n th e f o ur years I was away fr om h o me, my “ ch atti n g ” wi th my f ami l y memb ers has becom e a seri es o f my ri ddl e-p o si n g an d th ei r p uzzl e-solving based on al l ki n ds o f co n textual i zed assump ti o n s. S o metim es, the two l an g uag e systems are n o i si l y, mi sch i evo usl y, and vig or ously co mp eti n g i n my b rai n , wi th me b ei n g at a l o ss for wor ds o r sp eech . S o meti mes, En g l i sh wi n s, maki n g m e pr oduce streams o f En g l i sh -so un di n g p h o n o l o g i cal expr essions. If I g et “ un f o r tun ate” , wh i ch co ul d b e mo st o f t h e tim es as I’m tal ki n g i n C h i n ese, I wo ul d f i n d o ut I h ave sp oken to the wro n g p erso n : “ Oh , n ever mi n d. I g n o re i t.” “A r e you talking En g l i sh ?” T h ey wo ul d tal k wi th th ei r eyes wi d e open, think i n g I must b e sh owi n g o f f.

L an g uag e can b e mean i n g l ess l ab el s o r nonsense Yet, mo st o f th e ti me, i t can b eco me so i mp o r tant. It is the

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key to u nf old ing though ts, th e fra m ewo rk to s ca ffo l d wo rl d views. I t is the es s enti a l veh i cl e to d i rectl y ex p eri en ce i de olo g y and cu ltu r e wr ap p ed b en ea th . I n th i s s en s e, lan g uag e can be a n embod im en t a n d a to ken o f a b el o n gi n g—an inclu s i on tha t is eng r aved o n o n e’s b o d y, i n o n e’s m i n d, i n on e’s m emor y, s tr etch i n g towa rd s a n i d en ti ty, a p l asti ci ty, on e’s myr ia d know n an d u n k n own .

N or m a lly, la n gu a g e a cq u i s i ti o n i s i n n a te fo r b ab i es.

It ten d s to g r ow incr ea s i n gl y h a rd er a s yea rs p a s s by. On the con tr a r y, wha t I h ave ex p eri en ced i s a fa s t a n d cri ti c al acq u is ition of a nother l a n gu a g e fo r b o th d a i l y u s e an d l i t erar y cr ea tion— the la tter I h ave b a rel y a cco m p l i s hed i n my moth er la ng u a g e.

W hy d oes Ch i n es e kee p reced i n g i m p a ti en tl y b eyo n d my g ras p a nd ca ptu r e?

W hy a r e my 4 yea rs o f l ea r n i n g E n gl i s h (o r rath er, the cri tica l a na lys is of E n gl i s h ) even m o re o u ts ta n d i n g th an my 15 yea r s of Chines e l ea r n i n g?

W ha t m a kes my C h i n es e l a n gu a g e es p eci a l l y susce p tible—this pr es er va tio n es p eci a l l y effo r tfu l ?

W ha t m a kes my E n gl i s h a cq u i s i ti o n co m p el l i n g (o b vio u s ly, my br a in is no t n a tu ra l l y b o r n fo r “E n gl i s h” )? ……

W ha t on ea r th d i d I l ea r n i n C h i n a ?

At lea s t f ou r o r five ro u n d s o f a “co u rs e i mp rove ment pr oject” wer e lau n ch ed by th e N a ti o n a l D e p ar tmen t of E duca tion d u r ing th o s e yea rs. T h i s h i gh freq u en cy made no diff er ence to m e: h i s t o r y wa s s ti l l h i s to r y; m a th was s till math; chemis tr y wa s s ti l l ch em i s tr y— C h i n es e was sti l l Ch inese. I f ther e wa s a n yth i n g th a t wa s ch a n g ed , i t wo ul d be the d if f icu lty level — o r “wei rd l evel ”— o f ea ch exam. On e thin g abou t “ lite r a tu re” i n C h i n a ’s ed u ca ti o n s ys tem th at I con s id er r ema r ka ble i s th a t th ere i s o n e a n d o n l y on e ri g h t ans wer to ea ch q u es ti o n a s ked . E s s ays s h o u l d h ave a “ p o s itive” and “ cor r ect” p ers p ective, wh i ch fo r m ed th e co n si s -

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ten c y o f th e n o ti o n s th at were ac ce p ted an d encour ag ed by mai n stream cul ture.

I di dn’t f i n d a “ co r rect p ersp ective” i n liter atur e an al ysi s i n ap p ro p ri ate, o r wo rked ag ai n st th e pr inciple of h uman i ty at th at ti me—af ter al l , ever yo n e eventually found th ei r way th ro ug h i t. I f el t ap p al l ed an d resen tful, since it wo rked ag ai n st me. Deb ati n g to my i n n er sel f, I decided I was th e o n e b ei n g wro n g al o n g th e way.

