inunison#4-2007 by USU Students' Association at Unitec

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CONTENTS

For editorial and advertising enquiries please contact:

FEATURES

12.Selling Yourself For Fun And Profit 14.The In Unison Op Shop Challenge 18.Blockbusters On A Budget: The Fanimatrix 23.Cheap Eats & Cheap Meats: Food on a budget 28.Poetry Competion Winner

usu. Telephone (09) 815 4321 ext: 7927 Facsimile (09) 846 3381 Email inunison@unitec.ac.nz PO Box 44 016, Point Chevalier Credits Editor: Rory MacKinnon News Editor: Bronwyn Bent Features Editor: Lucy Zhou Designer: Mark Lovatt Ad Designer: Talia Smith

Disclaimer Opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of the publishers. Submission and contributors are welcome, but the publisher reserves the right to select and edit the material submitted. Materials submitted will remain property of the publisher, unless alternative arrangements are made.

Issue 4: The El Cheapo Issue, Monday 23 April 2007

Contributors: Adam Beach Andrew Scoresby Anna Kaye-Forsyth Carla Goebel Corinne Duis Craig Larnder Debbie Mallory Drew Hamish Oakley Josie Brrar Josephine Stewart-Te Whiu Josephine Searles Julz Thom Kieran Clark Laura Bond Matt Alpe Shane G Norris Stephanie Bennett Vaipage Liveti

REGULARS

04. Editorials 05. Letters 06. Presidentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Tirade 08. News 09. Sporting News 19. Vox Pops: Graduate edition 20. Gig Guide 22. Student Support 25. Full Credit 26. Joseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Corner 27. The Village People 36. Dear Barbie 37. Just A Minute with Gish 38. Caption Comp 39. Enditorial

REVIEWS

28.Geek 29.Arts 31.Audio 32.Foreword 34.Screen

EDITORIAL

SOMEONE’S CHUCKED THEIR LOLLIES.

If there’s anything the past few weeks have taught me, it’s that symbols and ceremonies will never change your world. Bleak, I know, but it began with a celebration- Graduation, to be precise. As much as I enjoyed seeing all my classmates all over again and mugging for cameras and molesting President Beach, I was very aware of the ‘silly hat’ factor. It wasn’t lost on me that in Council Chairman Ted Van Arkel’s address, we were congratulated on all our hard work and investment by a man with an honorary degree. To my cynical mind, society’s real recognition of my graduate status arrived when I got home to find a letter from my bank cheerfully informing me that I was now eligible for their credit cards and contents insurance schemes. There are lies we all choose to believe, and one of them is that tertiary education is still about higher learning, rather than churning out more active consumers to stimulate the economy.

EWS GOOD N FOR ERE WAITAK

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Well, not all. Yet even students who recognise this, who are angered by the way they are used and abused by their elders through Government legislation and fee hikes, are sucked in by the popular lie of the Left: that every protest counts. For example: Some of you (hopefully most) will be aware that the calculated total student debt in New Zealand recently hit $9 billion dollars. I’ll say that again. Nine (9) BILLION dollars, as opposed to zero ($0.00) in 1989. How did student associations respond?

While I’m not some po-faced, funhating pseudo-revolutionary, I am nonetheless dismayed at how tired and non-confrontational these tactics are. Bullshit-and-jellybeans rallies are no longer sufficient to pull media focus or catch the ear of the ‘real’ politicians. On my worst days I wonder whether these student politicians pay lip-service to protestation, just as our educators pay lip-service to education. It seems to me that real change in the affordability of education will only come from relentless lobbying and principled student voters.

The Debt Monster. A guy in a furry green suit with ‘DEBT MONSTER’ stitched on the front. A mock wedding, held in their quad. A day of mourning (with a sausage sizzle and band), also held in their quad.

The power of furry suits and shotgun weddings is a long-outdated popular myth. Just like Easter.

Wassup everyone! My name is Vaipage Liveti, (that’s not French to those trying to pronounce it =). I am in my last semester of the BIC programme (Bachelor of International Communication YAY!) and am your Waitakere News Correspondent, so I am YOUR voice on what is going down at the Waitakere Campus. If you have a story, an insight or just want to make a shout out then drop me a line and we will get together

for coffee. Something interesting about me? I have an extra toe- psyche! No, I’m just as normal as all you lovely people! Truly, something interesting for you allthis winter I will be the only girl playing for an all-guys soccer team. Come watch us one day! I leave you with this to think about, “be the change you want to see in the world”. See you around campus! -VAI usunews@unitec.ac.nz

-RJM inunison@unitec.ac.nz

www.thefunniest.info

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I Like that picture of the seal, do you have a soft copy -Anon

Should the USU start a food bank for struggling students?

LETTER

Hi, I have just known that Unitec Health Care Center now has only one male doctor who does not provide consultation for female-related medical problems. Isn’t it disadvantageous for female students in need of medial advice? Should USU do something about this? -A Female Student

Cat On A Keyboard or Former Resident of Invercargill? YOU BE THE JUDGE! Oops sory em munit -Anon

TXT in your opinion and be in to win food & drink vouchers from Carrington’s, Unitec’s new licensed venue!

021 022 72536

TEXT POLL

Txt Poll Results Ye s

17%

Should Unitec become a University of Technology?

Carrington’s? Seriously Carrington’s licensed café… are you kidding me they named our student bar ‘Carrington’s licensed café’. Everyone knows that there was like an unspoken unanimous decision to call our bar the Pumphouse. Its perfect, for so many reasons… it fits, the décor for a student bar just shouldn’t be historical its just not right. Well whatever ya know, I’m just going to call it the Pumphouse anyway. I mean what kind of name is ‘Carrington’s’ it sounds like the name of some golf course or retirement village or mental institute or something. -Anon

Fair Call, Really

ie I Love You Jos

Because Cheap Beer Is All About Branding, Apparently

79%

LETTERS POLICY Letters should be 250 words or less. You MUST include your real name, phone number and address so we don’t get sued (we won’t print them if you don’t want us to). We won’t spell-check it, but we might edit, abridge or decline it without explanation.

Sample of your opinions: “Yeah but not a ‘University of Technology…University’ ahem… AUT U.” “Yep =) al my friends think im a bum 4 not going 2 a ‘proper uni’ wtf!”

] CLASSIFIEDS: Carpool Wanted

Performing Arts student seeks carpool from Mairangi Bay, North Shore to Unitec Mt Albert. Classes from 8:30 – 4:30 Mon-Fri. Ph 476 4669.

2 Flatmates Wanted

Easy-going, to share 3brm house close to ‘Tec (6km), buses & trains. Unfurnished, off-street parking, pets welcome. $120pw plus exp. (power, phone). Ph Kelly 021 296 2466.

Lost Dog

Dante, Chihuahua/Bichon Frise, white & caramel shaggy coat. Missing from Hudson Brown Apartments behind Nokia Bldg. & Vector Arena 31st March. If spotted ph Jacqui 027 534 0933 or 377 5502.

“Nope 2 restrictive” “No. why should we stress for management’s ego?” “Josie yu gorgeous thng.i her d ur a gud dancer,I bet I can sho yu one or two thngs.wat are yadoin at anytime ths wek. ps nice smile” “hay wanna meat behind the library?”

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THE PRESIDENT’S TIRADE

Those of you that have loans will probably know that about a month ago the total student debt hit nine billion dollars. This just illustrates the terrible financial situation that students are forced to cope with in order to study. With that in mind and in an attempt to keep in with this issue’s theme (the El Cheapo Issue), I have come up with some tips for saving dosh: 1. Don’t drive if you don’t have to - not only will you save money and the environment, but by claiming you can’t drive you never have to be the designated driver. 2. Eat 2 minute noodles at least once a day – it may make your bones brittle, but if you don’t cook them you can even save on electricity.

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3. Recycle In Unison – this magazine is made out of quality paper and can substitute as toilet paper (after all it is soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent), a bath mat (may lead to injury and ACC payouts), home insulation, or collage ransom notes. UN

Apart from helpful (yet depressing) money saving hints I also have something positive to mention; the USU is taking on a new logo, which should hopefully reflect the USU more and give us a longer lasting symbol. The main elements of the logo

t’s

the presiden

tirade are a circle and a harakeke (flax plant). The circle is an unbroken line which symbolises our never-ending commitment to Unitec students. The flax plant shows the natural beauty of Unitec’s clean, green campus and the versatility of our association and its purpose, as the flax is traditionally used as a very important resource from everything to art and binding by the same token the USU provides many different services to its members. That’s enough from me but remember to grab your tickets for the comedy shows coming up in May. This week’s Pres question: Should the USU start a food bank for struggling students? Email your response to usupresident@unitec.ac.nz.

Adam Beach USU President

USU EXECUTIVE

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Beryl International Rep likes his tiramisu

Hemi Maori Rep will poke your banana

sevrain_beryl@hotmail.com

thegrovers@xtra.co.nz

Trace Treasurer punches Nazis

Kaushik General Exec craaawling in your skin

usutreas@unitec.ac.nz

kilohom@hotmail.com

Greg General Exec galactic hitchhiker

Professor Plum In the Ballroom with the candlestick

celticgbp@yahoo.co.nz

lol@unitec.ac.nz

usu CONTACTS

SPECIAL EXECUTIVE ELECTION UPDATE

PO Box 44016, Point Chevalier 139 Carrington Rd, Gate 4 Rm 1004, Building 180 Auckland www.usu.co.nz

Nominations for the 2007 Special Executive Election have now closed. The candidates have been provided with an opportunity to state their goals and aspirations for the Student Executive. The nominees are:

USU Reception (bus tickets, secondhand books) The Hub, Bld 180, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 8600 e: usu@unitec.ac.nz

For the two (2) positions of General Executive Member: Frank Williams

Student Job Search (SJS) The Hub, Bld 180, Unitec p: (09) 846 9910 e: unitec@sjs.co.nz

Ajay N Murthy For the position of Waitakere Representative:

ADVOCACY (Student Problems) Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7924 e: usuadvocate@unitec.ac.nz

Claire Baker

MEDIA, In Unison Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7927 e: inunison@unitec.ac.nz

For the position of Vice-President: Hemi Grover

EVENTS Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7925 e: usuevents@unitec.ac.nz

These will be decided by Special General Meeting on Thursday, May 3rd, 12:15pm in the Hub.

