Living Lifestyles Magazine by inspireprmedia

ISSUE 4 - APRIL 2019

featuring

House of Belluso

32 18 06

04 06 08 10 11

Are You Hungry, Mate?

12 14 16

The Gift of Touch

Dunkun Croker

An Intersection of Yoga and Summer John West

Debt Adriana Popescu, Ph.D.

Regrowth and Regeneration Interview with Caroline Crawford

Change in Season: How to Change With It Zarusthra Harricharan

Interview Michelle Follis

How Do You Shop for Your Future? Manjit Khalsa

Rice Sparrows & Random Awareness The Lie Of Perfection Delany Delany

House of Belluso: The Power of a Question

24 26

Boys Will Be Boys

Interview with Andrea and Amanda Belluso

Frank Fradella

Minya Earth Skincare: Natural Skincare Products for Everyone Interview with Deborah Riddle

Not Bad Enough to Leave, Not Good Enough to Stay Interview with Viv Adcock

impressum FOUNDER OF LIVING LIFESTYLES MAGAZINES

elcome to the Change edition of Living lifestyles magazine. In this issue we are looking at stories from people who are creating change in the world by being different in some way. Most of these people seem to be able to see the possibility of a different future in some

area of their life or the world and just quietly work towards realising it. For some, they know that a change is possible and they work towards creating it, even if they don’t know exactly what it will look like. Some of the others don’t even realise that they are doing anything different. They just put one foot in front of another and handle whatever comes up in their own way. Then after a period of time, they start to notice that they are not doing things the same way as everybody else. At some stage they get to see that their difference is truly a strength in their own life and an inspiration to other people. Here’s to all of the people in this world who are willing to be different and create a change. To the ones with the different point of view that they are willing to express, the ones who know what it is they would like to change and the ones who are just being different and creating change that they may not even be able to see. I hope you enjoy their stories.

J o h n Dav i s

Sarah Andrew DESIGNER

PHOTOGRAPHY Sarah Andrew COPYRIGHT & DISCLAIMER

The information on this magazine is for information purposes only Living Lifestyles Magazine . assumes no liability or responsibility for any inaccurate, delayed or incomplete information, nor for any actions taken in reliance thereon. The information contained about each individual, event or organisation has been provided by such individual, event organisers or organisation without verification by us.

The opinion expressed in each article is the opinion of its author and does not necessarily reflect the opinion Living Lifestyles Magazine. Therefore, Living Lifestyles Magazine. Carries no responsibility for the opinion expressed thereon. Any form of reproduction of any content on this magazine without the written permission of the publisher is strictly prohibited. GET IN TOUCH www.livinglifestyles.com

Are You Hungry, Mate? If you’re a restauranteur, café owner, or just someone who likes food, listen up – Ksenia Koval and her Delicious Digital Agency, HUNGRYMATE Productions, are making waves across Australia. Written by Duncan Croker

he Ukrainian-born practitioner has been living in Australia for three years, and is based in Melbourne, where she and her dedicated team have reached out to over 500 businesses and helped them boost both their brand image and their sales. What exactly HUNGRYMATE do? Ksenia explains it to me. In a nutshell, they find (or are found by) restaurants, cafes or food brands who are looking to give themselves that extra edge. Often, public relations firms are all-service, meaning that they’ll take on any project, from anywhere. Ksenia and her team bring a point of difference by specialising in the hospitality industry, and they’ve honed their skills to perfectly represent every species of eatery. They’ve been active for just over two years, having helped clients from Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney and Adelaide. Much of their work involves bringing restaurants and cafés into the world of social media with really Delicious photo & video content – Ksenia tells me how many businesses don’t have online menus or active, exciting social media, which means customers are less likely to come and visit them. No matter how good your food, no matter how pleasant your ambience, if potential customers can’t find you

on Instagram, it’s all going to go to waste. “We want to help these businesses as small family cafes or big restaurants,” Ksenia says. “We know exactly how to present them online with the most attractive photo and video content. And our main points are affordable price and high quality service”. I also ask her about our January/February theme of summer, particularly since so many of HUNGRYMATE’s promotional photos have a delightfully sunny feel. She laughs, telling me how different Australia’s scorching Christmases are a far cry from the freezing Silly Seasons she’s experienced in Europe. She loves the idea of celebrating Christmas on a beach with seafood; for her own holiday, she’s planning to catch up with family and relax across a few weeks before diving back into HUNGRYMATE. And 2019 is going to be a big year for the company. If I had to encapsulate her goals in one word, it would be ‘expansion’. Ksenia is planning more of everything – more employees, more locations, more clients. So if you’re a food-based business, contact HUNGRYMATE. You’ll get access to a dedicated, experienced company who’ll turn your business from a delicious eatery into a delicious, well-known eatery.

Visit HungryMate at: https://www.hungrymate.com.au/ And follow their HUNGRY Instagram @hungrymate_au

Written by: John West

h, summer. A great time on the yogic calendar. A time where my working uniform comprises nothing more than a pair of shorts and a T-shirt or singlet. Where the studios or halls that I visit can be temperature-controlled simply by opening doors and windows. In some venues, you might be lucky enough to feel the wisp of a cross-breeze caressing the skin as you move. There is nothing better than a Savasana (relaxation) at the end of the class where that breeze drifts across your relaxed body, making you feel lucky to be alive. In some of the beautiful venues I visit, I talk about how fortunate we are. We are in a place where we can lie down after our yoga practice, and close our eyes in peace, quiet and complete safety, where there is no sound of gunfire, helicopters, planes or bombs. Maybe this story should be about gratitude as well as summer. The other thing I really enjoy about summer is the increased amount of daylight, combined with the temperate conditions where it is a pleasure to get up early and practice my yoga. It is a view held by many that the ideal way to conduct a personal practice is to rise early, carry out your physical practice and follow this with Pranayama (breath work) and, finally, meditation. The rationale behind this is that the physical moves prepare and warm the body to optimise the Pranayama practice. The calming effect of the Pranayama prepares you for the meditation practice.

and Summer

An Intersection of

The technique described above certainly invigorates you for the day ahead, as we go about our busy lives, making our way in the world. Another aspect of summer is the advent of the New Year. Oddly enough, I find that class attendance decreases from mid-November right up until Christmas. I put this down to the many functions and parties people attend as part of the celebration of summer and Christmas. For exactly this reason, I now end my classes in mid-December. I use the break to rest my body and mind, and I formulate a ‘blue sky’ plan for the coming year – how I think I would like the year to look. The class calendar resumes around the middle of January, after the fervour of Christmas has subsided and the reality of the New Year sets in. People often make resolutions for the New Year, particularly if the lead-up has involved an excess of food or drink. While I don’t attest to living the perfect lifestyle, I do subscribe to the moderation theory. From this point of view, summer does not change things that much for me.

