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S T N E T CON

FEATURES

08. WILL THIS MAN RAPE YOUR CHILDREN? (Hint: no) - an interview with kindy teacher-in-training Greg Bennett

10. Why I Want To Be A Man, By Lucy Zhou

REGULARS

For editorial and advertising enquiries please contact:

usu.

Credits Editor: Rory MacKinnon News Editor: Josephine Stewart Designer: Mark Lovatt Ad Designer: Talia Smith

Contributors Adam Beach Hamish Oakley Lucy Zhou Matt Alpe

Disclaimer Opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of the publishers. Submission and contributors are welcome, but the publisher reserves the right to select and edit the material submitted. Materials submitted will remain property of the publisher, unless alternative arrangements are made.

Issue 10: The Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Issue, Monday 20 August

Telephone (09) 815 4321 ext: 7927 Facsimile (09) 846 3381 Email inunison@unitec.ac.nz PO Box 44 016, Point Chevalier

04. Editorial 05. Letters 06. Presidentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Tirade 07. News 11. Gig Guide 12. Full Credit 13. Dear Ken 14. Caption Comp 15. Enditorial

RIA EDITO

An Incontrovertible Truth. Gender politics have always been a touchy subject. Even the terminology evokes conflict: the ‘opposite’ sex, the ‘battle’ of the sexes, and let’s not forget the colourful description of a rather delicate part of the female anatomy as a “gaping axe wound”. So I suppose it’s no surprise that the first ructions between In Unison and the USU arrived with this issue, when we unveiled our plans for the covers. Imagine if you will a top-down view of a toilet bowl, seat proudly skyward and some unfortunate ‘near misses’ spattered around the rim. This was accompanied by the caption, ‘Nobody’s Perfect.’ This was our vision for the Men’s Issue. Glorious, I know. The cover for the Women’s Issue was a similar concept with similar execution. A toilet bowl as before, but with the seat lowered and a used tampon bobbing gently in the water. Again, ‘Nobody’s Perfect’. While the Men’s cover was received with raised eyebrows and bemusement, the Women’s met with outright horror from some quarters. It was offensive, they said. It was puerile. It was arguably demeaning. And while we were never censured on our choice of cover, we were advised that the backlash from readers and members of the public would be enormous.

IN UNISON

EDITORIAL

As you can see, we chose not to go with it. After literally days of debate, we decided that while the covers were a significant artistic statement, it wasn’t worth losing readers over. But both the covers and the controversy illustrated an age-old double standard which I think is worth addressing: That girls are yucky. Well, not quite. But there is a taboo in our society surrounding women and the scatological. As one popular internet meme puts it, ‘girls don’t poop’. Women rarely go to the toilet; they “freshen up”. Film and television show women using the bathroom purely as an opportunity to reapply makeup or speak with a friend in private. While I have no doubt that these things also happen, it seems odd that we rarely acknowledge that girls do, in fact, poop. Or menstruate, as the case may be. I say this not because I have any special desire to watch women on the bog, but because I think this is significant in terms of gender politics. If you’ll allow me to get metaphorical for a second, the toilet is a great leveller, a place in which everyone must recognise their basic humanity. In Russian and Polish, for instance, it’s euphemistically referred to as “the place where even emperors must approach on

WORDS: RORY MACKINNON

foot”. It’s a universal experience which, in its own way, breeds a kind of kinship. Yet men and women are denied this camaraderie. As a society we choose to ignore the basic biological functions of women because we find them distasteful, yet we do not extend the same courtesy to men. In this way we subconsciously ‘elevate’ women with false notions of purity and delicacy, while reinforcing a perception of men as bestial, unclean and by implication, inferior. So we are surprised to see women in physical occupations, as in our interview with mechanic-in-training Ludi Beatson, or men in roles which demand a higher level of consciousness, like Early Childhood student Greg Bennett (also featured here). It’s a long shot, but toilet humour might just be key to turning the tide. And that is why I had Toilet Training Trannies 4 in my desk drawer. You can all get back to work now. -RJM inunison@unitec.ac.nz AND NOW www.usu.co.nz!!!1

THIS ISSUE’S QUESTION

TEXT POLL

]

What is your religion? And is it worth dying for?

LETTERS I Swear To God, In No Way Did I Prompt This Dear Rory, I think you’re swell. Possibly my favourite person called Rory. Your magazine looks and feels nice also. Yours truly, Laura McQuillan News Editor Salient magazine TXT in your opinion and be in to win food & drink vouchers from Carrington’s, Unitec’s new licensed venue!

A Reader Responds See below.

021 022 72536 TXT POLL RESULTS

SPARTANS

‘SMARDIES’

UNICORNS

PUKEKOS

SAMPLE OF YOUR OPINIONS

GOT A PROBLEM

“The USU Pukekos! *mumbles ‘those bloody pukekos’*”

WITH UNITEC? N

’A S

usu SOCIATION

ITE

See the USU Advocate for conﬁdential advice and support usuadvocate@unitec.ac.nz 815 4321 x7924

“The USU Pukekos… Because you cannot walk around the Mt Albert campus without seeing at least 1 pukeko…Something that makes Unitec’s environment special.”

STU

}

GRIZZLIES

What would be the best name for our League team?

“USU SMARDIES. Referring 2 dea brains” “USU SPARTANS!!!”

THE PRESIDENT’S TIRADE

T’S

THE PRESIDEN

TIRADE

For the gender issue I want to talk about the increasingly disturbing phenomena; men’s support groups and metrosexuals. Why the hell do men need to form support groups? Come on guys, what the £µ<& is going on? What do men need to discuss in committee? Part of the fun of being a man is being independent, tough and insensitive. This seems to be the trend however, and men are increasingly wearing pink shirts (salmon, apparently) and crying on each other’s shoulders, even having ‘men’s conferences’, which don’t include cars, tools, machinery, military hardware or cheerleaders. Looks like the formerly average yobbish bloke is going to become extinct and we will all be metro sooner or later.

