Nottingham, Nottingham! It’s a Hell of a Town

Shivani Hindocha provides every Nottingham student with a comprehensive list of ‘gripes’ which they are likely to encounter during their time at UoN. From hiking up hills to sidestepping CPOs, this is the ultimate Nottingham burn book.

Welcome to Nottingham - the city of Robin Hood and the birthplace of HP Sauce.

Welcome to Nottingham - you’ll find absolutely no parking and encounter CPOs at every Lenton turn. Having reached my third year, I’ve been here long enough to rack up an extensive list of the most annoying things plaguing students living in Nottingham. If none of these have ever ground your gears, you must have the patience of a saint. And let me say, as someone who does not, I am incredibly jealous.

So, parking. Allow me to start by giving you some context: I’m lazy. Unfortunately, both the city and the University do not accommodate for this. Practically every parking spot requires you to have a permit, or to pay. This means you either have to walk (as I said before, I’m lazy), park miles away and then walk, fork out for public transport, or fork out even more to park in a space which is vaguely close to your desired destination.

If, by some miracle, you do stumble across a free space, I can guarantee you it will be very tight, especially in Lenton. Since I cannot parallel park (well, not in under 20 minutes anyway), these tight Lenton parking spaces are not an option for me. And, not to be too presumptuous, but I would guess this is probably the case for the majority of you, too, so I suggest you invest in some comfortable walking shoes ASAP. For those of you who are blessed enough to be skilled at parallel parking, congratulations on being elite. It must be so nice to be you.

In addition to being lazy, I am very unfit (I blame it on Long Covid), so don’t even get me started on the hills: the great Derby Road Hill, in particular.

Steep hills are my number one enemy. If you ever catch me on campus looking concerningly out of breath, it’s all because of those damn hills. Placing Cripps Health Centre at the top of, perhaps, the most gigantic hill was a particularly clever move from the University. That way, if I ever pass out from the hike, I can be sure that someone will provide me with medical assistance at the top in record time.

Another complaint of mine is the location of the Sports Village (yes, despite my complaints I have caved to the peer pressure and spent my life’s savings on a David Ross gym membership - don’t seem so shocked...). But why, oh why, is it so obscenely far from everything? The last thing anyone needs after a workout is a 60 minute walk home. In fact, why did I even bother to buy a gym membership in the first place when the trek there is a whole workout in itself?

Now, don’t even get me started on the CPOs (Community Protection Officers, if you’re lucky enough not to know). If you haven’t had an encounter with the CPOs, or seen them snooping around Lenton, then you’re obviously not having enough fun. The CPOs work for the council to enforce car permits, investigate noise complaints, prevent littering and keep tabs on every students’ move (rumour has it).

Good luck to any broke students having to pay one of their fines! Let’s hope you’ve got a healthy side hustle running because your maintenance loan almost definitely won’t cover it. But on a more serious side note, come on people, it’s 2021 - why on earth are you still littering? I’d rather not have a McDonald’s bag stuck to my shoe, I’m most definitely not ‘lovin’ it’.

Of course, I cannot end this article without mentioning the fantastic work of Student Services! If you manage to get a reply from them, and they’re able to solve your problem within one working month, I have to ask: how does it feel to be God’s favourite? I’ve lost count of the amount of hours I’ve spent queuing at Student Services, or emailing them trying to sort timetabling problems. I’m beginning to think that having a bad experience with Student Services is a prerequisite for graduating.

But, despite my many complaints, I can’t help but admit how much I love being a student in Nottingham. If we ignore the extortionate prices at the Sainsbury’s Local, then living in Lenton and being a 3-minute walk from your mate’s house is rather wonderful.. even if you have to invest in walking poles and an inhaler in order to get there.

By Shivani Hindocha

Illustration and Page Design by Chiara Crompton