My Body and Me

IMPACT24 Our bodies are often a key way of identifying ourselves; whether we’re sporty, young or even our gender. Nila Varman questions how this identity can be morphed by the opinions and words of others. Who am I? A question asked so often that, at times, I find it almost loses its meaning when asking myself in front of a mirror, or when I’m in bed contemplating and overthinking. Are our subconscious thoughts the enemy or are they just the soundtrack to our everyday lives? I was once told that these thoughts are the hardest to argue with, especially if they pertain to the mismatch between how you look versus how you feel. What do I identify myself as? Even that question is tainted by social constraints; our very concept of identity is confined by conditioning to a small set of lazy labels for disingenuous categories like fat, thin, slim, pretty, and most perniciously of all, ugly. Society’s changing standards of what is considered “fat”, “thin” or “ideal” may be perceived as a result of manifesting unrealistic standards. Nowadays thestandards we set for ourselves based on subconscious comparisons and “body image”, is shifted from a personal understanding and relationship with our bodies to a dreaded conundrum marred by shame and guilt. I’m no stranger to body shaming, and frankly I’ve lost count of the number of times strangers, relatives and that one aunt, who for some unfathomable reason always claims my face is rounder than the last time she saw me, have criticised my appearance with snide comments. Let’s not forget to mention the judging look when helping myself to a second portion of food because let’s face it, I love food! Unfortunately, I’m so far from alone, because nearly 94% of teenage girls and 65% of boys have reported feeling insecure about their bodies due to body shaming. Contrary to popular conjectures, a healthy body image is not just deciding that you don’t “hate” yourself, but more accepting yourself as you are. Social media used to be fun, but nowadays, it increasingly strikes me as a façade of entertainment, because when I’m not posting, I’m comparing myself to everyone else, or being bombarded by toxic celeb-endorsed appetite suppressants. Though body positivity is gaining traction, others simultaneously find more creative ways to add new words to their distorted vocabulary with which to undermine others. According to psychologists, the dissatisfaction of one’s self appearance is enhanced by internalising thin ideals and social standards of physical appearance (Thompson & Stice, 2001). “Unfortunately, I’m so far from alone, because nearly 94% of teenage girls and 65% of boys have reported feeling insecure about their bodies due to body shaming” As a woman, I find my personality and appearance playing victim to judgement and labelling by others’ definitions. If we stand up for ourselves, we’re loud or boisterous; we’re kindly put forth as “voluptuous” if we’re curvy (as if that were a bad thing); and if we take a selfie or, let’s be real, use self-timer in aesthetic places, we’re narcissistic. Let’s remember that before photographs, men used to spend hours being painted, whilst dressed in robes to depict how long they’d been thinking for that day. The stereotypes centred around body identity only perplex understanding further rather than helping to form a true identity. My Body

“As a woman, I find my personality and appearance playing victim to judgement and labelling by others’ definitions”

FEATURES 25 It may come as a surprise to some that many people don’t take the question “have you lost weight” as a compliment! It may be perceived as asserting the notion that “thin” bodies are inherently more desirable than other body types. Contrastingly, weight loss may not be an intentional effort either; it may be the aftermath of something else, so why comment on someone’s body or succumb to weight stigmatisation at all? We already struggle to manifest a certain “body image” representation, although some people commonly and obliviously draw perceptions that our beautiful body is a source of shame. This sets some of us back a few days or weeks until we recover from a low blow either from ourselves or the harsh mind of another. We cease to remember that, for many, weight loss may be grief and trauma related. It may also be related to an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia and body dysmorphic disorder) which have emotional tolls on our bodies, not for the sake of diet and beauty. Consequently, we project views of losing weight or attaining an “acceptable” figure onto other people’s bodies without understanding how they feel about their size. “We project views of losing weight or attaining an ‘acceptable’ figure onto other people’s bodies without understanding how they feel about their size” For those with a stronger mentality, turning a deaf ear may come more easily than self-conscious mindsets, like mine. It’s hard to look the other way sometimes, and even so, I can’t help but ask myself, “Do I look like that? What if she’s right?”. How are we supposed to know what to believe about ourselves? Must we confine ourselves to the name or adjective that is associated with us? In my opinion, society leads us to believe that every insult or adjective thrown at us is a literal description of our identity. Why do I, a woman with a certain build who practises ballet, have to be labelled “the fat ballet dancer”, instead of just “ballet dancer”. Maybe if our relationship with our bodies focused on being in them instead of how we look in them, or if we were less aware of how others perceived them, we’d gain a clearer picture of our perceived body image. “Maybe if our relationship with our bodies focused on being in them instead of how we look in them” So who am I? Who are we? Regardless of what people say, we are talented, beautiful and powerful. It’s hard to see such power crippled by words alone. We can probably never form a concrete picture or a perfect equilibrium between how we look and how we feel, because we are constantly exposed to novel experiences which make us better, more considerate people. So when I find out who I actually am, I’ll let you know. Nila Varman Graphic by Chiara Crompton Page Design by Natasha Phang-Lee And Me

I often hear the cliché that “words don’t define you” but it’s hard to untether labels from the identity other people force upon you. When someone labels you, it’s hard to tell yourself that it’s not true. Labels have a profound yet reductive effect on self-esteem and self-perception. The problem with these labels, is that their over-simplicity makes them memorable, so they cling to every casual glance on every reflective surface.