The Lighter Side

TOP 10

Celebrity Cannabis Lines WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN 2022

By David Wallach

Illustrations by Adam Seidman and Shane Brisson

Cannabis and celebrity go hand in hand, like Lauren Boebert and typos on Twitter.

This year has already seen the cannabis industry grow with celebrities like Santana, Melissa Ethridge, and Seth Rogan all “officially” entering the space, because you know it’s not cool until the star of Sausage Party is doing it.

While it’s a little on the nose that Mike Tyson and Tommy Chong are now in the game, we love that cannabis and celebrities are working together to further support the industry. (As a side note, we are shutting down the magazine if Mitch McConnell ever gets in the game. It will officially be too much. Though, if you think about it … he’s one guy who could use a little indica and chill time.)

Anyway, what follows are the celebrities that we would like to enter the cannabis industry and the possible products they could sell.

Stafford’s Sativa — Inspirational and uplifting, Stafford’s Sativa took a long time to get off the ground, but once they relocated the grow to a new warmer locale, it’s our MVP pick of the year. As a romantic supplement it’s almost guaranteed to make you score every time you use it.

Stranger Things — An entertaining hybrid blend of quirky little flowers. Stranger Things has been known to turn your brain upside down and give you nostalgic feelings from easier days of a time gone by. Matthew McConaweed — A poetic mix of both indica and sativa. It’s weed, but like, more. It’s an adventure, a special trip that may or may not be … McConaweed will free you of your inhibitions and leave you feeling “Alright, alright, alright.”

Smith’s Shatter — Be careful because this packs a punch. So strong it has been known to knock people on their asses without any warning. What was once a unique and beautiful bud has become an over-processed, overbearing strain that in too large of a dose can make you feel like you are entitled to do anything at any time. Great for alopecia, does nothing for your sense of humor. Queen Elizabeth Cookies — An old recipe from England, these edibles will give you a royal highness that will make you want to wear silly hats, crave Monty Python, and watch futbol. Experts say these won’t be around for much longer so enjoy them while you can.

Our special International Section features two very different vapes that come from the same part of the world.

Vladimir’s Vape — Known as Сумасшедший медведь in Russia or the Crazy Bear. This weed has a tendency to grow in places where it’s wanted the least, infiltrating beautiful gardens and strangling the life out of the rest of the plants. Vladimir’s Vape has been known to cause extreme paranoia and delusions of grandeur. There have been reports of people doing all kinds of crazy things after one hit like hugging polar bears and riding horses shirtless. This is not a vape for the masses. Volodymyr’s Vape — Known as Фенікс or The Phoenix. This one-of-a-kind flower rises from the ashes in certain parts of Ukraine and grows stronger as it grows older. It’s the kind of smoke that people will write about for years to come. A strong little strain, it will make you feel like you can and will overcome anything that’s thrown at you. Not to be overshadowed by the other big overbearing brands trying to dominate the marketplace, Volodymyr’s Vape is the smoke of the year. Biden’s Bud — The cost of this bud has become over inflated in the last year. Best taken in small doses. An old school weed, lots of people have lost their taste for this special strain, but when it’s all you’ve got to offer up, it does the trick.

Gold Medal Gu — An award-winning strain, grown in the United States but sold only in China. This is a strong sativa and just a single hit will help boost your focus so you can handle any task that’s ahead of you. It will give you a high-flying feeling that is aspirational and at times a little too much to handle. Gold Medal Gu usually hits its peak once every four years.

Davidson’s Dab — Nobody can quite understand why people flock to this odd hybrid. A colorful little blend of the most unusual plants, Davidson’s Dab is the favorite of Instagram models and social media influencers. Davidson’s Dab is the Little Engine That Could of the cannabis industry. Unlike the other polished, packaged, attractive brands, what makes Davidson’s Dab so alluring to consumers is its relatable flaws and honest finish. Davidson’s Dab has been known to make people laugh uncontrollably.

Crypto

By Mark Masters

Crypto and cannabis have a lot in common, including rapid growth and interesting etymology. Etymology is the study of words. Cannabis is a can-do word. Look at it, right there in the beginning, “can.”

Cryptocurrency can’t do a lot of things, including make sense to me. Many think the word is derived from the French “cryptographie” meaning, “the art of writing in secret characters.” But any crypto-bro who has seen their favorite coin drop 90% knows different. When they see that coin drop another 90%, they are quick to notice the beginning of cryptocurrency is “cry.”

Silk Road was a famous website where you could buy cannabis with crypto. You didn’t even have to know they were both made of hash. Cannabis has hash oil. Crypto has hash functions that power Merkle trees — digital shrubbery that keeps the internet secure.

Merkle trees make Bitcoin and the blockchain possible. The first time I heard about Merkle trees I misheard it as “Merkin trees.” I am haunted by that visual to this day. If you don’t know what a merkin is, be careful searching for it on the internet.

A nine page white paper launched Bitcoin in 2008. After all this time nothing has dethroned it. Maybe that will change if cancel culture discovers it all started with a “white” paper.

Bitcoin creator Satoshi Nakamoto is pseudonymous, which means nobody knows who he is. That must be why Highs early Bitcoin adopters flocked to the technology. It reminded them of high school, a time and place where nobody knew who they were. Many of these early adopters have achieved generational wealth. If only they had prospects for creating a next generation. Step one for many of them: move out of mom’s basement. Bitcoin is famous for crashing, even more than Pete Holmes is famous for Crashing. Bitcoin crashing is funny because every time it crashes the price is higher than the last time it “crashed.” The next time you doom scroll through its demise check to see if the price has an extra digit. Bitcoin has crashed to $1,000 dollars and to $20,000. Someday soon you may see a headline that Bitcoin has crashed to $500,000. Thanks, inflation. There is no need to reverse engineer Bitcoin. It is open source, which sounds like a description of an active STD. I thought reverse engineering was what I did in high school physics. I would go to class and afterward I was somehow less smart about science. I was prodigious at reverse engineering. Cryptocurrency and cannabis have had a heck of a run. Both have grown like crazy and regulation has legitimized them. Grandma can get pre-rolls at the corner store. Your second cousin can spend his allowance on a cartoon JPEG of a cat. We’re all excited to spend our altcoins on the next hot pixelated NFT, just don’t ask me to explain how they work. ❖

Photo: istockphoto.com/AHPhotoswpg