14 minute read
An Heirloom Jewelry that Represents the Beauty of Marriage
Seven tips to a happy relationship
BY YASMEEN QADRI
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Human beings have nurtured positive actions, which communities and families have always passed on through the generations.
One unique Hyderabadi tradition is passing on the seven-strand pearl saat larra (or lada) necklace as a reminder to brides to represent the beauty of the marriage she will create with her husband.
During the 42 years of my marriage, I created my own seven strands of advice, made my own recipe for a content home and value it deeply — especially after I lost my husband Syed Najeeb Qadri in June 2021.
Each strand is held together with seven tsavorites (a garnet in shades of green), which represent tips for a happy marriage that holds together the seven strands of the pearls …. one’s family on both sides.
STRAND #1: TAQWA Marriages are said to be made in heaven, and so are thunder and lightning. Carry your taqwa as you’d carry an umbrella so it will protect you from the thunderstorms in your marriage. Your umbrella is made of sincere du‘a, as only the Almighty can protect your marriage and home; taqwa (struggling against your nafs); and belief in self-improvement, for God won’t change the people’s conditions unless they change themselves.
STRAND #2: TEA-TIME TALK Practice honest communication skills — crucial during challenging times — during good times. The saying that “speech is sliver, but silence is golden,” is not an advantage in marital conflict.
Spouses often misunderstand “silence,” extending it for days on the grounds that “I was silent because I was practicing patience.” Many don’t realize that this is a form of emotional abuse and can cripple the family.
Common wisdom holds that 10% of conflict is due to a difference in opinion, and 90% to delivery and tone. As a couple, we
Author’s daughter Sumayya as bride © Yasmeen Qadri
didn’t breeze through conflicts or arguments. Rather, we learned the art and relevant skills by attending conflict transformation workshops and reading both Islamic and psychology materials.
Try to have regular open and honest communications at teatime, instead of waiting for problems to escalate. If they do escalate, call it the 3 Cs: Crucial Conversation on Chai. Preparations Tips: Renew your intention
and then select a convenient time and relaxing place, like a natural environment; initiate your conversation by taking refuge in God; treat each other in the best possible manner; listen deeply and take a big sip of the hot drink to help control your anger when you feel like yelling back; and don’t get discouraged if things become difficult. Return to the intention — pleasing God — and try again!
STRAND #3: TEMPER MANAGEMENT The key to anger, a natural emotion, is knowing how to express it. In any relationship, but more so in marriage, learning how to manage one’s temper is important. Adults commonly throw temper tantrums at home, in the workplace or on the road.
To control your temper, try to direct it at the situation and focus on your spouse’s strengths; your reaction is in your control. Instead of seeking to control others, remain you value your relationship, respect and love; share with your close family the good things your spouse does for you and don’t always highlight the limitations; and invest time in each other. Presence is more important than presents, so try to give more than you can take!
Shukr (gratitude) is a recurring theme in the Quran and Sunnah. Research shows that gratitude not only affects one’s mental, emotional and physical health, but also builds relationships with both the Creator and His creation.
STRAND #5: TIME “Time is free, but it is priceless. You cannot own it, but you can use it. You cannot keep it, but you can spend it. Once you have lost it, you can never get it back” (Harvey MacKay).
Quality time requires much patience, wisdom, cooperation and certainly belief in God’s power. For example, I miss my
calm; be wary of involving a third person and of casting yourself as the victim and your spouse as the villain; recognize your triggers and warning signs before your temper escalates; and don’t dwell in the past or generalize it. Avoid words such as “never” and “always.”
STRAND #4: THANKFUL Like most young couples, unrealistic expectations can lead to being ungrateful to each other. “… And if you should count the favors of God, you could not enumerate them” (14:34).
When we strive to show gratitude to our Creator, we eventually learn to show it to His creation, especially to our spouse. Discover what makes your spouse feel appreciated. You may feel you’re doing a lot, but your spouse might have other ideas; admire what your spouse is passionate about and offer support; praise each other by showing that baghbaan (gardener), my companion and supporter who took the time to nurture our family into a beautiful garden! You never know when your last moment will come!
You can beautify your own garden by prioritizing and nurturing your relationship, reflecting on Surat al-Asr; trying to “be the change you wish to see”; and nurturing positive cultural values and shedding negative ones. Make Islam the common value.
STRAND #6: TOUCH “Touch is far more essential than our other senses … It’s ten times stronger than verbal or emotional contact” (Saul Schanberg).
Touch plays a role in feeling understood, accepted and cared for, as it triggers the release of the hormone oxytocin, which promotes emotional bonding. Touch and displays of affection differ across cultures. In most South Asian homes of my generation, a couple couldn’t touch each other affectionately or hug – let alone in public, but even before family. We have a beautiful example in Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and his physical contact with Ayesha (radi Allahu ‘anh).