L ucki l y, my C h i n ese teach er at el ementar y school g ave me so me en co urag emen t. “ Yo u h ave yo ur own opin i o n s. I can see i t i n yo ur essays.” S h e to l d me, “D o not lose th em.” As i f f o rg etti n g so meth i n g i mp o r tan t, she pr om ptly added, “ T h ey mi g h t make yo ur C h i n ese study mor e effor tful i n th e f uture. Yet, do n o t l o se th em sti l l .”

As I h ad ri sen to j un i o r h i g h , I f el t the m agic of l i terature was recedi n g. I f el t th e wo rl d was settled. I felt ever yth i n g I h ad l ear n ed was wi th i n g rasp.

My studyi n g di d b eco me mo re strenuous. A s the l o n g l i st o f cl ass ran k i s p er p etual l y p o sted o n the fr ont b o ard ever y ti me af ter exams—as i t tur n ed o ut that I be came th e f al l -o ut ag ai n i n C h i n ese—I was al most convinced th at I mi g h t b e desti n ed to b e an o utl i er, an o utlier who wo ul d h ave to meet teach ers to tal k th ro ug h the “failur es” an d th ei r h i g h “ exp ectati o n s” (exag g er ated o r not, they b eh aved i n th at way f ro m th e p ersp ect ive o f a child) after sch o o l wh en p eers h ad g o n e h o me, an o utl i er who would h ave to f ace p aren ts’ b l eak b l ami n g f o r n o t p er for m ing well o n exams af ter ar rivi n g h o me.

Yet, as a ki d, my so meti mes-f r ustrati ng-g r ades di dn’t i mp ede my curi o si ty.

“ W hy do we n eve r exp l i ci tl y l ear n C h ina’s contem p o rar y h i sto r y an d l i terature i n cl ass?” I asked my par ents wh en I was an ei g h th g rader, “ why i s i t al ways about the ‘h i sto ri c 5000-year’ f ro m el emen tar y sch o o l ti ll now?”

“ Wel l , i t’s i mp o ssi b l e to test o n th e contem por ar y wo rk o n exams,” Dad re p l i ed.

“ W hy? ”

“ I t’s contr overs i a l .”

“ I know ther e i s m o re th a n ‘ Ma o i s a g rea t ch ai rman’ . I know people ca n n o t o n th e o th er h a n d s ay ‘Mao i s no t a g r ea t cha ir m a n’ . T h ey fea r.”

“ Hu s h! D on’t s ay th a t! ” W h a tever Mu m was do i n g at that mom ent, s he woul d s to p a n d tu r n to m e wi th a seri o us war nin g look.

“ I t’s contr overs i a l ,” D a d wo u l d co n ti nu e h i s un finis h ed lines, “ M a o d i d d o s o m eth i n g fa u l ty— p ro fo un dl y fau lty. Yet, ever yone m a kes m i s ta kes, ri gh t? Ma o ’s mi stakes cann ot pr ove him a s n o t b ei n g a g rea t ch a i r m a n , a nd a g reat man…”

I s k yped with my p a ren ts a fter ca l l i n g Au nt due to the time d if f er ence between C h i n a a n d th e U S, tel li n g th em that I wa s s elected to b e a fi n a l i s t i n a crea tive writi n g co n tes t.

“ You took pa r t i n a wri ti n g co n tes t? A n d yo u are a finalis t? ” D a d wa s d o u b l y-s u r p ri s ed .

“ Yea h, I s u bm i tted th ree p o em s to th e co mmi ttee, on ce. A m onth a g o, I gu es s.”

“ I ’m s o pr ou d o f yo u , To n gto n g! ” I h ea rd Mum g rab bin g the m icr oph o n e, “We s en t yo u a b ro a d wi th th e ho pe o f cha ng ing you r s hy a n d q u i et p ers o n a l i ty a b i t—an d now, you have been m o re co n fi d en t… Ju s t. . . yo u s ho ul d tel l u s ab ou t the contes t ea rl i er, n ex t ti m e.”

“ I ’m not bein g m o re co n fi d en t. I ’ m j u s t b ei n g wh o I am.”

“ W ha t? We ca n’t h ea r yo u .”

“ O h,” I r ea liz ed : I s p o ke E n gl i s h .

U pon M u m’s req u es t, I tra n s l a ted o n e o f my f avo rite p oems to Chines e a n d em a i l ed i t to h er th e n ex t day.

“ I t’s bea u tif ul . E l eg a n t. I ca n i m a gi n e th e scen er y vividly.”

“ I t’s not a bou t s cen er y.” I s a i d i n C h i n es e.

“ I t i s b eauti f ul . I wi sh yo u co ul d wri te m or e lovely an d p o si tive p ro se l i ke th i s p i ece.”

“ I ’m n o t b ei n g b eauti f ul o r l ovel y o r positive.”