This brings me to my final point. While summer is a time I truly appreciate, my yoga practice keeps rolling throughout the year, regardless of the weather conditions. It is consistency of practice that is the key to success in yoga, as well as the challenges of life.

Happy summer, to each and every one of you.

DEBT

Written by: Adriana Popescu, Ph.D.

This month we will be exploring the effect that financial debt has on peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s minds and bodies.

any people these days carry debt in the form of credit cards, student loans, mortgages, car payments, medical bills and more. Research has shown that higher levels of debt are significant predictors of stress and negative health consequences. Physically, this stress can lead to an increase the risk of heart disease, stroke, digestive problems, ulcers, headaches and migraines, sexual dysfunction, unhealthy weight gain or loss, skin problems, sleep issues, increased pain, and a worsening of chronic diseases like diabetes. With regard to mental health, debt-related stress may lead to increase in depression, anxiety, psychosis, suicidal thoughts and behaviors, problem drinking/drug use and addiction. One study reported that people carrying debt were three times more likely to have mental disorders than the debt-free population.

So if you identify with this issue, what can you do to change your debt situation? Here are some suggestions:

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Get your head out of the sand if you’ve been avoiding and denying, gather all your bills and write out how much you owe. Figure out how much more income per month you would have to bring in to pay off your debt in one year (ifunder $10,000) or 2 years (if over that amount). Then ASK for that amount to show up. Ask yourself, “What would I have to be or do that’s different that would allow that money to show up?” Ask and you shall receive really does work, but most people are ’re asking for, functioning instead from subconscious beliefs that they picked up at an early age. Which brings us to the next tool:

IDENTIFY, CHALLENGE, AND CHANGE YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS ABOUT YOURSELF AND MONEY. For example, if you carry a core belief that you’re not enough, or you don’t deserve to have good things, then you will end up creating situations that match that belief; in other words, your point of view creates your reality. You can use powerful tools like CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy), EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques – tapping), BSFF (Be Set Free Fast), NET (Neuroemotional Technique) and more to shift the negative energies that create those limiting thoughts and feelings at the root level, allowing you to move into a more positive mindset of abundance.

DO WHAT BRINGS YOU JOY.

It’s important to engage in activities that support your self-care and reduce stress. Money follows joy, not misery, and feeling good will give you strength to face the challenges that having debt can bring.

There is hope for dealing with and successfully getting out of debt. You are not alone, and there are a wealth of resources out there to support and assist you. Here are a few: https://www.moneycrashers.com/financial-anxiety-stressed-about-money/ https://debtorsanonymous.org/ And a brilliant book I highly recommend: Getting Out of Debt Joyfully, by Simone Milasas. What are the infinite possibilities for freeing yourself from debt with ease? References: https://www.foxnews.com/health/how-financial-stress-can-harm-your-health https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1468-0297.2012.02519.x https://academic.oup.com/eurpub/article/23/1/108/464719 https://phys.org/news/2013-07-reveals-early-financial-arguments-predictor.html You can find out more about Dr. Popescu at www.adrianapopescu.org.

Regrowth and Regeneration AN INTERVIEW WITH CAROLINE CRAWFORD

aroline Crawford is, among other things, an Aust Care team leader. She’s part of an organisation who are essentially dedicated to helping conserve and regenerate the Australian landscape. Obviously, it’s a daunting task, and one that requires total commitment, so I ask Caroline about what made her so passionate about the land. She tells me she was raised in the country, on a station near Clare Valley, South Australia; as one might expect, it was a deeply formative experience, inspiring the full-blooded connection she feels with the environment. As so many of us do, she eventually entered the business world, completing a commerce degree, and working in finance for a number of years. After a while, she felt it was time for a change, so she volunteered with a conservation group, and spent a couple of weekends weeding and caring for local nature areas. It was at this point she experienced an epiphany – this was something she could see herself doing every day, with or without pay. Caroline decided to re-enter tertiary education in order to study conservation and land management, which led her to an environmental science degree. Post-graduation, she worked as an environmental officer for six years, which she describes as “a bit brown”; it mostly involved work in logistics, waste management and quarrying. This led to her to hunt out a ‘greener’ job opportunity, which the universe quickly provided. She got offered a role at Aust Care as an environmental work supervisor, where she now leads a team of six dedicated individuals, who mostly focus on environmental restoration and rehabilitation in the Brisbane area. Whether it’s work in parks and gardens, or helping revive a native habitat, Caroline and Aust Care are there to help. They help with back-burning and fire management, the creation of mountain bike tracks, revegetation planting, and the ongoing maintenance of any of those projects. Caroline tells us that their busiest time is definitely summer. Often, they have to put on extra crew members to help cope with the increased demand. Australia’s hot, sunny and often wet summers are the perfect breeding ground for vegetation of all kinds. Even as the natives start to thrive, so too do

the weeds; Aust Care are there to help the former and get rid of the latter, even though it’s brutally hot work. Caroline’s favourite natural areas? Eagleby Wetlands is definitely close to the top of her list. Located along the Albert River, it’s perfect for birdwatchers, as well as having beautifully-shaded areas that are ideal for a summer hike. Alexander Clarke Park and Underwood Park are two more of her favourites, sporting a range of facilities, including playing fields, amenities, dog parks, meditation circles, mountain biking tracks and playgrounds for the kids. She cites her favourite summer experience as the few months she spent in Kununurra, Western Australia. Her memories are of the summer rains, the lightning-threaded thunderstorms, the waterholes and the waterfalls, the wildlife. The remoteness of the region meant she could see the ecology of the region in glorious detail, which further inspired her love of the land. So next time you visit a park, or walk under a beautiful tree, or gaze out across a pristine expanse of bushland, say a quiet thank-you to Caroline, Aust Care and similar organisations. They’re the ones who help preserve our land. They’re the ones who help keep our country alive. Written by Duncan Croker

Change in Season

How to change with it.

WRITTEN BY ZARUSTHRA HARRICHARAN

change in season brings with it a change in weather. For some people it is a never ending battle having to deal with the changes that go on.

and getting upset, how about you ask a few questions like … • How does it get any better than this?

This “battle” baffles me as seasons and weather are not anything that any of us can control. The weather is an interesting topic and one that is highly popular to discuss amongst so many people and usually not in a positive or productive way.