STRAND #7: TAQDEER (DESTINY) Our marriage did not begin on a bed of roses. Shortly after my wedding, my husband returned to Iran. While anxiously waiting to welcome his new bride, things turned sour when the revolution broke out. We lost communication. Thank God he returned home in a few months. But he had lost his job and his savings. At times we wondered if we had made the right decision to get married.
A supportive family and a mother gently reminded me of “Another of His signs is that He created mates of your own kind of yourselves so that you may get peace of mind from them and has put love and compassion between you. Verily there are signs in this for those who reflect” (30: 21).
Here are some simple tips to help you see the benefits of believing in your destiny (taqdeer): Trust in God’s plan, but make a responsible and informed choice when selecting a spouse; don’t act as a victim to misery, but as the designer of your own happiness, for happiness is an attitude, not a state; believe in changing yourself before expecting your partner to change; and given that the spouses’ families can be great supporters, especially in times of crisis, keep your kinship relations alive.
In addition, gain knowledge to strengthen your faith and learn, for example, God’s many attributes; attend workshops to learn communication skills, conflict transformation, relationship development, counseling and so on; and believe in destiny, for it’s one of Islam’s six articles. Imam Shafi describes it as: “My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me. What misses me was never meant for me.”
Upon reflection over the past 42 years, I realize that neither my husband (may God reward him the highest abode in heaven) nor I was perfect. The credit for making our marriage blissful goes to both of us holding tight to the One who brought the two of us together. ih
Dr. Yasmeen Qadri, a mother of three and grandmother, is a tenured professor at Valencia College, advisor to the Muslim Ambassadors for Peace Student Club, as well as a board member of the Peace and Justice Institute.
Dreaming about a Future Spouse
Are matchmakers becoming a nightmare?
BY YASMEEN QADRI
Matchmaking through such institutions like the South Asian Rishta [matchmaker] Ladies/ Rishta Aunties is an age-old tradition in all Muslim cultures and, surprisingly, in Orthodox Jewish and Christian families as well. As a young woman 50 years ago, I also hated this practice of women making matchmaking a career or a community service.
The intended groom’s families would visit the intended bride’s home and stare at her with ten eyes (at least five people would visit), one looking closely at her walk while others engaged her in conversation and asked tons of questions that would make her freak out. The girl’s family was pressured to serve refreshments or even dinner if the candidate was a sought-after professional like a physician, lawyer or IT worker. The country where he worked also mattered, thus raising standards even higher for candidates residing in the U.S. than in Saudi Arabia or other countries.
Today the trend continues; however, there has been recently a big resistance to it. During last year’s ISNA convention, I was surprised to witness a booth and placards waving and huge posters held by young women that said: “Save us from Rishta Aunties.” ISNA and ICNA matrimonial services invite the many single attendees to their matrimonial banquets. ISNA’s matrimonial service has been in place since 1985. Other matrimonial services consist of a large variety of virtual sites and apps like Muslim Matrimony.com, Eharmony.com, Muslima. com and Single Muslim.com.
Sadaf Farooqi’s blog, “Before You Roll Out the Red Carpet: Be on Red Alert for these ‘Rishta’ Red Herrings & Red Flags” (Jan. 30, 2018), lists five major issues with matchmaking: helicopter parents (domineering/overprotecting parents), the entitled lady (pampered girls and their attitude), too much haste (foreign candidates who visit for 10 days and rush), an overemphasis on cooking and food and, finally, the deliberate cover-up of mental illness.
Meet the Muslims Falling in Love on Instagram (Muzz Blog, Aug. 2022) describes other challenges, among them the following: ◆
“For a young Muslim it can be more comfortable meeting someone online because there’s no family, there’s no restrictions. You can talk normally; you don’t have to meet in person. It has made it easier; there is less pressure.” ◆
“Someone requested to follow her on Instagram. When she accepted, he liked 20 of her photos in one go.” ◆
“That should have been ‘a signal’ to doubt him. They were together for a year, until she noticed he was liking selfies of many other hijabi girls. There is a code of conduct. When you’re with someone, you don’t like other girls’ photos. That is shameful” (http:// www.muslimmarriagesites.com/).
The highest divorce rates are as follows: Muslims (31%), Jews (30%) and Born-Again Christians (27%). Two primary causes are cited: relationship compatibility and a lack of religious knowledge (https://www.maselliwarren.com).
Matrimonial practices among families vary from those whose parents chaperone the meeting to those who take total charge through apps and websites. Candidates also resist — most complain that their parents don’t understand the new generation and impose their own cultural practices. This conflict creates barriers, and most women are reaching their 40s and with no further hope of finding a suitable bachelor!
