Divorce in Muslim Society

Is maintaining the family’s “face” more important than freeing its suffering members from a failed marriage?

BY F. M.

Divorce is an isolating experience, and our culture cuts us little slack during the process. This is especially evident in comparison to non-Muslim societies where, barring some exceptions, marriage is viewed as a legal procedure that seals the deal on a relationship that already been maturing for a while.

Many Muslim societies focus heavily on gender segregation, which enables little understanding of the opposite sex. While this has its merits, our societies have failed us by being unable to prepare us for what marriage is really all about. We all know of people who got married because of societal or parental pressure and, consequently, spend the rest of their lives resenting their partners and children. In fact, happiness or even contentment seem to take a back seat to parental expectations (e.g., grandchildren), children and familial expectations, economic stability and social mobility.

To add to the complexities, many things that worked in favor of the traditional Muslim marriage are slowly changing — for example, women are pursuing higher education and professional careers. In addition, the experience of Muslims living in the West is increasingly at odds with that of their peers in the Middle East, Africa and Asia, who don’t have to deal with the various financial stressors and other factors. Although many Muslims here have achieved considerable economic and social progress, their attitude toward human relationships remains firmly rooted in a mythical past.

This past does not stretch back to the lives of the Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and his Companions — real people who went through complex emotional and personal challenges while struggling with persecution, migration and war — but to a semi-mythical past involving a utopian Muslim society that had no need for comprehending human behavior or encouraging compassion and kindness. Is it any wonder, then, that Muslims are experiencing a major explosion in divorce rates?

Now that we find ourselves in this defining moment in our collective social history, it is perhaps time to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Historically, Muslim societies have prided themselves on the family unit’s structural integrity and, as a result, Muslimmajority regions have low divorce rates. However, it’s incredibly naïve to expect a community of over 1 billion people to remain unaffected by global societal trends, especially as we do not have a centralized Sharia or legal system.

We cannot pretend that divorce is a oneoff occurrence, that it happens to “other people,” that it’s absent in our culture or shift blame to something else. For instance, one respectable scholar correlated a women’s right to seek divorce in a particular country to the rise in that country’s divorce rates. Even if we agree to that being a part of the reason, we fail to look at other underlying societal factors that push people to divorce. Ignoring these reasons has led us to where we are at present and will inevitably cause more harm to the fabric of Muslim society.

More often than not, divorce is a lonely

and alienating process. What makes it worse for Muslims is our culture of shaming these people.

During my own divorce, I remember feeling like I was on the other side of the looking glass — everyone else was on the side where time and life were “normal” with their normal daily activities, whereas I had chosen this anomaly for myself and therefore had to go through it alone as punishment. I remember some friends and relatives telling that anything more than one-time assistance only enables them.

People who go through divorce, especially women, are left to fend for themselves. They often hear, “Oh, this is God’s will,” as if His will frees people from social responsibility. We speak in excited tones and speculate on the reasons underlying the breakup, as if it was a new episode of some Turkish soap opera and not a person’s life.

I know of so many men and women who

IT SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT OUR COMMUNITIES’ ATTITUDES THAT WE WOULD RATHER HAVE A WOMAN DIE AT HER ABUSIVE HUSBAND’S HANDS — OR OUR MEN AND WOMEN SUFFER DEAD-BEDROOMS AND PERPETUATE MISERY IN OUR CHILDREN — THAN GET A DIVORCE. SINCE THEN, I HAVE WONDERED WHAT IS IT ABOUT OUR SOCIETY THAT MAKES US VALUE “FACE” MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

me point blank that I had brought shame to my family and respectable Muslim girls don’t do this to their families. It speaks volumes about our communities’ attitudes that we would rather have a woman die at her abusive husband’s hands — or our men and women suffer dead-bedrooms and perpetuate misery in our children — than get a divorce. Since then, I have wondered what is it about our society that makes us value “face” more than anything else.