I sai d i n En g l i sh si l en tl y. H an g i n g up t h e cal l , I r ealiz ed C h i n ese mi g h t b e my l an g uag e f o r dai l y trivi a; English is my exp ressi o n o f a cri ti cal b ei n g.

Perh ap s due to my p aren ts b ei n g so l oving, or my b ei n g so cr uel , th e seg reg ati o n b etween us g radually g r ew.

I n sp i te o f my ef f o r t to co n tro l mysel f to n o t talk about an yth i n g “ sen si tive” to my p aren ts, i t was sti l l usually futile.

I received a messag e f ro m a cl assmate fr om my C h i n ese j un i o r h i g h sch o o l th i s C h i n ese New Year, inviting me to take a questi o n n ai re o n “ setti n g o f f f i rewor ks and air p o l l uti o n i n Bei j i n g ” .

“ W h ere wi l l th e resul t o f yo ur data g o?” I asked h er.

“ Nowh ere. We j ust made i t up f o r sur vey hom e wo rk.”

I to o k th e questi o n n ai re. T h e questi o ns wer e mi sl eadi n g i n a way th at ten ded to g ui de th e questionnair e takers to ch o o se th e “ i n ten ded” an swer, wh i ch was in favor o f l i mi ti n g an d p ro h i b i ti n g setti n g o f f f i rewo rks in or der to rescue th e ai r qual i ty.

“ T h i s desi g n i s ri di cul o us. I t ’s h o r ri f i cally r idicul o us.”

“ Yo u can’t say i t l i ke th i s.” Mum sai d, “You don’t see h ow messy th e streets are due to th e remn ants of f i rewo rks. An d p eo p l e h ave to wear mask to g o out of the h o use!”

“ Wel l , p e o p l e are weari n g mask n o t b ecause of fir e wo rks. H ow ab o ut al l th e b i g f acto ri es an d manufactur er s th at p ro duce to n s o f al l f o r ms o f p o l l uti o n s ever y m inute day an d n i g h t?”

“ But f i rewo rks do p ro duce p o l l uti o n s as well.”

“ Yes, i n an extremel y i n co n sp i cuo us a m ount. Setting

49

off firewor ks is wha t C h i n es e h ave d o n e fo r 5 0 0 0 years.”

“ Well, you r cl a s s m a te’s i n ten ti o n i s g o o d .”

“ I ’m not ta lk i n g a b o u t i n ten ti o n s.”

“ T heir intenti o n i s p o s i tive, a n d th ere’re a l ways s ome people thi n k i n g fi rewo rk s d o m a ke th e di f f erence… ” Now, it wa s D a d ’s tu r n .

“ I ’m not ta lk i n g a b o u t i n ten ti o n s. I s u b m i tted th e q u es tionna ir e. I s u pp o r ted h er wo rk .”

“ … a nd you s h o u l d a l l ow o th ers to th i n k i n th ei r own way… ” He conti nu ed .

“ I ’m not pr oh i b i ti n g a n yo n e fro m th i n k i n g th ei r own th ou g hts !”

“ Tong tong , so m eti m es I wo r r y yo u a re g o in g to o far.” It wa s M u m .

“ I know.”

“ You d on’t kn ow. Li s ten to m e fi n i s h i n g my sentence. You a r e g oing to o fa r… ”

“ I know, you th i n k I b etray.” I s a i d i t i n C hi n ese.

T he tr a ns itio n wa s a b r u p t. I f ti m e h a d m o l ecul es, they mu s t have been al l h a l ted a n d s u s p en d ed . “ Yes.”

D oes la ng u a g e a cco m p l i s h m en t— co m p reh en si o n and p ro d u ction— neces s a ri l y en ta i l th e u l ti m a te i n si g h t o f its cu ltu r e a nd the po s s es s i o n o f i ts i d en ti t y?

I s id entity a n o b j ect th a t o n e ca n p o s s i b l y p o ssess?

Am I u n-f a s ten i n g my i d en ti ty— a s a C h i n ese f emal e yo u ng a d u lt— via bein g m o re s ke p ti ca l d u ri n g my s tudyi n g i n the US A?

W her e d oes my 1 5 yea rs o f ex p o s u re to C hi n ese an d Ch ina’s m a r velou s 500 0 -yea r h i s to r y l ea d m e to ?

D o I s u ppos e to ca l l th o s e 1 5 yea rs “s u i ci d e” , o r the recent 4 yea r s “ a s s i m i l a ti o n ”— o r, o n th e o th er h an d, “ tran s cend ence” ? ……

As I pond er ed , I reca l l ed my el em en ta r y a nd j un i o r high yea r s ba ck in Ch i n a — th o s e yea rs o f d eb a ti n g “ i f I was righ t o r the s ys tem wa s ri gh t”. E ven th o u gh I wa s g ui ded to acce p t a nd believe in m a i n s trea m i d eo l o g y, I s ti l l str ug g l ed to retain my va g u e s en s e o f cri ti ca l i ty.