SPORTS Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7930 e: ususport@unitec.ac.nz

Come along and have your say.

USU PRESIDENT Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7929 e: usupresident@unitec.ac.nz

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SPECIAL ELECTIONS 3RD MAY 2007

This is your chance to have your say on who represents you Student executive positions to be decided are:

Vice President Waitakere Representative Postgraduate representative 2 General Executive positions The election will be held by Special General Meeting on the 3rd of May 2007

TIME: 12.15PM PLACE: THE HUB BLDG 180

NEWS

GONORRHOEA: WILL IT REALLY MAKE YOUR DICK FALL OFF? By Matt Russell

With reporting by Sebastian Hoddle A recent survey conducted by the Auckland Sexual Health Service has revealed some unnerving gonorrhoea statistics throughout the North Island, as well as an increasing prevalence in antibiotic-resistant cases. Published in the latest Medical Journal, the study notes that New Zealand has relatively high rates of the disease compared with other developed countries, with surveillance data showing a solid annual increase since 2001. Infection rates were shown to be particularly high among those under 25, and of Maori or Pacific ethnicity. In Auckland the rate was 45 cases per 100,000 people during January – March 2006, almost double the rate in 2001. This compounds research by Auckland doctors Sunita Azariah and Nicky Perkins, who looked at patients diagnosed with gonorrhea at their Auckland clinics between September 2003 and March 2004. Azariah and Perkins found 50 percent were under 25, and Maori and Pacific Island patients made up half of all cases. Eighty percent were exclusively heterosexual, and not surprisingly more than half (58 percent) never used condoms. The new study highlights a worrying development in new strains of the disease: a third of the 204 gonorrhoea cases identified in Auckland were resistant to standard treatment with the antibiotic ciprofloxacin. Dr Helen Roberts, research manager for the Family Planning Association, said the increase in ciprofloxacin resistance was a major concern, as the alternative, ceftriaxone, was quite difficult to access.

FIRE GUTS BUILDING 78, ‘PRETTY MUNDANE’ APPARENTLY By Rory MacKinnom A fire sparked by faulty wiring in Building 78 has left the building unusable and caused thousands of dollars worth of damage, according to independent assessors. The fire is believed to have began in the early hours of Saturday morning, caused by either burning rubbish or a faulty electrical circuit in the building’s kitchenette-cum-storeroom. Safety & Security Manager Frank Webb says the fire must have smouldered for some time, gutting the interior and shattering windowpanes before sensors detected the blaze and alerted Security personnel.

“If a ceftriaxone resistance develops – which is plausible considering the increasing infection rates we’re seeing – then we’ll really have a problem.”

research to look at the reasons for ethnic differences in the incidence of the disease.

The two doctors have called for “urgent action” to tackle the epidemic and more

In related news, In Unison correspondent Andrew Scoresby urges students to use

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“By that time it had got a reasonable grip and damaged the central core of the building….The fire service turned up [at] half-six in the morning; it sort of all happened … right through to seven with the fire service dousing the flames.” Webb says that while security footage recorded several Village residents on their way back from the previous night’s St Pat’s pub crawl, there is no reason to believe that students were involved. “They were traipsing back from that between the two hostels until about four or five in the morning…but there was nothing suspicious from our other video cameras around the place. Unfortunately for the headlines, it’s pretty mundane.” birth control and condoms with all sexual partners, even for Up The Bum No Babies. A free demonstration will be provided as soon as Scoresby can locate a partner.

NEWS DESIGN SCHOOL OUTSOURCES TO CHINA, COMMUNIST INTERIOR DECORATORS REJOICE By Bronwyn Bent

STUDENTS AT RISK, CRIME STUDY SAYS By Richard Bol

LECTURERS IN POINTLESSLYDRAWN OUT SEX SCANDAL, TOTALLY WORTH $7K A YEAR By Andrew Scoresby

Unitec’s Design School has just launched a new partnership with a Chinese property development company, Mayland, that aims to promote a greater exchange of design practice between NZ and China.

A study released by the Ministry of Justice has found that students are heavily over-represented as victims of crime. The New Zealand Crime & Safety Survey 2006 followed 5,500 adults during 2005, documenting their experiences with all levels of criminal offending.

A former Unitec staff member’s complaint of unjustified dismissal has been rejected by the Auckland Employment Court, overturning a previous ruling by the Employment Relations Authority.

Based in Guangzhou, Mayland’s Home Expo Centre is a shopping mecca for many of the residents of the company’s housing developments in the city, and will be the home of MayDE, (Design Exchange), which is the snappy title for the project. Associate Head of the School of Design, Roger Bateman, describes the Home Expo Centre as being equivalent to the better known Swedish monolith “homeware” shop IKEA. Senior Design students returning from the Easter break can look forward to working on the first project to be part of the exchange, whereby they will be asked to design a piece of furniture with a view to this piece being manufactured and displayed at MayDE. Bateman says there are possibilities for students whose designs are chosen to progress further than a conceptual stage to be able to visit Guangzhou and witness MayDE in action. He also says that, realistically, most product and furniture designers need to be confident about working off-shore, as New Zealand’s small population means that local manufacturing and retail outlets can not provide enough work for them, and this initiative will be a good introduction to the processes involved in this. In a move that surely comprehensively trumps Massey University’s attempts to have a school on every corner of NZ, the School of Design also intends to offer courses to designers and manufacturers in Guangzhou. Estimates of the financial benefit to Unitec of doing this are unconfirmed at the present but a briefing paper expects there to be “considerable long term benefits”.

The survey reveals that victimisation is concentrated amongst several interrelated groups, including students. While the study found that 39% of all participants suffered at least one incident of victimisation during the survey period, 59% of students were victimised, making them the second most at-risk social group. Solo parents with children were most at-risk, with 60% being victims during 2005. A leader of the survey, Pat Mayhew of Victoria University’s Crime and Justice Research Centre, puts students’ high rates of victimisation down to a combination of lifestyle and particular housing situations. “[Students] are young, and young people, generally, are more vulnerable. They can live often in cheaper rented property which isn’t well secured, they have lots of hi-fi’s and iPods, which people like to steal.” Mayhew explains the student figures as a result of many students also belonging to other at-risk categories. “There are lots of overlapping groups. Flatmates are highrisk, and students are often flatmates. I don’t think it’s being a student per se, it’s just that students have a young lifestyle and tend to have particular kinds of housing and accommodation.” The report also found that 6% of adults suffered half the number of offences committed, and that 40% of offences were not considered to be a crime by the victim, in spite of fitting the legal definition.

The Court found that complainant Kathleen Henderson had waged an “insidious campaign” of harassment and abuse following a workplace affair with David Nummy, an Associate Head at Unitec’s School of Construction. Henderson’s affair with Nummy began in 2003, and was soon discovered by his wife who worked part-time in the same building. The two women came to blows and Henderson was hospitalised, although she later dropped charges of assault. Henderson then applied for a restraining order against the man’s wife and resumed her affair with David in January of 2004. All three continued to work alongside one another until March 2005, when Henderson sent her a letter containing transcripts of 300 emails, described by presiding judge Graeme Colgan as “private and intimate exchanges”. Henderson was fired from her position as a senior lecturer a few months later. Although a 2005 investigation by the ERA found that Unitec had not adequately investigated alternatives such as relocation before dismissing Henderson, the Court’s overruling affirmed Unitec’s position that her behaviour towards the Nummys qualified as serious misconduct. Nummy continues to teach at UATI. Reports of ‘backslaps and high fives’ have been entirely uncorroborated.

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Above: The USU Dragonboaters - “really committed”.

Above: The final dash to the finish.

USU 4TH AT DRAGON BOAT FESTIVAL By Veronica Haus-Bausen

A team comprised solely of USU student members ploughed through both the water and the competition at Saturday’s Auckland Dragon Boat Festival, placing fourth in the Corporate finals. Tragedy struck early on in the second heat when competitors Datacom lost control of their vessel and collided with USU. Team captain Narissa Fale said later that it was clear that “their sweep had no idea what he

was doing”, although she added that as an inexperienced helmsman he “had a lot to battle with”.

crew’s performance as “excellent” given the previous setbacks, a shortage of training equipment and a limited training season.

Although Datacom’s gaffe cost USU the race, a calculated average time of 1:16:84 secured them a place in the finals alongside teams from the New Zealand Air Force, Mainfreight Shipping, Vodafone and the Auckland Regional Council. Despite placing fourth in the final dash, Fale described her

“They were really committed to the team…. Fourth place in four weeks’ training; you can’t ask for any more than that.”

NEWS SPORT

USU TO HOST TERTIARY CHALLENGE ‘07 By Kiwi Tuckameyer-Broadleaf

This year’s Northern Tertiary Challenge will be held at Unitec’s Mt Albert campus following a successful bid by the USU to host the event.

“We really want it to go back to that rotational basis…to give other campuses an opportunity to use their facilities and personnel.”

Although seven years have elapsed since the USU last hosted the Challenge, Bennett says she has every confidence that the event will be a “spectacular” success.

Originally fostered by University Sport New Zealand as a polytech-friendly alternative to the university-only Uni Games held each Easter weekend, the Tertiary Challenge is a one-day multi-sport event to promote sport and recreation “where participation and fun are the focus”.

The competition features a diverse mix of sports to reflect students’ range of interests. This year, in addition to team staples such as basketball, netball, touch and soccer are newly-introduced codes such as squash and table tennis, perennial favourite Ultimate Frisbee and the gloriously voyeuristic volleyball. Even decidedly non-athletic students can enlist as coaches or team managers, as the emphasis is on social sport as much as competition.

“Last year we came second behind AUT… We really want people to turn up and have a go. There’s no maximum number of teams, and they’re all mixed. If you want to play, put your name down and the sport and you’ll get put in the team.”

USU Sports Coordinator Julie Bennett says that the Challenge was originally hosted by a different association each year, but in 2001 “AUT won it and got into a thing where they hosted it each time.”