My quest has led me to some answers. As products of the post-colonial and post-modern eras, many of us were (subconsciously) defined by economic progress. We convinced ourselves that if we behaved like model citizens (both in the West and in Muslimmajority countries), with our heads down and seemingly united, what we did in the shadows wouldn’t matter. Islam became a private affair instead of a way of life, and our practice of piety turned into rituals with no real belief in anything but the Next Big Thing.

It was only a matter of time before our private shortcomings became communal habits with no one to enjoin good and forbid evil. As a result, our hearts hardened and we no longer felt our fellow Muslims’ pain and suffering. When our charitable efforts became restricted to major dramatic events or an annual obligation, we convinced ourselves that private suffering is overrated and were encouraged to keep a stiff upper lip simply because our society has no support system for divorcees. Our mosques have no programs or affiliates to provide marital counselling, and our imams are ill-equipped to deal with problems that require professional counselling.

If we seek to address this crisis, we must embrace those going through a divorce. They are humans in need of our love and support, and not gossip fodder. Their loss may not be as visible as death, but their relationship has died. It’s convenient to be passive or forget to include those who don’t live “regular” lives. But it’s precisely because of their situation that we must extend our love and friendship to them.

As our deen teaches us, personal discomfort shouldn’t prevent us from enjoining good and forbidding evil. We all know someone who is undergoing a divorce or has been through one, and yet how many of us offer our time or compassion to them?

Our communities will benefit by investing in greater social care for our people. I would love to imagine a Muslim society where members rest easy in the knowledge that they have qualified counsellors to whom they can turn for mental and emotional healing. The road to recovery is a slow one, and having the help of a counsellor and divorce support groups would be invaluable.

It would be equally beneficial if community elders and members would embrace divorcees and divorces without judgment and criticism. I’m not saying that we’re ignoring the underlying reasons for divorce: there may be plenty of good nasiha from which the couple may benefit, but during the heat of battle or its immediate aftermath, so to speak, is not the best time to offer it.

Another aspect is the lack of self-advocacy and emotional growth. Our limited social interaction with the opposite gender and lack of interpersonal skills during our formative years means that many young Muslims enter marriage with almost no idea of what a serious long-term relationship means — almost like trying to maneuver a car on the highway with no prior driving experience. It is telling indeed that we see Muslims successfully navigate their professional relationships and then fail to do the same in their personal lives.

A divorce, as painful as it may be, might be that wake-up call for some to become mature adults. Perhaps we have mental health issues stemming from a tumultuous childhood or carry emotional baggage from the past. Now would be a good time to unpack it all and come to some internal resolution through counselling. Our spouse isn’t equipped to be our counsellor or nanny; in fact, we set our relationship up for failure from the start when we come into an adult relationship with the expectations of acquiring a servant/shrink.

Another angle might be to evaluate our life goals and see what compromises might be necessary and how we can benefit from approaching the matter for the greater good instead of individualism.

Our societies would benefit by looking at the prophetic character and reminding ourselves of the Prophet’s (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) behavior toward the Quraysh and the Hypocrites, the Bedouins who knew very little of social etiquette and his Companions. He never let his personal reservations get in the way of social justice and truth, and was never one to ostracize his opponents — much less his community’s members.

Our actions have strayed so far from his example that I wonder how we would feel if he were to observe our gatekeeping and outward shows of piety instead of genuine compassion and mercy. ih

ISLAM IN AMERICA A Tale of a Twice-Displaced People

Guyanese Muslim Americans make their mark in the U.S.