• What other choices do I have here that I am not willing to be aware of?

A discussion of weather usually brings with it blame, judgment and upset which create an energy of fight when the weather does not do what we want. What is it about the weather that gets people’s knickers in a knot?

• What else is possible?

Rather than fight something that you are NEVER going to win against choose to go over, under and around it and work with it instead. It’s not going to change however you can choose to change to create more ease and possibility for you. The seasons and weather are going to constantly change with no point of view, are you willing to change with them?

Let me let you in on a secret ... it’s not about the weather … it’s about control ... where you want to have it and can’t have it. Who would have thought? Would you be willing to give up trying to control the weather? I have found using a tool called question opens up the door to choice, awareness and possibilities far greater than fight. There is no answer when it comes to the weather, just an awareness of a different possibility to create more ease. When the weather is not what you would like it to be, rather than judge it, blame it for ruining things

spoke with my 93 year old Aunt about a month ago. She was moved into one of those places you go before you die. Now…she isn’t near death, but she did take a spill quite a few months ago. Before that she’d been living in the other area. You know, the one where she had her own one bedroom apartment with a kitchen and the works. But the fall she took shifted everything. When I spoke with her, plans had already been made to clean out the apartment. She isn’t going back. We had a candid conversation. One I am grateful for. What I wanted to know most was, “Are the people there to take care of you, kind?” She can’t get out of bed without help, which means she can’t do a lot of things on her own, yet she is still sharp as can be. Her response was, ‘Some of them are and some of them aren’t.’ My aunt has a small body similar to mine. Even smaller because she is shorter. Yet she is feisty, good for a chuckle, and aware as can be. The vulnerability that is now in her world got me thinking. Fast forward back in time to October 2018. Just a few months ago I attended a class in Costa Rica. It was a 7 Day intensive about discovering the gift of you. I’d been to several classes before. But this one was different. It was the first time I truly acknowledged the gift of touch. The power and the potency of one’s touch; of my touch. Of the mutual gifting and receiving that is beyond words and available to each of us. And gratitude as you look into another person’s eyes and say, “thank you.” There was body work happening throughout the 7 days, but not

only instructional body work. And perhaps that’s part of the story. It’s like, no matter what each of us has going on in life, when we choose to expand, to change something in the smallest of ways it isn’t always comfortable. Receiving touch from another was incredibly dynamic and allowed for space and ease in my whole body and being. There was a sense of joy I will never forget. On more than one occasion as I walked by someone, I put my hand on their back, to gently move through. As I did they turned and looked at me and asked for more. Asked to have what it was I was being. It was another acknowledgment of me. And of what is truly possible with the simplicity of touch. When I arrived home I couldn’t stop thinking about the gift touch can be. And how we not only have lost that as something to include in our lives, but how many of us tend to push it away. There is a level of vulnerability that is required to receive the touch of another. I think about Italy, and the men. The willingness to hug one

another, kiss each other on the cheek. It may not be an energetic, Pow! but there is something sweet about it. In some cultures, touch is much more a part of the daily routine. In others, like here in the US, it is not. I think about a dog on it’s leash - and the person that yanks, the soft touch of a hand on the top of a child’s head. And the nurturing that is so dynamically required, not just when we enter this life, but when we are at the end years of our life - however many that is. And if that is so…does that somehow mean the contributory energy of touch is not only required after we take our first breath but throughout all of the years of our life? After all, we have no idea how long we will be on this planet, in this body. What would it take to rediscover the gift of touch? What can we choose to BE each day - not just for others, but for ourselves? As I think about my Aunt I wonder if the person who is there to help her into the tub to bathe, sees her? The way we choose to be with one another changes universes.

How Do You Shop for Your Future?

anjit Khalsa sees clearly that we all have the possibility of creating our life the way that we desire to have it. If the world in front of us is an emporium of possibilities, how do we shop for our future? Manjit was born and bred in Yorkshire, England. Her parents had immigrated from India and she grew up in a Sikh community, where her life was about being a Sikh, seeking truth and authenticity of self, learning and trying different things. As an adult, she worked in education, teaching and learning in the UK, Thailand and Australia. Her work took her to prisons, hospitals, grade schools and low socioeconomic areas. In the last 10 years, she has moved from teaching to coaching, facilitating and inspiring possibilities. We asked Manjit to tell us something about how she sees shopping for your future and to give us five tips on how to start using this to create your life. “I didn’t realise that shopping for my future was my life. I remember one day I was having lunch with some friends, and we went out and test drove a sports car. I loved the colour of the paint, the interior, the drive, the whole experience of it. My friend said that it was amazing. I realised that it was a great example of shopping for my future. I explained that everything we touch, smell, taste, see and experience is shopping for our future. So getting new sensations is essentially creating your future. It’s about living a life that inspires you. What inspires you is different to what inspires me. So our shopping will be different. What inspires you isn’t always what society expects. For some people, homes and families are inspiring. For others, adventures, business or being the best version of yourself is inspiring. What inspires you?

“It’s a lifestyle, a way of living, and a way of being. If you woke up every morning and anything was possible, a range of infinite possibilities, what would you choose? You can design your life, you create your life by design rather than just letting it happen to you. Life happening is waking up on autopilot with the same thought patterns, same habits, same conversations. For me, everything i do is me creating my life, and if that inspires people, awesome. A question that I like to ask is ‘Who am I that I haven’t even met yet?’ It’s about possible futures, and the person you would like to become. For example, before you can be a well-known author, you need to embody the characteristics that allow you to do that like having good communication skills. So you need to shop for those personality traits, those energies. So to become that person you have to change yourself. “I shop very differently to most people. It’s ok to have targets and results, but for me, I shop energetically, I perceive things more than I try to plan, I’m a kinesthetic learner. For most people, when something grabs their attention, they will say things like ‘I really like the dress that woman was wearing’ (which is a conclusion by the way). Whereas for me, if there are things that grab my attention - a song, an article, an attractive person, good food, colours, shapes, holidays, I ask what grabbed me. It may be the energy of being relaxed, the energy of being immersed in colours. It’s not about the end result, it’s about what has been created for me, created a sense of beauty, possibility or magic. It could be the flow of life where everything is easy rather than everything

being problematic. So when you get those energies, it’s not the holiday I’m looking for, but the traits, the peace, relaxation, the isolation. If you look at it this way, you realise that you don’t desire the holiday but the traits, so you shop for those traits, and make choices to create those traits. Say yes to the things you’re shopping for, no to the things you’re not shopping for.