Now that I’ve had my rant, onto the serious business - as some of you know by now, it’s election nominations time and we need good people to be on the Executive for next year. If you need some more convincing, then let me entice you with promises of glory and a good addition to your CV. If that’s not enough, then I suppose I should inform you of all the fun that can be had being part of our events and the running of the USU. I should also tell those wishing to take my job that it’s wide open, I am not running again. However I do want a good replacement to step in, so if you’re finishing your studies and keen to gain some of the best work experience you can get right out of study, then I expect to hear from you. And to finish on a nicer tone, I also would like to thank all the competitors in the Tertiary Challenge, who made the event what it was. And remember, it’s not winning or losing that counts, but that you played the game… Ahh, who am I kidding.e. Adam Beach USU President usupresident@unitec.ac.nz

USU CONTACTS PO Box 44016, Point Chevalier 139 Carrington Rd, Gate 4 Rm 1004, Building 180 Auckland www.usu.co.nz

IN UNISON

USU Reception (bus tickets, secondhand books) The Hub, Bld 180, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 8600 e: usu@unitec.ac.nz

PRESIDENT’S TIRADE

Student Job Search (SJS) The Hub, Bld 180, Unitec p: (09) 846 9910 e: unitec@sjs.co.nz

MEDIA, In Unison Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7927 e: inunison@unitec.ac.nz

ADVOCACY (Student Problems) Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7924 e: usuadvocate@unitec.ac.nz

EVENTS Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7925 e: usuevents@unitec.ac.nz

usu@unitec.ac.nz

Ajay General Exec Lobster Boy

usu@unitec.ac.nz

Frank General Exec A Boy Named Sue

usu@unitec.ac.nz

Kaushik General Exec Three Imaginary Boys

usu@unitec.ac.nz

Greg General Exec It’s Raining Men

usu@unitec.ac.nz

Beryl International Rep The Last Action Hero

usutreas@unitec.ac.nz

Trace Treasurer Dude Looks Like A Lady

usuvicepres@unitec.ac.nz

Hemi Maori Rep Boys Don’t Cry

USU EXECUTIVE

SPORTS Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7930 e: ususport@unitec.ac.nz USU PRESIDENT Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7929 e: usupresident@unitec.ac.nz

NEWS

‘TEC VERSUS TEC By Josephine Stewart-Te Whiu With reporting from Rory MacKinnon New Zealand’s polytechnics and universities have closed ranks in protest over proposed reforms to the tertiary education sector. The institutions are critical of the new Education Amendment Bill introduced by Minister of Tertiary Education Dr. Michael Cullen, which would replace the traditional charters with investment plans reviewed by the Tertiary Education Commission every three years. The New Zealand Vice-Chancellors’ Committee which represents New Zealand’s universities says the Bill will give the Commissions too much power over institutions, including the ability to cut government funding to any of their activities, whether it is funded by the TEC or not. “This represents [a] major threat to institutional autonomy. TEC is empowered to prescribe the content of and process for submitting plans and to assess plans for funding approval”, said NZVCC Chair Roy Sharp in a statement to Parliament’s Science and Education Select Committee. While Unitec has not made a formal submission to the Select Committee, CEO Dr. John Webster says he has been in regular contact with the Committee on other matters and that Unitec “would generally support the NZVCC position”.

However Dr. Cullen believes the ViceChancellors’ fears are unfounded. “Universities have, for at least forty years, been complaining that academic freedom is under threat and that they are losing autonomy.” “When they first started doing that, 100 percent of their funding came from the Government. They were directly controlled, they could not build a single building without permission from central government, and they required a great degree of approval for courses from a University Grants Committee, the Academic Subcommittee. None of those things apply today, and academic freedom will continue to be of concern for universities. A Government headed by an ex-academic, seconded by an ex-academic, and with another four persons who are ex-academics has an understanding of academic freedom.” Dr. Cullen says the Bill will introduce a more streamlined system by providing the TEC with a broader range of options for guiding tertiary education organisations and monitoring their performances, and will ensure that the system delivers for stakeholders, especially students, employers, local councils and communities. “In other words, the Government has some right to expect that what is done bears some broad relevance to New Zealand’s social and economic development. That is not an interference with academic freedom,” Dr. Cullen says.

UNITEC LECTURER OVERSEES TVNZ CHARTER REVIEW By Josephine Stewart-Te Whiu

A lecturer from Unitec has been appointed Chair of the working party revising TVNZ’s Charter. Communications lecturer Peter Thompson will lead the team reviewing the public’s submissions on the redraft, which is conducted every five years. Thompson says they will attempt to make the Charter easier for the public to understand. “TVNZ’s research showed that many people were not well informed about the Charter -although that may depend on whether they’re interested.” Thompson says the redraft will also address the station’s current catch-22, where the station must boost ratings and pay dividends to the Crown while meeting its Charter obligations of providing ‘information essential to democratic participation’ and reflecting local cultural identities. As a leading expert on broadcasting policy reforms in New Zealand, Thompson says he is ‘well-placed’ to predict the effects of revisions.

“I’ve published several analyses of New Zealand broadcasting policy, and the TVNZ Charter has been a focus for much of this, so I’m quite well placed to interpret how any changes that get made to the draft might affect TVNZ’s operations. because I don’t work directly for the NATIONAL COMMITTEE TO HELP SJS WITH MATH SKILLS And government or for TVNZ, I can hopefully By Katrine Kranstad bring an independent and critical academic perspective to the Charter review process.” The committee will be made up of a three A national advisory committee will be set up person panel, providing expertise in fields as a part of the strategic management plan Originally from England, Thompson such as accounting and financial advice. It of Student Job Search (SJS). has been with Unitec’s School of will be comprised of people who have been NZUSA Co-President Josh Clark says SJS Communications since 1997 and lectured successful in the private sector and who has been facing “some [business] issues in both undergraduate and postgraduate have access to contacts in “the business that we now have managed to push behind programmes. world”. us”, and that an advisory committee will be useful as a professional voice in “strategic business matters”. “Having concluded that commonsense was likely to prevail… I concluded that for Unitec to make a separate, formal submission would not be a sensible way to use our scarce resources.”

NEWS

INUNISON

WILL THIS MAN RAPE YOUR CHILD?

(hint: no) Greg Bennett has neon-orange hair, takes seven sugars in his coffee and dresses like an OompaLoompa who mugged a rainbow. And why not, he asks. After all, adulthood should be a time for fulfilling all your childhood fantasies, not discarding them. Which is also why Greg is now in his third and final year of Unitecâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Early Childhood programme, training to become a kindergarten teacher â&#x20AC;&#x201C; a dream he has cherished since the age of four. 08

