How to Work Under a Bully

by The Crew Coach

“I am new to the industry and have worked under a bully (Chief Stew) for the last five months. I’m finally at my breaking point. I can’t afford to lose this job because it’s a good one. I am also new to the industry and worried it will look bad on my CV —but I’m so tired of feeling like I have no power.”

I have received many reports of bullying behaviours of late, some of which have had catastrophic outcomes for the victims. In this article, I’ll give you some direction on how to identify a bully and how to empower yourself in an unfavourable situation.

Identify your bully

To know how to deal with a bully you must first identify whether or not you are being bullied. This may be difficult to do on your own as many people who are being bullied don’t realise it until later. However, there are distinct behaviours that are reflective of bullying that will help you confidently determine whether you are being bullied. I have created a free download of these behaviours, which you can find here .

Another point of differentiation is to recognise when constructive criticism is just that. Receiving constructive feedback is important and necessary to help individuals learn and grow, and to meet the overarching objectives of the vessel. However, there is a difference between negative and constructive feedback. Essentially, negative feedback offers no value but serves to humiliate, shame, blame or put one down. If you find yourself in this situation, then I would recommend taking an objective stance and asking yourself whether the comments are a plausible critique of your work or a personal attack on your character.

For more on how The Crew Coach can help you visit www.thecrewcoach.com

Karine has a Bachelor of Social Science in Organisational Psychology and Psychology, Postgraduate Diploma in Counselling from the Australian College of Applied Psychology and a Postgraduate in Collective Entrepreneurship from Torrens University. She helps Crew become confident leaders, master their own mental health and access a powerful network of industry leaders.

Is someone criticising your work because they have an issue with you personally rather than simply trying to guide you in improving their area of concern? Consider using open questions to elicit more understanding of what actions have bothered them. Then ask how they would like them done differently next time. Remember, it is essential to pick the right time and place for this discussion. If the bully becomes aggressive, you have the right to say you will not tolerate being spoken to in that manner and to walk away.

Don’t let them push your buttons

Bullies often try to get under your skin and provoke an emotional response by saying things like, “Why are you so sensitive?”, “harden up”, or “if you can’t deal with it, then leave”. To be clear, I’m not suggesting that we repress our emotions or pretend they don’t exist. However, if someone is trying to bait us into anger, hurt our feelings, or provoke other unpleasant emotions by using rude language or a condescending tone of voice—and we respond passively or aggressively—then we’re allowing that person to trigger us. If this happens often enough, it gets harder and harder for us to feel centred and happy at work (or anywhere else).

Consider the source

To figure out why you are being bullied, you must first consider the source. Is your superior or colleague a narcissist? A control freak? Or perhaps they’ve had no positive role models in their life so they don’t know how to act prosocially. They themselves may be going through a difficult time and projecting their emotions onto their victims. Perhaps a combination of some or all of these traits? When I was working on board, the team and I had a chief stew who was abusing her power and treating the interior and deck team very poorly. I felt so angry and upset for the victims who ended up in tears daily. The only way for me to regulate my emotions was to practice compassion. It was very telling that she was lonely and didn’t have a healthy relationship with her fiancée. Knowing this, I felt sad for her and her interactions with me didn’t affect me as much.

If you r Head of Department is a narcissist, then they need constant praise and attention from their team members to feel good about themselves. If this is true (or even partially true), then it makes sense that they would lash out at others when they don’t get what they need. Another narcissistic trait is that they always win, so negotiating with them and getting them to see your point is virtually impossible.

Reaffirm your self-worth

Bullies do a great job at sewing the seed of self-doubt. You are often left thinking “is it me?” “Am I incompetent or not good enough?” If you are a victim of bullying then I can assure you it is them and their own insecurities at fault. If you find yourself in this circumstance, I would like you to grab a journal and note down the following:

• Your abilities

• Your worth

• Your skillset

• Your knowledge

• Your experience

• Your attributes/character strengths

Wh at you will notice is that you are who you believe you are, and you have the evidence to support it.

Conclusion

The key is to take a step back and understand that you can’t control other people. You can only control yourself, your actions and the way you respond to their actions. Following these steps, you can work for a bully without letting them get the better of you.