Matchmaker, Matchmaker make me a Match…

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Matchmaker, Matchmaker make me a Match…

By Angela Carontino

L'amour…Amor…� …ความรัก...Grá…Amore…Love…

The most beautiful of words and feelings. The need to love and be loved in return is as old as time. The hunt can sometimes feel complicated, elusive, hopeless and simultaneously wholly worth the effort. Matchmaker, please enter stage left! Through the ages, and contemporarily via online dating tools, people have used the services of matchmakers to find love and marriage.

Historically meeting your match, marrying and having children was less a matter of choice and more a necessity. It helped families continue their lineage, family businesses as well as kept land and homes in the family. It could increase a family's wealth and possibly their status in society as well if a desirable match was made. Matchmaking was very important in all cultures as matchmaking and arranged marriages went handin-hand.

Miai (matchmaking) was developed

by the Samurai in the 16th century to strengthen bonds between warlords and the warrior class. Arranged marriages would encourage loyalty and support if needed. A matchmaker, or nakōdo, acted as an intermediary between the man and woman's families, making introductions and assisting with contract negotiations.

Miai would be initiated by the parents of a young man or woman one they are of marriageable age. The children would have little to do with the process and may not even know it is going on! The Nakōdo would meet with the potentials family and would have pictures of the eligible

Photo by D. Zolotarevs

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young men or women and a brief history of each, which would include their age, lineage, education, occupation, health, social status, as well as the same information for all their relatives. The list of candidates would be narrowed to the parents short list of desirable suitors, and the nakōdo would do in-depth research of the families top choice to make sure they were of equal social status as well as having excellent health, free of significant disease. Once fully vetted and a meeting between the parents and candidates occurred the young couple would go on a series of dates. After the third date, they were expected to refuse marriage or accept a proposal.

Miai is alive and well in Japan, and marriage brokers are often employed to help find a suitable partner in life for hopeful individuals. Parents typically enlist the help of a matchmaking firm where prospects flip through something of a "look book" to find potentials mates. It is fair to say the Japanese take the business of finding a mate seriously!

The Christian Kievan ‘Rus of modern-day Russia had defined stages of the matrimony process by the 16th century. The courtship took time. Matchmaking was the first step in an elaborate marriage ceremony, and their role was mainly transactional. The matchmaker would visit the potential bride's parent on multiple occasions, each time bringing gifts from the young man's family such as bread, sweets, pies, wine, and beer. The matchmaker would propose marriage on behalf of the bridegroom's family and tradition called for the bride's father to refuse the first time. If the details of the bride's dowry were agreed upon and the proposal accepted the bride's family accepted a loaf of bread brought by the matchmaker and cut it. If the proposal was denied, the loaf was returned intact to the young man's family. Typically, the young man and woman never met and were told by their parents of their choice.

Irish matchmaking history is vast and legendary. It is also alive and well in one town that holds a festival in its honor! Matchmaking came from a necessity for men on farms to find a mate later in life. Typically farms were inherited after a parents death, so many of these men were not young and not able to provide for a wife until they had their own farm. Also, the concentration of females was in cities while men worked in the country and farm work left little opportunities for the sexes to mingle.

In Ireland, matchmakers were mainly male, and their unique qualifications were that they had "an eye" for finding matches and were familiar with all of the local families and customs. With this knowledge, they would choose suitable matches for a young man or woman and begin negotiations with the parents if any were involved regarding the details, including

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“Nordic Summer Evening” 1899-1900 by Richard Bergh, oil on canvas. Gothenburgh Museum of Art

dowry and their matchmaking fee. They would then plan the wedding festival and charge for this service as well. It was not uncommon for their age difference to be great.

The Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival occurs each year after the harvest in September. It features many opportunities for young and old alike to meet a match, whether it is speed dating, over a pint at the local matchmakers' pub, or dancing the night away. A local matchmaker, who also owns the pub in town, organizes it. Very enterprising of him! The festival is 6 weeks long, so the opportunities to find love are available for those who seek them.

The Hebrew word for a professional matchmaker is a Shadchan, who would charge a fee for his services. Today not all people employ a Shadchan to find a match though, many may rely on recommendations from friends and family. When looking for a suitable match things considered are "his/her character, intelligence, level of learning, financial status, family and health status, appearance and level of religious observance." (Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, Shidduch, last visited Jan. 15, 2019).

The next step would be for the couple to go on a few dates and decide if they are compatible for each other. In a stricter Jewish community, they go to a bashow, which is essentially a chaperoned date at one or the others home. The parents would attend and get to know each other and then leave the couple alone to talk and ask each other questions. A few bashows may occur before the couple decides if they are each other’s bashert (destiny!).

With the prevalence of online dating websites, it is a comfort to see that the journey to find love has always been complicated and people often turn to professionals for help. Matchmaking has also made its way to network TV following the love adventures of Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker and the UK’s Lara Asprey on The Ultimate Matchmaker. Watching people’s search for love can be comedic, sad, relatable and simultaneously heartwarming.

Through the ages it has been proven again and again, yet said best by the Beatles. “All you need is love, love, love is all you need.” Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, may love in all its many forms be yours

Facing Page top: Central Museum in Utrecht, “The Matchmaker” 1625 by Gerard von Honthorst, oil. Lower right: A painting of Nu Gua (or Nuwa) and Fu Xi unearthed in Xinjiang, China. The goddess and god were brother and sister in some myths and husband and wife in others, but always the creators of humanity. Lower Left: Oriental Medicine Journal, New Year/Year of the Snake 2013, Nü Gua Chinese Snake Goddess, in Chinese mythology, the patroness of matchmakers.

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Superstitious Love…

In Ireland brides wear wedding bells on their gown because they are thought to ward off evil spirits.

In Russia you only want to give your beloved an odd number of blooms. Oh and yellow roses symbolize infidelity so better stick to red!

In Armenia eating a salty piece of bread before bed will help a woman dream about her future husband.

In Egypt it is good luck to pinch the bride on her wedding day.

In Italy and in Mexico if your feet are swept with a broom you will be single forever.

In China it is bad luck to wear pearls to your wedding and pregnant women are not attend weddings. It is a clash of good luck!