IN UNISON

FEATURE

WORDS: ROR Y MACKINNON

It’s not all goody goody gumdrops, though – of the six courses running, Greg knows of only one other male student, and says he has suffered from a sense of isolation “many, many times”. But he’s also quick to acknowledge the support he receives from the twenty-five female students in his class: “We’re all going through the same things, and they know the challenges I’m going through.” Apparently, says Greg, they think he’s awesome. “I guess having a male in the class brings a different flavour to things - different concepts, stuff that they don’t think about. They also get to see a lot of how I am and who I am, and appreciate me more for who I am.” And of men outside the course? “[They’re] really, really good about it. I was talking to an electrician this morning who was fixing my oven, a fifty-something year-old male. We got into the conversation of what I do for a job, and I told him and he almost popped! He started talking about him and his grandchildren, and how he’s trying to keep up with them… The general populace are very good about it.” If anything, it seems that most of the challenges and prejudices men like Greg face are inside the system. Once while employed on a contract from the Ministry of Education, Greg was called in for an unscheduled performance evaluation after three months and was told that he was no longer allowed to have children seated on his lap, change nappies or monitor toileting regimes – a role which primarily required ticking children off a board and organising the remainder to visit the bathroom in groups. It was a frustrating and degrading experience, which Greg says was totally unnecessary. “I never did [change nappies]. Being a male, and especially one that is not in a relationship and doesn’t have children… I work with older children to stay away from that stigma.” As it turned out, the head teacher appeared to have approached parents pre-emptively and asked whether they would feel uncomfortable if a grown man were changing their child’s nappies or accompanying them to the toilet. Greg’s sense of dismay persists, even in the retelling of this humilation. “I fought it. Personally, I think it’s absolute garbage, but I finished my contract and then left that position.” Greg has since found more pleasant surroundings, but is still aware of the double standards masquerading as propriety. “Say an accident has happened - they’ve bloodied their knee, they need some support – they can sit on my lap with the ice-pack there and I’ll treat them just like I would my child if I was at home. If it’s a child who’s feeling particularly affectionate and they just want to come up and give me a hug, they can. But when it comes to sitting on my lap, I’d actually just sit them next to me. I can put my arm around them and say ‘it’s nice that you’re here, it’s good to see you’, and the same emotional expectations are being met. But if it’s good enough for a male educator to have to do that, it’s good enough for a female educator to have to do that the same way.” It’s a difficult and delicate balancing act: children are impulsive and often don’t care for political correctness, even when their teachers do. It’s also important to Greg that his charges don’t misread the situation as wrong or unsafe.

“You can’t bring those concepts into the classroom. It’s like spiders: I’m completely terrified of spiders; they make my skin crawl. But when children are interested in a spider, when they want to look at their webs and hairy legs, you can’t show them your own fear. You have to let them build their own concepts of what the spider world is.” But despite the pitfalls of presumed potential pederasty, Greg says the task of educating the under-fives is tremendously rewarding, and one in which he perceives men playing an important role. “I’m blessed in the sense that I can do all the stuff women do – sewing, cooking, whatever’s perceived as ‘girls’ jobs’ – and I can also do all the perceived ‘guys’ stuff’ – woodworking, landscaping, digging in the sandpit. But I also have the context of remembering what it is to be a six-year-old boy, running around with joey guns and fireworks, playing cops and robbers and Robin Hood with bows and arrows, and knowing that behaviour is just normal.… But all this stuff that’s perceived as overly masculine is a whole world that women don’t see and literally didn’t experience, so they don’t have any context to put it into other than ‘oh my god, guns kill people and so do swords’.” Of course, Greg is the first to admit it’s only a hunch. “Whether having more men changes the quality of education… I can’t prove that now, because there are so few men to gauge it on. From the research and reading I’ve done on gender inequities within educators, it’s all inconclusive because of that.” In fact, according to Greg less than 1% of the industry in New Zealand are male, and even in Denmark – which boasts the highest proportion of men in the profession in the world – the figure is still as low as 8%. “Men have never been carers of children or the elderly. They were the ones in society who went out and worked or killed that saber-toothed tiger so they could eat dinner that week. It could be argued by women that ‘we could do it too’, but that’s simply not how it’s been.” Greg is now hopeful that with conferences such as Males in Early Childhood Education (MATE) and the involvement of pediatric researchers like Sarah Farquhar, the profession might see a shift towards a more balanced sector. “Regardless of whether it improves the quality of education for the children, we preach [gender equity], so we should try to improve it in these centres. The biggest challenge I have found as a male student in training is that there are so many practicums where you walk in and you are an anomaly. That throws educators into a spin because you’re an unknown quantity, so out of five weeks’ placement you spend the first week or two trying to get them past that point. But if a female was to walk into a practicum, it’s normal. They have everything they need already, they don’t have to change anything about themselves and they can just get on with their practicum. [For men] that’s a real problem: having to deal with this challenge so many times – that ‘you are different, and we don’t really know what to do with you’, when they really don’t need to do anything different at all.” Well, maybe stock up on their sugar.

WHY I WANT TO BE A MAN

BY LUCY ZHOU

Just like the ad says, it’s great to be a guy. Guys seem to live an easier life than girls, and the only reason they can give as to why they would rather be a girl is ‘so I can play with my boobies all day long’. We can’t blame them - Here are just a few reasons why dicks beat chicks any day. The World Is Your Urinal. Have you ever been getting crunk at a party or in town and looked for the ladies’ toilet, only to find a line of eight other equally-as-plastered girls waiting for the toilet? (Chances are the occupant inside has passed out anyway.) So you wait and wait until it’s your turn to find the bowl covered in vomit and period blood. But you desperately need to pee, so you endure the possible viral infections and hover over the seat, at which point you discover there’s no toilet paper left. Guys on the other hand have the advantage of just flopping out their diddles and pissing in or on anything they can aim at. No need to wipe - just piss, shake and zip. ‘Ready In Ten’…And You Really Mean It. A 6 minute shower, a spray of deodorant, get dressed and, if you’re a metrofag, a bit of hair gel. Within 10 minutes you’re ready to go out and be seen by the public. No need to prime your face for foundation, no need to shave your legs in the shower or tweeze your eyebrow hairs. This might in fact be why the Met is such a sausage fest at 12am; the girls are still at home trying to figure out what to wear. Brawn. Guys seem to be immune to disgusting, crawly greeny-brown things with wiggly little legs and tiny beady eyes. How can someone just pick up a bug, stare at it and pop it in the garden? Must be a guy thing. So many girls find themselves deeply shamed when a guy opens a jar for them, so they struggle and struggle and break their pathetic bony wrists just to open a jar of chow chow. Somehow guys can do this with such ease – even the skinniest, scawniest boy can open a jar easier than a mustachioed behemoth of a butch girl. A secret for you weak girls out there: put the jar under a hot tap, dry it and the expanded metal in the lid should make it twist open easier. Or just imagine the jar has a bug on it. Flowers Can Fix Everything. “Sorry I was late home. Here, I bought you flowers.” “Sorry I forgot our anniversary. Here, I bought you flowers.” “Sorry I killed your cat. Here, I bought you flowers.” “Sorry I cheated on you. Here, I bought you