Tip # 2. Start to get clear on the energies of what you desire. I’m very perceptive – I just know what energies light me up and what don’t. So feel, let your body tell you, is it relaxed, thriving, healthy? Some choices give life, others don’t. Choose light energies. Laughter, for example, is life-giving. Sex is life-giving. It doesn’t have to be a glorified holiday to the Maldives.

“ Life is about having fun, joy, and experience. I squeeze a lot in life, and I shop all the time. These energies are contagious. If you’re willing to shop for your future, you’re not comparing yourself to others, you’re not getting entangled in other peoples’ dramas and history, and most leaders are moving forward. The past doesn’t define you unless you let it. The canvas is blank. If you were the Michelangelo of your life, what would you like to paint? You can create anything. Knowing that and believing that are the attributes of shopping for your future. There can be no doubt. You have to unfriend negative mean girl voices, doubt, guilt, shame, you can’t go on a shopping spree with those voices, leave those voices at home. You can shop for your thoughts, feelings, future, personality, characteristics, traits, skills. Stop wishing. Start being. If I saw myself as sexy, what would life be like?

Tip # 3. Play the game “I’ll have that”, where you walk around the world, and see things that make you pay attention. Instead of looking at people who have that stuff, and thinking that they are different to you, say yes to how they got the stuff. If a child sees a bird for the first time and is curious and joyful, totally lit up, and starts laughing, full of curiosity and wonder, you can ask for that in your life. Say “I want that.” Acknowledge that she had no label for engaging, so she was joyful, and I want that.

So here are five tips for shopping for your future. Tip #1. Your future is not defined. Play…... play audaciously. What future would you love? Go extravagant. Go luxurious. Go for the best and the impossible.

Tip # 4. I wonder. Be in that space of curiosity, try that future on for size, if it is money or a car or a house, say ‘I wonder what it would be like?’ Tip #5. Acknowledge when those energies start to show up and go ‘wow’. If I ask for pleasure, and then I go out, have an ice-cream and it’s pleasurable, and I don’t acknowledge it, it tells the universe I’m not grateful for it. The universe responds to gratitude and acknowledgment that the universe has delivered. If the universe delivers and you don’t open the parcel, it goes back to the depot. You have to engage with that energy, you can’t just say ‘I want’, you have to take action to receive more of it. You have to take actions that are congruent with what you’re asking for.

“If you want a life a life that inspires you, you have to be inspired. Choose to be inspired by the world, rather than seeing problems.”

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W R I T T E N

B Y :

D E L A N Y

The Lie Of Perfection It’s not that I have it all sorted. It is that the choices I make create my life to be greater every day. It’s not that I don’t hear the voices or perceive the energies of discontent and destruction. It is that I can now change those energies with an acknowledgment and a choice to be, think and do what will contribute to me, my body and my creations. It is that I can change the vibration, raise the vibration. It is that in communication with my body, the planet, light beings and elementals I Raise My Joy levels And my body fills with delicious peace, happiness and gratitude. The ability to have this has not happened overnight. I invest and practice being me by the choices I make. I play with my Telepathic and TransTalent abilities. Letting go of worrying about whether I fit in. Gratitude Presence Questions Choice

Are you ready for that?

The Power of a Question How do you create a business that is so different to what everybody else is offering that there is no roadmap to follow, no business model to copy and no advisors that you can consult to tell you what you need to do? Andrea Belluso and Amanda Anderson Belluso are directors of internationally-renowned creative services company the House of Belluso. They have created a business that combines photography and video production services with training, workshops and coaching programs that assist their clients to create a more expansive and authentic life that is filled with fun, joy and adventure. To the outsider, these elements may seem to be unconnected, but for Andrea and Amanda they are intimately related in a way that greatly enhances both the photography and the coaching. They are continually looking for new ways to grow their business and the services they offer in order to create more for their clients and themselves. We asked Andrea and Amanda if they could talk about the way that they create these original new ideas and grow their business. They told us that the first tool that they use to create anything in their business is to ask a question without expecting to get an answer. Sarah Andrew, Living Lifestyle Magazine founder (LLMF): - What do you mean when you say that there is a difference between asking a question to get an answer and asking a question to get possibilities?

Andrea Belluso (AB): - If you ask a question to get an answer you are automatically limited because the answer is the only thing that can exist. Instead leave the answer open, ask an open ended question and really be in the wonder of “what else is possible?” or “how could it get even better than this?” regardless of the situation. Then you open up energetically to every single possibility in the universe, even those that you could not even imagine. Amanda Anderson Belluso (AAB): - Just look at those two questions that you just mentioned - “what else is possible?” and “how does it get any better than this?”. If you apply just those two questions to anything it can change your life. What else is possible? - I

think that I say it or think it about 200,000 times a day. It’s one of the tools of Access Consciousness that I use and it is something that’s just there now, it wasn’t from the beginning or when I started using these tools. But now I don’t even need to think about it for it to be there. LLMF: - So would you say that you have done it so much that your life just seems to be a constant question now? AAB: - Yes. And it’s in the silly examples, like driving around for a parking space and you don’t find one and you think okay so what are the other possibilities and then poof it’s there. Some people call it luck, and in that case I’m a very lucky person. So what do you have to lose, what if you just started asking what else is possible and how does it get any better than this? You can ask it in any situation. For something that you consider is bad, you can say “well this is interesting and what else is possible?” If you have pain in your body you can say “well this is uncomfortable I don’t like this”, then you can say “well what are the other possibilities?” It’s not about finding the answers it’s about asking for something greater to show up.

AB: - For me that really changed my life, especially during that black period of my life when I wanted to kill myself. So much was happening then - I was going through a divorce, two of my companies were going bankrupt and I was being cheated out of lots of money by a close friend. I went from having shit loads of money into having a huge debt, almost over night. Over the space of 2 weeks, literally, my life crashed and I was blaming it on what these other people were saying. It was the financial crash in Europe, oh that’s why it is happening - but it wasn’t. It was my wife because she wanted a divorce so it’s her fault. No, I had to accept that it wasn’t any of these things and that I was creating all of this. And now I know why I was creating all this - that’s why I call it one of my renaissances

periods not my dark period. I knew something much greater was possible, something greater than me being successful according to this reality with a nice car, lots of money, a little kid, a pretty wife, a nice flat and all the trips. But for me that was not what I wanted, I wanted to create something more. And after spending almost two years in this crisis period, or renaissance rather, I started using the Access Consciousness tools. One of the founders of Access Consciousness, Dr Dain Heer, says that ‘ask and you shall receive’ is true but it has been hidden in the Bible. It really does exist and it does work. It actually started for me one evening when I was totally broke, I didn’t even have money to buy bread. I could buy like toast bread but not like real bread, proper bread. I was with my girlfriend at the time and I had just come out of hospital for my back. The Doctors said that it was a disaster or a reconstruction rather. It seemed like I had to get a new body and new everything basically. My girlfriend went to go buy some bread in Stockholm, it was snowing and cold at the time and all she had was loose change. She was standing in the supermarket looking at the fancy bread, the more expensive bread than the square bread.