BY MISBAHUDDIN MIRZA

An Eid prayer in the park organized by Masjid As-Siddiq

It is graduation time!

came from India during the 19th century. His website https://nur-ul-islam.com/publications/ is a treasure trove of information and e-books on the history and affairs of the country’s Muslims. What makes this community’s story so fascinating is its members’ unique ride on life’s rollercoaster. Theirs is a tale of promises made, lives uprooted and fateful decisions that forever cut most of them off from their roots and assigned them a new identity and lifestyle — twice in about 150 years. Islamic Horizons spoke to both men to get an insider’s look at the trials, tribulations, successes and challenges that are so exclusive to their community. The British Slavery Abolition Act of 1833 set into motion a complex chain of events that would impact thousands of the Subcontinent’s inhabitants. The Guardian’s April 16, 2019, story documents that the Scots, who later posed as champions of the anti-slavery movement, were actually one of the largest slave traders. The British had to compensate 46,000 slave-owners for the loss of their “property.” Since the plantations in Guyana — a country on South America’s North Atlantic coast that is culturally part of the Anglophone Caribbean — were primarily in the business of producing sugar, the British had to compensate Scotland’s slave-owners £100 [about $9800 today] for each sugar boiler operator, as opposed to a relatively lower compensation of £18 for unskilled field workers. These enormous The snowplow gently lowered its blade on the busy four-lane Rockaway Boulevard in South Ozone Park, Queens, N.Y., and then, with supreme confidence, started hurtling past the three campuses of the Guyanese Muslim American community’s Al-Ihsan Academy Islamic compensations allowed the Scots to purchase huge swathes of land in the Scottish Highlands, which their progeny still own. The abolition of slavery also resulted in a sudden schools. dearth of farm workers, a void that was soon filled by

Inside the main campus office Principal Dr. Shaykh Rafeek Mohamed, a Guyana unscrupulous middlemen who started the indentured native, is reviewing plans for a 7,500 square feet addition to the main campus servant system. Hamid’s paternal and maternal grandbuilding. One of the founders, as well as a graduate of Makka’s Umm al-Qura parents were among the gullible Indians lured away University (Arabic Language and Shariah), he is also the president of the Caribbean American Muslim Association and a member of N.Y. WHAT MAKES THIS COMMUNITY’S STORY SO City Department of Education Commissioner’s FASCINATING IS ITS MEMBERS’ UNIQUE RIDE ON LIFE’S Advisory Council. In yet another part of Queens, 76-year-old ROLLERCOASTER. THEIRS IS A TALE OF PROMISES Guyanese Imam Ahmad Hamid, ex-principal MADE, LIVES UPROOTED AND FATEFUL DECISIONS of Brooklyn’s Al Noor Islamic School and an THAT FOREVER CUT MOST OF THEM OFF FROM THEIR avid writer on Guyanese matters who spent the first 50 years of his life there, is preparing his ROOTS AND ASSIGNED THEM A NEW IDENTITY AND Friday khutba. Hamid was born in one of the LIFESTYLE — TWICE IN ABOUT 150 YEARS. indentured servant’s house on the Guyanese plantation built by his grandparents, who

from British-ruled India to cultivate and and arrangements made to invite these harvest the region’s sugarcane fields. scholars, as well as some of the differences

Muslim African slaves like the and objections posed to inviting certain Fulani had been brought to Guyana people. Eventually, the two groups united much earlier and forcibly converted to to form a single organization. Christianity. The indentured servants In 1979, local Muslims experienced a from the Subcontinent, eventually quantum change in their religious knowltotaling 238,979 people, were allowed edge and practice when Libya opened its to retain their religions and build their embassy in the country. From 1979 to own houses of worship. Most of the 1982, chargé d’affairs Ahmed Ibraheem indentured servants were brought from modern India’s northern states: Uttar Al-Ihsan Academy Islamic School classroom Ehwas gave lessons in Islamic studies. The subsequent rise in the level and standard of Pradesh, Bihar and Bengal. Some from Islamic education, consciousness and culTamil Nadu also joined the mix. tural changes encouraged some families