IN UNISON

WORDS: LUCY ZHOU

flowers.” “Sorry I had sex with your mother. Here, I bought you flowers.” I love flowers. Rugby Talk: Boys Have Made-Up Secret Languages, Too. Carter’s overrated. The SA’s got a competitive line-up, but it’s still nowhere near their best. You’d be pretty ignorant not to have Evans on the bench. I for one wouldn’t be that confident if Carter got injured and Evans wasn’t in the reserves. He just needs a bit more time at fullback, and honestly, I wouldn’t put much between their defensive and attacking abilities either. I have to say, Carter’s slowly coming back into form and McAlister was definitely more comfortable at 2nd 5, but hopefully they won’t play him at centre again. So’oialo put in another solid performance and Thorne actually tried running with the ball - even if he didn’t beat any defenders, at least he was trying something different I guess. Couldn’t say if it got him a WC ticket though. Rugby talk? She’s A Slut; He’s The Man. It doesn’t matter how many chicks a guy gets to bone in one night: if he roots one he’s the man; if he roots eight, he’s still the man. It’s a pity girls don’t get this option: they are either a slut if they put out, or a prude if they don’t. Even the phrase ‘put out’ – it never occurs to anyone that they might actually fancy a shag themselves. While it’s true that the grass is always greener on the other side, in this case it really is a whole lot greener. Apart from prostate cancer and catching your willy in your zipper, being a guy is much, much less stressful than being a girl. If you’re now thinking about switching sides, there are some competitivelypriced student packages in Thailand (also known as Ladyboy-land), you can get the full works – breast removal, pectoral implants, vaginoplasty and mandible restructuring – all for less than $10k. So, what are you waiting for? Call up Studylink, get reimbursed for your transport expenses and get on your way to a new way of life. Or at least, an interestfree pecker.

20August Monday

LLING

GUIIGDE

COUNSE

COLUMN

Read Raw Pioneer Hall, 7pm Cnr. Freyberg & High St Free rehearsed readings and discussion of developing plays by emerging Auckland playwrights. This week: Brett Simpson.

23August Thursday Quick Fix Unitec Theatre, 7pm Runs till Saturday 25 Bookings via iticket.co.nz Year 1 directing and writing students perform original plays in their first public presentation.

24August Friday Rhombus: Winter Tour Galatos, 9pm Tickets from Real Groovy & Conch Records Featuring Hayley J Hansell, DJ Meltron, DJ Koa, Choice1 and The Retainers. Vodafone Warriors vs. Manly Warrington Sea Eagles* Mt Smart Stadium Bookings via ticketek.co.nz *no actual sea eagles involved, manly or otherwise. I’m pretty sure the other guys aren’t real warriors, either.

29August Wednesday Hatch Glen Eden Playhouse, 8pm Bookings via 836 8000 ext. 8167 Stuart Devenie stars in the twisted true story of Joseph Hatch, ex-Mayor of Invercargill and slaughterer of more than three million penguins. Bizarre.

31August Friday The Real Thing Silo Theatre, 8pm Runs till 29 September Bookings via ticketmaster.co.nz Art, sex, sacrifice, and the politics of loving. A play by Tom Stoppard, starring Cameron Rhodes, Claire Chitham, Paul Ellis and Unitec graduates Brian Rankin and Michelle Blundell.

01September Saturday Class Act Unitec Theatre, 7pm Runs till Wednesday 05 Bookings via iticket.co.nz Year 1 acting students share scenes, songs and dances they have worked on during their first year of study.

Some years ago I was on K’ Road walking home from a few drinks with friends when I stopped at a burger bar for takeaways. Initially there were just two of us waiting and later another man joined us. I was in the middle. At first we were all quiet but the last to join us then suddenly demanded to know why the other man had “looked at him”. The first man denied having done so. Again we went quiet until the third man insisted even more loudly that the first man had looked at him “like he was some sort of fag”. Gradually an argument followed as the first became more insistent that the first was “ a queer fag” while the latter denied this vehemently. Eventually these two ostensibly heterosexual men finished up rolling around fighting on the footpath. Each was defending his heterosexuality and, no doubt, perceived masculinity. It would seem we are afraid of ourselves. We know we have to do the manhood thing. You know be strong, quiet and independent etc. Modern life also demands that we be more relational and able to be intimate. But who do we be intimate and relational with? It would seem that it might be ok to be this way with women and our children. But don’t get close with other men! The women of today seem to be asking men to get sorted and be more emotionally present with them. Fair enough. Be able to recognise we are actually having feelings and, what’s more, be able to tell them what we’re experiencing. What about the next steps? Will men ever learn to be intimate with other men? (Can a father relate to his son and can a man relate to his best buddy?) I can even feel the pressure as I write this to quickly clarify this as intimacy, not sex. My talks with Unitec guys have made it clear the two are often muddled. There is a cost to this lack of intimacy. It’s called isolation and loneliness. Men seem to only notice it when things go wrong. If there’s a crisis (lose a girlfriend, bad exam results etc) women seem to have their friendships they’ve been nurturing all along while we guys, at best, seem to have just drinking buddies. So men have a reputation for not coping well and getting violent or self destructive in such a crisis. Sometimes this very isolation is what leads guys to keep getting drunk at parties with our classmates. We just can’t find anybody to really connect with so drinking more is all that seems available. I know this topic lends itself to all sorts of send ups as guys assume some kind of extreme “bleeding heart” is the next step. It’s not. Talking honestly and openly with just one friend in private actually takes courage, is authentic and worthwhile. If you are struggling with issues around intimacy we might be able to help. Rick Cusack Counselling Centre (Bldg 48) Ph. 815 4321 ext. 8160

INUNISON

FULL CREDIT

Gender inequity has been evident right throughout history pretty much forever. And to be honest, I have felt it. I am so sick of the norms of society, the informal rules and etiquette that require us to act a certain way. For example, men are supposed to open the door and let women go through first. Not anymore: it’s equality from here on in. First in, first served is my motto. Let me take off my shoe and put it on the other foot. General household chores can still be split right down the middle, but men should be doing the laundry, cooking meals and cleaning bathrooms, and women should be mowing the lawns, chain-sawing trees and changing the oil in the car, all on a rotational basis of course. I can’t believe women still take the last name of the man they marry. What year are we living in, 1842? Keep your name! In 2003, Annika Sorenstam thought along these lines – well, maybe not that extreme, but still – when she competed against MEN at a PGA tour event. She was curious as to how she would stack up against the opposite sex in a sporting competition. While many pro golfers were sitting on the fence with this issue, some were very, very upset. Two-time PGA championship winner Vijay Singh brought the controversy to fever pitch when he told reporters, “She doesn’t belong here. If I’m drawn with her, which I won’t be, I won’t play.” Golf has rules and a lot of them. It’s very traditional and old school, and it might sound like Vijay has a good case. But the real reason is completely obvious: he does not want to be beaten by a woman. Let’s try that in caps lock. HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE BEATEN BY A WOMAN! Think of the ramifications. If he was

IN UNISON

WORDS: MATT ALPE

Men vs Women – The Ultimate Challenge

paired with her, and he lost, can you imagine what his life would be like? The sleepless nights. The endless taunting by spectators at every tournament he played. Whenever he would play a casual game with his mates, they would always request he use the ladies’ tee. As it turned out, Vijay took back his harsh remarks, Annika got cut after the second round, and we can all look back on this and laugh. End of story. Beginning of new story. Billie Jean King vs Bobby Riggs. This ultimate battle of the sexes took place on a tennis court in Houston, Texas in 1973. Riggs, who was 55 at the time, was a three-time former world number one. He came out of retirement to challenge the 30 year-old King, now considered one of the greatest female athletes of all time. He believed the female game was inferior and that a top female player could not beat him. “Just women”, he would proclaim. “Simply too weak” he insisted. But the plot thickens. Billie Jean King used her tennis ‘smarts’ to tactically nullify Bobby Riggs’ game plan of drop shots and lobs. She defeats Riggs 6-4, 6-3, 6-3 and women the world over were all like, ‘that’s whats up’. That last thing didn’t really happen, but the win did. If there is anything you should take away from this, all I want to say is that we should play together for the love of the game, instead of concentrating all our time and efforts on finding out which is the better sex. Everyone knows it’s dudes anyway.