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The 2007 Tertiary Challenge will be held 17th August, 2007 at Unitec’s Mt Albert Campus. To register today, email ususport@unitec.ac.nz or visit the USU offices in the Hub.

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The USU in conjunction with the Sports Centre offer organised free play sport time slots at the Sports Centre. USU Sport wants to give every Unitec student the opportunity to ‘have a go’ at different sports.

FREE PLAY SPORT TUESDAY 12-1PM

WEDNESDAY 3-4PM

THURSDAY 12-1PM

MONTHLY PRIZE DRAW IF YOU ATTEND 3 OR MORE SESSIONS

Basketball & Netball @ Sports Centre Touch @ Sports Field in front of Bldg 47 Soccer @ Sports Field behind Bldg 170 Ultimate Frisbee @ Sports Field behind Bldg 170

3-4PM

Volleyball & Badminton @ Sports Centre Touch @ Sports Fields in front of Bldg 47

Basketball & Volleyball @ Sports Centre Soccer @ Sports Field behind Bldg 170 Please show your student ID card at the Sports Centre Reception

see www.usu.co.nz or email ususport@unitec.ac.nz for the sports available on each day and their venue

G N I L L F E L S E S R U O Y BY Y ROR INNON K C A M

Been given the smack-down from Studylink? You’re not alone. In fact, the number of students granted a Student Allowance has plummeted in the past six years, from 65, 166 in 2000 to a mere 54, 012 by 2005. According to research by the New Zealand Union of Student Associations, less than a third of our nation’s students receive an allowance while studying, and only a quarter of students under 25 are given financial assistance from the government. So, what can you do? Most hapless applicants are rejected based on their parents’ level of income, regardless of whether Dad actually shells out for food and phone bills. For this reason, more than a few are forced to invent estrangements and abusive relationships in order to qualify for the increasingly restrictive Independent Circumstances Allowance. Others have the unenviable position of working longer hours, sometimes cutting classes in order to meet their rent. Still others, in a moment of weakness, squander their course-related costs on (gasp) food and phone bills! When your options come down to either working all weekend or borrowing just to eat, it’s easy to get depressed. And as PM Helen Clark herself says, “I think if one can avoid working part-time through the year, it’s desirable because you really need time to put into your course.” So with that in mind, In Unison (and no doubt our PM) is proud to present… usu.12

THE IN UNISON STUDENTS’ GUIDE TO SELLING YOURSELF: Dynamically Marketing Your Own Bodily Functions For Fun And Profit HAIR HARVESTING I mean really, it’s not like you were doing anything with it anyway. Jacalyn Elise of www.thehairtrader.com says that selling your hair to wigmakers is not unusual amongst college students in the States and is “a serious business…the business of hair is actually as old as time.” Certainly, the use of human hair in wigmaking dates back to the Ancient Egyptians and wigs are a symbol of prestige and power, even today - Jacalyn says many of her buyers are celebrities after custom wigs and extensions who want their hairpiece to be a perfect match with a good pedigree. “Just because a wig or extension is labeled as ‘human hair’ does not specify its quality…. Our site gives [them] an opportunity to find out some background information about the hair they are viewing and actually discuss on a one on one about the hair for sale.” Just imagine – tomorrow it could be your golden locks on Britney’s clammy scalp! Buyers primarily look for at least 10” (25.4cm) of uncoloured, healthy hair. Beyond that, though, anything goes. “Curly hair, straight hair… it’s up to the needs of an individual buyer.” To maximise your hair’s value, Jacalyn recommends not cutting it until after a purchase has been made, maintaining its vitality with vitamins and a balanced diet while avoiding any cosmetics that might damage the cellular structure, such as curling irons, perms or even washing it too often, as it depletes the natural oils secreted by the scalp. Individual prices vary, but 30cm at present retails for around US$500 (NZD$697.08). SPERM AND EGG DONATION In the States, sperm samples can fetch anything from US$1 - $45 for a single ‘batch’, or you can enlist in a six-month programme of weekly donations earning you as much as US$200 per week. Eggs are even more lucrative at US$3500- $5000 per egg! Unfortunately, it’s currently illegal in New Zealand to pay for sperm or eggs, but many fertility clinics and IVF programmes will reimburse you for your expenses. The selection process is lengthy, with exhaustive interviews documenting your genetic history (any diseases or disorders suffered by your parents/grandparents, sometimes back four generations). Of

course your medical history is checked as well – any STD’s and you’re out of the running. Unlike the States, you won’t be rejected for being a poverty-stricken student, and mature students should be sweet as, so long as you’re still under 45 (lowering the risk of genetic disorders). The collection process for guys is pretty straightforward (albeit not quite as crude as shooting your load in a Tupperware container), but women generally only donate one egg at a time. While under local anaesthetic, a needle is used to pierce the vaginal wall and ovaries. There’s no surgery involved and according to Dr. Richard Fisher of Fertility Associates the risks are minimal. “There will always be some risks for a donor – not being a donor is the safest thing of all. In context however, the risk of significant complications ... are small

But if you have both ovaries and an open mind, this could be your meal ticket! Used undies are a good way to start: firstly, invest in some capital - $2 shops often have a good selection of lacy thongs, but your practical panty-sniffing fetishist also wants something light-coloured to maximise visibility and a decent surface area. White cotton briefs are a good staple. Next you need an online auction account (trademe and ebay’s adult sections are notoriously difficult to navigate – fetishspecific sites like ebanned.net are infinitely more preferable), and some decent photos. If you’re feeling self-conscious, play it safe and combine an anonymous, well-focused crotch shot with a 200-word description of your appearance, circumstances and activities while wearing the undergarments. Start your reserve with at least NZD$30,

“urine, faeces, saliva, vomit, menstrual fluid, foot sweat and even toenail clippings are all greatly in demand.” and even if you count relatively minor complications, they are no more than around 1:200.” But let’s not forget the warm fuzzies of potentially helping someone conceive a child – as Dr. Fisher says, “we are always short of sperm and egg donors. The requirement in New Zealand that both sperm and egg donors are identifiable in the future has led to a reduction in the number of people presenting”. While it’s true that the kid has the legal right to contact you one day if they’re curious, and you need to be cool with that, you still have no legal obligations or ongoing relationship with them under the Status of Children Amendment Act. HOME SCATOLOGY Catering to the fetish community is easily the most profitable and regular source of harvesting incomes: urine, faeces, saliva, vomit, menstrual fluid, foot sweat and even toenail clippings are all greatly in demand. The downside is (a) it’s kind of creepy, and (b) it’s pretty much a girls-only business.

and just wait for the money to roll in! Just remember that panty-trading is a ‘people’ business: be willing to entertain your buyers’ curiosity, and don’t be freaked out if they thank you for their purchase with a 500-word essay on What I Did In Your Bendons. SO REMEMBER, KIDS… While both Labour and National spent much of the 90’s promising to reinstate the universal student allowance that many of their party members enjoyed in the 1970’s, only the Greens and Alliance have pushed for it in recent years. But that’s okay, because compounded poverty, neglect and malignment by governmental bodies has spawned a generation of good ol’ Kiwi number-8 wire Knowledge Wave entrepreneurs, young Turks who aren’t afraid to volunteer for psilocybin experiments after class or take a dump in a zip-lock and sell it for bus money. You little beauties.

PHOTOGRAPHER & STYLIST: STEPHANIE BENNETT MODELS : JOSEPHINE STEWART-TE WHIU & CRAIG LANDER SCRIBES: BRONWYN BENT & RORY MACKINNON

Ahhh, what’s a girl to do when she moves from a city where an all-black ensemble is considered issue? Yes, it’s all very practical and hides the stains when you throw red wine on yourself by accident, but in the blazing Auckland sun it just makes you look a bit silly. On a meagre student income, however, it’s difficult to just call up Karen Walker and demand she whips up a new, seasonally appropriate, wardrobe for you (no Swandris though please, Karen). That’s where your friends the local op-shop and second-hand clothes shop come in. And yes, there is a difference between the two, as we’re about to find out.

usu.14

E SHOP, K’RD MEET THE PARENTS THIS IS NOT A LOV

JOSE cardigan clutch stovepipes gloves scarf

GRAIG $27 $15 $10 $8 $7

Jose: “Wouldn’t wear the gloves, but the pants are so amazing. Wow. It makes me look like a twig. Twig legs. Look at them.” 8.75/10 Michael’s Expert Opinion: “Pretty hot. The gloves are a bit much.” 9/10

shirt pants vest tie

$40 $29 $28 $8

Craig: “The shirt’s forty bucks, but you’ve got to invest to impress. It’s a lot of fun.” 7/10 Michael’s Expert Opinion: “Looks like his mother dressed him. Trying too hard, but very sweet.” 6/10

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KEEN, K’RD SCENESTER’S DELIGHT PEACHY

GRAIG jacket jeans shoes shirt

JOSE $70 $35 $35 $20

Craig: “Not too sure, it’s not something I’d step outside the store in. I’m afraid someone’d think my mum dressed me and beat me up.” 2/10 Emily’s Expert Opinion: “The jacket doesn’t sit right. I think he could do better with the pants.” 4/10

glasses cape dress

KEEP IT CAS (UAL)

GRAIG $35 $30 $25

jeans shirt

$8 $4

Jose: “I love the cape, it’s really warm. So good. And the dress is beautiful.” 9/10

Craig: “Jeans are okay, not sure about the shirt. I look like a farmer.” 4/10

Emily’s Expert Opinion: “She looks fabulous. I love the cape.” 8/10

Kit’s Expert Opinion: “Shirt looks a bit small. Jeans are reasonable.” 5/10

‘THE SHOP’, 335 K’RD

JOSE bag top bracelet

R BAG PRINCESS, K’R THIRD DATE THE PAPE

GRAIG $12 $4 $2

Jose: “I like it. I want the bag.” 7/10 Kit’s Expert Opinion: “Nice and casual.” 7/10

jacket tee-shirt jeans

JOSIE $20 $12 $6

Craig: “It’s rather warm with all the sheepskin stuff inside. I’ve got more of a skate influence from my mates, but I could take her to a café in this, maybe a cup of tea and a scone.” 8/10 Maeve’s Expert Opinion: “Yeah, I think it needs more effort. Looks like he’s going to the dairy.” 6/10

shirt shorts clutch belt

$15 $15 $6 $4

Jose: “It’s very leggy…If I wanted to get laid, I’d wear something like this. [laughs]” 7/10 Maeve’s Expert Opinion: “I think it’s good. I probably wouldn’t, but I like the man-shirt and heels.” 7/10

