Keep the memories, trash the stuff

BY BONNIE MILLER RUBIN AND JURA KONCIUS

How to declutter sentimental things

IF YOU are downsizing or moving into a micro apartment, you will probably have more stuff than space for it all.

This means decluttering will be big on your to-do list. But why is decluttering so difficult? Timothy Pychyl, a psychologist at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada, who has studied procrastination for 27 years, says: “It’s not about time management. It’s about avoiding negative emotion. Putting off the task allows us to put off the emotions.”

What appears on the surface to be just an item on the to-do list is really a landmine of complex feelings, such as frustration, anxiety and fear. You know that whatever you do, you’re going to lose something precious.

So although it would great to have a garage that actually has room for a car, the benefit is often not enough to offset the fear of making the wrong decisions, of losing the connection to loved ones who now live only in memory.

Other factors will sabotage good intentions, too, such as perfectionism and a dissonance between words and actions, Pychyl says. You may say you would like a Zen-like home, but it’s just not that important to you. You realise you are not the person you think you should be.

“We started with the simple stuff – that it’s not about time, but emotion regulation – and suddenly we’re into deep parts of our psyche. Is it any wonder the whole body screams: ‘I don’t want to. I don’t feel like it.’ Those are the lyrics of the procrastinator’s song.”

Bonnie Miller Rubin says everyone has their own purging strategies.

“One friend holds to a hardand-fast rule: If you haven’t looked at it in 20 years, get rid of it. But to me, the opposite is true; the older the mementos, the more precious they become.

“I still have my dried wedding bouquet that I carried down the aisle 46 years ago. Would it be so terrible to hang on to it as my world gets smaller?”

Marie Kondo herself – the Japanese queen of minimalism and decluttering – says there is a strong connection between physical items, past experiences and future goals.

In her new series Sparking Joy, on Netflix, she helps people sort out not only their junk, but also their emotions.

This is something extremecleaning specialist and professional downsizer Matt Paxtor says he learnt when, at the age of 25, he cleared out the homes of four relatives who died within months of each another.

The painful experience was life-changing and led to his current career. He now appears on two TV series about decluttering. Things do need to go but Paxton’s experience made him realise that hidden in those old filing cabinets and dusty shoe boxes are memories that need to be acknowledged and preserved.

Marie Kondo, second from left, works with Jimmy, second from right, and Logan, right, a father and son (the show doesn’t share the subjects’ surnames) who own an organic plant and garden design business, in the first episode of her new show, Sparking Joy. PICTURE: ADAM ROSE/NETFLIX

“When we clean out, we relive lives,” says Paxton. A veteran of A&E’s Hoarders, Paxton, 45, uses his own show, Legacy List With Matt Paxton, to help a diverse group of families uncover the history of their most important items and figure out what to do with them.

How do you figure out your legacy list? He says, ask yourself this: if your house was burning down, what are the four or five most important things that you would want to take with you? The answers Paxton has heard have included a whaling harpoon, a POW bracelet from the Vietnam War era and a secret family recipe for a white sauce. Paxton admits it can be challenging to decide whether to keep, sell or toss items, or to find a family member or organisation that might want them.

He is constantly asked how to start the decluttering process.

HERE IS HIS ADVICE:

1. “Pick a time every night to clean for 10 minutes,” he says.

“Pull one box down and clean it with someone in your family, if you can. Tell the stories of what you find.”

He suggests voice-recording memories as you go. Store them in a digital file.

2. Don’t try to do this over a holiday or weekend.

“If it took 50 years to fill a house, how are you going to clean it out over a weekend?”

3. Look for treasures in desks, junk drawers, frames and freezers, as well as taped to toilet lids.

Knock on rows of books; if a volume sounds hollow, it might be a fake book with a hidden compartment. (He once found a gold bar in a hollowed-out book.) “Grab books by the spine and shake to see if anything falls out,” Paxton says. He recently had a reckoning with his own stuff. He moved out of his home and got rid of 75% of his belongings.

“I went through boxes in my attic. I relived my grandfather’s death, my dad’s death. I went through stuff from college and old girlfriends. It was interesting to practise what I preach. Every box was a moment in time.”

He stopped every 10 minutes to take photos and notes, because he’s working on a book. (Tentative title: Keep the Memories, Lose the Stuff.)

His own legacy list includes his mom’s handwritten recipe book, a Beastie Boys painting done by a fan, his dad’s gold Tiffany ring and his greatgrandmother’s wedding licence showing she was married at 14.

Removing so many boxes of stuff made him feel freer.

“I believe we are coming out of the pandemic with something good,” he says. “Caring more about people and families, and less about stuff.” – Washington Post

Matt Paxton going through items of clothing for a client on his TV show. PICTURE: COURTESY OF MATT PAXTON