Email your questions to Barbie and Ken inunisonbarbie@hotmail.com

DEAR KEN Dear Ken, I’ve got an idea to liven up Unitec: Key Chain Appreciation Week. For a whole week, every time you meet a new person, you take out your keys and have a conversation about where you got your key chain, why you chose that particular one, how long you’ve had it, etc. Good idea, don’t you think? - Jingles Dear Jingles, Actually, it’s terrible. Dear Ken, My mate Darren is going out with a mental chick. He told her she dumped him, but she said no, and she says they’re still together, and he sort of goes along and puts up with her. How can we make sure he gets rid of her? -Spine Dear Spine, Sorry, bro. In my experience when you sign up with a mental chick, you’re stuck with her for life. With regular people, the rules are only one person has to say so to break up, and both people have to say so to commit. With mentals, the rules are that you commit when she says so and you break up when she says so. Sad but true. Dear Ken, I’m in a relationship and I am mystified by the fact that our gender roles have reversed: he does the cooking, the clinging, the whining…and I just want to have my own space, go out with the boys and not have to deal with any of this namby-pamby shit. How do I get him to act like a man again? - The One Who Wears The Pants

Dear One Who Wears The Pants, Sounds like he’s not drinking enough. See that he gets a bit of Dutch courage and he’ll be a good old bloke again: abusive, lazy, forcing you to cook for him and out all night murdering hookers to your heart’s content.

Dear Ken, A friend has invited me to a fundraising evening involving the new Adam Sandler movie where he marries a fat dude or something. I’m more than happy to help out by forking over cash and setting aside an evening, but I really don’t wanna see this stupid ridiculous movie. How can I get out of it without looking like an asshole who doesn’t wanna help her out? - Bacon Dear Bacon, You are under no obligation to go. Imagine if someone said they were raising money for a new kindergarten, so please come along to our dog-fighting fundraiser. Adam Sandler movies, which are much, much worse than dog-fighting, bear no comparison.

DEAR KEN

INUNISON

CAPTION COMP

THIS WEEK’S PICTURE

WINNING ENTRY

“First AIDS spread from monkeys to humans. Now we get back at them with dyslexia.” Congratulations, You! Swing by the USU office with your student ID to collect your prize.

Come up with a caption for this photo and be in to win a free $10 food and drink voucher from Carrington’s! Email your caption to: inunison@unitec.ac.nz or txt 021 022 72536 Competition closes: Mon 27th August

COMMENDATIONS “Landscape architecture has sunk to new lows with its admission requirements.” –Tris “The average In Unison reader hasn’t really kept up with evolution!” –Cole

CATS IS NOT

#68:

THINGS

CATS IS

Gene Simmons.

NOT

TOOTHPASTE FOR DINNER

A COMIC BY DREW

Drawing by Drew from www.toothpastefordinner.com

ENDITORIAL

This Issue

Next issue

Hackneyed: women do this, but men do this Not A Goer: Ladder Theory Check The Website: itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s on there What: www.usu.co.nz Also Not A Goer: urinal reviews And: well, the covers

Crooks & Liars: the USU general election More Crooks & Liars: Spirituality Week write-up No Confidence: why voting is for suckas Controversial, Some: yes

THE BACK

INUNISON

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CHECK YOUR EMAIL FOR THE LINK TO VOTE

• • •

VOTE FOR YOUR LECTURER OF THE YEAR IDENTIFY UNITEC’S AREAS OF TEACHING EXCELLENCE

WIN GREAT PRIZES

A LAPTOP, CARRINGTON’S VOUCHERS, WESTFIELD VOUCHERS

USU’s expanded Lecturer of the Year competition gives you the chance to contribute to the quality of your education.

ITE

usu

STU

Any questions email usueducation@unitec.ac.nz

In previous years we’ve just asked for your favourite lecturer but in 2007 we want to be a bit more sophisticated. So we’ve gone online and we ask a couple of interesting questions to ensure it’s a serious measure of academic quality.

AT ’A SSOCIATION

S T N E T CON

FEATURES

08. Women’s Studies: an interview with auto apprentice Ludi Beatson

10. Why I Am Still A Woman, Also By Lucy Zhou

REGULARS

For editorial and advertising enquiries please contact:

usu.

Credits Editor: Rory MacKinnon News Editor: Josephine Stewart-Te Whiu Designer: Mark Lovatt Ad Designer: Talia Smith

Contributors Adam Beach Hamish Oakley Lucy Zhou Matt Alpe Nathan Champion

Issue 10: The Women’s Issue, Monday 20 August

Telephone (09) 815 4321 ext: 7927 Facsimile (09) 846 3381 Email inunison@unitec.ac.nz PO Box 44 016, Point Chevalier

04. Editorial 05. Letters 06. First Lady’s Tirade 07. News 11. Gig Guide 12. Jose’s Corner 13. Dear Barbie 14. Caption Comp 15. Enditorial

RIA EDITO

04 IN IN UNISON UNISON

EDITORIAL

WORDS: RORY MACKINNON

THIS ISSUE’S QUESTION

TEXT POLL

Re: Mrs. Judith Dobson / Mr. Rory MacKinnon

]

Should we ban anonymous funding of election campaigns?

LETTERS

Mr MacKinnon, I am writing on behalf of my client, Ms. Dobson, to request that you CEASE & DESIST your harassing and intimidating actions against Ms. Dobson, her family and associates. My client alleges that you made several drunken phone calls to her over a two-week period, insisting that she run away with you “to start our own little magazine-format weekday programming schedule somewhere”. When she refused, you became threatening and accused her of being “a fiendish harpy” and “a fickle, black-hearted mistress, just like Mary” [see also the attached action for defamation from my other client, Ms. Lambie]. My client also alleges that you visited her home twice, on the first occasion standing in her driveway with a rose between your teeth and a copy of Next magazine (featuring my client) covering your genital area. On the second occasion, you were detained by police, who found on your person a bottle of chloroform, a paint-roller and a colorful array of cushion covers.