Samreen, a beautiful young hijab-wearer with a full-time job, is facing parental pressure to get married soon. “Your sister married who we had proposed with no issues, even when the boy was from India. She was only 19 years old, and now I am getting very worried about my second daughter who is rejecting every proposal.” Samreen, on the other hand is frustrated. “Rishta Aunties tend to push their own agenda onto boys and girls, instead of listening to what we would have to say. I totally dislike this process, as Rishta Aunties care more about making a match than seeing if it is a good match.”
Maria, a medical school student, says she hasn’t pursued the Rishta Auntie route due to its lack of a wide network, which results in limited people and those who aren’t of the best quality. Meena, 40, a tall hijab-wearing pharmacist, was waiting patiently to find her Prince Charming. “I am tall, and I can’t marry someone shorter than me. Neither H-1 (work) visas nor someone fresh off the boat (fob). I am fed up with this process, and I am not interested in marriage now!”
Rizwana from Canada surprisingly stated: “I do not mind the process itself, in fact I highly value aunties going out of their way to help us hijabis for reward from God. My frustration is that the boys (and sometime girls) are not on the same page as their parents. I also do not appreciate the long time they take to decide. Once we talk, 2-4 weeks are sufficient to know the compatibility; if it prolongs for months and years and parents are not brought into the picture, then you know there is a problem.”
Some hijabi girls are frustrated with the double standards of the boys’ mothers. She added the Desi [South Asian] culture find beauty in the white, slim and tall girls and decline proposals even before sharing with
strong marriage in the future. I am content with this belief, but others may think I have given up!”
The challenges are numerous, as many women are highly qualified and can move easily in the larger society, whereas men are less qualified and more willing to lead a simple life.
Young men too resist Rishta aunties, but they handle it in a more diplomatic way by saying “They are not yet ready” or “Let me first reach my goals,” or even better “Auntie, it's hard to find good girls. I would rather stay single than regret later.”
If young adults don’t like the Rishta Aunties, they must be prepared to find their own spouse. In a way, this makes it more difficult — either virtual dating or “halal dating.” There is a very small number of success stories of finding spouse online; however, the majority feel unsafe with this process.
I believe that a partnership between parents or a trustworthy adult and the candidates may be a safe and better choice. Most young adults can make hasty or decisions based on their emotions. Their intention of finding a spouse may not be realistic or may be aligned with some fantasy world.
The first part of my six-part YouTube video series “Not Yet Married?” offers some useful tips in Episode 1:7 Easy Tips to Begin Your Journey: select an advocate, make a list of characteristics, share your list with your advocate, use marketing strategies, mobilize with common circles (show your etiquette), make a marriage timeline and conduct a background check & verification of the candidate.
Marriage is a very serious matter, and the matrimonial process even more so. The free mixing of genders can weaken our Islamic cultures and impact the marriage process. As a community, Muslims must lay down parameters to manage this undertaking. Although most of us may believe that marriage is a part of our destiny, it’s important to first tie your camel and then trust God.
“The greatest test of faith is when you don’t get what you want, but you are still able to say, ‘Thank you, Lord.’” ih
Dr. Yasmeen Qadri, a mother of three and grandmother, is a tenured professor at Valencia College, advisor to the Muslim Ambassadors for Peace Student Club, as well as a board member of the Peace and Justice Institute.
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their sons. Mothers would initially say “What is more important is a good religious hijabi girl but then they would ask: “Is the girl light skinned?”
Hooria, 30, a highly qualified physician, daughter of a successful physician, had a very unique response: “Al hamdu lillah, our generation is blessed with many privileges, wealth, education, status, career, and whatnot and we assume that we will find a guy of our choice as easily.” After the challenges of pressures from age and time, Hooria states that delaying marriage helps build one’s relationship with God and bring you closer to Him. “Kun fa yakun. Only God knows when and whom I will get married to. Whether it is Rishta aunties or apps or other tools, without His will nothing can happen. This lesson may also help us build a
A matrimonial search conducted with one’s parents or an adult mentor who can be a good advocate for the candidate might help bridge the gap between immigrant parents and their born-and-raised American children. Despite the high divorce rate, both groups are frustrated because there is no onesize-fits-all process, given the many family variations; wide diversity in ethnicities, languages and cultures; as well as vast cultural differences among reverts, Arabs and South Asians. Children raised within liberal families may be no different than reverts and reject matrimonial services. My three born-and-raised American children were married through our Hyderabadi culture’s traditional matrimonial process. Yet there was diversity within the same culture, as each child was raised differently.