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BLOCKBUSTERS

BUDGET:

Guerrilla Filmmaking on The Fanimatrix

By Lucy Zhou

Unitec graduate Steven A. Davis is a 29 year old actor, stuntman, and writer/director. You may have seen him on several TV ads, Shortland Street and Xena, and he’s done stunt work for Vertical Limit and Hercules, but most will recognise his face as ‘Dante’ in the short fan film The Fanimatrix. After his unsuccessful application in the 48 Hours film competition, Steven teamed up with friend Rajneel Singh and created The Fanimatrix as a buildingblock to becoming better directors, not realising that this would take the internet world by storm. At one point it was the world’s fastest download - with 5 million views in 6 months, 2 million hits on their website in the first week and 80,000 downloads in 3 days, the statistics speak for themselves. The short film was done with an $800 budget, shot guerrilla-style on a Sony

handycam and edited by themselves on their own equipment. Locations were shot (illegally) all around Auckland. One nightclub sequence was created by renting the back room of a bar for $100 and posting an ad on the internet for a Goth-themed fancy dress party. Many of the interiors for the chase sequence were achieved by the cast and crew sneaking into various buildings after hours and shooting in the early hours the morning. They called in many favours “If you have a of from people they knew, friends and old dollar, learn to school mates – if it wasn’t for them, they have not been able to make the film as plan in advance. may well as they did.

There is a lot of wasted expenditure .... Film making is 90% planning”

Steven personally thinks there are a lot of directors out there who are too used to luxury, leading them to become quite lazy and wasteful. Steven says that learning to struggle with finances makes things more interesting, and shows what you are capable of when you make do with what you have.

“If you have a dollar, learn to plan in advance. There is a lot of wasted expenditure through poor planning. Film making is 90% planning; good planning is what makes you able to afford to make good short films. Doing it the budget way sometimes is almost as good as the expensive way.”

usu.18

“My advice on making short films would be to use a small hand-held camera. Larger cameras

attract attention, whereas a small handy cam usually doesn’t get a second glance. Once someone sees a big camera they instantly think money and try to squeeze it all out of you, and being short filmmakers with no funding, we can’t exactly afford to do so.” Steven spends most of his time writing and acting, but isn’t too busy to show the ladies a good time – on a budget. When asked about his last date he took a girl on he blushes and laughs uncomfortably: “I only had, like, $30 to spend so I took her to a spot where we had a view of the city and the wharf and had a little picnic with food and even a bottle of wine. I thought the date went really well… but she never called.” Steven is currently working on his new short film Bigger Fish which has a budget of $400. He is also rehearsing for this month’s Equus at the Playhouse theatre in Glen Eden, the play which stirred controversy over little Harry Potter’s nudity - unfortunately Steve keeps his clothing on in this one. His major focus at the moment is to get $10,000 to $500,000 funding for a feature film of his short film Take, which had a finalist placing in the Moonlight Short competition. Steven is a busy guy, but does everything with a smile: “It’s my passion, it’s my job and I’m doing it. It’s my dream come true really.” A happy guy, romantic picnics, good with money, creative, athletic, not too bad-looking either – this is almost like a dating ad.

VOX POPS

GRADUATE EDITION Unfortunately, Andrew left his dictaphone at home, forgot to charge the batteries in the camera and spent forty minutes in the toilets after choking on a mini-muffin. So here’s what they would have said (images courtesy of Google):

1. How’s your day going? 2. What are you doing now you’ve gratuated? 3. Got a theme song for today? 4. Sexiest Lecturer?

1. I’m fucking exuberant because at the moment I’m the only colored guy in the picture. Aside from my campaign, though, things are good. 2. The usual: shaking hands, kissing babies, kissing hands, shaking babies… 3. 4.

Graduation Memento Teddy Bear

1. Awesome- You know the tassel thing on this trencher mortarboard thing? It’s called a liripipe! 2. Just chilling out, being cuddly, relaxing on some blue toweling with my degree. 3. Super Furry Animals- The Man Don’t Give A Fuck 4. Yummy Nummy - he gets even more cuddles than I do. .

Disembodied Mannequin Head

Some Guy Who Looks Like Barrack Obama

Public Enemy – Fear Of A Black Planet David Nummy by a country mile.

Linus Pauling PhD Chem., summa cum laude

1. It was a cruel mockery of my achievements. JW had to hold me up so the Chairman could cap me, and then had to carry my degree offstage for me.

1. Unfortunately I’ve been dead nearly fourteen years. However, I’ve won two Nobel prizes and founded the field of quantum chemistry, so it’s all good.

2. Im pursuing a career in modelling, which is kind of ironic given that I don’t even have eyes.

2. See above. But if I was still alive, I’d love to become a lighthouse keeper. You could swim and walk around the shoreline, and keep the boats safe.

3. Guided By Voices - I Love To Say Shit Like That 4. I don’t know; I can’t see, remember? Having said that, that Nummy guy’s musk is pretty good.

3. My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words 4. David Nummy, definitely. I’d be up for some chemical bonding with him, if you know what I mean.

usu.19

24 April Tuesday Chinese Moppets, Beijing Opera ASB Theatre, Aotea Centre

25 April Wednesday ANZAC DAY Lest we forget…

Anzac Day

April Friday

Good Charlotte St James

28 April Saturday Migrant Expo & Job Fair Alexandra Park Function Centre New Zealand’s only Migrant Expo and Job Fair for migrants, both new and settled, international students, overseas visitors and homestay families, featuring education & training, immigration, business, travel, health, employment seminars, community groups and more. Chemistry St James The clubbing phenomenon returns to Auckland’s St James to showcase the country’s top Trance, Hard Dance, House and Electro DJs in a visually stunning dance environment! Line-up: Sam Hill - Anarchy - Andy Clayton - Astral - CJ - Daniel Farley - Jared Knapp - Justin Sane - Karn Hall - Kurt Erickson - Kyle Donegan - Llewellyn - Lukas - Mark Emerson - Marty - Mike V - Nic Moon - Nick Collings - RP - Tania M King Bros (Japan), Mint Chicks and Dhdfds Masonic Tavern in Devonport, Check out the King Bros. from Japan playing with local support from the Mint Chicks and Dhdfds.

usu.20

GUIIG DE

29 April Sunday Bride & Groom Show Ellerslie Event Centre

01 May Tuesday One Night in Buenos Aires Bruce Mason Centre Some of the best tango dancers in the world will captivate New Zealand audiences with this spectacular international tango show - featuring a company of six dancers, four musicians and two actors.

May Wednesday

Human Rights Film Festival Academy Theatre Wed 2 May 2007 – Wed 9 May 2007 The Human Rights Network of Aotearoa is proud to present the third annual New Zealand Human Rights Film Festival. The theme of the 2007 festival is ‘Identity’. This year’s Festival showcases stories of activists and survivors through the eyes of courageous filmmakers, putting a human face on threats to individual freedom and giving voice to those who might otherwise be silenced.

03 May Thursday

04 May Friday Quay Street Social Club The Schooner Tavern The Collection with Pari Fu Bar

11 May Friday 95bFM presents Klute’s Emperor’s New Clothes Tour feat. State of Mind Coherent

12 May Saturday Motor City Family Funk Rakino’s

18 May Friday Dimmer King’s Arms

Ed Byrne Bruce Mason Centre Sold out on 3 previous tours to NZ, Ireland’s best comedian returns to our shores with his latest and greatest show.

Dimmer

20 May Sunday Ed Byrne

May Friday

Katchafire Kentish Hotel, Waiuku Katchafire have been hard out in the studio completing their third studio album and now you get to hear some of the songs off the upcoming album before it hits the shelves. Their new album is due out in June!

Masters Of Metal King’s Arms

25 May Friday Breakin Wreckwordz 5th Birthday Anniversary Party Rising Sun

2007 2007COMEDY COMEDY

XTRAVAGANZA EXTRAVAGANZA GIG GUIDE

upcoming

events

Unitec’s only licensed café

Opening Hours Monday - Friday 10am - 10pm

USU Comedy Extravaganza

DAI HENWOODGISHGISH SAMSAM WILLS HENWOOD WILLS 24 & 25

May

USU COMEDY EXTRAVAGANZA Over 2 hours of stand-up-comedy gold! Featuring: Dai Henwood, Sam Wills, Gish with special guests Ewen Gilmour & Jan Maree Get your tickets…now! Just $10 to USU members

WAITAKERE WAITAK MAY 24 THCARRINGTON CARRINGTON ’S MAY 25 TH TAKERE TAK MAY 24 TH ’ S MAY 25 TH WITH SPECIAL GUEST : SPECIAL GUEST : H SPECIAL GUEST : WITH WITH SPECIAL GUEST :

JAN MAREE JAN MAREE

GILMOUR EWENEWEN GILMOUR

- Light snacks to full meals - Full bar service 29 June Friday Guns N’ Roses - Chinese Available7PM for group bookings, STARTS AT 8PM / DOORS - OPEN Democracy World Tour Vector Arena STARTS AT 8PM / DOORS OPENmeetings, 7PM private dinners & Tickets on sale 9:00am Monday 30th $10 to USU members April through Ticketmaster functions $15 to non-members $10 to USU members- Located in Building 33, TICKETS FROM USU RECEPTION BLDG 180 $15 to non-members MT ALBERT CAMPUS next to rugby fields on BOOK via 09 815 4321 ext 8600 TICKETS FROM USU RECEPTION BLDG 180 usu campus OR usu@unitec.ac.nz MT ALBERT CAMPUS Guns N’ Roses

S’ A SSO

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BOOK via 09 815 4321 ext 8600 Christina Aguilera OR usu@unitec.ac.nz

11 July Wednesday Christina Aguilera Vector Arena

www.carringtons.co.nz Carrington’s Café, Building 33 Unitec Campus, Mt Albert ph 09 849 5068

ELLING

COUNS

Hi there, my name is Josie Brrar and I am one of the counsellors here at Unitec. By now you would have checked out who’s who and what’s what on campus. In short (let’s cut to the chase) what and who will benefit you as a student. Nothing wrong with getting real and planning ahead!