TXT in your opinion and be in to win food & drink vouchers from Carrington’s, Unitec’s new licensed venue!

021 022 72536 TXT POLL RESULTS

What would be the best name for our League team?

SPARTANS

‘SMARDIES’

UNICORNS

PUKEKOS

Kenneth Bosch QC Hobson, Hobson & Bosch

GRIZZLIES

Should you and/or your associates pursue these activities in violation of this CEASE & DESIST letter, we will not hesitate to pursue further legal action against you and/or your associates including, but not limited to, civil action and/or criminal complaints. That being said, Pwhoar, I reckon, aye? Kind Regards,

SAMPLE OF YOUR OPINIONS

If you’re sick of waiting two weeks to see yourself in print, you’ll be happy to hear that In Unison is now online! All articles are archived, with comments enabled and a regular blog. So get online and get your rant on. www.usu.co.nz

“The USU Pukekos! *mumbles ‘those bloody pukekos’*” “The USU Pukekos… Because you cannot walk around the Mt Albert campus without seeing at least 1 pukeko…Something that makes Unitec’s environment special.” “USU SMARDIES. Referring 2 dea brains” “USU SPARTANS!!!”

THE FIRST LADY’S TIRADE

Y ’S

THE FIRST LAD

TIRADE

[Liza Nel is a Communications student in her final year of study. Nel is also the partner of USU President Adam Beach: hence, the USU First Lady. –Ed] Doing the communications programme is great fun, but not when you are a female looking to meet some blokes, as we are 5:1 females to males. However, if you are interested in females, welcome to heaven.

finally join them in the communications programme. The world will then, finally, have modern Tarzan men with not just good looks but also good communication skills (a dream come true!).

Many conversations with my lonely female friends focused on why there is a lack of men in our communications programme. We concluded: firstly, men do not really seem to be interested in communicating (they roll on their side and go to sleep) and secondly, men think they really don’t need communication to survive and have a good time. There might be some truth in the second point as men have, over the centuries, been able to attract women (and satisfy their physiological needs on Maslow’s hierarchy) by primarily relying on their macho image. The only way to change this would probably be for women to make the first move, with good communication skills as a prerequisite for a potential fling. I am sure this will make a difference for my depressed female friends, as men would

Nevertheless, I really miss not having more men in our program. Not because I am looking for a man (Tarzan already got me), but because men bring balance to the classroom. Too much oestrogen or testosterone (the UATI boys would know what I am talking about) in a class and you basically get the same way of thinking, which is really boring. But when a discussion includes both genders, it is much more interesting as men usually focus on the humour and the women on the emotional side of a topic. I really feel sorry for male-dominated classes, which are probably less fun. But alas it similarly applies to female-dominated classes. Liza Nel First Lady

USU CONTACTS PO Box 44016, Point Chevalier 139 Carrington Rd, Gate 4 Rm 1004, Building 180 Auckland www.usu.co.nz

IN UNISON

USU Reception (bus tickets, secondhand books) The Hub, Bld 180, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 8600 e: usu@unitec.ac.nz

Student Job Search (SJS) The Hub, Bld 180, Unitec p: (09) 846 9910 e: unitec@sjs.co.nz

MEDIA, In Unison Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7927 e: inunison@unitec.ac.nz

ADVOCACY (Student Problems) Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7924 e: usuadvocate@unitec.ac.nz

EVENTS Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7925 e: usuevents@unitec.ac.nz

THE FIST LADY’S TIRADE

usu@unitec.ac.nz

Ajay General Exec Half A Person

usu@unitec.ac.nz

Frank General Exec Trying

usu@unitec.ac.nz

Kaushik General Exec Even

usu@unitec.ac.nz

Greg General Exec Not

usu@unitec.ac.nz

Beryl International Rep We’re

usutreas@unitec.ac.nz

Trace Treasurer I Am Woman

usuvicepres@unitec.ac.nz

Hemi Maori Rep Fat Bottomed Girls

USU EXECUTIVE

SPORTS Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7930 e: ususport@unitec.ac.nz USU PRESIDENT Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7929 e: usupresident@unitec.ac.nz

NEWS

BMW HIRES UNITEC DANCERS FOR EXHIBITION OPENING By Josephine Stewart-Te Whiu

Students from Unitec’s School of Performing and Screen Arts wowed the crowds at the official opening of the Auckland Museum’s BMW Art Cars exhibition. An exploration of the development of art, design and technology, the exhibition features four cars designed and painted in the 1970’s and 80’s by some of the 20th

century’s most famous artists: minimalist painter and sculptor Frank Stella, American pop artist Roy Lichtenstein, and iconographer Andy Warhol. First-years Amanda Macfarlane, Bianca Hyslop and Sarah Lwaskow and third-year Katie Just were four of six performers covered head to toe in body paint to replicate the cars on display, and performed

a dance piece choreographed by Unitec graduate Katie Burton. Unitec’s dance degree is one of the longeststanding fulltime dance programmes within New Zealand, and has a strong reputation as a provider of professional talent to New Zealand’s dance community.

MORE BREASTS FOR UNITEC By Nathan Champion

An MP’s proposal to make breastfeeding in public a woman’s right could mean more bare breasts on display at Unitec. Labour MP Steve Chadwick’s Infant Feeding Bill was submitted to the ballot earlier this month after a number of complaints were made to the Human Rights Commission about breastfeeding mothers being told to “move on” in public places, such as cafés, schools, libraries, swimming pools and even in hospitals, parks and early childhood centres. If passed into law, the bill would ensure that wherever a mother is rightfully allowed to be with her child, the mother will have the right to breastfeed her child. The effects of the Bill could also be seen around Unitec, as two early childhood centres are situated on the Mt Albert campus and a number of breastfeeding mothers attend classes. The Hub, Cactus, Carrington’s, Café 79 and The Long Black

would all be legally required to allow mothers to breastfeed on their premises. However the proposed Bill has met with criticism from the Opposition and those in the industry, with National MP John Hayes describing the bill as ‘nonsense territory’. “I absolutely support breastfeeding, but we don’t need legislation to help mothers do what they do normally and naturally.” Hospitality Association CEO Bruce Robertson agrees: “[Complaints] will occur and have occurred, but it is such a minor occurrence that it doesn’t warrant legislation.” The Infant Feeding Bill has been submitted as a private member’s bill and must wait to be drawn before it is debated in Parliament.