I n this way, b ei n g s ke p ti ca l h a s n o th i n g to do wi th iden tity or the s ens e o f b el o n gi n g— i t em erg es a s a tem perament, d e veloping i n to a p ers o n a l q u a l i ty; i t i s a way of thin king. Du r ing my fo u r yea rs s tu d yi n g a b ro a d —o n this land encou r a g ing i n d iv i d u a l i ty, I s ee E n gl i s h fo ster my intrinsic cr itica lity, u n fo l d i n g a n d cra fti n g my th o ug h ts an d ins igh ts tha t wer e s u p p res s ed d u ri n g my l ea r n i n g i n C h i n ese

Rea lly, who is b ei n g a s s i m i l a ted ?

“ Don’t think A m eri ca n i d eo l o g y i s a l ways r i g h T h ere a r e lots of thin gs yo u d o n’t k n ow. T h e U S A i s n o t so demo cr a tic a s you thi n k … ”

“ I leave the j u d gm en t o n m e to yo u . B u t I am n o t s aying Amer ica is a u to p i a — i ts m ed i a i n fo r m a ti o n can b e q u ite b ia s ed a nd s kewed fro m s o u rce to s o u rce. E a ch co un tr y always s a tis f ies a n d m a x i m i z es i ts own i n teres t at f i rst place— s o d oes China . A n a ti o n o f co m p l ete h a r m on y (h e, meanin g ha r m ony in C h i n es e, wh i ch m ea n s “u n a n i mo us i n op inio n” , is a lways on th e to p a m o n g a l l th e tra d i ti o n al vi rtu es )— in a politica l sen s e— d o es n o t ex i s t.”

I im m ed ia tely reg retted my b l a b b i n g th i s l ast se n tence. I t wa s Chines e N ew Yea r.

50

E ven thou g h I d i d l o s e s o m eth i n g p reci o u s—so me -

th i n g memo rab l e duri n g my years i n C h i n a—I am for tunate th at my ske p ti ci sm i s evo l vi n g. I sn’t th i s cap ability a way to p reven t b ei n g mi sl ed? I f we treat cri ti ci sm as a for m of l ivi n g aware n ess an d co n sci o usn ess, th en I mi ght be clos er—i f i t can b e descri b ed i n th i s way—to my authenticity an d mo th er cul ture.

Rath er th an seg reg ati n g cul tures an d wor lds, the exp eri en ce o f studyi n g i n th e U.S. makes me see a m or e i n teg rated p i cture o f myri ad l ives. I can b e b oth Chinese an d a cri ti que, b o th a research sci en ti st (I ’m a biolog y m ajor wo rki n g at can cer research l ab s) an d an ar ti st, both a young adul t f emal e an d a n o n -co n f o r mi st.

No f al l -o uts. No p an i c. I am un def i n ed. It is myr iad p o ssi b i l i ty…

…an d al l th ese en ab l e a l o n g j o ur n ey of g oing be yo n d i n f i n i ty, a p ath o f tr avel i n g b ack to an o rigin…

Sara Warden Benevolent Tree Photography.

THE LONG WAY HOME Mara Joaquin

I cou ld have b l a m ed i t o n th e i n tox i ca ti o n o f yo uth .

O ther s m ig ht fi n d fa u l t o n j u s t i n toxi ca ti on .

M y pa r ents wo u l d s ay th a t i t wa s a n a ct o f p l ai n s tu pidity.

Rea lity wou ld p o i n t o u t th a t i t wa s T h u rs day n i g h t at co lleg e a nd the youth a re p ro n e to er r.

I t’s a med ia tro p e, l i ke Reb el W i th o u t a C ause.

W h ole m ovements begi n wi th th i s i d ea th a t yo u n g p eo p l e have tend encies to d o s tu p i d , reck l es s, a n d i m p u l s ive th i n g s.

Remember E lvis ?

Well, I d is r eg a rd a l l o f yo u g o o d i e-g o o d i e n ay-say ers that s pend ever y wa k i n g m o m en t, i n cl u d i n g Fri day nigh ts, a t the libr a r y. I a l s o d o n’t co u n t th e o p i n i o n o f the peo ple who d on’t ven tu re o u ts i d e i n to th e wi l d at al l becau se they’r e too bu s y p l ayi n g S k yri m a l l d ay a n d h ave vir tu al r om a ntic r ela ti o n s h i p s. I h ave n o th i n g a g a i n st l i b raries o r vid eog a mes, but l et’s b e rea l h ere, th ere a re val uab l e exp eriences ou ts id e th e fo r m a t o f fo u r wa l l s.