CAREERS

Some Helpful Tips.

Ever heard the expression ‘you get what you pay for’? If you don’t do your research and find out what kind of career might interest you, you could find yourself floundering when you have finished your studies.

1. Reading: psychological warfare. How to mess with your lecturer’s head and manipulate straight A’s. 2. Build superficial relationships and always expect a return. 3. Know the word plagiarism, and in the same breath Turnitin.com. 4. Be resourceful: latch yourself onto seasoned students who have done what you will be doing this year. These people are easily identified by the S.O.B. (stress, overload, burnout) look. Yes you have the right person. Or do you? That S.O.B. look is FAIRLY… global these days.

Perhaps you’ve been studying something which doesn’t ring your bells or perhaps you’ve spent all this time studying and don’t know what to do with the degree? Here you can get ‘el cheapo’ advice from your friendly Career and Employment Centre at Unitec – in fact, it’s actually free! The difference is that the el cheapo also means ‘el professional’. Employers are sometimes looking for ‘el cheapo’ labour – if that’s what you’re looking for, go to SJS for part-time or holiday work. If you don’t want to be ‘el cheapo’ labour forever then you need to think seriously about looking for work in your industry whilst you’re studying. Research shows us that employers are more interested in employing a B grade student with work experience in their area of study than an A grade student with no experience.

How often is anyone consistently real with themselves and with others? We all wear different masks in our daily lives, e.g. at work I am a professional; at home I am a mother, wife and homemaker. Two worlds with differing experiences, expectations, and of course the accompanying masks which are me in each of these settings. As students it’s easy to immerse yourself in learning. Study can be challenging, and knowledge is empowering. However study can cause conflict with the reality of daily living. People adjust and compromise, but there may still be issues which cause you to lose a sense of self, direction and what is and isn’t real.

If you’re puzzled about direction or uncertain about how to go about getting where you want to go use the El Cheapo Career and Employment Centre’s free advice.

If this occurs, don’t ignore your body’s warning signs. Take time out to reflect and validate your strengths and purpose. Don’t procrastinate; ask for support to enable you to regain focus and control.

Josie Braar Unitec Counselling Centre Building 52

usu.22

STUDENT SUPPORT

How as counsellors can we support you? By acknowledging and validating your reality. By empowering you to realise your potential.

You have invested a lot of $$$$$$$ into your studies – make it work for you. Get a job that pays well and gives you the opportunity to pay back your loan as soon as possible, if you’ve got one. So don’t be an ‘el cheapo’ employee, prepare for the future. Use your initiative and get the experience; then you can demand the bigger dollars.

Debbie Mallory Career and Employment Centre 815 2948 www.careeremploy.unitec.ac.nz

S T A E P A CHE AND

S T A E M P A CHE

BY LUCY ZHOU

Poor? Hungry? Overworked? Lacking in social life? That’s most of the students in New Zealand. Being a student for a while I have learnt a thing or two when it comes to being financially impaired. You must save everything – NOTHING can go to waste. Many a night I have lain on my foam mattress on the floor and wondered “Am I going to be eating tomorrow?”… Oh so sad, yet oh so true. After a year of struggling I figured a few things out, helpful things which will take the stress out of shopping for food.

what bits you want, when you choose to!

If you are a lentil-munching vegetarian you are lucky. Meat can be pretty expensive, but us meat eaters need it. So is it cheaper to buy supermarket or butchery? I know that the Mad Butcher is pretty mad when it comes to prices, so shopping there is good for your piggy bank. Be careful though, some butcheries are quite costly and it will literally cost you an arm and leg for some meat. So in these cases supermarket meat is cheaper – keep your beady eyes open for the fluoro stickers: ‘Today’s Discount’, ‘Butcher’s Special’ etc. You can get three decent sized steaks for about $10. DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT go spending $10 on a piece of eye fillet steak! You are not the Queen of England, you are not a rebel billionaire! You don’t need to eat flash steak!

Pasta is a staple food item which you can adapt to your own needs. A cheap branded packet of pasta may cost you from 98 cents to about $2 – that’s a whole packet which

Chicken is a wonderful meat, a whole cooked roasted chicken from the deli will cost you about $12, a raw frozen chicken may cost you about $6. “Wow, that’s half price!” I hear you say. By buying a frozen chicken, you can hack the chook up and eat

Mince is like a hooker. You can have a lot of fun with mince. Mince is always available, mince is easy, mince is cheap, mince won’t talk back to you. A kilo of mince will only cost you about $10. You can chuck mince into some pasta sauce for spaghetti Bolognese, you can add frozen veggies to mince and cook that up with some mashed potatoes… Possibilities are endless.

go past the good old marmite sammie. Delicious. Yoghurt is good - the majority of the time you can get two six packs for $5. Now that’s a bargain. And don’t forget your spoons - no slurping the pottle, you’re not six anymore. It’s a good idea to plan ahead what you are going to eat for the next 7 days. Doing the shopping all at once stops you from making those small unnecessary impulse buys when you go out to buy a bottle of milk and end up with three bags of crap. Do your fruit and vegetable shopping at an Asian grocery store, like Fruit World. Their fruit and veggies are usually a lot cheaper

“Mince is like a hooker. You can have a lot of fun with mince.” should last you about 2 weeks or so. You can choose from spirals, elbows, spaghetti, mixed …you are truly the controller of your own destiny. It goes without saying; leftovers make good lunch. But if you’re a pig and scoffed down all your dinner then there are other things you can have for lunch, like a sandwich. You can buy bread REALLY cheap - 94 cents a loaf; if it was any cheaper you’d think there was something wrong with it. A slice of ham, some lettuce and a dollop of mayo makes a good sandwich – and you can’t

than your flashy stores like Pak ‘n’ Save. For example, a cabbage at a supermarket costs roughly $2, but at the Asian vege store it costs $1.50. Fifty cents is a lot! Small items like salt, butter, milk etc. are the kinds of things you can steal from your parents, neighbours or flatties. Now that you have this info there is no reason why you should be complaining that you are hungry. Feeding the tummy is feeding the brain, which leads to a good job, good looks and flash steak. Happy cooking.

CHEAP FOOD usu.23

RepResentative teams play Rugby league & netball

Rugby league

usu rugby league team to play a tertiary tournament July 10th to July 12th

netball

a variety of options available

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usu NT

Sâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; A SSO

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contact ususport@unitec.ac.nz www.usu.co.nz for more information or visit the usu sport at bldg 180 in the hub

FULL

CREDIT COUCH POTATO CONFESSIONAL

BY MATT ALPE

IMAGE: Getty Images

This year is a BIG year for sports watching. You’ve got the Cricket World Cup now. You’ve got the Rugby World Cup in September. Closer to home you even have the Blues just down the road destroying the comp. And who can forget the New Zealand Knights? (I can) With such eye candy coming up on your TV, I decided to have a chat with the #1 sports fan, Mister Telly Aficionado himself, Gary Hestner. He has kindly offered his time out of his busy schedule to give you exclusive advice on how to properly watch sports…

something. Surround sound is not exclusive to just movies. Get 5 speakers purring in a test match and you won’t believe your ears.

Gary, I know you’re rather busy at the moment - the [golf] Masters is on -

I know. Why do they call it a ‘lazy’ boy? I have never been more active in this chair. Projector, 9-speaker system, bar fridge next to chair, universal remote control with curtain control and cat door control.

Oh, you little short man! You can’t do this to me! - sorry, I was in the zone. You were saying, Matt? That’s fine, you just answered my question. I was gonna ask how involved you become as a spectator. Well Matt, I just think of it like anything else I do, I have to give it 110%. Maybe even 115%. Some people might think I get too ‘carried away’, but I just love sports so much that anything less would be like a disservice to the game. I used to watch a lot of games down at Rinko’s [former local] until something happened. You realised you were wasting your life. No. It was the Auckland-Waikato Shield challenge at Eden Park. I was just happily enjoying the game by myself at Rinko’s, then these Hamilton guys waltz in after being turned away at the Park. So instantly there’s this culture clash. And what ends up happening? Waikato takes the shield, Hamilton men get cocky, I take their ego away. Now I’m banned from Rinko’s until 2011. Wow. Gary, can you give the readers of Full Credit some advice on how to watch a game? Well, I don’t want to give all my secrets away, but here’s a little

Yes, you seem to have an impressive set up Gary.

Gary, it really is amazing. Here’s some more advice. Build a bond with the players. The more you know about them and their game, the more you will appreciate their feats. After watching Roger Federer back in 1998, it has been amazing watching him develop into the absolute beast he is now. There’s a definite connection there. It’s like, when he wins, I win. And I’m sure many people out there at Unitec are much the same. When the All Blacks beat Australia, you feel awesome. Of course. I’m always like that. Okay Gary. I’m just gonna put one last question to you. There’s twenty minutes to go in the Rugby World Cup final, the All Blacks are down by four. Fast break, Joe Rokocoko heading for the line. Just then, lights go out. Power cut. How do you feel? Fine. I wouldn’t notice a thing, Matt. I have a power generator that automatically kicks in seamlessly. You little beauty mate. That was amazing! Thanks, Gary. I was talking to Tiger.