The manager came up because she was staring and he asked if he could help. She said she was looking for the square bread cause she couldn’t afford the fancy bread. He said they were out of that bread but she could take what she wanted. But she said but she couldn’t afford it. He said I’m telling you to take it, do you want all of it you’d be doing me a favor, we have to chuck it because I can’t sell it tomorrow so take what you want. She said Really? He went into the back of the shop and brought out one of those really big brown paper bags and he said to her to fill it up, go to the till and tell them it was from me. She comes home with this big bag of really gorgeous fresh bread and I said so I see you’ve been using the tools. She said I don’t know what happened but I guess I was lucky and I said yeah okay fine you were lucky, you were just very lucky. So we took one loaf for that night, put one in the freezer and then despite my sore back, we walked through the snow and gave the rest to the homeless. And it became a tradition for the next few months until the manager was gone cause it’s illegal to give food to the homeless, that’s how fucked up this reality is. You want to create something better in the world then just give food to the people who don’t have food, but it’s illegal. You kill someone and they put you in prison, you give someone food and they do the same thing. I started creating my life this way, by asking for things. I had to sell my studio because I couldn’t afford it, I had to sell a lot of things, my cars and everything was gone. When I was recreating my life I then started to think okay what is true for me, like if I had a studio I could really work so much more but I couldn’t afford a studio. I started

looking in the classifieds and I see a studio a street behind the one I use to live. It’s this beautiful studio and the owner wanted the equivalent of 30,000 Australian dollars for the change over of the lease. I didn’t have a penny let alone $30,000. I saw the owner and said I have to apologize I’m wasting your time - I don’t have any money. She looked at me and said I don’t care, do you want the studio? I said well yeah I’d love the studio but I can afford it. She said listen you’re the first guy to come cause I just put up the advert, I’m going to cancel everyone else and just give you the studio and just one question can you afford the studio at the end of the month. And I said look if I have the studio I can produce money. She said okay I want to give you the studio. I’ll give you the lease for free. And two weeks later I got a big client in and was able to pay 3 months rent upfront. So this is also trusting your knowing.

LLMF: - It’s trusting your knowing and not having a point of view on it. AAB: - Cause most people wouldn’t even go there, they would go straight to what’s the point. I have no money so what’s the point? AB: - With no money, we created it with no money. But you have to trust it, if you put in even one ounce of doubt you are destroying it. That’s where you have to be ruthless, totally not following your brain but following your knowing and not following this reality. LLMF: - Wow, I wonder what my life would be, what my businesses would be if I had no doubt in what I was doing.

E S B L Y L I W O B BOYS della

k Fra by Fran

here’s probably not a man alive who hasn’t had one of those moments in his life (and quite probably more than one), where he’s been seized by rage — his blood boils, his vision goes red, his fists involuntarily clench into brick-breaking weapons. And chances are good that you’ve vented that rage on a wall, or a nearby guitar, or perhaps, regrettably... a person. If you’ve ever seen the Hulk in a movie or TV show go completely berserk, smashing aliens with impunity, and devastating midtown Manhattan and felt a kind of primal, satisfying release in it, then you’re not alone. When Stan Lee created the emerald behemoth in the 1960s, he was thinking of all the time he had been bullied as a kid. He remembered that feeling of helplessness when kids older and bigger than he would knock him to the ground, rub his face in the mud, and steal his lunch money. The Hulk was his wish fulfillment for that rage that lived inside him without release. These days, the Hulk’s innate appeal goes even deeper. But give me a second. We’ll get there. Recently, Gillette released a male-positive ad whose message was simple — “We know better than we did before. So let’s do better than we did before.” The ad showed one man shutting down a buddy as he attempted to cat call a woman. Another showed a father separating two boys fighting, while a line of other men stood at identical barbecue grills chanting, “Boys will be boys. Boys will be boys. Boys will be boys.” When I first saw the ad, I’d already heard some of the backlash against the ad. It was said to be emasculating to men. It said that the advertiser hated men. That the ad was anti-masculinity.

But, in fact, the ad was incredibly pro-manliness. It was just coming out against toxic tropes of masculinity. Now, quick science review here. All piranha are fish. Not all fish are piranha. With me? If a man felt singled out or attacked in that ad, it could be that he’s been guilty of some of the toxic behavior the ad displayed. Make sense? Toxic masculinity exists, but not all men are toxic. This is where the Hulk comes back in. As part of my coaching work with both The Geek’s Guide to Empowerment and the Tao of Manliness, I spend a lot of time looking at geek culture and male culture and looking for the patterns and archetypes that make us who we are. When Stan Lee created the Hulk, he didn’t just create an immensely strong hero. He created an immensely strong hero that sprang forth from the body of a much weaker man, Bruce Banner. But why make him a mindless beast? Shazam transforms from teenager Billy Batson into a super-powered crimefighter with the wisdom of Solomon at his command. Why not go that way? Why the savage, rampaging, unreasoning brute?

Bruce Banner, when angry, transforms into a completely different being in the Hulk. Once the green goliath is unleashed, Banner no longer has any say in what occurs. The Hulk, once released, is unstoppable juggernaut of destruction until everything in his path has been well and truly smashed. And then? Then Banner returns. But Banner returns without any responsibility for what just occurred when the Hulk took over. And that is the true wish being fulfilled. Boys who have been raised on the “boys will be boys” mentality are often fed a steady diet of “man up”; constantly told that “big boys don’t cry” and that talking about your emotions or seeking help “is only for girls.”

What happens when you cut off any softer impulse in half of the people on the planet? Well, for starters, men commit 90% of all violent crime, and are on the receiving end of 77% of it. Every man has been angry, and every now and then, the boy who was told it was wrong to deal with his emotions will eventually “Hulk out” and hurt or frighten those he loves.

The result is that most adult men drink from a well filled with stoicism, dominance, aggression, and competitiveness.

