Handling the logistics of weekend visits

BY BONNY FOURIE bronwyn.fourie@inl.co.za

While many homes might have space for each child to have their own rooms, what happens if they don’t?

‘‘MY STEPSON visits every second weekend. Why does he need his own bedroom?”

Living between two homes is a growing reality for many children as more couples split up and co-parent.

And while the new arrangements might work to a certain extent, it is also a fact that children spend more time with one parent than the other, typically visiting the second parent every second weekend. This translates into four visiting days a month.

How do parents in this situation handle the logistics in terms of bedroom accommodation for visiting children?

While many homes might have the space for each child to have their own bedroom at “mom or dad’s house”, what happens when they do not?

More importantly, what happens if their parent has remarried and their step siblings who live in the home have their own bedrooms?

This can be a controversial issue to navigate as many blended families do not live in properties that can accommodate all the children, including those who are there for only two weekends a month.

However, one does need to understand the impact not having their own space can have on a child when visiting their parents over the four days.

Mark de la Rey, a clinical psychologist practising at Akeso Kenilworth, says children can be affected differently by such situations, depending on several factors.

Younger children, for example, might not mind not having their own bedroom as they tend not to recognise the need for their own space for shorter periods.

“It could be framed as being an adventure to go over to mom or dad for a sleepover, and sleeping on a mattress on the living room floor or in the bedroom.” For older children, aged from about 10, this might become more problematic as they are “more sophisticated in their concept of privacy, and thus would want their own space or room”.

The impact of being without their own space, however, would be difficult to measure in realtime, De la Rey says, as a child’s response to being with that parent might also be dependent on their relationship.

“If it is a healthy, secure relationship, it would have less impact. If not, this could become problematic and they may refuse to go there after some time. “Short term, it may be manageable but, as time passes and they get older, the more relevant it may become to their experience.”

The situation could become more difficult when stepparents and step siblings are involved though. After all, not only does the child have to deal with their mother or father spending more time with “their new children” than them, but those children have their own bedrooms and the biological child does not.

This, he says, would be a more complicated scenario and “almost inevitably” lead to problems.

“The child is always going to feel that they are entering that home at a disadvantage if they do not have a space there.

“Even when kids have their own dedicated space, there is often a natural tendency for them to compare what they have in relation to the other kids in the house. This even occurs among biological siblings, so it would almost inevitably lead to complications in the relationship between parent and stepparent and siblings.”

De le Rey says that in such a situation, the biological child is “always going to feel like they are not a part of this new family unit”.

“They may even feel like they are simply a visitor.”

Stepparents can sometimes make the situation worse.

In many cases, while parents want their biological children to feel at home with them and their new family, and might feel that their children deserve their own bedrooms, the new partner, or stepparent, does not feel it is necessary for the children to have their own rooms as they are in the home for only four days a month.

Unfortunately, De le Rey says, new partners can often feel threatened by the child’s presence.

“This is often only a perceived threat but, in some cases, the child may behave in a hostile or offish manner to the new partner or spouse because of the hurt and insecurities they feel following their family break-up.

“This, in turn, may play out in the child’s relationship with their parent and spill out into that parent’s relationship with their new partner.”

The best advice he can give parents and stepparents is to create a room for the child, if they have the space to do so.

“If not, have a discussion with them about it and explain that this would be your preferred outcome, but it is just not possible under the current circumstances.”

SHARING BEDROOMS WITH STEP SIBLINGS

If the child were to share a room with a step sibling of appropriate age, De le Rey says it would then be beneficial to encourage them to bring some small personal items that they could leave there. “It would also help to buy them their own individual duvet cover, pillow slip, and small items that give them some sense of place and ownership.

“If it is a space where there is only a bed, do the same, and provide them with clear directions about matters such as where they can change in privacy and so on.”

To split bedrooms and create an extra space, Will Design interior designer Will Engelbrecht, says families can make a stackable divider with twin beds so that when two children occupy the bedroom, the stack can be closed.

Another option is for younger children to share bedrooms, or older children, when visiting, to have their own space in another sibling’s bedroom by using a curtain as a divider.

SHARING A HOME WITH STEPFAMILY

Stepping into a new home with a new family can be daunting for children, so it is important for parents and stepparents to make that home a space where all children feel safe and comfortable.

One of the most important tools we have, De le Rey says, is communication.

“Sometimes communication with a child is simply a matter of showing interest, listening and making them feel that they are special in that way, giving them some of your time.

“And when planning for those visits, ask them what they would like to do. As far as possible, involve them in even some of the mundane aspects of being part of the family.”

LIVING between two homes is a growing reality for many children. PICTURE: COTTONBRO/PEXELS