RELATIONSHIPS

WHEN YOU LIVE WITH YOUR ADULT CHILDREN

By Ava Summers

As the retired population ages, there is a growing trend for retired parents to move in with their adult children. The reasons for choosing this option are varied. They include the increasing inability of seniors to function adequately on their own, their inability to afford to live independently, and their need for close emotional support in their aging years. If advanced planning and good decisions are made, the experience can be positive for seniors and their families. If you have made the decision to move in, here are some tips to follow that can be helpful with the success of this living arrangement.

WAYS TO HELP MAKE THIS ARRANGEMENT A SUCCESS

Before you actually move in with your adult children, have an honest conversation to discuss and agree about finances, rules, privileges and the area in the home that will be your private quarters.

Once you are established in the household, allow plenty of time for your adult children and grandchildren to be a family. Wait for an invitation to join in on family activities, or ask politely if you can be included. It's important for immediate family members to continue to function as a unit. Come to an agreement about what meals and activities might be shared all together.

Realize that your family is likely busy whether they are a couple or have children. Work on developing a symbiotic relationship with your family. Offer to help with meals or chores. In turn, your family may help you with transportation and technical issues with phones and computers.

Refrain from imposing your child-rearing views on your adult children. Resist your urge to discipline your grandchildren unless requested to do so. Show consideration and respect–remember you are not their parents. Of course, when you are put in charge and must discipline, be aware of the parent's philosophy and practices regarding discipline and follow through. Discuss with your adult children how you should handle a grandchild's disrespect toward you.

Show respect for decisions made about space, privacy, privileges and boundaries. Keep your own things in your designated area. Rearranging your adult children's things according to your standards is usually not well accepted.

Make sure you and your adult children are clear on how financial responsibilities are designated and how and when they are paid.

Take advantage of the opportunity you have to enjoy a close relationship with your grandchildren. Bond with them by playing games, teaching them the skills you have, and sharing family memories and stories.

Express appreciation to your adult children for sharing their home and giving their support to you. Offer to take the family out to dinner or to a movie occasionally.

Find interests that will keep you occupied and engaged. If you are able to get out, join a meet-up group, do volunteer work, take a class, or join a book club. If you stay at home, take up a new hobby or do volunteer work from home. Sharing a home with your adult children can be a very positive experience for all. Just as in any relationship, things don't always go smoothly. Remember love between you and your adult children may be there, but dealing with personality conflicts can take good communication and compromise. By following these tips for harmonious living with your adult children, living together can lead to a beneficial and positive outcome.