Behind The Frontline: A Freshers’ Survival Guide To The Student Kitchen

Behind the frontline: A fresher’s survival guide to the student kitchen

Impact’s Alice Nott regales personal survival stories from her time on the frontline in a student kitchen war zone.

Cooking for oneself for the first time brings great freedom and authority. But, as the adage goes, with great power comes great responsibility. So, to ensure your newfound liberties don’t get you in trouble, Impact is here to guide you through the horrors and hazards of the student kitchen.

When you enter your student kitchen, come prepared to encounter the infamous bins. These can become a source of endless trial and tribulation, especially if you’re located on the top floor and the bin is on the other side of your accommodation. Or, even better, if they’re constantly overflowing and leaking suspicious smelling juices. The optimistic among you may propose the introduction of a rota, which, even if created, will in all likelihood not be observed. My advice: if the bin is full, pick it up, tie it up and empty it on your way out of your house or flat - your cohabitants will thank me later.

“Be ever wary of the omnipresent risk of spitting and exploding food.”

The next test in the student kitchen is the microwave. Though it may at first appear a simple route to an easy dinner - be warned! Never put metal inside (there’s less treacherous ways to get sparks flying - try Matchmaking Soc) and be ever wary of the omnipresent risk of spitting and exploding food. Top tip: spitting can be avoided with a simple lid and explosions by ensuring you undo any airtight containers, whilst resisting the urge to overfill any bowls. A microwave’s simplicity is misleading, keep your eyes on the machine at all times! Next on our tour is the oven. There are, of course, the obvious hazards (scorching oven tray + paper-thin oven mitt = high stakes Charades game with your flat mates as you attempt to communicate between expletives), but the unforeseen menace is the 4am oven chip craving. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can resist the call of your bed for a mere twenty minutes, it never ends well. Heed this advice: you are far better swinging by the chippy (or sticking to some good ol’ toast) than putting the chips in, forgetting about them and waking your whole block up at 5am to the sweet soothing screech of the fire alarm.

“Veg goes in ripe and ready to eat, but comes out… just waiting to give you a life threatening bacterial disease”

This brings us to the fridge-freezer. There is less possibility for serious harm here, but there are hazards all the same. One of the main perils in the student kitchen is the cool box. Veg goes in ripe and ready to eat, but comes out displaying a wonderfully mouldy malady of blues, blacks, whites and yellows, just waiting to give you a life threatening bacterial disease. My recommendation: keep on top of stuff that goes off easily, keep it on a shelf in sight and always prioritise eating things that are perishable before you dip into your ohso-tempting supply of super noodles and crisps.

By Alice Nott Illustration and Page Design by Chiara Crompton