Boys will be boys. I actually believe that’s true. But we don’t need boys. We need men. How are we raising them? 25

oes anybody make truly natural skincare products that do a great

job and are affordable enough for the whole family to use? That was the question that started Minya Earth Care owner Deborah Riddle on her path to the creation of her uniquely different skincare products business. We asked Deborah to share a little about herself and her journey to create the Minya Earth Care range of products.

Can you tell us a little bit about yourself and how you came to start your Minya Earth Care business.

w with Intervie

dle h Rid a r o Deb

NATURAL SKINCARE PRODUCTS FOR EVERYONE 26

“I grew up with six brothers. I was very much a tomboy and I would push myself to do better than them - like getting higher up the tree or whatever that might have been. Then I left school and did secretarial work and did what everybody else did. When I reached 30 I had been married and I was a single mother with three children. I realised that if I was to lose my job I didn’t know how I would feed and clothe my children. “I decided to do an apprenticeship so that I actually had a trade behind me and I would always be able to put a roof over their head and food in their mouth. It was a toss up between hairdressing and beauty and I honestly couldn’t tell you what made me choose beauty but I saw an ad in the paper for an apprenticeship, I applied for it and 32 years later I am still here. Over that journey I owned three salons while I was bringing the kids up, I had great businesses. I got very despondent with the industry and how it was being led towards retail products that we had to have on the shelf and how much cash we had to have tied up in that stock. I remember saying to a friend ‘you know what, I think I might just design my own skincare range.’ So I started researching, I started studying and going to classes and then I started developing the product. I developed an amazing skincare range but coming from this industry, I set it up exactly the way that the industry would do it. I had a range for oily skin, sensitive, dry, mature or whatever it might have been. That isn’t what I actually wanted to do – I was really looking for something different. I went along that path, built it into a really great business and became really busy

so I handed it over to a blending company and they put chemicals in it. So, five years into it I dumped over $230,000 worth of product, went bankrupt, went to work for a skincare company in a corporate position, got Can you talk about some feedback that back on my feet again and paid back all of my debts. you have received about the product? “Then about ten years ago I started all over again. This time I didn’t listen to anyone except me and I developed a skincare range from where I saw it should be. When I had my own salon as a single mum, I got to see how many mums used to come in and have treatments and buy skincare products. As their teenage children reached that age of puberty or break out, the mothers wanted to teach them to take care of their skin. These mums would usually start to step back and not have their own treatments and started booking their children in instead.

“One girl had eczema all over her body and she had it particularly severely under the bust and all of the warm spots behind the knee and in the creases of the elbows. I was doing a talk about the product and she happened to be in the audience and I didn’t know that she was there. She stood up and said that she would like to show everybody her skin. All of the eczema had healed and the skin was in the process of the last stage of healing which is where the skin starts to take its’ colour back. She had been using the product for six months at the time and she is still using it five years later.”

“So one of the questions I remember asking myself back then was how can I change this so that families can have a really great skincare product that everyone can afford to have? This is where the idea for the do it yourself (DIY) kit came from. That is the Minya 4 in 1 moisturiser. Over a period of 8 years of blending, reblending then sending the product out to trial then repeating this over and over again, we trialled the products in 3 different countries and every state in Australia. We used it in all different climates and in all age groups from newborn to 103 years old, on both males and females. At the end of all of this we got the product as close to suitable for all skin types and conditions as I could get it. That is what the product is today – it can be used as a cleanser, a moisturiser, a body lotion and a baby bath wash. It is organic, it is 100% natural, it has no chemicals in it and it is vegan. “Just recently I was talking to some clients who said that they didn’t know what to do with all of the product containers, so could they just buy part of the kit? We brought out a refill to the kit so you just buy the 2 components and recycle the product jars. Then I had feedback from other people saying that the product is amazing and I love it but I don’t want to take the time to blend it. So I looked at it and asked how I can supply these clients? So now it comes packaged in three different ways – in a full DIY kit with all of the jars, instructions and ingredients; in a refill for the DIY kit; then in a labeled glass pump bottle that you just purchase and use.”

Let’s look at some of your products. Tell us about your clay mask. “We have three clay masks – one is for sensitive skin, one is for oily skin and one for what we call ‘well lived’ – we don’t like to put the aging word into our product description. The clays are all Australian clays and the masks are all formulated from a mixture of three or more different clays as well as other ingredients like vitamin C and vitamin D3, depending on the type of skin is being treated. They are all very easy to use and they give great results.” How about the different body scrubs “There are three body scrubs. One is based on coffee, one on Himalayan salt and one on coconut. The sweet coconut face polish has been designed to be used in the shower. It is gentle enough to use every day and is suitable for every skin type except breakout.” For the people who don’t know, what is the benefit of using a body scrub? “A scrub is designed to gently buff away any dry skin cells on the surface and leave the skin feeling fresh and invigorated. There are also some scrubs like the coffee scrub – we can’t claim that the scrub will detoxify your body but the stimulation of the coffee livens up the capillary walls and stimulates the blood. So anybody who is on a detox program or who is losing weight or whatever, that would be one that I would recommend or that they would choose.” Tell us a little bit more about the face and body products. “We have a shower kit, which is a body lotion based on essential oils, natural vegetable oils and natural fats. The shower oil that goes with that is based on

essential oils and vegetable oils. Then we have a face and body oil, which was one of the first products that we developed, which is a sister product to the shower oil. Whenever anybody buys the face and body oil they generally use it for their face and décolletage. Personally I use it all over my body but that is a personal preference.” Can these products be used for all ages? “Definitely. The 4 in 1 moisturiser that comes in the DIY kit or in a pump bottle has no essential oils in it so that is the absolute raw base of a moisturiser. It is highly concentrated and it is used so that so that if you put it on wet hands you can thin it down a little. It will loosen the product if you want it to feel finer on the skin, but if you want to leave a film on and have a more nourished feeling you would use it straight from the bottle. That particular product is for all ages – from newborn to well lived. My grandmother lived until she was 103 and that was the only product that she used.”

