The
Daily Grind The world’s #1 most obscure newspaper
Table of Contents
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Pg. 3 - A Brush with Death Pg. 4-5 - It’s not a Hobby... Pg. 6 - A Better Brew
Back Cover - What’s up with my Cup?
Produced by Stefan Schmidt
A with
Brush
H T A E D CH3
Sometimes dumb curiosity leads us to do silly things. Other times it leads us to meet our demise.
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BY STEFAN SCHMIDT DESIGN BY STEFAN SCHMIDT
s.n.schmidt14@gmail.com On Friday, May 8th, 2015 I intentionally overdosed on a popular narcotic. Taking 10 hits, 400 mg over the medical overdose level for someone of my bodyweight, I soon felt the telltale signs: shaking hands, rapid heart rate, stomach cramps. Coffee drinking is not to be taken lightly. During my recent brush with death, my cool head and radical disposition lead me to make the most out of my circumstances without panicking. I decided to try a number of activities. My first thought was to abuse the state
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3 JUNE 2015 WSSPAPER.COM
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induced by the dangerous chemical concoction to complete menial chores and homework. First was laundry. With superhuman speed and mechanical determination I folded an entire basket of laundry and removed no fewer than 12 items of clothing from my bedroom floor. If this overdose could cure clothing crises, could it perhaps motivate me to complete my homework as well? Put to the task, I found myself racing vigorously through great chunks of homework yet stopping frequently to stare off, letting my mind race instead, much like Frogger as he jumps from log to log, then waits patiently for the next magical platform to return. Naturally, with my heightened awareness I reasoned a pleasant run through the woods was in order. I felt invincible, off to a faster start than even my best day without coffee. So invincible was my body, in fact, that my stomach deemed its nutritious contents unnecessary and reinserted them into the natural environment instead. Truly, I was
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both above and one with nature. What better way to spend my come down than with a younger brother too naive to notice the obvious signs of overdose? Feigning a casual mood, I slid into the chair next to him as he fed happily on Lucky Charms cereal. “Yum,” said he, blissfully ignorant of the drug abuse his very brother next to him had committed only hours ago. “Crunch, crunch,” said the carcinogenic cereal, even more unaware. “HEY, WHAT’S UP, SOREN!?” I said, with a more frantic tone than intended. He glanced over and grinned dumbly. My intoxication escaped his initial survey, but I decided to leave rather than further risk discovery. I spent the remainder of my high pacing around my bedroom trying to accomplish small tasks. I emerged luckily alive but mildly exhausted and a little dehydrated. If there’s one thing my perilous ordeal taught me, it’s this: drugs don’t pay.
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It’s not a Hobby... BY STEFAN SCHMIDT PHOTOS BY STEFAN SCHMIDT DESIGN BY STEFAN SCHMIDT s.n.schmidt14@gmail.com
title: the picnic Kendra Law ‘16 poses casually on an old fence with not one, not two, not three, but four coffee mugs. Why she needs so many we do not know. Also, the cups are a metaphor for capitalism.
title: G-Unity Law holds limply onto a large marble monument. Law’s subtle censorship of the writing on the monument represents the ability of the news media to deliberately keep certain issues out of the realm of public discourse.
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Title: Tea Party Law indulges in a candid luncheon with her imaginary friends. Clearly, the photo satirizes the carefree attitude of the aristocracy idolized during the Rococo movement.
Title: Wood Nymph Law curiously drops a handful of coffee beans over the ledge above a creek. The obvious analogy is that the beans are the proletariat as the bourgeoisie toss them aside for their own amsuement and gain.
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A
Better Brew
BY STEFAN SCHMIDT DESIGN BY STEFAN SCHMIDT
s.n.schmidt14@gmail.com You’re not the only one. Each night, millions of others stare distraught at their bedroom ceiling, pondering the same question: “How can I make a better cup of coffee?”
Worry no more; we have the answer. Follow this guide to wash away your lifelong woe and brew the perfect cup of drip coffee. First thing’s first: It’s all in the grind. There are two aspects to the grind. First, coarseness. Adjust your mill to make sure the grounds are the appropriate size. For regular drip coffee, the grounds should be roughly the size of kosher salt. Second, consistency. If your mill produces grounds of varying size in the same batch, ditch it and buy a better one. If you don’t have cash to shell out, try individually chopping each bean with a sharp object such as a razor or CD.
Another fatal mistake is incorrect dosage. “Dose” refers to the amount of grounds used when brewing. For instance, to make a 6 fl. Oz cup of coffee, one should use roughly 10g of grounds. However, feel free to experiment if you prefer your coffee stronger or milder. The third pillar of a perfect cup of coffee is brew time. By increasing or decreasing the amount of water mixed with the grounds at any time, you control how concentrated your coffee is. If you like a stronger cup, keep the water level low (high brew time). If you like a milder cup, keep the water level high (low brew time). Brewing an 8 Oz cup should take around two or three minutes.
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What’s up
Cup?
with my
Too Bitter Too Thin
Decrease Dose
Coarser Grind
Increase Dose
Too Sour
Too Strong
Increase brew time Finer Grind
Decrease brew time