L ong s tor y s h o r t, yo u wi l l a t l ea s t g et th a t o n e u nreas ona ble impu ls e to p rove to yo u rs el f th a t th at th e inv incibility a nd imper v i o u s n es s th a t yo u feel d u ri ng yo ut h .

It’s s o m ething ta ng ibl e, s o m eth i n g th a t ca n yi el d resul ts l i ke

i n ch emi str y l ab o r th ro ug h g ai n s i n sto cks. You want to g et h i g h f ro m b ei n g at th e cusp o f ado l escen ce; l i ke the sweet smel l o f h o o kah th at yo u kn ow yo ur n ei g h b o r sm okes and yo u do n’t kn ow why i t’s ap p eal i n g.

Yo u kn ow wh at I ’m tal ki n g ab o ut.

H owever, th i s i sn’t ab o ut g etti n g dr unk on youth, b ut th e so b ri ety th at f o l l ows.

I t was o n a T h ursday f o r me, co mi n g hom e fr om dri n ki n g wi th a f ri en d, cel eb rati n g h er f i rst j o b offer and meeti n g h er cur ren t f l ame f ro m Ti n der.

I t seemed crazy to th i n k th at we were all g oing to g raduate i n a f ew days an d th e th i n vei l b etween us and the real wo rl d wo ul d sudden l y recede. We wo ul d eventually g et j o b s, settl e down , an d h o p e f o r th e h o use wi th the white p i cket f en ce an d th e 2.5 ch i l dren p ro mi sed by the elusive Ameri can dream.

Of co urse, n o n e o f us wan ted to th i n k about that; we merel y wan ted to en j oy o ur L o n g I sl an d I ced Teas and make i dl e ch i t ch at ab o ut p ro f esso rs an d exams and paper s.

I de p ar ted earl y f ro m o ur g ath eri n g , knowing all to o wel l I n eeded to g et so me sl ee p b ef o re cl ass the nex t

51

day. Too ena mor ed by th e l i gh ts o f th e ci ty a n d u n ab l e to take th e beer g la s s es o ff, I d eci d ed to ta ke a d i ffer en t ro ute ho me.

I hopped on th e 6 a n d s a t d own , wa i ti n g for th e b us to tu r n d own the r oa d a n d towa rd s th e fa m i l i a r, gl i tteri n g lig hts of the d owntown a rea .

T he bu s d id n’t tu r n .

I ns tea d , I was wh i s ked away d own s treets I di d n o t kn ow with bu ild ing s I h a d n ever s een b efo re. T h e l i g h ts o f the downtown a r ea f ad ed a n d s u d d en l y th e b u s wa s swal lowed into d ens e d a r k n es s. I t wa s s o r t o f l i ke g o i ng i n to hyperd r ive f r om a tho u s a n d gl i tteri n g s ta rs a n d i n to a b l ack ho le…

And the pa s sen g ers s eem ed to m eta m o r p h ose i n to abys mal being s a s wel l .

With ever y s to p, th e h a p p y d r u n k s fro m th e C ap i tol ho pped of f a nd were re p l a ced wi th th e d a rk travel ers o f the night. T he new pa s s en g ers were th o s e wo r n -o u t wo rkers comin g hom e f r om th ei r d ea d en d j o b s o r th e n i ghtcrawl ers of the evening ind u s tri es wh o were j u s t h ea d i n g o ut t o do bu s in es s. T hey a ll ex ud ed th i s h eav y a m b i en ce, l i ke a co l lected a nd withhe ld s i gh .

I f elt s o ou t o f p l a ce. I t wa s a co m p l ete b uzzki l l .

As s obr iety s ettl ed i n , s o d i d p a n i c. I rea l i z ed th at I was no t g oing home. I wa s n o t g o i n g i n th e d i rectio n I was s u pp osed t o.

D a m n, I ne ed ed a d ri n k .

I lea ned a g a in s t my s ea t a n d cl u tch ed my purse, con s id er ing my option s. I h a d five:

A) G et of f a t th e n ext s to p a n d h o p o n a n o th er b us

B ) Ca ll a ca b a n d g et o ff i n a few s to p s to meet i t

C) Ca ll my ho p efu l l y s o b er fri en d to p i ck me up

D ) Stay on th e b u s fo r th e wh o l e ri d e

E ) Ca ll M om a n d D a d

I cr ing ed a t th e l a s t o p ti o n . R i gh t b efo re I wen t o ut to drink, I ha d a n a r gu m en t wi th my D a d o n th e p ho n e. I told h im tha t I d id n’t wa n t to g o o n th e fa m i l y tri p to Zi o n Nation a l Pa r k a g a in th i s yea r. We g o th ere ever y year an d hike down the s a m e d a m n tra i l a n d ever yo n e j u s t g ets real l y cran k y a nd s nippy a t ea ch o th er th ro u gh o u t th e trip. I do n’t wan t to be pa r t of tha t th i s yea r. T h i s yea r, I wa n t to ac tual ly en joy mys elf d u r ing b rea k …

I s topped a t th a t th o u gh t wh en I n o ti ced th at th ere were o nly thr ee peopl e l eft o n th e b u s : a l a rg e m a n i n dark cloth ing s itting a t the b a ck o f th e b u s, th e d river, an d my s elf.