I notice that you also have essential oils. Is that a skin and then the Super Serum, which is my personal new product? favourite. These products are all absolutely beautiful but because they are all water soluble and they are “We have been selling essential oils for about five based on liquid oxygen not water, so they blend years now to go with the clay masks. A sensitive skin in with whatever skincare range any client may be oil blend to go with the sensitive skin mask, a well- using. I love the face and body oil, I love the 4 in 1 and lived oil blend to go with the well lived mask and so I love the Oxy Rose Serum. They are my absolute goon. The follow up to that is the spot treatment oil. It to products to grab off of the shelf.” is something I had out in the original range about 15 years ago and I recently relaunched it. Old customers kept finding me through Facebook or whatever and asked me when I was going to bring out the spot treatment oil. This product was designed for the smallest amount to go on individual pimples so it is designed to dry out any breakout, reduce the redness, take the swelling away and reduce the itching. We found that it was also excellent for mosquito bites and any light grazes of the skin. What I have experimented with recently is a product for cold sores that is absolutely brilliant if you get it right in the beginning. I have one client who breaks out in cold sores on her face, not just on her lips, through stress. So we caught it in the first 12 hours and she used it maybe half a dozen times a day - whenever she thought of it. Within five days the sores were gone with no scabbing or scarring.” What product do you like using the most on your body? “The face and body oil comes to mind straight away. Inside the Minya range, there is a ‘well lived’ range called Oxy Rose that comes packaged to purchase straight off of the shelf. It is designed for the woman between 35 and say, 70. Typically this is a person that is still working and would like to purchase a full range off of the shelf. It includes a moisturiser, a cleanser, a spritz which is a refresher and firmer for the

So for our readers, where can they find your product? Are they in shops, wellness centres, off of a website?

Where would you like to go in the next five years and where would you like the business to go in five years?

“At the moment, the website is just back up and running after we closed it down for a short while to redesign it. There is also a Minya Earth Skincare facebook page that has a shop button on it that people can purchase from. Café B in Buderim stocks the two body scrubs and the face polish. Peregian Beach Beauty has all of the products that I use in my treatments at the salon. I am looking for other distributors and who knows where that might take me.”

“I would like to see the products sold Australia wide in the next five years. For me personally, I would like to have staff on board so that I don’t have to do so much myself. I don’t know what it will look like but I would like to get into more specialised areas like demonstrations or providing some sort of information about the products and our approach to skin care.

What would you recommend for someone who is looking to try your products? “I would say the 4 in 1 moisturiser, the face polish and either one of the body scrubs because that will do your whole body. That is your full routine. This gives you a cleanser, moisturiser, body lotion, face polish and body scrub in three products.”

“I would also like to see a change in the platform of the skin care industry. The industry to me is not what I would like it to be. When they say a product is natural, it is very defined as to what they mean. I see that as tricking the customer and I am not into that. I would like to create a whole new platform for the skin care and beauty industry. That is where I started and that is my target for the whole thing.

Visit us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/minyaearthskincare/

Not Bad Enough to Leave, Not Good Enough to Stay INTERVIEW WITH VIV ADCOCK

hat can you do when you realise that you would like to end your relationship? When you still care for your partner despite knowing that your life will be far greater if you separate. How can you make the experience less stressful for both you and your partner? Is it possible to have the aim that you remain friends at the end of the separation process?

Viv Adcock is a Kinesiologist and Access Consciousness Certified facilitator based in the Noosa region of the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia. This was the situation she found herself in two years ago. We asked her about the ending of her marriage and how she is going about the separation process. Could you tell us a little about your marriage and what was going on for you when you decided to separate from your husband?

“I had been married to my husband for 15 years and in all we had been in a friendship for about 30 years. For the last 3 to 4 years before I made the call, it was clear to me that the relationship was basically over. We were doing our best to make it work, we were friends. It wasn’t bad, we weren’t fighting, we weren’t arguing but I had left some years before energetically.”

What do you mean when you say that you had left energetically? “It was so easy to go around together – still living together, doing things like shopping together, living under the same roof. There was a shift in me and at some stage I just started to feel disconnected. I wasn’t contributing to him the way that I used to, I wasn’t present – at least I wasn’t emotionally present. I was physically there but I wasn’t engaging with him at an energetic level. He is very sensitive and aware of that and he could feel it. Both of us were in this stale place where we were just existing – we weren’t living and the relationship wasn’t thriving.” So what led you to the choice where you said that you were leaving? “I had agonised for a while and I spoke a lot to other people who had made the choice to separate. When you are a couple, one of you makes the choice to leave, whether it is a cognitive choice or something just snaps or changes. In my case, there was a defining moment. My mother had died in the UK. I was over there nursing her and he came over for the funeral. I understand that it was hard for him because he loved my mum and he was very close – he had a great relationship with her. But he wasn’t able to be there in that time that I really required him just to be that space for me and to be that level of allowance and to contribute to me. It just wasn’t there. I don’t ask for a great deal in a relationship – I’m quite self-sustained. I thought that he had my back and then I realised that he didn’t. It was probably another 3 or 4 years before I left him. After that there were just signs and signals all of the time. “I saw that he could be quite judgemental, quite manipulative and I was just seeing the things that you don’t see when you are in love and you have these rose-coloured glasses on. I wasn’t judging him for it but I was asking ‘is this an energy that is actually contributing to my life, is this an energy that is taking my life in the direction that I would like it to go – in that creative and expansive generative way?’ It was a very clear no – he was quite happy in his space, he was quite

happy with what he had created and he didn’t want to go any further. The fact that he didn’t want to keep on creating and keep on adventuring was like a slow death for me. I was asking what’s next, what adventure can I go on, who can I meet, what can I explore, what can I learn, what can I contribute? I was always looking for that adventure energy and so it was very clear to me that it was time.” After you chose to leave, what was it like in the first 6 months after the separation? “Well this might sound a little cruel but I was like a bird that had been let out of a cage. I was happy again, I was light, I was discovering parts and pieces of me that I had forgotten, I was reconnecting with people I hadn’t seen for years. I was doing things I hadn’t given myself the space to do because I was in a relationship. Then reality would hit every now and again. Something would trigger a memory and I would get a little bit sad for a short time – maybe 30 seconds – so I used the tools of Access Consciousness whenever I went into the sadness or the grief or the loss or the doubt of ‘have I had done the wrong thing?’ When I looked it, it was clear that I absolutely had not – I could tell by the way I looked and the way I felt, but sometimes your mind plays tricks on you.” Can you tell us a bit more about these tools of Access Consciousness and how you used them as your marriage was coming to an end? “There were a couple of mainstays for me here. The mantra of Access Consciousness is ‘all of life comes to me with ease, joy and glory’. When people separate they assume it is going to be trauma, drama, hatred and there is going to be a lot of fighting with all of the bitterness and resentment as well as squabbling over silly petty things. I made a conscious choice that I would take this separation in a different direction if he was willing. He is a kind man, a good man, a gentle soul underneath it all

but he was hurting. I knew the stuff that was coming up for him because it was my choice to leave. So ‘all of life comes to me with ease, joy and glory’ meant that whatever I was going to face, whatever was going to come up and present itself in that time shortly after the relationship breakdown would be ease-filled. It didn’t mean that it would be easy, but it meant that the bumps and the upsets and the reminders and the memories would be a little bit more like speed bumps in the road rather than smashing into a brick wall. My target for him was ’what would it take for us to have a friendship beyond this so that we don’t destroy each other?’ I still care for him very much and I will forever. So ease joy and glory permeated into his world as well. Every time we spoke there wasn’t this bitterness and hurt and nastiness. There have been a few bumps but on the whole it has been ease, joy and glory.

