IN Other Words

by Becky Slatten

WITH A HINT OF FALL in the air, it’s time for three of my favorite things: college football, Halloween and sweater weather. I’m sure I’m not the only one impatient for the first cool snap and an excuse to break out the boots. I still experience a childish thrill this time of year when the Halloween decorations hit the stores and the campy old “horror” movies begin to pop up on TV; there’s nothing better than an old black and white monster flick to give you a fright on a chilly fall night.

As a public service to my readers and in keeping with this spooky time of year, I’ve researched some of the most terrifying locations and activities on the Northshore and surrounding areas. For those of you hearty enough to brave some genuinely frightening experiences, I offer the following with a strong caution to tread carefully and keep your wits about you.

6. The Mortuary.

Located in New Orleans, this funeral-home-turned-Halloween attraction is purportedly haunted by real spirits. Plagued with huge crowds the entire month of October, this “haunted house” must be a huge eye-roll for the poor ghosts doomed to roam the halls of the gloomy mansion alongside overwrought teenagers and young adults clutching each other in irrational fear. Their eerie moans and rattling chains are no doubt drowned out by the whining of fake chainsaws and shrill screams of pubescent girls. Plus, it costs around $30.

5. Chuck E. Cheese.

A favorite haunt of the 8 and under crowd, this popular pizza place features shrieking children, large birthday parties, flashing lights, noisy attractions and a large robotic rodent. And if that isn’t frightening enough, countless parents have reported that after arriving with ample cash, they’ve left with nothing but a hot pink plastic slinky and an oversized pencil. The pizza’s pretty good though.

4. The Social Security Office in Lacombe.

Call before you go because you could easily encounter a dark, empty building void of any signs of life. They apparently keep very mysterious hours in Lacombe, especially after noon on Wednesday when the employees seemingly vanish into thin air.

3. The Traffic.

Starting about 2 p.m., anyone who lives or works in Covington or Mandeville should be all too familiar with this “witching hour” when, during the school year, time seems to stand still. At least that’s how it feels having to drive 15 miles per hour for blocks and blocks and hours and hours…well, two, but it seems longer. Traffic on I-12, Highway 190, Highway 21 and Highway 22 all slow to a nightmarish crawl until after the evening rush hour and a quick errand that should only take a few minutes instantly becomes a maddening, hours-long foray into bumper-to bumper traffic with no end in sight. And heaven forbid there’s a wreck on any of our major thoroughfares, thus creating an indefinite gridlock with no means of escape. I’ll take a haunted house filled with poltergeists any day over driving Highway 190 to Mandeville at 5 p.m.

2. The Grocery Store.

With nationwide production and supply chain issues creating shortages of essential items such as diapers and baby formula, not to mention the havoc on the wallet created by the specter of inflation, wandering the aisles of the grocery store can be a frightening experience these days.

1. The Gas Station.

Who knew a tank of gas would become the new luxury status symbol? With fuel prices doubling since last year in many locations, the gas station is easily the most terrifying place on the Northshore and around the globe; even more frightening, there’s currently no real plan to end this nightmare.

Ya know, the more I think of it, a haunted stroll through the Mortuary sounds very relaxing.