HONESTY...ATWHATCOST?

By Amanda Korsell Brown

When it comes to honesty, is there such a thing as “too much”? We all have that one friend who overshares, (spoiler alert - that’s me), but beyond that, how much of a “good” thing is too much?

Growing up in St. Paul, Minnesota, USA, I was born and raised Catholic with fairly traditional values. There was a strong emphasis on being a good “salt of the earth” person and being humble and selfless. I was raised to tell the truth at all costs, to treat everyone how I would want to be treated (if not better), to love my neighbor as myself, to leave places better than I found them, and so on At a young age, I learned the horrible impact of guilt on my psyche when I told one of the few lies of my life. While it wasn’t even a terrible lie or an impressive situation, to child Amanda it seemed like the world was ending My “BIG LIE” ate me up from the inside out until I finally broke down and confessed everything to my mom like verbal diarrhea, tears pouring down my face. After explaining the situation, my mother talked it through with me and asked me why I felt I needed to lie Having no legitimate answer, she soundly advised me that perhaps a better approach in the future would be simply to tell the truth, and then not be wracked with guilt My mother is wise!

Therefore, I continued with her advice and told the truth all the time, no matter how harsh or inconsequential I had no method to my madness, I simply dropped truth bombs on everyone all the time. It wouldn’t be until years later that I would learn to discern between blunt honesty, tactful honesty, and lies of omission. I now know the difference, and when and how to employ them, although any mistruth still doesn’t sit well with me A remnant from my upbringing, naturally, is the omnipresent “GUILT” of having told something half-true, even when the situation at hand calls for it

As Dr. House from the TV show “House, M.D.” famously said, “Everybody lies.” And, in my experience thus far, having caught people time and again in white lies, half truths, and even flagrant tall tales, I can confirm that the prognosis for honesty does not look very good.

So what is the point of this? Should we always spill our guts to everyone all of the time? Obviously not Going back to the concept of tact, it is prudent to exercise caution with the things we say and to gauge our audience, particularly with sensitive information Similarly, telling an unnecessary truth merely to hurt someone is not only cruel, but also pointless If someone worked hard on cooking a dinner for you that they have never prepared before and you rip them to shreds honestly dissecting every negative aspect of the meal, not only will the person be dejected and lose confidence, but you may have just burned a bridge with that friend for no reason at all. In these moments, naturally, it would be better to employ a little “white lie” that shows your appreciation for their effort without destroying their self-esteem What harm has been done in this?

When I was studying at Loyola University Chicago for my undergraduate degree, I prided myself on being blunt and direct, ever-truthful, and having “no filter ” It wasn’t until I entered New England Conservatory in Boston that I realized how detrimental this approach could be, as I quickly became alienated. While being direct often serves a valid purpose, bluntness often hurts feelings and a balanced, tactful approach is undoubtedly preferred. My voice teacher at the time, Bill Cotten, told me I needed to learn a “softer approach.” At first, infuriated and feeling unvoiced, I wanted to rebel and have even less of a filter But, as I matured, I saw that he was right My assertiveness did not work with everyone and as far as the Dale Carnegie book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” was concerned, I just wasn’t cutting it. So, I changed tactics I worked on improving my emotional intelligence and learned how to read people and gauge my listeners. When speaking with one of my professors, coaches, or superiors, for example, I took away the “know-it-all” attitude of my early twenties, and began listening more to their feedback with engaged interest Instead of conversations where I waited for my turn to talk or point out flaws and issues, I sat back and began to feel myself present in the moment, absorbing the conversation as a true dialogue rather than a pompous monologue

And yet, there seems to be space in this world for dishonesty. As mentioned previously, white lies and half truths can prevent awkward or painful situations, and maybe should even be encouraged. Doctors take the Hippocratic oath and swear to “Do no harm” and maybe this is more of the motto to guide my life these days rather than “say all the things all the time to all the people,” which we have seen is not a balanced or thoughtful method

I am still an honest person, and I refuse to tell outright lies or speak untruths that might hurt someone. I do not like to gossip, I do not spread rumors, and I would rather remain silent than share something that makes me uncomfortable or is situationally inappropriate

I do have a piece of advice going forward When someone asks you a question and there is no harm in answering truthfully, do so Be an honest person Be someone others can trust Live your life bravely and boldly and kindly and wholeheartedly, but don’t live your life hiding behind a constant veil of dishonesty and manipulation When you need to omit a fact to prevent a negative situation from escalating, be the person who knows how to make that good judgment Only you can know how to weigh these decisions in your own life, but, if it were me, I would err on the side of the truth with a little dash of caution and always, always tactfulness.