T ime to f r ea k o u t n ow.

T ime to pla n if one o f th e gu ys a tta ck s m e, wh i ch o n e am I more li kely to kick th e a s s o f.

T ime f or m e to …

“ Hey, g ir l… a re yo u l o s t? ”

T he d r iver lo o ked a t m e a n d a s ked , s eem i n g l y to o con s id er a te.

Shit. W ha t d o I s ay? A l i e to p ro tect mys el f o r tel l the tr u th to pos s ibly h el p mys el f ?

I have no id ea … s o I wen t wi th th e l a tter, even tho u g h it wa s the more d a n g ero u s o p ti o n .

“ I wa s wond eri n g wh en th i s b u s g ets to C ar ro l l Street?”

T he d r iver r ai s ed a n eyeb row a n d fr own ed , “ I t’l l take an other hou r bef o re I g et th ere. Yo u s h o u l d h ave g o t ten on the othe r bu s o n th e o th er s i d e o f th e s treet.”

R ig ht. D a m n th e a l co h o l .

“ O h, u m, I s ee. Wel l , wh a t ca n I d o ? ” I l a ug h ed s hee pishly, menta lly b ea ti n g mys el f u p. W h a t el s e can I do ?

52

I do n’t even kn ow wh ere I am.

We ven tured f ur th er down th e ro ad, p ast the r esi den ti al areas. T h e wh o l e n ei g h b o rh o o d was aslee p, lethar gic streetl amp s stan di n g g uard o n th e co r n ers o f the blocks.

T h e l ar g e man wh o was si tti n g i n th e b ack g o t off at one of th o se l o n el y l i t areas an d i s swal l owed wh o l e by the dar k n ess. I can’t h el p b ut si g h , f eel i n g trap p ed.

“ T h ere sh o ul d b e an o th er b us wh en we g et to the mal l . I t i s h eadi n g i n th e di recti o n b ack to th e city. I sug g est yo u g et o n th at o n e, dear,” th e driver sai d qui etly, kee ping h i s eyes o n th e b arel y seen ro ad.

I n o dded, dari n g n o t to l o o k at h i m as we co ntinued down o ur j o ur n ey. I g l an ced o ut th e wi n dow an d saw the com for t i n g g l ow o f th e ci ty l i g h ts o n th e o th er si de o f the shadowy waters o f th e l ake th at se p arated us. T h e b ui l d ings seem ed to g l i mmer i n th e b ackdro p o f n i g h t, as th o ugh f loating in th e ai r by i tsel f.

I t to o k a f ew mi nutes b ef o re we ar rived at the m all.

I t seemed al mo st deso l ate at th i s ti me o f n i g h t, the usually f i l l ed p arki n g l o t was emp ty an d n o n e o f th e signs wer e lit up.

On to p o f i t al l , i t star ted rai n i n g.

“ S ee, th at’s h i m. Just g o o n th e b us and wait for yo ur sto p,” th e b us driver sai d as h e o p en ed the door for me, “ H ave a n i ce n i g h t.”

I th an ked h i m b e f o re maki n g a dash to the other b us, wh i ch th an kf ul l y was j ust a f ew f eet away. Once inside th e o th er b us, I p l o p p ed mysel f o n th e seat cl osest to the do o r an d l o o ked aro un d f o r th e dr iver, wh o was nowher e in si g h t. I l et o ut a h eavy si g h b ef o re l ean i n g b ack, r aising my h ead to l o o k at th e cei l i n g. W h at th e h el l was I doing her e?

“ Yo u l o o k l i ke yo u’ve h ad a ro ug h n i g ht.”

I scramb l ed to si t up strai g h t i n my chair, looking at wh o was tal ki n g. I t was th e driver o f th i s b us. He was an el derl y man , mayb e i n h i s l ate f i f ti es, earl y si xti es. He looked l i ke h e h ad b een so me so r t o f ath l e te o r b o dy builder in h i s yo un g er years wi th h i s l arg e ar ms an d b ro ad shoulder s, b ut ag e h ad g iven way to o th er th i n g s l i ke a b eer belly and h ai r l o ss. H e wo re a b aseb al l cap an d th e Metro unifor m , so meh ow l o o ki n g mo re un kemp t th an th e o th er bus dr iver s I usual l y saw aro un d. H e smi l ed at me symp athetically as I si g h ed.

“ I g uess yo u co ul d say th at,” I resp o nded. He m er el y n o dded as h e cl o sed th e do o r an d star ted dr iving down h i s usual ro ute.