The majority was Hindu, with a sub- to send their children to religious schools stantial percentage of Muslims. Those located in India, Pakistan, and various who could read the Quran and knew Arab countries. These youngsters, trained the basics of Islam became imams and, in other madha-hibs (schools of thought), in addition to leading prayers, officiated at returned home and soon started challengmarriage ceremonies, conducted funeral ing the older imams, which, unfortunately, prayers and settled disputes. If the dispute permanently eroded the latter’s authority involved non-Muslims, it would be placed to settle matters inside the mosque. before the panchayat (village council), an Today, Guyana has 125 mosques. Indian system of five wise men from the While some Guyanese Muslims migrated village selected to act as judges. The indentured servants’ contract A school day in the park to the U.S. during the 1950s and 1960s and established mosques and Islamic allowed them to return home permanently after work- organizations, the 1970s saw a real surge of Guyanese newcomers who started ing for five years under the unforgiving equatorial arriving in New York and stayed to work without legal authorization. They evensun — if they could afford to pay for their passage. tually obtained sponsorship from their employers and became legal residents. Many of them saved a few pennies every week to According to Mohamed, the Guyanese American Muslims have spearheaded do so; a total of 65,538 people actually did return to the establishment of 15 mosques in New York City: ten in Queens, two in Brooklyn, India. However, a few of them found conditions in and three in the Bronx. Remarkably, no riba (interest) was involved — however, to India to be worse than those in Guyana, where there put matters in the right perspective, Rafeek said that a few of the mosques may have was no scarcity of food, and thus decided to return had some initial riba involvement before he joined the organization. voluntarily. The Al-Ihsan Academy started in 1989 with 95% Guyanese students; today,

The indentured servants’ contract allowed them to 50% of its students are non-Guyanese. The school, which provides a modern own land after completing their contract. The planta- standardized education, also teaches the Quran, Arabic and Islamic studies. Some tions were located on one side of the railway tracks, of its graduates now work as medical and other professionals. and the indentured servants’ villages were located on In New York Times’ Joseph Berger’s article about those who live in New York the other side. The plantation owners allowed them City, “Indian: Twice Removed,” concludes “These Indo-Caribbeans have not felt to build homes and put up a fence to enclose the particularly embraced by the more flourishing Indian communities of Flushing and surrounding land. Some who were thinking about Elmhurst in Queens, nor have they made many overtures to the Indians. Instead, the future also enclosed land for farming. they have cobbled together their own fragrant neighborhood of roti, saris and gold

Eventually, a law was passed granting them the jewelry shops among the row houses of Richmond Hill, Queens” (Dec. 17, 2004). title of the house and fenced-in land. These rules were When asked if Guyanese Muslims also experienced similar treatment, Hamid further relaxed to allow them to cultivate rice for their remarked that “The Muslims from the Caribbean are the descendants of South own profit and set up shops. Education was made Asian indentured laborers from India [the Subcontinent], hence the [resemblance compulsory for all children who were 6-14 years old. in physical appearance]. [But] When it is known that we are from Guyana or A few managed to send their children to England for Trinidad, the attitude towards us changes, as if we are of a lower class or caste.” further studies; some of them came back as physicians Hamid also mentioned that one of his friends served the South Asian comand other professionals. munity in a prominent role for several years, but was never invited to any of their

Becoming more organized, the Muslims began homes or private social gatherings. inviting Muslim scholars to tour Guyana and lec- Unfazed and undaunted by these negative attitudes and ignorance of fellow ture on Islamic teachings to the growing community. Muslims, the vibrant Guyanese Muslim American community continues its Hamid’s website contains his “Guyana: The Story of upward march with its feet firmly on the ground and its gaze on the skies. ih Four Moulanas (1937-1968)” (https://www.caribbeanmuslims.com/the-story-of-four-moulanas), Misbahuddin Mirza, M.S., P.E., a licensed professional engineer, is registered in the States of New York and New Jersey. A former regional quality control engineer for the New York State Department of Transportation’s New York City Region, he is the which gives a fascinating account of the excitement author of the iBook “Illustrated Muslim Travel Guide to Jerusalem.” He has also written for major U.S. and Indian publications.