A man says this... “These [café owners] are probably all fucking men. They are treating mothers like dirty smokers if they make breastfeeders leave the café. How can you take away that essential right for a mother to breastfeed her baby and a baby’s right to be fed?” –Tahl Kennedy, BPSA “It’s so natural, its one of the most natural things out there, why now should we be ashamed of it?” –Chris Campbell, BPSA

...But a woman says this! “I reckon it’s kind of yuck to be honest, like if it’s whorey for chicks to get their tits out usually, then shouldn’t that include breastfeeding?” –Sarah Florence, BDes “Rather than compromising your baby’s health, you should have the right to do what’s right for your baby” –Courtney Chittenden, BPSA

NEWS

INUNISON 07

IN UNISON

FEATURE

WOMEN’S STUDIES Ludi Beatson arrives for our interview dressed in a candy-pink polo shirt and clutching a Supre carrier bag. Nothing unusual about that, but it’s not quite what you’d expect of a 23 year-old mechanic from Dunedin. A former early childhood teacher, Ludi is now one of only a handful of girls enrolled in Unitec’s school of Applied Technology studying automotive engineering. And while kids and cars are an odd combination, but Ludi’s passion for both is evident. “[They’re] two things that I love. I’ve got my diploma in Early Childhood, and I can always come back to it. I definitely plan to later in life, but mechanics is what I want to do now.” “I’ve always been interested in cars and fixing [things]. When I was younger I went and grabbed Dad’s chainsaw and pulled off every little nut and bolt I could, until I had a big long line of parts all along the driveway.” Not that she could put it back together again, but that’s another story. It still took some adjusting when she arrived in Auckland at the beginning of this year and found herself the only girl in her class. “I was hoping for one other [female] friend to help me, but the bunch of guys I’m with are really good… I don’t miss the girly cattiness that I found in my other classes in Early Childhood. If guys get grumpy, they just get over it.” So is she one of the boys now? “I’m one of the guys up to a point… but some of them are a little bit protective of me. Say we’re standing outside class; they let me go in first. They tone down their language.” Ludi says it’s not necessarily a bad thing, either. “Sometimes guys’ manners need to be fine-tuned. I don’t expect special treatment, but you’re still a lady. Out in society you don’t go and cuss off to a lady, and I think it’s good for them to show they have that kind of attitude.” On the whole, Ludi says it’s been much easier than she expected: customers and classmates give her plenty of positive feedback, and employers are beginning to recognise the unique skills women mechanics possess, such as a better short-term memory and eye for detail. Ludi also says that as a woman, she tends to be more relaxed on the job. “I’m serious when I have to be, but I laugh a lot. It’s not good to have a workplace that’s stressed out all the time.” It doesn’t hurt for Ludi to have an A- average on her studies so far, either.

Outside of class, Ludi describes herself as a “girly-girl”, although you wouldn’t know it from her hobbies. She is the former owner of a Turbo Galant, she attends car shows and dreams of working on high-performance cars when she completes her Certificate. She’s also a fan of drifting, a sport in which drivers deliberately fishtail for dramatic effect, and spends the odd weekend shooting on her dad’s farm. “I’ve finally got my gun license, so the 12-gauge in my closet is all legal Tegel now”, she laughs. So the question must be asked of this gun-toting grease monkey: is Ludi in fact a lesbian feminazi butch dyke? The answer, not surprisingly, is no. “I was aware of that stereotype coming in. You walk past people in your overalls and your steel-cap boots, and you hear people behind your back. They’ll say something to their mates, and you’ll hear them laughing, whether it’s ‘hey, you look hot in your overalls’ or ‘dyke’… At the start, I was like ‘what did you say?’, and make them say it to my face, but now it’s like ‘well, if you guys want to be dicks, go ahead. You’re not going to get in my way.’” So perhaps not a feminazi, but a feminist? Ludi is still uncomfortable with the label: in her mind, she’s not doing this for anyone but herself. “I’m not trying to make a point that I’m a girl doing a guy’s thing. Yes, I believe that girls can do anything, but I’m not out to prove anything to anyone. I’m just doing what I love.” “I’m just a real country girl, and that’s the way I was brought up. Why should I conform to society just because it’s what they say I should do?” But perhaps Ludi is more of a role model than she thinks. When asked if she has anything she wants to add to this interview, she responds with words of encouragement for would-be women mechanics. “Don’t hold back. Just give it a try, and if you want to do it, you’ll find ways to make it work. I love it; I wouldn’t change it for anything.”

WHY I AM STILL A WOMAN Girls are sexy, made out of Pepsi. We also outlive men by an average of 3 ½ years, produce 40% less sweat than men and have infinitely more interesting footwear, although that doesn’t rhyme nearly as well. But there are plenty more reasons why women waste men, easy. Free Stuff. Seriously, you’d be amazed. Even the most independent woman finds herself showered with offers of dinner, party invitations and jewellery. Hell, even playing as a female character in World of Warcraft will attract random gifts of gold, weapons and armor from lonely nerds with a misplaced sense of chivalry. We Have Something You Don’t. It’s a cheap shot, but let’s face it: soft, supple, perky tits are what most guys dream about every night when they lay themselves to bed. And don’t we know how to flaunt it? It’s Not Your Fault, But We’ll Sure As Hell Make You Feel Like It. Girls have an excuse to be a bitch for one week every month, during which we get to binge on chocolate and cry and do whatever the hell we want. In 53 states in America, PMS is a legal defense for murder*. So be careful what you say around women. You might end up like John Wayne Bobbitt. The menstrual cycle is a complex thing.

referred to him as ‘sir’, or (c) was still in a wet bikini, as were my three friends? (Unfortunately (c) doesn’t work on female officers.) I’m not sure what guys could do. Maybe try some padding and wear mascara. We’re Not Short, We’re Petite. If you’re short and female, it’s cute. If you’re tall and female, you’re leggy and can lie about your former modeling career. If you’re a short guy though, no one wants to get in your pants, and tall men are doomed to a lifetime of insecurities as they wonder whether their girlfriends are only with them because they can reach stuff on the top shelf. But as awesome as our lifestyle is, it simply wouldn’t be possible without men – at least, not without a small stepladder. But until then, it’s very much a case of ‘can’t live with them, can’t get them to pay your rent as well’. Only joking. Insights, additions or righteous indignation can be sent to inunison@unitec.ac.nz.

Speeding Tickets Are An Urban Legend. Girls treat speeding tickets like zombies or Brian Tamaki’s political aspirations: unpleasant to consider, but highly unlikely. To illustrate: I was 16 and on my learners, driving three friends back from the beach at 120km in a 100km zone. I was quickly pulled over by a police car and just as quickly given a friendly warning, with strict orders to enjoy the rest of my day. Was it that I (a) smiled politely, (b) spoke respectfully, apologized and

*Don’t try and argue with me, you insensitive jerk. Can’t you see I’m upset?

IN UNISON

WORDS: LUCY ZHOU

August Monday

GIIGDE GU

Read Raw Pioneer Hall, 7pm Cnr. Freyberg & High St Free rehearsed readings and discussion of developing plays by emerging Auckland playwrights. This week: Brett Simpson.