T h e f i rst f ew mi nutes o f th e drive were filled with p eacef ul si l en c e. T h e driver h ummed to h i mself, not saying much as h e man euvered th ro ug h th e sl umb eri ng neighborh o o ds. Af ter a f ew mo re tur n s, I n o ti ced th e num ber of street l i g h ts i n creased; we f i n al l y h ad made i t back to the mai n ro ads. I to o k th at ch an ce to f i n al l y take note of the areas we were drivi n g by, n o t so scared o f i t an ym or e because I kn ew th at th e b us was h eadi n g wh ere i t n eeded to g o.

T h at, at l east, g ave me a sen se o f securi ty an d r elief.

Gl an ci n g at th e overh ead mi r ro r, h e smiled.

“ Yo u a un iversi ty studen t?”

I n o dded, un ab l e to take my eyes o f f of the en ch an tmen t o f qui et, sl ee p y h o mes i n co n trast to the loud ci ty I was so f ami l i ar to.

“ W h at are yo u studyi n g ?” h e asked, stopping the b us to p i ck up an o th er n i g h tcrawl er.

“Atmo sp h eri c an d Ocean i c S ci en ces, sir,” I an swer ed, “ I wan t to b e a meteo ro l o g i st.”

“ I h ave a so n wh o ’s ab o ut yo ur ag e. He’s into that ki n d o f th i n g to o. H e’s n o t maj o ri n g i n i t th o ugh. He wants

to be a tea cher.”

He continu ed to l o o k d own th e ro a d , n o t taki n g h i s eyes o f f of his r ou te, “Yo u ’re n o t fro m a ro u n d th ese areas, are yo u ? ”

“ No,” I conf es s ed , “I ’ m fro m th e Wes t C o ast. I ’m here b eca u s e my pa r en ts wen t h ere.”

“ B u t you enjoyi n g yo u rs el f h ere? ”

I s hr u g g ed . T h a t wa s a l o a d ed q u es ti o n . “It’s g rowing on m e.”

I looke d ba ck o n ce m o re o u t th e wi n d ow, remem bering my f ig ht with my D a d . I s i gh ed a n d s h o o k my h ead, tu r n ing to conver s a tio n to d i s tra ct mys el f.

“ Do you have a n y o th er k i d s ? ”

“ I have thir teen ,” h e s ta ted a s h e m a d e a tur n an d s top ped once mor e, p i ck i n g u p m o re p a s s en g ers, mo st o f them nig htcr awler s a n d s o m e o f th em p a r ti ers.

“ Wow, is you r s o n th e o l d es t? ” I a s ked .

He chu ckled , “N o, h e’s s eco n d to th e l a s t. My yo u ng es t is twelve a nd my o l d es t i s tu r n i n g fo r ty s o o n .” H e tu r n ed the wheel a nd tu r n ed a s treet a n d tu r n ed h imsel f, makin g s u r e to check th e ro a d .

“ Wow. T ha t’s q u i te a n a g e g a p.”

“ I know,” he ch u ck l ed .

“ I ’m s or r y,” I mu r mu red , “I d i d n’t m ea n to say th at ou t loud .”

“ I t’s f ine,” he l o o ked a t m e th ro u gh th e overh ead mir ror, e yes twinkling l i ke th e s treet l i gh ts we p a s s ed by.

“ You know, yo u p u t m e i n a s en ti m en ta l m o o d,” h e s aid, th e lilt in his vo i ce s o u n d ed l i ke a fo n d l i s tl essn ess.

“ How s o, s ir ?” I a s ked q u i etl y, l o o k i n g o u t th e wi ndow as we pa s s ed thr o u gh th e twi n k l i n g i n ca n d es cen t l i g h ts of the city.

“ You know... Yo u rem i n d m e o f h er.”

I tu r ned to g l a n ce a t h i m , “O f wh o m , s i r? ”

He ke pt his twi n k l i n g eyes o n th e ro a d , b ut g ave a s mall smile, “ M y old es t d a u gh ter, Perd i ta .” “ O h.”

“ Per r i wa s a l i ttl e s p i tfi re. . . O u tg o i n g, s m ar t, so ci a ble.. . S tu bbor n too, b u t s h e g o t th a t fro m m e. Mo st o f al l , s he had tha t f a r of f lo o k i n h er eyes, eyes th a t s ea rch ed f o r the thi ng s beyond wh a t m e a n d h er m o th er co u l d of f er.”

As I lis tene d to h i m g o o n a b o u t Perd i ta g rowi n g up playin g in the mu d a n d d ra g gi n g s tray k i tten s i n to th e h o use, I co u ld n’t help bu t wo n d er.