FULL CREDIT usu.25

JOSE’S

CORNER We Took The Road That Everyone Is Scared Of

Hello darlings, So we’ve reached the El Cheapo Issue. I’m afraid I don’t really have any advice to give you on where to go and what to do, because everyone in here has already covered it. So this is going to be my salute to those of us who are really going to need the ideas and advice that is hidden within this issue for many years to come after we have graduated. Oh yes, this is for the artists. Now, just to clarify, by artist I don’t mean some wanky Elam Fine Arts student who smokes hand rolled cigarettes, has an ‘emo’ fringe and films rocks in their back garden. No, I mean the designers (actually, you guys seem the most likely to get a

my family), not only for acting roles or get my name “out there” but to pay rent and to put food on the table. It’s actually a rather terrifying aspect. I don’t want to spend my life on Shortland Street (I’ll sheepishly admit I’d like to avoid Shortland Street altogether if at all possible). But, (and the ‘but’ is a very big one indeed), I get to do what I LOVE every single day. And it’s all worth it. People tell me they admire the fact that I have the balls to blindly follow my dreams. And they’re right; all of us artists have very big balls. Fuck Robert Frost and his road less travelled. We’re not even taking that road; we are delicately carving our own. I think as artists we need to be grateful to the maniac that resides in the backs of our minds that excitedly encouraged us to take the road of the creator; that has convinced us that life can be led no other way than making art and teaching others how to make it as well.

“Fuck Robert Frost and his road less travelled. We’re not even taking that road; we are delicately carving our own” sweet job at the end of this, especially you graphic designers), the dancers, the actors, the writers and directors, screen arts, jewellers, the painters and sculptors, the illustrators, my friends in the wardrobe department! Oh, there are so many and I know I’ve left some out and I do feel bad, but my point is, without our imaginations the world would be a dark and depressing place, more so. As artists we are going to spend a great portion of our life struggling to find work within our chosen field. As a training actor I know that when I leave these ancient asylum corridors I am going to be pitted against my classmates (who have become

JOSE’S CORNER usu.26

I take my hat off to people who have the bravery to follow their dreams, even if it means a life of saving and scrimping. And for those of you who do not consider yourselves artists, thank you for putting up with us. We need to use our imaginations in order to survive; it’s just the way it is. So, that’s it from me everyone. I want to dedicate this article to the beautiful people down in Building 6, the Screen Arts and Directing/Writing students! I love you guys! You should think about hiring me when we leave Unitec. Please. Until next time, Adieu.

THE

VILLAGE

PEOPLE

YOUNG MAN, THERE’S A PLACE YOU CAN GO

Cheap: to some, the word conjures up the start of A Christmas Carol. To others, it’s bad food and living conditions and getting sick because you don’t have all the chemical cleaners to keep things absolutely germ-free. However you don’t have to have loads of money to live a good life, you just need a few tricks to be able to do it on a budget. Have your mates over for dinner - while it shows off your cooking talent you can then get an invite to theirs’ for dinner, so if you had 5 people over and 3 of them returned the favor, then you cook 3 less nights that week and get 3 free meals out of it!

take with you to class, work or on a picnic. Try not to buy fruit and veges from the supermarkets - it’s cheaper to buy them from actual fruit and vege shops. Remember, it is not the quantity of food you eat but the quality of what you eat that makes the difference. Learn and practice the herbal cures: most eye infections can be cured or at least helped by tea. Just your normal English Breakfast or Earl Grey, cool tea squeezed into the eye will help. Keep a stock of vitamin C: take some when you feel the first symptoms of ‘flu or cold and chances are it’ll either stay away or you’ll get a very mild dose. If you do get it then there is the Whisky Cure (approx 2 shots of whisky, a bit of hot water, a teaspoon of sugar and a dash of lemon, mix and serve). If you don’t believe me on that one, then Vicks vapor rub is good: apply to the soles of your feet before going to sleep (yes, it does actually work and it’ll save you the nasty doctors’ bills).

“Just your normal English Breakfast or Earl Grey, cool tea squeezed into the eye will help. “ Who wouldn’t? If you don’t know how to cook, there are loads of websites on food, or talk to family members and friends. I find spag bol is a favorite and costs about $4 a bowl to make from scratch (cheaper if you buy the packet foods and mix). Home cooking can also impress your other half, especially if it’s a guy cooking. No matter what diets say, carbs are cheap. Try rice; it’s also good for you. You can also get rice sticks which look like pasta, but are made from rice. Rice paper is also awesome because you can put whatever filling you like in them, make a roll and pan-fry it, voila! A cheap spring roll-type thing that’s easy to store and

Cleaning: hate it myself and prefer to spend as little time on it as possible, but 3 things can make life so much easier. First is baking soda. Yep, it sounds like something in the kitchen, but it’s very useful for cleaning as well. It’s great as a DIY spray-and-wipe and really cool for stain removal in fabrics. It’s also great if your flatmates have burnt the decent (cooking) pot. Second on the list is bleach- cheap and very effective on soap scum and mould. It stinks, but use it in a very well-ventilated area and cover it up with incense, also cheap - especially if you go to The Warehouse or those awesome cheap variety stores (I love them). It smells good and it’s non-invasive. Just watch out for smoke alarms! alarms!

THE VILLAGE PEOPLE usu.27

S W E I V RE GEEK PS3

Sony Playstation 3 Sony is one of the most well known electronic brands in the world, producing household items such as televisions, stereos, lap tops and consoles. Sony started off with the Playstation and it took the world by storm, following that the PS2. The long awaited PS3 is now here. Sony officially announced that the PS3 was to be released in November ‘06 as a worldwide release, but unfortunately mass production of NTSC delayed production of PAL systems, leaving us eagerly waiting until February to get our hands on one. And if that wasn’t a long enough wait, Sony then told us we would not be receiving the console until March. With such a long wait, many consumers opted for an Xbox 360, being cheaper and readily available. Another downside of the PS3 is the price: at $1199.99, it is the most expensive console on the market - and games approximately $129.99 each. So was the wait and price worth it? I think so. The PS3 has some stunning features, one being the sleek sexy design of the whole console, which resembles a George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine – just be careful you don’t put Virtua Fighter 5 in your George Foreman and a steak in your PS3. You know when you see a girl pick up a controller and while they play the game they sway the controller side to side thinking the more they turned left the more the car would go left? Sony actually made this a major feature in their controllers, the Sixaxis controller works by moving the actual controller to play the game, so now you have to move the controller like a girl. Sony’s new Blu-Ray discs are slowly but surely becoming the next big thing in optical media storage. With capabilities of 50 GB on a dual layer disc, we are able to see a lot more quality and quantity. Playstation network is free! Sometime this year you will be able to create your own home within the Playstation network, have your own watchable TV with which you can load your own homemade movies and share music etc., a paradise for kiddy-fiddlers and people who like to network. It also interacts with your PSP, on to which you can download games and pics. The memory is modifiable – the same way you can pimp your ride, you can most certainly pimp your PS3. Just open it up and pull out the already massive 60 GB hard drive and chuck in a 200 GB hard drive and the amazing part is – it DOES NOT void your warranty! Many old PSone and PS2 titles are playable on the new console and you can download old games you liked but cannot find. Final Fantasy VII for the win! Sony has done a great job in creating the third member to the Playstation family. Although it’s a bit pricey, it is certainly a great machine. As quickly as things go out of fashion and drop in price, the same goes for the PS3. If you can wait, give it a few months for the marketing to ease off, by which time you’ll probably be able to afford it. If you can’t wait, that’s fair enough – I’ve heard talk that all future Treaty settlements will consist of two controllers, a console and a copy of Motorstorm. You cannot equate a system such as this with something as petty and base as mere money. - LUCY ZHOU

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PS3 Specs HDMI Output - (HDMI Next Generation) AV Multi Output Dimensions: Approx 325mm W x 98mm H x 274mm D Weight: Approximately 5 kg CPU: Cell Processor Graphics Processing Unit: RSX Sound: Dolby Digital 5.1, DTS, LPCM, etc. (Cell-based processing) Memory: 256MB XDR Main RAM, 256MB GDDR3 VRAM HDD: 2.5” Serial ATA (60GB) I/O: USB 2.0 (x4) Communication: Ethernet (10BASE-T, 100BASE-TX, 1000BASE-T) IEEE 802.11 B/G Bluetooth 2.0 (EDR) Bluetooth Wireless controller AV Output: Screen size 480i, 480p, 720p, 1080i, 1080p Digital Output (Optical)

WIN A PS3 T-SHIRT! GOD, WE’RE SHAMELESS.

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The Sea Sucked Back Paintings by Maryrose Crook

Snow White Gallery Unitec

art

When I went to the opening of Christchurch-based artist Maryrose Crook’s exhibition The Sea Sucked Back, I really had no idea what to expect. I was not familiar with her work at all, but as I elbowed my way to the front on the opening night I was pleasantly surprised. Carefully crafted paintings hung beautifully on the gallery walls, rich with personal stories of loss and sadness and connections to New Zealand history. It was really quite a joy to view the works. There was an obvious attention to detail - with no brushstroke out of place – and there was a lyrical and poetic touch to them, from the often painful stories they conveyed to the beautiful titles Song of the

Grey Ghost and Lamb of Constant Sorrow to name a few. There is a very surreal quality to each painting; sometimes delicate pieces of jewellery are juxtaposed with pieces of raw meat creating a kind of beauty-and-thebeast comparison. Crook has recently won the Emerging Artist award at the 2006 Wallace Art Awards, showing her talent and a hope for greater things in the future. Although the exhibition has now finished at Snow White, I definitely recommend going to see some of her work whenever the next opportunity comes. They are truly beautiful and I am glad that I got the chance to see them in person. -TALIA SMITH

1) Lamb of Constant Sorrow, oil on canvas, 2006, Courtesy

2) Song of the Grey Ghost, oil on canvas, 2006, Collection of the artist.

The nine women who danced it did so with remarkable stamina and detail, although I couldn’t help but wonder whether it was stronger in its original, more masculine form.

repetition. The War Brides section depicted loss and its effect on those left behind, and made an interesting, slower paced interlude from the increasingly frenetic group pieces. (There was also a lovely moment when the ‘Bride’ lost a flower from her bouquet - the next dancer came along, did a couple of rolls and there it was, stuck behind her ear. Classic.)

REVIEW

Amata

Black Grace Amata is the latest offering from Neil Ieremia’s Black Grace dance company. Black Grace, founded 12 years ago, was originally made up of predominantly male Maori and Pacific Island dancers. However, for this work an (almost) all female company was selected (and yes - almost all white). Perhaps a name change is in order. Amata is a three-act work set to traditional Pacific Island music, in which many themes are explored; the interaction of two cultures, the re-contextualising of people and culture through physical relocation, loss and recovery, will and determination in the face of adversity and loss, and - as usual - hope makes an appearance. The opening duo with Ieremia himself and Luke Hanna was simply breathtaking, Ieremia’s strength and presence complementing Hanna’s youthful agility. This was followed by Objects, a piece originally choreographed for three men.