Unitecs only licenced café

23August Thursday Quick Fix Unitec Theatre, 7pm Runs till Saturday 25 Bookings via iticket.co.nz Year 1 directing and writing students perform original plays in their first public presentation.

24August Friday Rhombus: Winter Tour Galatos, 9pm Tickets from Real Groovy & Conch Records Featuring Hayley J Hansell, DJ Meltron, DJ Koa, Choice1 and The Retainers.

Opening Hours Monday - Friday 10am - 10pm

Vodafone Warriors vs. Manly Warrington Sea Eagles* Mt Smart Stadium Bookings via ticketek.co.nz *no actual sea eagles involved, manly or otherwise. I’m pretty sure the other guys aren’t real warriors, either.

- Light snacks to full meals - Full bar service - Located in Building 33, next to rugby fields on campus - Renovated brick built Victorian pump house dating back to late 1800’s

www.carringtons.co.nz Carrington’s Café, Building 33 Unitec Campus, Carrington Road, Point Chevalier, Auckland.

JOSE’S CORNER I was having a terrible day recently. I had the ‘flu and my voice sounded like shit. I was on my way to a film festival movie and needed gas for my car, so I stopped at the petrol station. After putting a meagre ten dollars into my tank in an effort to stop the gas light blinking at me, I went inside to pay. As I held out my eftpos card to pay the attendant asked me “is there anything else, sir?” I was mortified! My first instinct was to jump over the counter, grab him and demand if he knew who I was, and how dare he etc, etc. Instead I croakily replied ‘no’ and hung my head in shame as I slunk out of the gas station to my friends waiting in the car. I told them. They laughed and pointed at me. Ah yes, gender. I cut my hair pixie-ish short when I was seventeen and I haven’t let it grow long again. As a result I guess I do have this sort-of-androgynous look. I have adapted to being called a boy as well. My old soccer coach used to call me “the boy” or “new boy”, and I was always cast as the male lead in my plays at school (I went to an all-girls’ school). To be honest, I think gender is bullshit. I love it when people blur the lines. To me, there is nothing sexier than someone who looks androgynous (well, my idea of androgyny anyway, which is that post-art-school-I’mreally-bad-but-a-total-nerd-at-heart look. I never had a Barbie doll growing up. I don’t know why actually. Perhaps my mum wouldn’t allow it, but I never had one. I had dolls but I don’t really remember playing with them too much, except to give them operations. My mum had a sewing room, so I used to cut them open and then sew them back up. My favourite games were playing on this tree thing which I imagined was a giant horse and playing with sticks and killing ants with them (I don’t know if I should be publicly admitting that one). So I guess I was never conditioned to become a ‘girly-girl’. Besides wanting to be an actress, which is quite feminine, I really wanted to be a pilot. If it was raining I used to line up the dining room chairs like aeroplane seats and force my cousin to be the air hostess to my

IN UNISON

JOSE’S CORNER

pilot. And if it was sunny, I played on my favourite toy of all time, the trampoline, where I would try to touch the sky and imagined flying through those thick, heavy clouds. I became so obsessed with it that I started entering competitions in which you could win overseas trips, just so I could get on an aeroplane. I was seven or eight at the time and the most I won was a towel. My ex once told me that when she was five she received a toy iron and ironing board from a family friend for Christmas. Her mother was horrified and banned the offensive object. I use to wonder if her mother regretted it when she realised her daughter was in a relationship with me. I guess I don’t really have much to say about gender, because I don’t really believe in it that much. I can’t help but feel a flicker of ‘that person must be quite insecure’ when I see someone dressed ultra-femme in pink, frills and heels (especially when it’s freezing), or if I meet some macho asshole who gets off on being some sort of alpha male. People are fucking crazy man, but that’s what makes them so interesting, and that’s what makes me want to be an actor. I’ll fly in my spare time. PS- It’s funny how I struggle to stick to the issue’s theme. I just end up telling stories about my childhood and my drug-induced visions. My classmates told me I came off looking like quite the fiend in my last issue, so I just want you all to know that I’m not that bad, I’m just young and have to try things and experiment for the sake of art and journalism. Until next time, ladies, gentlemen.

Email your questions to Barbie and Ken inunisonbarbie@hotmail.com

DEAR BARBIE Dear Barbie, Why don’t you do a text poll on whether the Barbie column should be cut from In Unison. The classified ads in the last issue were way funnier, the dude who wrote them should take your space. - Too Hot Dear Too Hot, I wrote those too, you egg.

Dear Barbie, In your last issue you referred to some ideas for In Unison columns and said they were bad. I thought “Staff Celebrity Lookalikes” is an excellent idea. Since the beginning of this semester I have already seen clones of Kevin Milne, Harold from Neighbours, Donald Sutherland, and the Briscoes lady all on campus. Please could you do a photorama of all these (mostly unfortunate) staff members? - Pan Dear Pan, Space in this publication is limited and we can only run material of the highest possible quality, as this issue clearly demonstrates. I know we could run features on the drummer from U2 who roams the halls of one department, or the young Henry VIII, or Dick Cheney. But we cannot afford to waste this opportunity to feature four of Rory’s editorials in a single issue. One of them might even be funny.

Dear Barbie, We are arguing over whether or not to take someone who answered our ad for a flatmate. Everyone else thinks she is “okay, I suppose” but I’m against her solely on the basis that when she looked at the place she said “okey-dokes” more than once. She didn’t seem to be joking or sarcastic. I think it is an ominous sign. What do you think? - Spurious Dear Spurious, You are well within your rights. “Okeydokes” is a ghastly word suitable for use only by over-enthusiastic Australian television commentators. This is a big deal, and you shouldn’t lower your standards. I have unceremoniously jilted lovers for offences such as laughing at Rob Schneider, using “/” instead of “÷”, and having naff screen savers. A flatmate is similar. Show no mercy.

DEAR BARBIE & KEN

INUNISON

CAPTION COMP

THIS WEEK’S PICTURE

WINNING ENTRY

“First AIDS spread from monkeys to humans. Now we get back at them with dyslexia.” Congratulations, You! Swing by the USU office with your student ID to collect your prize.

COMMENDATIONS Come up with a caption for this photo and be in to win a free $10 food and drink voucher from Carrington’s! Email your caption to: inunison@unitec.ac.nz or txt 021 022 72536 Competition closes: Mon 27th August

SNIFFLES & COUGH

“The average In Unison reader hasn’t really kept up with evolution!” –Cole “Hmm… My accountant was right, I should have sold those shares.” “Scientists say that you can tell how intelligent an animal is by how focused they are when staring at pornographic images.” –Boko Great

CATS IS NOT

THINGS

#8:

CATS IS

Art.

NOT NATALIE DEE

Drawing by Natalie Dee from www.natalied..com

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