“ W ha t ha ppen ed to h er, s i r? ” “ She never liked the f a ct th a t I d i d n’t m a r r y h er m o th er. W hen we ha d Per ri , we were to o yo u n g, to o n a ive. We fou gh t too mu ch, s he d ra n k to o mu ch . I g o t s o b er af ter we had Per r i, wor king l o n g h o u rs to m a ke en d s m eet,” h e pau s ed , a pr eg na nt s il en ce b etween u s s ettl ed wei gh ti l y b e fore h e went on.

“ T hen, I f ell i n l ove wi th a n o th er wo m a n . I b ro ke i t off with Per r i’s m om to b e wi th h er. . .

I tr ied to be a g o o d fa th er to Per ri , b u t a s sh e g rew u p, s he beca me mor e res en tfu l . S h e a p p l i ed to co l l eg e at th e oth er s id e of the cou n tr y a n d refu s ed my h el p to pay f o r i t.

I.. .” H e c le a r ed his th ro a t, h i d i n g h ow ch o ked u p h e was, befo re continu ing on. “I h ave n o t s een o r h ea rd fro m h er i n over twenty yea r s.”

As I lis tene d to h i s s to r y, I fo u n d mys el f sh i f ti n g clos er a nd c los er to th e fro n t o f th e b u s. I fel t fo r h i m.

“ M y other ch i l d ren en d ed u p th e s a m e way. I h ave thir tee n of them a nd el even d o n’t ta l k to m e.” H e l aug h ed mir th les s ly.

“ O f cou r s e, th ey were d i fferen t fro m Per ri. T h ey

wan ted to do dr ug s an d p ar ty. No n e o f th em wanted a better l i f e... An d n ei th er di d th ei r mo th ers. I b l ame myself for fall i n g f o r th e wro n g wo men .”

We b o th were si l en t as h e drove o n , the dar k night seemi n g den ser th an ever.

“ H ave yo u tri ed to co n tact Per ri b ef o r e? A sk for f o rg ive n ess?”

H e sh o o k h i s h ead. “ I h ave, b ut sh e won’t even pick up th e p h o n e. I kn ow sh e’s so mewh ere i n New Yor k with a n i ce h o use, a j o b, a f ami l y. H er h usb an d sen ds car ds to us ever y C h ri stmas... But th at’s i t.”

“ I see,” I b i t my l i p, “ I ... I ’m sure she m isses yo u an d f eel s b ad... S h e’l l co me b ack. I ’m sure that they all wi l l . I h o p e th ey al l real i ze so meday th at th ey’r e wr ong.”

I th o ug h t b ack to my Dad an d th e rest of my fam ily, wh o were p ro b ab l y al l asl ee p by n ow, n estl ed in our house, wh i ch wasn’t so di f f eren t f ro m th e sl ee p y h o m es we passed by earl i er.

I rememb ered my h i g h sch o o l days when my D ad wo ul d l eave th e si n g l e p o rch l i g h t o n wh en I stayed out late, th at l i ttl e b eaco n l i g h ti n g up th e surf ace o f o ur dr iveway.

H e wo ul d sco l d me f o r stayi n g o ut p ast curf ew, but the light wo ul d al ways b e l ef t o n wh en I came h o me.

I swal l owed th i ckl y, “ I kn ow i t mi g h t so un d weir d fr om a stran g er, b ut I th i n k yo u’re a g o o d dad.”

I l o o ked away, b ack to di stracti n g myself with the f l i ckeri n g l i g h ts o f th e sl umb eri n g si dewal ks.

“ T h an k yo u, dear.” H e smi l ed at me, taking a quick g l an ce at me b ef o re tur n i n g to th e ro ad.“ L o o ks like we’r e b ack.”

T h e C ap i to l b ui l di n g sh o n e l i ke a b eacon as we drove towards i t, th e ci t y g l owi n g wi th th e l i f e of the night.

As we drove th ro ug h th e twi n kl i n g str eets of the f ami l i ar ci tyscap e, an un kown f ee l i n g reso un ded inside m e.

I t was stuck i n my th ro at, th i ck an d i mmovab l e.

May b e i t was g ui l t, I do n’t kn ow. Mayb e i t was sym pathy...

W h en h e dro p p ed me o f f at my sto p, the bus had b eco me crowded wi th f ami l i ar stran g ers, th e k inds of people I exp ected i n my n ei g h b o rh o o d. T h e b us was filled with the to o h ap p y ch atter o f p ar ti es an d b ar-h o p p i n g. T hey wer e all to o l o ud an d to o caref ree.

I ste p p ed o ut o f th e b us an d tur n ed to face the driver, a smal l smi l e o n my f ace. “ T h an k yo u f o r taki n g me h o me.”

H e smi l ed b ack, l eath er b o un d f ace crinkling as he sai d, “ Yo u’re wel co me, ki d. Yo u b e g o o d n ow, okay?”

An d wi th th at, h e drove o f f, tur n i n g the str eet corn er to p ath s b eyo n d my p eri p h er y.

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illumination

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