The second and third acts mostly comprised the 12 female dancers of the company. Again we saw intensely physical movement performed with military precision - Unitec SPASA graduates Megan Hughes, Katie Proffitt and Gaby Thomas shone in their first professional show and more than proved that they could kick it with the best from all over New Zealand and Australia. The choreography was strong throughout - well developed sections with effective

Overall I would say Amata was cleverly staged and beautifully danced by technically competent performers. It somewhat lacked the emotion and intent of previous Black Grace performances, but I am looking forward to seeing what this company produces next. -JOSEPHINE SEARLES

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MUSIC Interview

Dangerous

Rockin’

An Audience with The Sorecocks By Kieran Clark

“Burning suburban loin angst”, “the fourth dimension of filth”, “the most sleazy-rockin’ dangerous band in Auckland”. I know what you’re thinking. I experienced the same thoughts when I was introduced to Filthy Joe Smoka, Golly Gee Wilakaz, Bad Larry Shafta, P Handon Organ and Sir Borkum Riff, the five members of the intense heavy metal band the Sorecocks.

MUSIC

This outrageous group came together about five years ago, even though most of the members knew each other from high school. Their name was thought up by Shafter and seconded by Smoka. They all agree that it sticks in people’s minds and makes for great Christmas talk! In the five years that they’ve been together they have played at a number of elegant venues such as the White House and Las Vegas strip clubs. “Most of the lyrics I write are about girls that I have slept with”, says Filthy Joe. When you listen to songs such as Lucy-fer and Panty Tea you have to wonder what these girls are actually like! Both songs consists of lines like “Lucy has got me by the balls” and “I like my panty tea with sugar and milk”. So really, this guy must have had some strange experiences. The more I talked to these guys, the more I wanted to know about these dangerous and destructive characters. I wanted to know what drives them, what or who influences the beast that is the Sorecocks. The Melvins, Big Business, Kyuss and Sepultura to name just a few of the bands that featured in the answer to this question. “Trumpet Dub can go and get…” I think I’ll leave the rest of that sentence up to your imagination. Trumpet Dub, Kiddy Punk, New Metal, Emotional and all the songs currently in the top forty are all genres that the members of the Sorecocks agree that the world could do without. “So much music these days is created with the music business in mind and sometimes it’s all so painfully obvious”, states Borkrum Riff. “Image takes precedence over ideas and it all blends in together. The blame for this lies fairly and squarely with the music industry and its moronic culture of excess and hype.” Even the most dangerous rock band in the world needs a bit of R’n’R now and then. Filthy Joe likes to get out of the city and hit the beach as much as he can. Golly Gee Wilakas likes to tidy his house. Bad Larry Shafta likes to drink cheap wine and Sir Borkrum Riff likes to unwind the tension by listening to metal of his era like Nostalgia. P Handon Organ likes to do “shits and giggles” in his spare time. What that means, I have no idea. When asked what’s the best thing about being a musician, one thing the Sorecocks all agree on, is playing music with your mates and the feeling after playing an “awesome show.” Once you see these guys play you will understand what they mean by “awesome.” The Sorecocks are truly one of the most dangerous rockin’ bands New Zealand has ever witnessed. With their face-melting lead breaks and quirky stage presence these guys hit you in the face as soon as you walk in to room. They recently opened for the Eagles Of Death Metal at the St James and are hopefully going to record again soon. So I’m sure this won’t be the last time you hear of the Sorecocks. SORECOCK PHOTOS BY Andrew Tidball at www.cheeseontoast.co.nz

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MUSIC

Gig Review

GIG REVIEW

NEW YORK DOLLS ST JAMES

My ears are still ringing from the Saturday night three weeks ago when the New York Dolls played at the St James. If I could sum this performance up in one word it would be LOUD! Although seeing these legends in the flesh was an absolutely amazing experience, they were let down by their sound techs. The guitars were too loud so you could barely hear the vocals and the guitars were distorting when they werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t meant to. Now having said that, I can still say that I loved the fact that I got to see these guys play. Their stage presence was phenomenal. You felt like you were stepping back into the sixties and were experiencing the Dolls in their youth. David Johansen was slowly moving around stage whilst Steve Conte ecstatically shot from place to place and Sylvain Sylvain tried to act like frontman again. -KIERAN CLARK

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BOOK REVIEW

Sabriel

GARTH NIX Sabriel is a rather enchanting if not most unusual tale about the child of the Mage Abhorsen, sent across the Wall to learn at an ordinary school. At eighteen, her father sends a cryptic message compelling her to return to the Old Kingdom where she learns the true nature of his work. Abhorsen’s task is to send the Dead who won’t stay dead back to rest, protecting the living using a bandolier of seven bells. The tolling of each bell holds different power over different levels of the undead. In returning to the Old Kingdom, Sabriel steps into her inheritance with resilience while continuing to seek her father. It’s a truly original story, unlike any other I’ve yet come across, and makes for a compelling read. Garth Nix is a masterful story teller and his work definitely deserves some visiting. -CORINNE DUIS

Skinny Legs and All TOM ROBBINS

Tom Robbins’ Skinny Legs And All is a fantastical journey, a humorous adventure that delves into issues of religion and mysticism, fanaticism and conviction of belief, philosophy and philanthropy, sex, war, race and politics. This book has everything the thoughtful mind seeks in a good novel- all that and a can of beans. An artist named Ellen Cherry and her welder husband Boomer journey across America to New York in order for Ellen Cherry to break into the New York art scene. Boomer’s talent for creating sculptures is ‘discovered’ and as he becomes more popular his wife begins to struggle with her identity as an artist. The story is coloured with a number of intriguing characters, all inexplicably intertwined, including an Arab and a Jew who go into business together, and the ‘mobile inanimates’ – a Can of Beans, Dirty Sock, Silver Spoon and their leaders, two relics from a time before Christ – Painted Stick and Conch Shell. These objects, their personalities and ponderings were the highlight of the story for me, and their journey across America and over the Atlantic to Jerusalem leaves you biting your nails wondering what will happen next. The philosophising of Can o’ Beans is most enlightening too and I actually almost cried when Dirty Sock got left behind.

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JUDITH WHITE

Author Tom Robbins

BOOKS

In terms of criticisms, it took me a little while to get into this book, but once I was in I was hooked. Also, if you’re not into long descriptive sentences then Skinny Legs And All isn’t for you. Still, all that description does make for a visually vivid novel, with settings and characters readily ‘painted in the mind’. Besides, you will probably find some pearl of wisdom embedded somewhere in the long, illustrative paragraphs so it’s well worth a thorough read. -CARLA GOEBEL

Visiting Ghosts

A delightful mix of quirky short stories written with clear descriptive talent. My favourite story in this collection is called Unpredictably Out of Hand in which a hand is found on a beach and is based on a true story. Arthur, a boring man with a humdrum life, discovers the hand, and then plots how best to shock and amaze his friends without boring them. He schemes how best to keep control of the tale’s reveal. It’s really quite amusing to read what he is thinking but through his thoughts, the story of the hand emerges in careful and measured detail. Then he learns some things and all at once, the story is over, and Arthur has left so much unsaid. Poor Arthur. Each story is a bundle of weighted words, just waiting for you to cast your eyes upon them. So don’t leave them waiting, release them into your mind and discover the cleverly worded tales. -CORINNE DUIS

POETRY COMPETITION And The Winner Is… For 2007’s inaugural In Unison Poetry Competition, Anna Kaye-Forsyth! Anna wins a $40 Borders book voucher and a warm glow of accomplishment. “Interesting topic written with firm imagery, strong style - there’s a real sense of connectedness and purpose” –Corinne Duis, literary critic

KARANGAHAKE GORGE From this vantage, a hair’s breadth away from death, a Tui sits oblivious in regal form. He’s no magpie, but his ancestors would have seen the glitter in this valley. I have no goldmining lineage either but I’m no stranger to the struggle. My eyes follow the river, frame by frame through a shaky tourist’s lens. I feel disembodied at this height. I have to look down to remind myself there’s ground under my boots. Anna Kaye-Forsyth Illustration by Mark Lovatt

This marks the first in a series of works produced by Unitec students, appearing in our new regular feature, Words & Pictures. Would-be photographers, authors, illustrators and poets can send their submissions to inunison@unitec.ac.nz. Good luck!

Hot Fuzz

DIR: EDGAR WRIGHT Simon Pegg, Martin Freeman

The Bill meets Bad Taste in the latest film from Shaun Of The Dead director Edgar Wright. Sergeant Nicholas Angel loves being a cop - sorry, a ‘police officer’. He pushes himself to the limit outrunning and outsmarting crooks and in turn has made his fellow team members of London PD look, well... lazy. Transferred “for his own good” to a quiet little farm town, Angel is expected to live out his days ripping tickets and directing traffic, not that there is any. Little does he know not all is as it seems in this sleepy nest of fogey0 s. Maybe the violent streets of London were safer after all… Not much can be said in the negative for Hot Fuzz. It has action, it has comedy, it has drama... well, some. A few characters I found to be so stupid it was annoying, but all in all a great film. -SHANE G NORRIS

