Freshman year “tips” (humor)

Inklings humor/satire

Toby’s high school survival guide: 5 tips for freshman year

Toby Goldfarb ’23 Web Managing Editor (she/her) 1Freshman aquatics is the most meaningful schedule on your transcript. Go the extra mile, swim as fast as possible and embrace the wet hair. 2Congregating in the middle of the hallway—or better yet, stairways—is the perfect method of catching up with your friends after an exciting summer. Other students and faculty members DEFINITELY do not nd this annoying, and bonus points if you’re late to class. 3Get a sandwich at lunch AT ALL COSTS. Even if getting to the front of the line takes about 75% of the allotted time, it’s completely worth it for a turkey, mozzarella and pesto sandwich on ciabatta. Bonus point if you can eat your sandwich in the last ve minutes of your lab lunch.4Make sure to memorize your locker code. ey are essential to daily student life, and it is highly embarrassing to refer to your phone when visiting your locker for the fth time in one day. Bonus points if you memorize your locker combination.5Get to school extra early. Use this time to complete your assignments for the next seven days. Cool kids never sleep in during their morning free period. Welcome fresh meat—err, freshmen! Let’s face it—the rst day of high school can be pretty daunting: new teachers, more homework and scary upperclassmen boys with facial hair. Lucky for you, as a senior almost done with her four year sentence—I mean high school—I am offering you my ve best tips to survive the school year. Photo by Ella Shi ’23

As to not diminish my credibility, I regress. You should de nitely NOT take this advice. Best of luck to the class of 2026—looking forward to seeing you all do double takes while looking for your room numbers (just kidding). Artichoke graphic by Lily Klau ’23