journey as well and it wasn’t me saying anything to him, it was my desire or my intention if you like. He picked it up somehow through the ethers and after a while, after the bruising settled down, he said to me that he would like to have a really good friendship after all of this.” Where is your life heading now? What are you choosing now? “Well it has now been two years since we separated. We stay in contact with each other and we have dogs together. They are different because they are foster dogs. That is still part of my life and he includes me with the dogs because I was part of their lives.

“We send jokes to each other, we will text, we caught up just before Christmas just to finalise “The other tool I used was to ask ‘how does it get any some paperwork and stuff. We have solved the better than this?’ every time I would feel a bit sad or if whole thing between us, we haven’t involved I saw something that would prompt a memory of him solicitors. He has got the property and most of and I got a bit melancholy for a while. If I realised I was what we created together but at the end of the stuck in my thoughts feelings and emotions or I was day, I have taken what I doing sadness and grief, I would like – he has been would ask myself ‘how does really amenable with “If I was navigating where this separation it get any better than this?’ was going, I realised that I was the captain of the ship. He will follow me If I go through the icebergs first and it will be easier for him in my wake energetically.”

If I was navigating where this separation was going, I realised that I was the captain of the ship. He will follow me If I go through the icebergs first and it will be easier for him in my wake energetically. That was my target and these tools were my mainstays. I have to say that I had some really tough days throughout all of this. It is a massive change in your life at so many levels. So ‘how does it get any better than this?’ and ‘all of life comes to me with ese, joy and glory’ kept things rolling. Especially saying ‘all of life comes to me..’ because I think that we push and we force and we put so much pressure on ourself to be tough, to be strong or be brave. Well no, what if all of this could come to me, what if I could meet all of this, what if we could do all of this together and it is not just me fighting and punching and wrestling and dealing with all of that emotional trauma everyday. The toll that all of that takes on your body and the toll that it takes on you as a person if you try to force it is so immense. “Half way through all of it he said to me that he would like it if, at the end of all of this we could sit around the bonfire, maybe him with a new partner and me with a new partner, and we could sit down with a beer and laugh about old times. So he came on the

the process. There have been a few things that he wanted to have but it isn’t worth fighting over a bloody thermometer or something else that is a bit sentimental to either of us. No possessions or objects that i used to like when we were together is important to me. I am willing to let go of anything because I know that I can create something again. “So many people, when they go through a separation, think that they have lost so much that they have to hold onto everything, every little trinket. This is where the bitterness comes in. I started to acknowledge him for his generosity throughout the process, even though I was thinking that I wasn’t being acknowledged for giving him a really good deal as I saw it. At the same time, he was thinking that he wasn’t

being acknowledged because he could have taken me to court and had half of everything. I asked what gratitude can I be for him and his generosity. He thinks that he is being really generous with me right now and although I don’t necessarily agree, I realised that he is being as generous as he can be in his world. He is hurting right now and he is still being kind and generous and wanting to work with me. That gratitude for his generosity really shifted the relationship as well. I know him so well that if

I keep things soft and I’m gentle with him and I’m malleable, he is more than willing to go with me. If I started to get harsh and demanding and expecting and self-righteous it would be just a brick wall. I would like it to be as gentle as possible for him while still honouring me. Anytime I got a bit cranky or bitter, I would ask’ what about him can I be grateful for?’

“So that was another tool that I used – asking ‘What can I be grateful for here?’ I also had to ask ‘what am I grateful for me in all of this’. I had to acknowledge the courage that I had to actually leave. The relationship wasn’t really bad – it wasn’t good enough to stay and it wasn’t bad enough to leave, so I had to dig really deep to make the choice to end it.”

Do you have 5 tips for someone who is ending their marriage – either their partner left them or they left their partner. What can they do? 1. “Set the target that you can still be friends when it is all over. Acknowledge that it may be a bumpy 6

months, 12 months or two years or more while you are going through it, but aim to be friendly throughout the separation process and friends when it is completed. It doesn’t mean that you have to be best buddies but if you can be friendly, polite, respectful and honouring of your ex, it will allow them to be more flexible with you through the process.”

2. “Ask ‘how can I be grateful for me here?’. Acknowledge the courage that it has taken for you to do this rather than judging yourself or beating yourself up for the things you didn’t do to keep the relationship together.” 3. “Give yourself the space to miss them, to reminisce about old times if that is required. It may seem a little unkind, but I now give myself 10 seconds to indulge in thoughts and feelings from the relationship. It has been two years now since we were together and I am always seeing things that jolt my memory and things that bring up the thought of him. So I will reminisce or get a bit sad for a really short time then say ok I’m over that now. I can acknowledge what we had and be grateful for what we had. I allow myself that space – there have been times when I wanted to kill him and I hated him and there have been times when I wanted to hug him. There have also been times when I wanted to bawl my eyes out. I’m ok with all of that.” 4. “Find someone who can just be there for you. I have only one or two people who I talk to about my separation and I know that these discussions won’t go any further. With one of them, I would download everything and they would be in total allowance. They had no judgment of me or him and they had no point of view, they didn’t take sides and they would give me that space and just be there, not try to fix anything or tell me what to do and just be. That is such a gift.” 5. “Don’t get stuck in the story of the troubles of your separation. This is a choice and it is a muscle that you have to develop. So many people - and I caught myself doing this in the early days - need to feel that they were right about leaving the relationship, or they need to defend themselves and justify their actions. I actually did this with one person who was trying to be friends to both of us. I chose not to keep bitching. I chose not to keep spewing toxicity. The more you do those kind of things, the more you are invoking and perpetrating it into the future. So people would ask me how I was doing and I would say that I have good days and I have bad days, I have ups and downs but the good days are more and more up all of the time. I am learning a lot more about myself and I am learning to be gentle with me and him throughout this whole process. I am now grateful that the relationship happened rather than sad that it is over.”