FRIEVLIEM WS Crank

Norbit

DIR: NEVELDINE TAYLOR Jason Statham, Amy Smart

Directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (credited together as Neveldine Taylor), Crank follows mob hitman Chev Chelios (Statham) as he is being “rubbed out” by his nemesis. Chev is injected with a Chinese cocktail of drugs that act as a poison, slowing his heartrate until he slips away unless he can keep his adrenaline up - by any and all means necessary. This was a bit of a sleeper for me in the sense that there was little hype in the media for its release in relation to others. This is a shame as the action, the fast pace, and comedy, is reminiscent of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas and Snatch. It moulds sex and violence into single scenes very well, with a bit of comedy on the side. Amy Smart makes an appearance as Chev’s love interest, you may remember her as Ashton Kutcher’s object of affection in The Butterfly Effect. I highly recommend this for anyone who loves the “surreal trip”. The only negatives is the amount of possibilities that the story missed out on, you may think while watching, ‘why did they not ...?’ Whatever. -SHANE G NORRIS

usu.34

DIR: BRIAN ROBBINS Eddie Murphy

In Eddie Murphy’s latest project he takes on yet again multiple roles to flaunt his apparent depth and variety. Norbit (Murphy) is a quiet man, living in suburbia and married to a woman (Murphy) almost five times his size. The movie is about self esteem and inner strength. Though there are some mildly funny moments, Norbit is really substandard of Murphy’s previous works. Fat jokes wear thin and racial referencing is abundant. Eddie’s fat suit however is so good I questioned a body triple. I’d save this one for the DVD release - maybe prefaced with some wine, a beer, two joints and whole lot of tequila. You’ll need it. -SHANE G NORRIS

‘More like Nor - shit.’ -ANDREW SCORESBY

World Cinema Showcase

April 26

Casino Royale May 3

Happy Feet

Alessio Boni, Giovanna Mezzogiorno

This film, based upon the best-selling novel by Cristina Comencini, is a well constructed Italian drama which deals with the trauma of sexual abuse, and the tragic ramifications that result. Sabina’s life seems to be fantastic. She has a great boyfriend, a fun job and amazing friends who love her. But despite all this, she can’t escape the ugly past and the scars of her childhood. She begins a journey to confront this horrific reality together with her distant brother, who is also battling with his own demons, for hers is a secret even her closest friends could not know. The Oscar-nomination for Best Foreign Language Film (2006) proves valid with a superb supporting cast, featuring Hugh Jackman’s Italian clone Alessio Boni, a cold, eerie soundtrack and an oh-so-thick plot. Would it be the best choice of film when out with a hot date for the first time? Maybe not, because laughs are few and far between. But if you want a film that moves you emotionally, and is unafraid of tackling sensitive issues, then I would recommend it without crossing my fingers. -MATTHEW ALPE

friends, family and strays welcome! At The Hub during term time.

see In Unison and www.usu.co.nz for more details

@ 6.45PM THURSDAYS

DIR: CHRISTINA COMENCINI

usu TS’

ASSO

CIATION

FILM

free movie nights every week

The Beast In The Heart

dear

BARBI

KEN AND

Dear Barbie, You swear too often. Stop it, it’s unbecoming. -Diane Dear Diane, Sob, sob, you know I actually find it very offensive for people to make fun of my Tourettes, although the condition can be convenient motherfucking slutface whorebag.

Dear Ken, I’m getting a bit sick of my friend’s indelicate choice of words. When something mildly annoying happens (shoelace undone, red light), he says he’s been “raped”. He calls boring classes an “abortion”. If I say something to him, will he think I’m ancient and boring? -Anonymous Viv

Email your questions to Barbie and Ken inunisonbarbie@hotmail.com m

Dear Anonymous Viv, The comparison your friend makes to abortions is entirely inappropriate. In my experience abortions are damned good things.

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Dear Ken, Over Easter I was thinking. Christians insist people exercise free will when we choose not to accept God into our live. But if God is all-knowing, He knows which way we are going to choose. Why does He go through the pretence of giving some people free will, knowing full well that many people will renounce Him and burn in hell? It seems pretty cruel for a benevolent god. -JJ Dear JJ, Um, yeah. I only ever went to Church once, and even then it was only when I got bad directions trying to get to the St James. Barbie once told me she knew what the One True Faith was but I wasn’t paying attention because MacGyver was on. I suppose I could ask her but she’s not talking to me since I stole her shoe polish.

Dear Barbie, Is it wrong to take the Easter eggs your grandma gave you and melt them down and use the chocolate to [explicit content deleted] on your lover’s [explicit content deleted] while humming the theme song from [explicit content deleted] and doing impersonations of [explicit content deleted] and other members of the National Party caucus. Funloving Freida Dear Funloving Freida Its very very wrong, but that’s no reason not to do it. But next time please don’t delete all the explicit content before you send the email through! Dear Barbie, I was talking to my friend from the States and I was ripping into Americans for being arrogant and rednecks and short-sighted and warmongers and imperialists and stupid and racist etc. But when I moved on to how recently Americans were into slaverunning, she countered by talking about those houses that the trades students at Unitec build. The students build these houses and someone sells them and the students don’t get a cent. What can I say to my American friend to demonstrate that NZ is less slave-aholic than the US? -K-Rock Dear K-Rock, It is wrong to call Unitec students slaves. Slaves don’t have to pay to work.

JUST A MINUTE

al comedian and This Issue: GISH, loc the Eagles’ Hotel uncredited author of me With The Ho California (Don’t Go r) rne Co e Th FatChick In

sby w Score

dre

with An

I looked you up on Wikipedia and it said you’re a Hindu god of war. Really?

bone, drinking in the fumes of a thousand funeral pyres? Oh, yeah…It’s, ah, it’s just one of those things, you know? I…I can’t really find words to describe it.

Yeah. Apparently you’ve had whole species of goat sacrificed in your honour. I didn’t think anyone knew. I try to keep that one a secret. There is a story about that, but I didn’t really want to put it out there.

With tensions running so high in the Middle East at present, is there any advice you could dispense to the men and women on the front lines? War is one of those things. You don’t know who you’re fighting. You could be killing one of your best friends, someone you’d get along with in any other circumstance apart from the point of a gun. I think it’s really important on the battlefield to ask these questions before you start willy-nilly shooting people.

GISH

OOD E

24 TH UEST :

SAM WILLS

GISH SAM WILLS EWEN GILMOUR

CARRINGTON’S MAY 25 TH WITH SPECIAL GUEST :

Oh, okay. How’s the drumming going? What?

CARRINGTON’S MAY 25 TH WITH SPECIAL GUEST :

The drums. The Wikipedia thing said you had a hundred drums, each as large as a man, beaten by kaffir slaves for fifteen consecutive days each year to celebrate your victories. What’s it like to hear them pound in time with your own blackened heart as you stand astride a throne of sinew and

MAY 24 TH L GUEST :

Catch Gish and other Kiwi comedians on both the Waitakere and Mt Albert campuses at the 2007 Comedy Extravaganza, 24th and 25th May, brought to you by the Laugh Festival and the USU. Tickets $10 at the USU reception. ‘Chur.

AREE EWEN GILMOUR 8PM / DOORS OPEN 7PM ClASSIFIEDS (cont.)

to USU members al Shoes Form to non-members

BUILDING ONE longer needed as Arch/Design

PHOTOGRAPHS Dick Hubbard dressed as Erwin Rommel

dfather. 180 No ged to my late gran FROM USU Belon RECEPTION BLDG students moving to West Ghetto required. elling shov e Som $20. Only CAMPUS MT ALBERT Buildings 7 and 8 thrown in for free 2536 0227 Txt 021 OOK via 09 815 4321 ext 8600 $80 000 OR usu@unitec.ac.nz Email rhandley@unitec.ac.nz

In Unison #8 2006

TEXTBOOK Ancient Greek Nymphs Accidentally purchased because I thought it was an abbreviation Phone 021 0227 2536

Quite rare Email inunison@unitec.ac.nz

Totem Poles Slightly damaged during caber tossing convention

$50 a metre

phone 815 4321 x7927

AT 8PM / DOORS OPEN 7PM A real classic Some pages stuck together $10

m ** email andrew.scoresby@gmail.co **

S&M GEAR

Student Hair Cuttings

10 to USU members WALKMAN FOR SALE

Whips, spurs, chains, adhesive tapes

etc

Left in my office by my predecessor Email usupres@unitec.ac.nz

$15 to non-members GIRLS GIRLS Got it for free, found on the street

Leftover from free haircut days in the hub Possibly some animal hair included Email andrew.scoresby@gmail.com

SEEKING MOTIVATED INDIVIDUAL KETS FROM USU RECEPTION BLDG 180 (beside some dead rollerskater)

Make an offer 021 022 72536

CAPTION COMP

the back

WINNER “Now it’s my turn, you whale-killing bastards!” – Vegetarian

THIS WEEK’S PICTURE

Congratulations, Vegetarian. Swing by the USU office with your student ID to collect your prize.

HIGHLY COMMENDED Mmm…sushi” – Dan Stan “Excuse me, do you know where I can find Godzira?” “I am gonna wear your skin as a suit! And that little one as a hat!!” –Jonesy

Come up with a caption for this photo and be in to win a $10 food and drink voucher from Carrington’s. Email your caption to: inunison@unitec.ac.nz or txt 021 02272536 Competition closes: Mon 30th April

SNIFFLES & COUGH

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CATS IS NOT

#695:

THINGS

CATS IS

NOT

TOOTHPASTE FOR DINNER

TERRACOTTA A COMIC BY DREW

Drawing by Drew from www.toothpastefordinner.com

ENDITORIAL

This Issue

Next issue

Hackneyed: weekdays, conjugations Delightful: nephews and proto-nieces Depressing: I’m someone’s beardy uncle Most Wanted: more readers’ photos, letters Not A Goer: all our advertising Therefore: ironically, our most expensive issue yet Kickin’ Rad: Nicky Hager, student journalists Clocking off: 5:44pm, binging on breath mints

NZ Music Month: the usual suspects Collapsing Cities: gapping it to Melbourne Phony Bone: not actually a dildo God, I Don’t Know: maybe some more cats Signing Off: user <prEDiTOR> has logged out

In association with the New Zealand International Comedy Festival 2007

2007 COMEDY

EXTRAVAGANZA DAI HENWOOD WAITAKERE MAY 24 TH WAITAK WITH SPECIAL GUEST :

JAN MAREE

GISH

SAM WILLS

CARRINGTON’S MAY 25 TH WITH SPECIAL GUEST :

EWEN GILMOUR

STARTS AT 8PM / DOORS OPEN 7PM $10 to USU members $15 to non-members

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TICKETS FROM USU RECEPTION BLDG 180 MT ALBERT CAMPUS BOOK via 09 815 4321 ext 8600 OR usu@unitec.ac.nz